aristoo244 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Hi everybody, That's a great opportunity to have people like you here. After reading a few stories I felt better, however I still feel like i need some help on this. We've been dating over 4-years and we live together. Recently we've been discussing about our differences and some of these discussions were ended in a bitter way. But it all went fine after each one of them; stating how strong our love is to resist all these discussions.. Last week she wanted to move out. Then we had a talk and we said to each other we will give ourselves another chance and see how these differences are important in our lives. So after 3-hours of talks we were again together. Last one week it's been great and everything went all fine and she told me that she's been feeling better. But last Sunday morning she woke up and said she made a decision and needs to leave. We had a very nice Saturday night and there was no sign of any problem. Even before she left the bed, she came and kissed me, made jokes, laughed..etc But after 30 mins, she said she needs to move on and she's tired of all about our differences and she lost her energy..etc She kept crying and I wanted to stop her. I asked her whether there's somebody or she doesnt like me..etc She said she still loves me and -it is not denial, i trust her to the end- there's nobody else. She says she just needs some space and time alone. I tried to stop her but she went anyway. Later that day we met again and I reminded her that last week we gave each other another chance and we need some time together to find out how these differences affect our lives. She says she's already missed me and loves me much and would like to get our days back. But she says at the moment it is too early to say something about us. Then we left.. After this I sent couple of messages to her and she responded all of them and we even talked once on the phone and she was laughing and keep saying "I miss you very much". Tonight she wants to meet with me for a dinner to talk. I dont know what should I be doing, should I follow NC and see what happens or go after her to make her come back.. thank you-
Yashy Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 It sounds like she's quite confused. As hard as it may be, don't run or beg for her to come back. Sure, it's alright to say 'i miss you' but try to be laid back about it. The more you run towards her and try to bring her back, the more it will drive her away. I don't know what your differences are, but how 'different' are they? Are they things that are not too important to both of you, which can be worked on or ignored? People like to be around happy people, strong people and confident people. Again, this is the bull**** problem because how can one be 'happy' when the person they loved so much as walked out? Right? However, if you try to shift your mindset into a state where you are working hard on the things you love, the things you enjoy, the more you will find people want to flock to you; whether it's the girlfriend/boyfriend or friends or even strangers. If she thinks it's 'too soon' to come back, then don't rely on those words that a little while later she will come back. If she has said this, then just pull away for a bit and make her realise what she's missing but at the same time do it for you not for punishment. When you do it like that, she'll have respect for you and realise that you're actually stronger in mind than she thought. If you want to have her back, you have more of a chance by focusing on the things you enjoy doing and trying to be as grateful about everything as possible in order to shift your feelings from a place that is empty to one that is as fulfilled as can be during such a difficult time. We have to take a beating sometimes in life and it's painful, sure. But it's the path you take today that determines the type of person you are; either channeling all of this into a state where you hit rock bottom and head into a downward spiral or use it to boost you into oblivion and beyond the stars (corny I know). Whatever decision that you make, just know by feeling sorry for yourself and having pity as much as it will have people comfort you, will at the same time only lead to short term pleasure. I would strongly recommend you get the body some momentum, through exercise or some form of activity. It will make you feel better about you and your situation, which will help a lot of your decision making. The people on here are great, you'll get good advice from your situation. Hope this has helped.
Author aristoo244 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) Yes, you're right. I will let her use the time. But on the other hand I have a fear that I will lose her if I let things cool down. She's a very "determined" in person, so i dont know how I can possibly help her to change her decision. But I guess I will take her to the place where we first met for tonight's dinner. I will try to work on things that makes us happy. I think what you said is also very understandable, "whether these different things are really important, can be worked on or ignored.." I will think about it and discuss this with her. Basically our differences are based on our ideologies, political views..I am not really a political person and so far I tend to keep myself out of it. But since she's into it and when such a similar thing is on, we have these disagreements. Any suggestions on "I feel tired for trying" or "I've lost my energy"..How can I encourage her ? Any tips for the dinner tonight besides "look strong" and "show your energy" ? thanks a lot, cheers. Edited November 23, 2009 by aristoo244 typos
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Any suggestions on "I feel tired for trying" or "I've lost my energy"..How can I encourage her ? This is the type of thing that you want to empathize with, not offer suggestions on. When a person reaches this point, they don't want suggestions - they just want to be heard out. The best encouragement is simply to listen. She doesn't want to have a mutual discussion about your relationship. Anything you try to say and do to bring her back now will only be met with resistance and a greater effort to pull away from you. Stay where you are, don't try to move forward and don't move backward either. Let her decide how far or close to be right now. No begging, no rationalizing, nada. Just stand steady in your place and silent, and see what she does. What she does without your input is what she really wants to do, and as painful as it is - if walking away is what she wants to do you will have to let her. She will either want you back, or she won't. There is absolutely nothing you can do to affect what she does. All you can do is to make changes for yourself. Eventually you will be ready for NC - probably when you watch her walk away. When you go NC, do it for you and for you to heal from this. Don't do it if you are using it as a way to 'get her back'. It will be far more painful if you are sitting there in silence waiting every day to see if she is noticing that you aren't talking to her.
funnyguy09 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 it may not what you want to hear...but I'm 99% sure she has someone else. I went through the same exact thing, she wanted time, was confused, etc. I was a big softball and tried to meet her every need and want and managed to lose her for good. She kept denying there was someone else and so on. This is all BS and I recognized it the moment you described your situation. If what I'm guessing is true, you only have two options: 1. decide if you want her back after she might have already cheated on you emotionally and/or physically, then stand your ground and let her come to you. 2. walk away. it will hurt like hell but you will pull through.
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