FeelingLonely98 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Can you imagine if a WAW or WAH was ever truthful and said ... "Spouse, I want a divorce. Yes, I still love you and I'm still "in love" with you and I'm also pretty happy after all these years. It's a good marriage. But I met someone. The affair partner makes me feel youthful and the sex is exciting. Sex with you was good but this is NEW, come on! I can't have the good marriage AND this - Hmm, so I thought about it for 30 seconds and made up my mind. I didn't use any common sense. I didn't think about or consider the family in my decision. This is all about ME. I am selfish. Yes, it will hurt you and the family but I will get what I want. Maybe when this runs it's course you will still be here and I can jump right back into the M where I left off. By the way, I thought about blaming you for what I'm about to do - but in actuality, this is all about me." That would never happen now would it? Anyone have experience with an honest WAS/WAH?
mark982 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 dought that will ever happen. then have to cut you down so there's a reason(in their mind) to justify their cheating.
floridapad Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Absolutely hilarious dude. Classic stuff. Except mine would have said I DID think about the family but I decided my married soul mate(OM) was more important to me because I "feel" so good with him. Yeah, let's see how you feel down the road when you leave Disneyworld, Cinderella.
nobmagnet Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 un beleivably accurate!!!!! made me laugh so much I nearly copy and pasted it to my ex who is busy porking his new bit on holiday! must stay strong must stay stong.................... thanks for makingme laugh x
bhgirl Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I love it yes we always say why not be honest this was great just what I needed this morning!
GoodDad Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Your post made me smile. Mine basically told alot of that, then backpedalled quickly from it. Maybe it was opposite day that day and now when she wants to move out and be "alone" it had nothing to do with the coworker she was flirting with. I may print out your post to reread when I start to get down about my situation. Thanks for the laugh. I needed one today.
nobmagnet Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) hope you all dont mind but this would my ex to me great fun writting it try it!! Dear Neet Honesty time. I haven’t been faithful to you at all through out the past 10years and it’s been great! I had you at home bringing up the kids alone and burning yourself out with renovating my home whilst I was having a cracking time away with work. The women I work with are so easy like me I was never short of a f*uck. Even better was when I came home after a trip away tired (from shagging) you gave me space and symathy. I didn’t have to do anything except play computer games and talk to my lover on-line. Perfect. You kept the kids occupied and out of my way because you know they irritate me and interfere with my life. I was thrilled at my parents response to my being kicked out for porking the payroll, I cried a bit and told them what an utter lazy bitch you are and they bought it!! Hey I am thrilled you are putting the finishing touches to the house to maximise its value the extra £50,000 it will put on its value will buy lots of holidays for me and my new g/f and a smashing sports car for me to pose in even though I am fat and not great looking. It will attract lots of shallow women after my vast salary! I truly don’t care you and the kids will have to move out of the lovely home you created to a small inadequate one because that’s all you deserve. I paid for everything, so what that put £200,000 on the value of it by your talent and hard work??? Its mine so f*ck off. I am glad you won’t have enough money for essentials for the kids because when I see them (obviously not very often) they will love me for buying what ever they want (because I earn sooooo much money) and they will blame you when they can’t have everything they want . I feel so smug that I have everything I want and you don’t but what I do not like is your strength. I invested much of my time with you trying to destroy your self esteem and look at you……you haven’t said anything nasty, you smile and have made plans. That annoys me deeply as I thought I had broken you. Why when I tried it on with you did you not accept my advances? I needed you to feel bad again and didn’t get the chance. Damn. Is it because I am so bad in bed??? Oh look at the time!!!! Its cocktail time and my new g/f is waiting by the pool must go. God I hope she hasn’t sussed yet that my premature ejaculation is a permanat thing!! Edited November 23, 2009 by nobmagnet word puts lots of font things in aghhhhhhhhhhh
Thornton Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 "Spouse, I want a divorce. Yes, I still love you and I'm still "in love" with you and I'm also pretty happy after all these years. In a lot of cases, the spouse loves the other person but isn't "in love" with them any more, hence why they're ripe for an affair with someone who does make them feel that "in love" feeling.
woddah Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 As an almost wah this is pretty accurate. Once I got past the 30 sec of thinking (or lack thereof) mark I realized what I was doing and put an end to it. My wife did almost everything that everyone advises people to do with a wah/waw. I found this board after it all went down and reading the stories here helps me realize what she went through and reminds me how stupid and selfish the entire situation was.
curiou Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 And sometimes the marriage is really not salvageable in the wayward spouse's eyes. I know you can fall out of love with someone. I fell out of love with my ex-wife It's confusing, isn't it. They have sex with you, cuddle with you, watch movies with you, and they're gone the next moment. Routine is a powerful thing, and very powerfully dangerous thing in a marriage. And even though a person can maintain a routine, he or she can detach emotionally over a long period of time to the point he or she does not love the spouse anymore. I came to grips with this during my divorce.. The only thing I regret is not succeeding in the marriage, because I don't like to fail. I objectively enjoyed all the things we had together. Life turned around on her when I rejected her when she started to backpedal. I hope she has found happiness in her life. It was probably best for both of us.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 hope you all dont mind but this would my ex to me great fun writting it try it!! Dear Neet Honesty time. I haven’t been faithful to you at all through out the past 10years and it’s been great! I had you at home bringing up the kids alone and burning yourself out with renovating my home whilst I was having a cracking time away with work. ... ... Oh look at the time!!!! Its cocktail time and my new g/f is waiting by the pool must go. God I hope she hasn’t sussed yet that my premature ejaculation is a permanat thing!! CUTE - There are probably a hundred more pages of similar, eh?
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Routine is a powerful thing, and very powerfully dangerous thing in a marriage. And even though a person can maintain a routine, he or she can detach emotionally over a long period of time to the point he or she does not love the spouse anymore. So, what can be done to prevent this? In my case there were NO signs ... I had no clue. We had routine sex, held hands a lot, kissed, cuddled, did everything together, confided in each other, ... ETC ETC ETC. So if there are no signs or signals, is it just inevitable????? Do we just wait for the blindside? Are we supposed to assume that one day "Routine" will kick in and make the 47 yr old spouse run off with an 18 yr old BF? Therefore, constantly try to "change it up" / even though it feels like the best M in the world? :o:o:o:o PEACE!
trippi1432 Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 So, what can be done to prevent this? In my case there were NO signs ... I had no clue. We had routine sex, held hands a lot, kissed, cuddled, did everything together, confided in each other, ... ETC ETC ETC. So if there are no signs or signals, is it just inevitable????? Do we just wait for the blindside? Are we supposed to assume that one day "Routine" will kick in and make the 47 yr old spouse run off with an 18 yr old BF? Therefore, constantly try to "change it up" / even though it feels like the best M in the world? :o:o:o:o PEACE! There are definitely signs, but the closer you are to the situation, you may tend to overlook them. My mother still says to this day that she knew my STBX was having an affair just a couple of weeks before he gave me the IILWYBNILWY speech...she could tell just by one incident that she heard over the phone. She wanted me to ask him a simple question and he nearly took my head off screaming at me. Amazing what you get used to and tend to overlook. Looking back, he did the same thing back in June over a simple request. I think that was the first time that he had acted out in this more violent manner over simply just the "normal" yelling and arguing. That was when he told me he would most likely leave me after I recovered from an operation I was scheduled to have. Interestingly enough, he met the OW he is with in May at a cookout we all went to. He left for 3 weeks in July, came back home, and then left again at the end of August. Interestingly enough, she was married too and threw her husband out in September. I think that internally I knew, just didn't interpret the signs in time to get off the tracks before the train hit.
curiou Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 So, what can be done to prevent this? In my case there were NO signs ... I had no clue. We had routine sex, held hands a lot, kissed, cuddled, did everything together, confided in each other, ... ETC ETC ETC. So if there are no signs or signals, is it just inevitable????? Do we just wait for the blindside? Are we supposed to assume that one day "Routine" will kick in and make the 47 yr old spouse run off with an 18 yr old BF? Therefore, constantly try to "change it up" / even though it feels like the best M in the world? :o:o:o:o PEACE! FeelingLonely98, Well, we can dissect this in a couple of ways. Of course, human interaction and life are so complex and can't be categorized, but it makes for easier analysis. You had the perfect marriage with great communication, physical intimacy, respect for her wants/needs. And she had an affair. This would means that SHE, inspite of having a wonderful husband, opted to run off to a precarious, probable untenable relationship thinking this might be better. It would then be a defect in her character, and clearly not your fault. Or . . . you thought you had a perfect marriage, but she felt it was unsatisfactory. In reality, perhaps the sex was a little perfunctory. The conversation was insipid. She was grew emotionally listless and increasingly bored as the years wore on, and the excitement and attention from a younger man lit a fire within her she hadn't felt in a while. She left for this excitement. It was the MARRIAGE that was at fault. This is a tough situation, because often times one partner can be happy with the routine for many years while the other withers under the banality. Affairs are a combination of both. They really shake you to your core, and when I went through the discovery of my ex-wife's affair years ago, it *broke* me emotionally and psychologically, because I NEVER thought that sort of thing would happen to ME. It took so much time and healing for me to be able to recognize faults within myself, which I can happily say I still work on to this day and I think I'm a better marriage partner because of it. I don't condone affairs; I do understand them much better. I think one thing people don't talk about enough is "affair-proofing" the marriage, because temptation is everywhere. My wife could pop in at work any time, and has called me from home to get my email passwords to log in to my accounts to fetch some info from messages that she needed; I give her access to my life without pause because I don't want the burden of "hiding" stuff from her. I often have to send texts from her phone because mine is not available, to mutual friends. Or I log in to her bank accounts to download transactions for our bookkeeping. I've never had any hesitation of reluctance from her. Life takes a lifetime to perfect. All I can say is try your best to live with honor and love, and even if you get screwed over, you'll know you did everything you could without regrets.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 I think that internally I knew, just didn't interpret the signs in time to get off the tracks before the train hit. Well, I had NO clue - was totally blindsided. Her supposed sign that I should hav eknown was that she didn't kiss me as much now as she did in the beginning - 16 YRS AGO!!! WOW - I should have known that meant a D was imminent, not that we were just 16 yrs into a mature happy loving relationship.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Life takes a lifetime to perfect. All I can say is try your best to live with honor and love, and even if you get screwed over, you'll know you did everything you could without regrets. Ty Curiou - PEACE!
seibert253 Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Well, I had NO clue - was totally blindsided. Her supposed sign that I should hav eknown was that she didn't kiss me as much now as she did in the beginning - 16 YRS AGO!!! WOW - I should have known that meant a D was imminent, not that we were just 16 yrs into a mature happy loving relationship. Come on Feeling, you know we're also supposed to read minds.
plowman Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 curiou are you two still married or did you remarry?
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 Come on Feeling, you know we're also supposed to read minds. This was her other "example": I travel out of town for work about 20 weeks a year, I leave on Mon. morning and come back Friday mid to late afternoon typically. A couple times in the last year and a half or so I decided to "surprise" her and take the LATE Thurs flight home and arrive at the house around Midnight to 1:00 am or so. She wasn't thrilled when I got there - half asleep she turned off the alarm, let me in, gave me a kiss, & went back to sleep. Well, she said in her example something like "Didn't you see that I didn't jump into your arms because I was so happy you came home early"!! She says that was a clear example!! WTF??? I told her no, I just thought you were just pissed because I woke you up in the middle of the night out of a deep sleep. PLUS, after 15-16 yrs of a relationship I never expected her to jump into my arms or similar. I would have been weirded out if she did. Anyway, she said that was a clear sign. I'm so stupid, ... I couldn't connect the invisible dots!!! :o:o:o:o
Steadfast Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Wouldn't it be nice is words were an expression of truth. Instead, they carry lies and false hope that simply leads to more pain. Actions speak louder. My ex is very reserved...or more accurately, hesitate to say anything that will incriminate her later. She's very aware of that. Once, when time seemed to stand still and we were the only two people on earth I stated; 'You don't love me.' And she said... 'No.' I got up, walked to my car and leaving I heard her say, crying as I drove away. 'I didn't mean it like that!! I do love you! I do!' Time and space had returned to normal and thus, the dishonesty.
ann09 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 In a lot of cases, the spouse loves the other person but isn't "in love" with them any more, hence why they're ripe for an affair with someone who does make them feel that "in love" feeling. I have to agree with this. It IS possible to care about someone but NOT be in love with them. I highly doubt anyone would cheat on someone they are in love with. No one can break up a HAPPY marriage.
nobmagnet Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 people cheat because they are lazy and not willing to make an effort. Also it shows great weakness of morals and total disregard for anothers feelings. If you are unhappy and not able to make things better having an affaire is NEVER the answer. Its hurtful to say the very least. To say I disagree with you ann is an understatement.
nobmagnet Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 actually in hindsight you have just written a perfect note on this thread!!!! stuip things WAW/WAH say!!!!!!!!!!! you are funny
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) Ann is a WAW - So hence her post. However, be nice to her. She is welcome on LS, she is (was? I haven't read her thread in a while...) trying to figure out what to do ... though I thought her original posts had her foot 99% out of the door already. I for one appreciate her threads and posts, however skewed they may be to justify her actions. Keep posting ANN! Anyway, I agree with NOB and PLOW. It takes two to try to make a M work. The best marriages have unhappy times and times when the love may not be there like usual. But you have commitment. You have faith. You have trust. You get through it. You come out better than before. It is possible. But it takes TWO. In my case only 1 wanted to try to fix the M. And before D-day, only one was willing to communicate. Now the 47 yr old STBXW is in a fog with an 18 yr old BF, maybe to never come out of this fog. Commiting adultery and walking away was the easy lazy thing for her to do. She forget her vows, her commitment to me and the marriage. If a true effort was made to repair any feelings she had and then it still didn't work, then I would wish her well and probably remain friends. Like NOB said, committing is NEVER acceptable or okay, just because now you realize you haven't loved the BS for years. A few months ago you loved the BS, but now, Hmmm, I guess I never loved the BS!!! I'm leaving, I'm finding an AP!!! Edited November 25, 2009 by FeelingLonely98
El Ben Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 Please, please please. People are different. Sure marriage is hard work, but how hard? You can't just box everyone up in the same container - some people work and work and WORK and it still doesn't work out. I don't condone cheating, but neither do I condone unhapiness. Life IS too short. Sometimes breaking up/separation/divorce IS the work that needs to be done, not counselling.
Recommended Posts