Sympathy Relationships

[Nodoal]

Hi Guys

 

I was wondering if people could help me in finding out how far should you go for someone in a relationship when your needs arent being met?

 

I've just been holding some baggage after having a short but intense emotional experience with a German girl who was living in my house with whom i had a changing relationship with.

 

Initially i thought she was a beautiful, honest, caring person (as you do whenever those chemicals are running overtime) and from talking with her it confirmed my initial beliefs. We discussed our past relationships, she revealed her insecurities (which were quite large, she cared about what everyone thought about her and that she wasnt pretty when she was between a 7-8 lookwise) and i tryed to offer her guidance (i always feel that you shouldnt care less about what other people think and more about whats true for yourself and your goals)and i told her of my poor history at taking chances in past relationships. We got along well and we could talk for hours, it was a honest open friendly relationship that i really wanted at the time, only i started to have feelings beyond the amicable kind. After struggling whether to tell her i decided to tell her for myself even though i knew that she was leaving in two months and there could be nothing serious from it.

 

After telling her, i told her i expected nothing, but on the contrary she reciprocated. She hugged me, and while i felt elated, i was quite terrified, probably the male pursuer becoming the pursuee thing. But the next day i became truly terrified as when i visited her room she invited me in with a different look in her eyes. She said that she stayed up last night watching me from outside my window while i was sleeping. This scared me but i felt that she was very vulnerable so i didnt want her to feel like a crazy person.

 

We were then in a "relationship" as i tried to fight my instinct to run (which is pretty hard to do anyway when you live with someone) and instead find something in this relationship (i was still physically attracted to her). I found out that she had a boyfriend and that i "touched" her in a way that he didnt. We didnt have sex (which was frustrating for me, sexually) but we just touched each other, not below the waist though (which was frustrating for me, sexually).

 

After trying to break it up she started crying and acted like a child, even though i tryed (probably not hard enough in retrospect) to not give in, i couldnt stand her acting so weak and vulnerable (she was older than me, im 21 and shes 28). In the end i said to myself, that no matter how terrifying it is id stick it out till she leaves, even though i knew it was gonna kill me inside.

 

Those weaks past like years, and i became so confused about how i felt towards her i couldnt tell the difference between fear and love. I think she knew that i was looking for more, so she started touching me beneath the waist (which was not frustrating, sexually). Although i would have given more to be out of the relationship.

 

So basically, in a roundabout way, what role should sympathy play in our relationships, i know that i made my decisions based on fear of rejecting someone whom i cared about, but feeling sympathy for her made it easy to argue that i should not tell her how i feel.

 

When should that sympathy end? When should you not care about how your actions affect another? Is it ok to lie to yourself to protect the feelings of another or should we say the truth even though we know its going to damage someone?

 

Thanks for listening, i look forward to any comments.

Edited November 23, 2009 by Nodoal

[always_searching]

You should never date someone out of sympathy--it's degrading to her as well as to you.

 

You should tell her that, while you care for her as a friend, you are not interested in her in a romantic way.

 

If she asks why, you let her know. Tell her that she became too needy and possessive. If she starts crying, tell her that that kind of behavior is part of the problem as it makes you only feel obligated to stay with her due to pity. Make sure that you acknowledge that she is beautiful and that she will have no problem finding someone who is attracted to her, but that that person is not you.

 

Some woman (and men) play the pity card. Don't have sympathy sex and then dump her--she may play the "I'm pregnant" card.

 

 

Kidding. Sort of...

Edited November 23, 2009 by always_searching

[Nodoal]

Yeah your right although its going to take a while for me to start acting in that way.

 

I did keep telling her over and over that she was beautiful enough to find someone else if she wanted to, and while she said she was working on it she was so insecure from her history that she latched onto anyone close who made her feel beautiful.

 

What im wondering is whether her crying is real or an overreaction that she'll get over. I knew that i was lying to her and it was pretty patronizing in a way to pretend to care for someone but i felt that it could damage her more than it would hurt me.

 

Was she being manipulating? Or did she actually feel that hurt when she was crying? When girls start crying should we be moved?

 

Sometimes it feels like guys only weapon is to be unaffected by things, which sometimes makes me feel like the bad guy.

[DenverBachelor]

I'd give her a good German Keiser Frauleking and then kindly let her down. Grab her and go at it like you were aiming to tear down the Berlin wall yourself and then call the INS if she refuses to leave.

[mickleb]

You need to be completely honest with yourself before you can be honest with others, Nodoal.

 

Your feelings appeared to be conflicted in your account of what happened. You were clearly physically attracted to her and your feelings of attraction got quite mixed up with your feelings of repulsion. You, literally, didn't know if you were coming or going.

 

Take some time to decide how you feel (and what you think, too) about someone before going anywhere near their private parts (or letting them get to yours). It'll be a lot easier to explain where you're at to them, if you keep your head in control of your mouth and actions.

 

Honestly is not what hurts people, btw. It's how you deliver it. But you need to be firm with your own boundaries, and understand yourself why you have put them in place, before you can gently explain to others what is important to you.

 

Hope this helps. x