Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 Please, please please. People are different. Sure marriage is hard work, but how hard? You can't just box everyone up in the same container - some people work and work and WORK and it still doesn't work out. I don't condone cheating, but neither do I condone unhapiness. Life IS too short. Sometimes breaking up/separation/divorce IS the work that needs to be done, not counselling. Then according to your post every cheater should NOT cheat. They should instead leave the relationship. They should file for D. Then after the D they can then attempt to find a shag partner. That will never happen because they are cowardly and liars while they are in this fog. If they were not in the fog they would not cheat or leave. They would work - and work towards a succesful resolution. El Ben- You ask How hard? is M. It is the hardest thing you will ever do if you want to be successful. And even then, like happened to me, it can come crashing down because your spouse has a weak moment and then in their mind they rewite the entire M as a failure full of unhappiness and lacking love. I guarantee that is the case in 95% or more of the cheaters. Yes, it is true many Ms are bad and the partners should not be together. But when you vow a lifetime of commitment thru better or worse, I don't think a moment of unhappiness justifies rewriting the M and then having an A. NEVER!!! Are you a WAW or WAH? or a BS? or neither?
HarmonyHope Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 FL98, I can see that you're still in a lot of pain from your posts. It sounds like your W gaslighted the hell out of you. Sorry to hear it. Hope you feel better soon. I am curious though why so much of the conversation on this forum looks more like it belongs on the Infidelity forum. Is everyone here only seperating or divorcing because of infidelity? The infidelity forum seems to have mostly BS's who stayed with their WS's. You guys could probably add some perspective over there that would be beneficial to all.
nobmagnet Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 i have feel poo about what i said to ann, I didnt mean it as a personal thing. She is doing what my ex did to me and I disagree with her point of view. ireallyamsorry if i caused offence to anyone. x
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 i have feel poo about what i said to ann, I didnt mean it as a personal thing. She is doing what my ex did to me and I disagree with her point of view. ireallyamsorry if i caused offence to anyone. x I don't necessarily think she is offended ... I know on some other threads she was sort of attacked a bit and that was unfair. I think I may have even sort of attacked her point of view, me being a super BS and all. I jsut sort of stick up for her here and there. (She probably doesn't even know it!) It takes courage for her to continue to post while she is struggling to figure out her direction. Especially when her take on all of this is against probably 95% or more of the other posters.
oxfordsocks Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 My husband discovered my affair that I had after years of unappiness. Our marriage was failing and I hadn't felt love for my husband in years. since affair is discovered we have been open and honest with each other and the anger has subsided from my husband. My husband believes I very much love my affair partner and that he loves me. My husband also knows that I have been going through a tough time with other issues in my life and he is willing to stay and support me through them until I am more "stable" to move. We now have been great together--he says once I work out what I am doing with affair partner he is still willing to go to counselling and possibly workon the marriage. No guarantees from him but he understands i have to workk through my feelings for the Affair partner before anything. He is a sounding board for me and its seems reeally bizarre but he loves me maybe not as a spouse anymore but wants me to be happy even if it is not with him. LIfe is short It has been good to get his opinnion on things as my affair partner lives out of country. It is strange--but true and never would have thought i could be so upfront with him--but the tension is gone and its good for the kids--time will tell I guess.
curiou Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Then according to your post every cheater should NOT cheat. They should instead leave the relationship. They should file for D. Then after the D they can then attempt to find a shag partner. That will never happen because they are cowardly and liars while they are in this fog. If they were not in the fog they would not cheat or leave. They would work - and work towards a succesful resolution. El Ben- You ask How hard? is M. It is the hardest thing you will ever do if you want to be successful. And even then, like happened to me, it can come crashing down because your spouse has a weak moment and then in their mind they rewite the entire M as a failure full of unhappiness and lacking love. I guarantee that is the case in 95% or more of the cheaters. Yes, it is true many Ms are bad and the partners should not be together. But when you vow a lifetime of commitment thru better or worse, I don't think a moment of unhappiness justifies rewriting the M and then having an A. NEVER!!! Are you a WAW or WAH? or a BS? or neither? FL98, First off, let me say that I think what happened to you absolutely sucks. I feel for you. I too was a BS once. I have to tell you that I think you're jumping on El Ben a little unfairly. I understand you're rife with emotion over your personal circumstances (understandably so), but is what El Ben saying unreasonable? I perused his post myself, and I didn't really get the sense that he (or she) said spouses SHOULD cheat. I want things to work out for you for your ultimate emotional longevity and happiness. I think posting here, while infinitely therapeutic, must be done with some understanding that you're largely preaching to the choir. Most of people on this particular sub-forum are spouses whose partners absconded. Most people here are in a very tough spot in their lives, similar to yours. It's nice to post such generalizations as "you must talk through your problems, and not leave a marriage" and "give up your affair, it's the only way" because you're going to get a lot of "hear, hear" and "amen, brother!" type of responses. It's affirmative, to be sure, and it's nice to be validated, but I think we all can sometimes lose the forest for the trees when we're stuck in the middle of marital abandonment. Are you so convinced that affairs happen because of magical fog? Because I'm not. I think human interaction is so complex, it's hard to simply ascribe a notion tantamount to temporary insanity to every affair. I do agree that the excitement of an affair, its secrecy, its "newness," contribute to the start. BUT YOUR WIFE HAS LEFT AND IS NOW LIVING WITH THE DUDE. Is she still in a fog when the affair is out in the open and she's been at it for a while? If it were so easy. This may be how she is. It might just not be a "moment of weakness," as you are hoping. I also disagree that marriage has to be the hardest thing in your life. Do you really believe that? I certainly don't want my marriage to be the hardest thing in my life. I work at it, and it kinda rolls along nicely, and I mix it up. I do my best to live my life with honor and love, and I'm not always perfect, and I mess up a lot, but I'm happy where I am. And it's not in situation where it is the hardest thing in my life. I'd argue you should leave the marriage if that is the case. My ex-wife did. I hope she's happier for it. I know I am. I think you're doing all the right things. The no-contact, the venting on these forums. It's great. I hope for the best for you. But it'd be wise to take a step back and really think about who is giving you advice, and audit their history. Heck, don't trust ME! I would lean on the side of trusting those with really high post counts. That would be a start. Much love to you, my man.
El Ben Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Then according to your post every cheater should NOT cheat. They should instead leave the relationship. They should file for D. Then after the D they can then attempt to find a shag partner. That will never happen because they are cowardly and liars while they are in this fog. If they were not in the fog they would not cheat or leave. They would work - and work towards a succesful resolution. El Ben- You ask How hard? is M. It is the hardest thing you will ever do if you want to be successful. And even then, like happened to me, it can come crashing down because your spouse has a weak moment and then in their mind they rewite the entire M as a failure full of unhappiness and lacking love. I guarantee that is the case in 95% or more of the cheaters. Yes, it is true many Ms are bad and the partners should not be together. But when you vow a lifetime of commitment thru better or worse, I don't think a moment of unhappiness justifies rewriting the M and then having an A. NEVER!!! Are you a WAW or WAH? or a BS? or neither? Hey Fella, take it easy. I'm simply stating an opinion. I understand how you feel. In an ideal situation, love would last forever, people would remain the same, and promises would never be broken. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite work like that. I realised we was in trouble when I found myself subconsciously wishing there would be fatal complications when my SO was in hospital for the birth of my younger son. For a while I beat myself up psychologically for thinking such ugly thoughts. I had made a vow, a promise, and I would keep it no matter what happened. At what cost I ask you? At what cost? Would you prefer it if your SO was so unhappy that he/she committed suicide as long as the vow was kept? Sure, that's a bit extreme, but you don't know what's on the other person's mind, you don't. You don't know what anguish the other person went through while making their decisions.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 My husband discovered my affair that I had after years of unappiness. Our marriage was failing and I hadn't felt love for my husband in years. since affair is discovered we have been open and honest with each other and the anger has subsided from my husband. My husband believes I very much love my affair partner and that he loves me. My husband also knows that I have been going through a tough time with other issues in my life and he is willing to stay and support me through them until I am more "stable" to move. We now have been great together--he says once I work out what I am doing with affair partner he is still willing to go to counselling and possibly workon the marriage. No guarantees from him but he understands i have to workk through my feelings for the Affair partner before anything. He is a sounding board for me and its seems reeally bizarre but he loves me maybe not as a spouse anymore but wants me to be happy even if it is not with him. LIfe is short It has been good to get his opinnion on things as my affair partner lives out of country. It is strange--but true and never would have thought i could be so upfront with him--but the tension is gone and its good for the kids--time will tell I guess. Wow, Oxford, I have yet to hear of a BS so casual about it all like yours is. I guess I loved my W too much and I am so hurt by this too much that I can not show my "love" like your H shows his. "Life is Short" Yes, that's why I think it is a shame that my STBXW is making this terrible mistake in her life. She will lose me and the M and life is too short to make such BIG mistakes. Good Luck to you!
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 El Ben - Sorry if I came off harsh towards you. Yes, it's true that some marriages are meant to dissolve, that cheaters had nothing left for the M and that;s why they cheat / run. I guess it is just that in my case we were at the other extreme. I COULD BE WRONG - but I truly look at this objectively and see that WE did not have to get to this. We had it good, better than most for 16 years. ALL the signs of a strong happy loving marriage were always there. We are not the usual D in my opinion. I could explain more, I think you see what I mean. Are you so convinced that affairs happen because of magical fog? Because I'm not. I think human interaction is so complex, it's hard to simply ascribe a notion tantamount to temporary insanity to every affair. I do agree that the excitement of an affair, its secrecy, its "newness," contribute to the start. BUT YOUR WIFE HAS LEFT AND IS NOW LIVING WITH THE DUDE. Is she still in a fog when the affair is out in the open and she's been at it for a while? In my case, yes, I believe my wife has transformed practically overnight, call it a fog, call it a mid-life crisis, whatever. I don't believe I ever said there was a "magical" power at play here. It is a psychology scientific fact that people have mid-life crisies and transform almost overnight. All that was good enough and happy enough and that they were in love with are all of a sudden not good enough and it appears to them that they were never good enough. I think most good marriages could succomb to the grass must be greener somewhere else temptation if the stars were all aligned (MLC, stress, weakness, depression, ... whatever) I don't want to get in to all the reasons I believe this to absolutely be true in my situation. (I could start with the fact that she is almost 50 and the AP is 18!!!) (Enough said probably) The W may remain there in this "fog" forever, she may come out of it soon, no one knows. Either way, it is her problem, she will probably lose a good H and M because of it, and she will lose in the end. I am moving forward, the D should be final by yrs end or close to it and I will be ok. The whole thing is just unfathomable and has no explanation. (probably never will, I know!)
trippi1432 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Hey Fella, take it easy. I'm simply stating an opinion. I understand how you feel. In an ideal situation, love would last forever, people would remain the same, and promises would never be broken. Unfortunately, it doesn't quite work like that. I realised we was in trouble when I found myself subconsciously wishing there would be fatal complications when my SO was in hospital for the birth of my younger son. For a while I beat myself up psychologically for thinking such ugly thoughts. I had made a vow, a promise, and I would keep it no matter what happened. At what cost I ask you? At what cost? Would you prefer it if your SO was so unhappy that he/she committed suicide as long as the vow was kept? Sure, that's a bit extreme, but you don't know what's on the other person's mind, you don't. You don't know what anguish the other person went through while making their decisions. Hi El Ben, Your post is interesting as I can relate to your story via things that my STBXH stated when he walked away and my own thoughts at the time...knowing that something was off (but not knowing about the affair yet). Prior to a surgery that I had this year, there were times that I actually wished something would go wrong and I wouldn't have to wake back up to the misery, pain and hurt of my marriage....wouldn't have to face what, intuitively, I knew was inevitable. When he left, he told me that he didn't feel anything when I was in surgery. When the family was called in the waiting room for a patient status, he said that he wasn't relieved or happy about it....he stated that he was wrestling internally with his feelings about us and determined (after 15 years) that this wasn't the life he wanted anymore...he felt he had no soul. When apathy like that develops in a marriage, I would say that it does look like it is over to one spouse or both. However, on the other side of things, when one partner develops that apathy for their spouse, is that truly time to validate walking away from the committment...or to validate having an affair? At some point there had to be happiness and love, else there wouldn't have been a marriage. I agree that life is too short to be unhappy, but happiness is what you make it. Like FL98, I believe that marriage and love go through stages, which can make either make the bond stronger or break it if someone develops that apathy and can't fix themselves. Just wondering your thoughts on this as I see the "Life is too short to be unhappy" a lot, but mostly used as a validation or justification for the WA's.
tojaz Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 However, on the other side of things, when one partner develops that apathy for their spouse, is that truly time to validate walking away from the committment...or to validate having an affair? I think it may be that they develop the apathy TO validate walking away or an affair. To decide to explore other options outside the marriage and your a cheater or a WAW/H but if your a victim whos love has gone cold, then your a martyr, a survivor. TOJAZ
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 (edited) when one partner develops that apathy for their spouse, is that truly time to validate walking away from the committment...or to validate having an affair? At some point there had to be happiness and love, else there wouldn't have been a marriage. I agree that life is too short to be unhappy, but happiness is what you make it. Like FL98, I believe that marriage and love go through stages, which can make either make the bond stronger or break it if someone develops that apathy and can't fix themselves. Just wondering your thoughts on this as I see the "Life is too short to be unhappy" a lot, but mostly used as a validation or justification for the WA's. Thanks trippi for expressing what I was trying to. I don't always get the words out best. It's weird because I have to write reports for a living and I am damn good at it, but those are mostly objective facts and based on observations - while a lot of what is here on LS is emotion and from the heart. Anyway, I believe all marriages (even good or great ones) have these ups & downs. It is in these downturns when one partner may jump because they are vulnerable. Then the justifications come: never loved you, not happy in SO long, life is too short, ... As I look back on the 16 years my STBXW and I had together I see that IF I had ever chosen (it is a choice) to have an affair I could probably list 5 or 6 strong reasons that would "justify" my actions. Fortunately I would NEVER do this in any realtionship. I made vows and had strong commitment. Not to mention I was head over heels in love with her for all 16 years. I also respectively look forward to El Ben's response to trippi's post. Edited November 26, 2009 by FeelingLonely98
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 I think it may be that they develop the apathy TO validate walking away or an affair. To decide to explore other options outside the marriage and your a cheater or a WAW/H but if your a victim whos love has gone cold, then your a martyr, a survivor. TOJAZ TOJAZ - What do you mean by the bold part above? Maybe I'm just tired or depressed? TY.
hopesndreams Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Thank you so much for being a big part of my life for 10 years. Thanks for raising my son for me, because I could not be bothered and you knew I never liked kids. Thanks for helping me through school so I can get my fantastic, money making career while you cleaned hotel rooms. I have loved you for so long, but, and I know this is hard for you to hear, I love you but I am not in love with you. Now, onto the real reason I am dumping you. I have met someone skinnier, prettier and younger. You`ve seen her pic on my phone, what do you think, HOT isn`t she, yes indeed. She too makes good money at the company we work for and as an extra bonus, she is married with a 4 year old boy and she is leaving her husband for ME, coz I am so great. Yes, I am a bit thicker round the middle and am almost 20 years older, but she digs me and will destroy her family for ME. He, he, haw, haw, yeah, I know I`m giddy but I just can`t help myself! I have lied, covered my tracks, deceived you for a full year and you didn`t even catch on until now. I am so smart.
tojaz Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 TOJAZ - What do you mean by the bold part above? Maybe I'm just tired or depressed? TY. Well look at it this way. Man breaks into your house and steals your things. You hear this story and how much sympathy do you have for this man?? How much support would you give him?? What is he in your eyes?? Man whos been out of work for a year, doing his best working odd jobs and begging on street corners lives in a car with his young child. No food no money, out of desperation this man slips into a home of someone better off and removes a couple items, just enough to feed his child and keep him warm because he was out of options. Actions are the same, end result is the same, but do you see him the same way?? Doubt it. Is the story true? Was there a hungry child? You may never know, but the perception is different and this is the view he wants to put out to others. That rather then being a perpetrator, a thief, he was a reasonable man pushed into unreasonable circumstances bu exterior forces beyond his control. Isn't that how anyone doing something they know was wrong would want to be perceived? The WAW/H is no different, it is always easier to be a victim. TOJAZ
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 Thank you so much for being a big part of my life for 10 years. Thanks for raising my son for me, because I could not be bothered and you knew I never liked kids. Thanks for helping me through school so I can get my fantastic, money making career while you cleaned hotel rooms. I have loved you for so long, but, and I know this is hard for you to hear, I love you but I am not in love with you. Now, onto the real reason I am dumping you. I have met someone skinnier, prettier and younger. You`ve seen her pic on my phone, what do you think, HOT isn`t she, yes indeed. She too makes good money at the company we work for and as an extra bonus, she is married with a 4 year old boy and she is leaving her husband for ME, coz I am so great. Yes, I am a bit thicker round the middle and am almost 20 years older, but she digs me and will destroy her family for ME. He, he, haw, haw, yeah, I know I`m giddy but I just can`t help myself! I have lied, covered my tracks, deceived you for a full year and you didn`t even catch on until now. I am so smart. But NO, they lie to the end, don't they??? To me the lies f'ing hurt so much damn worse than the friggin A. I never in a million yrs thought she'd have an A. But I never thought in a 100 Trillion years that she would just lie like she did over and over to me. WOW. true colors.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 Well look at it this way. Man breaks into your house and steals your things. You hear this story and how much sympathy do you have for this man?? How much support would you give him?? What is he in your eyes?? Man whos been out of work for a year, doing his best working odd jobs and begging on street corners lives in a car with his young child. No food no money, out of desperation this man slips into a home of someone better off and removes a couple items, just enough to feed his child and keep him warm because he was out of options. Actions are the same, end result is the same, but do you see him the same way?? Doubt it. Is the story true? Was there a hungry child? You may never know, but the perception is different and this is the view he wants to put out to others. That rather then being a perpetrator, a thief, he was a reasonable man pushed into unreasonable circumstances bu exterior forces beyond his control. Isn't that how anyone doing something they know was wrong would want to be perceived? The WAW/H is no different, it is always easier to be a victim. TOJAZ Gotcha. TY. I shoulda picked up on that earlier. My own WAW is definitely the victim here - at least in her current mind. I'm the bad guy, she's justified = VOILA / she need not feel guilty for leaving a good M for an 18 yr old BF.
hopesndreams Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 I have no idea what my ex says about me to his friends, family. I have lost touch with all of them and none of them have sought me out. The things my husband had told me, to my face, about why he did what he did was because.... You are exasperating. You are an unselfish to the point of distraction human being. You have low self-esteem. He later admitted that my self-esteem was not low and the biggest thing that pushed him away from me was that he was bored. He has since apologized for not being a support to me and helping with the kids. He also admitted being jealous of my baby grandson. All my attention, he says, was focused on the baby and he felt as though he wasn`t needed anymore and that I would be better off without him. Yeah, the last sentence is another one of his lies, a cover-up, but it just shows him for the true narcissist that he is for he actually believed that lie to be the truth.
El Ben Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Hi El Ben, Your post is interesting as I can relate to your story via things that my STBXH stated when he walked away and my own thoughts at the time...knowing that something was off (but not knowing about the affair yet). Prior to a surgery that I had this year, there were times that I actually wished something would go wrong and I wouldn't have to wake back up to the misery, pain and hurt of my marriage....wouldn't have to face what, intuitively, I knew was inevitable. When he left, he told me that he didn't feel anything when I was in surgery. When the family was called in the waiting room for a patient status, he said that he wasn't relieved or happy about it....he stated that he was wrestling internally with his feelings about us and determined (after 15 years) that this wasn't the life he wanted anymore...he felt he had no soul. When apathy like that develops in a marriage, I would say that it does look like it is over to one spouse or both. However, on the other side of things, when one partner develops that apathy for their spouse, is that truly time to validate walking away from the committment...or to validate having an affair? At some point there had to be happiness and love, else there wouldn't have been a marriage. I agree that life is too short to be unhappy, but happiness is what you make it. Like FL98, I believe that marriage and love go through stages, which can make either make the bond stronger or break it if someone develops that apathy and can't fix themselves. Just wondering your thoughts on this as I see the "Life is too short to be unhappy" a lot, but mostly used as a validation or justification for the WA's. First - FL98: I totally understand and agree with almost everything you say, as it concerns you and what you're going through. I think your last post was very likely spot on as regards to your own situation. I think. I do not know. I think so because I tend to view and analyse the world according to my views and my manner of reasoning. Considering that I am a man in his 30s who tends to be attracted to older women, I find it a bit tricky to understand the scenario where a woman over 40 gets involved with a boy (man?) barely out of his teens. But sometimes I try and see things in a different way. The fact that I don't understand why people are doing what they are doing doesn't make them dumb. The fact that a person doesn't conform to the reasoning of the "herd" may make the person an outcast, but shouldn't necessarily make the person a criminal. Very often, our rewards in life are flashes, momentary pleasures (the new, highly paid role at work, the smell of the leather in our new car), yet we often slave away for hours, months, days for these moments. How then can I in all honesty accuse someone who has decided to seize her moment? Especially in this world in which women are still looked upon as second class citizens? Trippi: Excellent point. I recently asked myself this question: Is there any possibility that I will be happy in my marriage? What would it take for me to make myself happy within my marriage? We all have the ability to create some form of happiness. As you say - happiness is what you make it. I agree with this. With the proper mindset, anyone can find a form of happiness in any situation. But let's be clear - if it's a "enforced" happiness (which is what I believe mine has been over the last three odd years of my marriage), then it's artificial. It may last, it may not. Enforced happiness can be compared to building a dam across a river to create an artificial lake and to claim parts of the riverbed. If the dam holds, there are major benefits - fertile parts of the riverbed, improved fishing, etc. This dam will need constand repairs and maintenance however in order to remain in position. There will be storms that would threaten to break down the dam. And a time may come when the benefits of having the dam (fishing, water supply, etc) may no longer justify the cost of maintaining the dam. This is the best part, when all parties agree to evacuate the river bed and gradually decomission the dam. There's another option - the dam could burst during a storm. The dam could even burst for no reason at all. A burst dam is horrific. It's destructive. It's violent. My point? Sometimes one party has sensed something that the other party doesn't see. A structural flaw in the dam, a constant rising of water levels, etc. In my own situation, I remember long before getting married, about three months into the relationship, I realised I didn't want to be in it any longer, and I went to break it up. Tears. Pleading. Empathy. I've always been a sucker for crying women, so I stayed. I planned to ease things off over the next few months. Then she got pregnant and I got carried away in the euphoria of becoming a father. Three years later, no more euphoria, the feelings of empathy had disappeared. Suddenly I realised there was absolutely no tenderness, if anything I was borderline hostile. enforced happiness could work, but it could also leave you worse off than you were before. There are simply too many possibilities, too many stories. Excuses? They abound. People lie. People get greedy. People want to taste that 6-pack. People want to experience that perky bosom. But sometimes, people genuinely want out. Who's to judge?
trippi1432 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Trippi: Excellent point. I recently asked myself this question: Is there any possibility that I will be happy in my marriage? What would it take for me to make myself happy within my marriage? We all have the ability to create some form of happiness. As you say - happiness is what you make it. I agree with this. With the proper mindset, anyone can find a form of happiness in any situation. But let's be clear - if it's a "enforced" happiness (which is what I believe mine has been over the last three odd years of my marriage), then it's artificial. It may last, it may not. Enforced happiness can be compared to building a dam across a river to create an artificial lake and to claim parts of the riverbed. If the dam holds, there are major benefits - fertile parts of the riverbed, improved fishing, etc. This dam will need constand repairs and maintenance however in order to remain in position. There will be storms that would threaten to break down the dam. And a time may come when the benefits of having the dam (fishing, water supply, etc) may no longer justify the cost of maintaining the dam. This is the best part, when all parties agree to evacuate the river bed and gradually decomission the dam. There's another option - the dam could burst during a storm. The dam could even burst for no reason at all. A burst dam is horrific. It's destructive. It's violent. My point? Sometimes one party has sensed something that the other party doesn't see. A structural flaw in the dam, a constant rising of water levels, etc. In my own situation, I remember long before getting married, about three months into the relationship, I realised I didn't want to be in it any longer, and I went to break it up. Tears. Pleading. Empathy. I've always been a sucker for crying women, so I stayed. I planned to ease things off over the next few months. Then she got pregnant and I got carried away in the euphoria of becoming a father. Three years later, no more euphoria, the feelings of empathy had disappeared. Suddenly I realised there was absolutely no tenderness, if anything I was borderline hostile. enforced happiness could work, but it could also leave you worse off than you were before. There are simply too many possibilities, too many stories. Excuses? They abound. People lie. People get greedy. People want to taste that 6-pack. People want to experience that perky bosom. But sometimes, people genuinely want out. Who's to judge? El Ben, thank you for replying....yes, we all have our own stories and they can be intermingled with some similarities and/or vast differences. Honestly, I'm not judging here, only trying to come to an understanding.....I can understand how the euphoria can diminish in several aspects of one's life when it comes to marriage and children....these are the stages that I was referring to earlier. When one, or both, are not able to get to that next stage, then yes...the dam can burst. I get the feeling though that you went into the relationship with some resentments relating to her (not the children per say, but her getting pregnant), and this explains the apathy for her. While sense of "duty" used to be respected, there is truly no relationship when only one person is in love from the beginning, and it sounds like you weren't.....of course that would explain the infidelity, I still cannot buy any validation for it though. I'm going to stop there as the rest might appear to be judgmental. Sorry to steal your thread FL98.
El Ben Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 El Ben, thank you for replying....yes, we all have our own stories and they can be intermingled with some similarities and/or vast differences. Honestly, I'm not judging here, only trying to come to an understanding.....I can understand how the euphoria can diminish in several aspects of one's life when it comes to marriage and children....these are the stages that I was referring to earlier. When one, or both, are not able to get to that next stage, then yes...the dam can burst. I get the feeling though that you went into the relationship with some resentments relating to her (not the children per say, but her getting pregnant), and this explains the apathy for her. While sense of "duty" used to be respected, there is truly no relationship when only one person is in love from the beginning, and it sounds like you weren't.....of course that would explain the infidelity, I still cannot buy any validation for it though. I'm going to stop there as the rest might appear to be judgmental. Sorry to steal your thread FL98. Just to clarify - I'm not making excuses for infidelity, that can't be excused. I'm making a case for spouses who want to leave.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 27, 2009 Author Posted November 27, 2009 Sorry to steal your thread FL98. No problem with that trippi. Valuable insight always welcome and appreciated. and encouraged!
trippi1432 Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 No problem with that trippi. Valuable insight always welcome and appreciated. and encouraged! Not sure about all that....learning every day myself and grateful for the support of many LS friends thru the good and the bad times.
tojaz Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Not sure about all that....learning every day myself and grateful for the support of many LS friends thru the good and the bad times. Thats what this place is all about.
hopesndreams Posted November 27, 2009 Posted November 27, 2009 Just to clarify - I'm not making excuses for infidelity, that can't be excused. I'm making a case for spouses who want to leave. If it were only that simple. A spouse wants to leave, then there is the door. In most cases though, they take the cowards way out and set themselves up for another in order to go through that door. While they are busy setting themselves up, they are lying to their spouse, still having sex with them, exposing them to std's while carrying on that nothing is wrong, everything is righty-ho until the day they get found out. They very rarely confess. They want the best of both worlds. A place to be grounded and a place for fun and games at the expense of those that love them.
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