Overcoming suicidal depression-achieving stability out of the shadows

[robaday]

Hey,

 

Wanted to write this post now that my head is genuinely clear, and share what I’ve learnt after 1.5 years of suicidal depression, and 6 months (the last six) of inner peace and stability. Everyone’s different, but perhaps it may help someone out there.

 

First of all the diagnosis 6 months ago (copied from gp mental health plan):

 

• Major depressive episode
  
• Adjustment disorder
  
• OCD
  
• Anxiety
  
• ATS use disorder
  
• Alcohol abuse
  
• Suicidal ideation
  

Triggers:

• Death of sister and 2 friends in space of 3 months at end of 2007
  
• End of first relationship
  
• Isolation (I moved abroad when in the midst of worst period of my life)
  

Situation I was in at the time:

• My employer gave me a month off work to sort my **** out or I was getting fired.
  
• Couldn’t focus on anything apart from wanting to die
  
• Owed $6000 in combination of credit cards&to drug dealers
  
• No exercise for 1 year (I’m 27)
  
• Loss of two teeth due to drug abuse
  
• I was picking cigarettes off floor
  
• Experimenting with crystal meth
  
• Going to bed by 7pm on weeknights
  
• Eating 5 fast food meals a day
  
• Lashing out at people, abusive emails, intimation of violence on several occasions
  
• Charged with possession of cocaine
  
• Blamed myself for sister’s death, for end of relationship, for being weak,
  
• Did not ever imagine sleeping with anyone again-complete loss of sex drive, confidence
  

I had hit rock bottom in every respect

 

What changed?

 

• I was broke so cut down on alcohol&drugs
  
• Moved out of flat I was sharing and moved in on my own
  
• This meant I could practice self patience-all on my own back
  
• Began cooking for myself-improved diet, money situation & energy levels
  
• Began doing press ups & sit-ups every day-embarrassing at first-could only do 10 press ups and 40 sit-ups a day.
  
• Began reading again-this was one of first things to go when depression hit
  
• I walked places instead of getting tubes/taxis
  
• I ate fruit instead of chocolate&chips
  
• Began writing lists-my memory had been screwed, I forgot everything, leading to a pattern of self recrimination-writing lists kept me busy and efficient
  
• Took a step back & recognized the pain my mother and my other sister were going through
  
• Began treating myself better-self patience, realizing there was no quick fix solution, recognizing that I am human, im not a freak, challenging my negative thinking
  
• Trying to look into the future-this was something I was not able to do, because I lived on a day to day existence, thinking to myself “well if tomorrow’s worse then I can kill myself”
  

Situation now:

• Back in work and was recently recognized in a spot prize for most improved performance
  
• Focus is back-im more organized out of work, exercise&diet have helped
  
• I have been seeing someone for 4 months-she is hot, intelligent and caring
  
• I am writing again in my freelance journalism job which I had lost
  
• I get up at 6am do 300 sit-ups and 200 press ups. I walk 45 minutes to work, and 45 back. I go running three nights a week
  
• I am a trained drugs and alcohol outreach worker
  
• I still go out but meet my friends much later than I was doing-i.e. instead of at 6pm, I don’t meet them until midnight-this tackles the binge drinking I was doing, but still enables me to have a great night
  
• I have been free of therapy and anti-depressants for 6 months
  

Key take-outs/learnings:

In my case, I realized the answer was in me. Nobody else could help me, until I learnt the hard way. Only I could dig myself out of the hole I was in-broke, nearly laid off, arrested for drug possession, suicidal with no future planned out apart from a potential jail term.

 

Patience-the change in me has all been down to small steps-nothing drastic has happened, no outlay of money, mystical revelation, magic pill, world-beating therapist. None of that. Simply concentrating on small things, achievable things pays dividends and takes your mind off the demons-i.e. eating better, tiny bits of exercise, getting a life outside of partying through volunteering.

 

Helping those less fortunate than yourself. I’d been to hell and back. In that time I’d had long stretches of self reflection, long stretches of wandering whether I could deal with the pain that tomorrow brought. Well, I’ve applied those learnings to help others. I know a great deal about drugs and alcohol abuse, about poverty, isolation, major depression and mental illness, through a year of therapy and experience. When I work with homeless, vulnerable people, no longer see them as those people who annoy me by asking for change, im no longer intimidated, im no longer looking down on them. I now treat them with the empathy and respect that they deserve, they are human just as we all are, and they deserve to be listened to not ostracized

 

And finally that is my key point here. Everyone’s human. Everyone screws up at some point in their life. Recognizing this for the basic truth that it is, can engender understanding and respect for those who are going through a hard time. Self forgiveness has been the cause of my rebirth, once I began to love myself I attracted positive energy into my life, and a greater respect for humanity as a whole. For those who are going through this at the moment, just be kind to yourself, take small steps and don’t worry about the big ones, learn to love yourself. For those who know someone going through a hard time, remember that one day you will lose someone you love, you too may be laid off work due to the recession, you too, when the **** hits the fan, will want people who listen, who will help you and not turn their backs.

 

At 27, I feel reborn, I still have my looks, im as fit as I was before my sister died, I am far far wiser than I was two years ago. For the first time, I can honestly say that I am grateful for all my experiences, no matter how fantastic or horrific (and I can tell you there were a lot of the latter) because I would not be who I am today. My kind friends, the one’s who stuck with me, who lent an ear, did not criticise but offered support when I was down and out, are now reaping the rewards of me at my prime, a strong, well rounded individual, who has a new found respect for humanity in all it’s weird and marvelous manifestations. And now, its my turn to help them. So to any lost souls reading this, it does get better if you let it, take a tiny step today and plan for tomorrow, there’s a whole world waiting for you.

 

Ps-listen and read Ronnie’s posts, full of wisdom, and whilst it took nearly a year, her help has been invaluable-a better friend I could not ask for!

[JaggedRoad]

Thank you for this post =)

[Ronni_W]

Everyone’s human. Everyone screws up at some point in their life. Recognizing this for the basic truth that it is, can engender understanding and respect

Amen to that, robaday!

Excellent post; so true that our answers are in each of us. I share your wish that your 'recovery journey' may serve to inspire others when they feel lost and hopeless. Thanks for sharing.

I am grateful and humbled.