Don't know what to think of my situation

[jnd2009]

First I'd like to say I'm new here and this is my first post. I've sort of figured out the abbreviations, but not 100%.

 

Anyways, here's my situation:

I've been with my bf for almost 5 years. I love him, and if he asked me to marry him I'd say yes in a heartbeat. We get along great, no big fights. We have a great relationship. and yes, we still have sex (a lot), it's great I can't complain.

However, I met a guy through work. We worked together for almost 2 years. We flirted just for fun, for the longest time it meant nothing, although for him I wasn't sure.

Well my bf brought up the idea of an open relationship- and I think that's where my mind started to wander. I've been with a few guys before my bf. I was my bf's 1st. He feels he hasn't had enough 'experience' and that's his reasoning for wanting it. We never fully agreed on the open relationship because we couldn't agree on details. However we came up with one situation- a 'one person, one time' deal, as long as his end was with my best friend (sounds weird, I've been told it will ruin relationships between all of us). Well my best friend never happened, they still joke around but I dont see them actually having sex. We never fully talked about my end- but I left it alone.

So back to this other guy- the flirting turned into sexual jokes more and more. Even after we stopped working together, we still keep in contact- text messages, facebook. Well we have gotten together a few times in a sexual manner. We have both agreed it is just fun sex, and nothing more from the start (he's married).

I just don't know how to interpret what I am doing. Basically I have no reason to be sexual related to this other guy- but I enjoy it. But yet I love being with my bf, he knows how to please me in every way, if not better than this guy. I have absolutely no feelings for this other guy either. I've thought about many what-if's of my situation, but I feel it's OK. I know many of you say this is wrong- both on my part and his- but there is no emotional connection- it's just fun sex- every so often that is. We obviously both have significant other's at home- but we both also go to school and work- so we see each other maybe once a month, if that. If you need more information feel free to ask- but what's your opinion (or advice!) on this?

[mark982]

it's cheating,it's wrong! basically you want the security of your bf,but be able to go out and boink another guy once a month of so. can't tell by your post if your bf knows of your activities. doesn't sound like you love him as much as you think.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

hey, why don't you ask your 'fun sex' guy's WIFE if it's all fun sex and 'nothing more.'

[lostsunsets]

Of course her BF doesn't know. If he did he would be crushed. But that's ok at least she is able to cheat and have sex with the married guy. I wonder how his wife would feel knowing that he was having "fun sex" with jnd2009. Hey jnd, does he have kids too. That would be even nicer of you.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Remind your BF about your conversation. Tell him you found someone and that if he doesn't mind, next Friday (pick a date), you won't be home, but with this guy. Remember no details or explanations, just that you are acting on his suggestion and you'll see him Saturday (not sure if you live together).

 

Now you two may find that you like this swinging lifestyle and you may decide that this high of a new man is much greater then you imagined and who knows where it goes from here.

 

I am honestly being non-judgemental and just pointing out some possibilities.

 

Best of luck..... You'll need it.....

 

P.S. Yet another post I read, that makes me so thankful of what I have with my spouse.....

[lonelyandfrustrated]

It's not okay to swing as 1/2 of a non-swinging couple. That's just cheating.

[seibert253]

This is pretty simple. If your BF was doing what you are, (a female who he was spending time with, emotionally attached to, and this was taking away time and love from his relationship with you), how would you feel about that?

 

I doubt you would be pleased or approve.

 

You are making excuses and justifying what your doing.

 

Here's a test, actually it's a solution:

Tell your BF what's been going on, and ask him how he feels about it. Bring up your past conversations about openess in your relationship, then see how he feels. Somehow I don't think his reaction will be what you want to hear.

 

I'm not trying to be an azz here, I'm just being brutally honest.

 

Open relationships seem to always self destruct. One of the partners falls for the another, then the relationship destructs.

 

You need to chose. Your BF or your OM. If your BF wants a relationship with you and you alone, you should respect that and give him the same. If you cannot do that, then you need to let him go to find someone who will.

[jnd2009]

in reply to your responses- no. my bf does not know. and no, the OM does not have kids. they've only been married for a little over a year (not that that justifies anything). yes, my bf and i live together. i'd be ok with my bf having 'just sex' (see below).

and i do still want to see about the open relationship aspect. i honestly would not mind if he did get with another girl in that way (no emotional attachment btw, as i do NOT have feelings for this OM). our original 'plan' was for him to hook up with my best friend. although many have said that it will tear up our relationship (between BF and best friend). that never went through, my best friend decided she doesn't really want to. of course i'd feel weird with him and another girl- that's why i'm wondering if it would be better for it to be someone i know of or some girl that i'll never know. i'm a 'i want to know everything' kind of person, although there are some things that is best i don't know.

[Bryanp]

Your current relationship is now based on lies and deceit. By not being honest with your boyfriend you are showing disrespect and contempt toward your relationship with him. A relationship is either based on trust and honesty or lies and deceit. It is clear which one you have chosen. I guarantee you this will all end very badly for you. You are in a fog.

[Chrome Barracuda]

God is this woman crazy or what? What's the point of being in a relationship? if your going to sleep with someone else! You need to tell your BF the truth and let him decide if he wants to stay with you, why risk him catching std's!??

 

What the hell do you want from this relationship! it isnt fair to him or you!

[HUFI]

... jnd2009 ... I love him, and if he asked me to marry him I'd say yes in a heartbeat. We have a great relationship. and yes, we still have sex (a lot), it's great I can't complain... We never fully agreed on the open relationship because we couldn't agree on details....We never fully talked about my end- but I left it alone.

Well we have gotten together a few times in a sexual manner....I've thought about many what-if's of my situation, but I feel it's OK ... but there is no emotional connection- it's just fun sex- every so often that is. If you need more information feel free to ask- but what's your opinion (or advice!) on this?[/QUOTE]

 

Here is my most honest advice - go to this thread and read it. It will save me a lot of typing.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203205/

 

if reading this doesn't change your mind or clue you in that you're in a very dangerous place, then nothing will.

 

I guess that as long as its mindless sex and no one knows so no one cares and no one gets hurt, then what the hell... but I think that if you just sat there with your SO and your OM at some trendy cafe sipping on a lattle and blithly said, Tom, I'm having great sex with Harry here, then you would find out in about 2 minutes that at least Tom is going to go home with a broken heart, Harry may have a broken nose and you will ne left sitting there thinking What the F**K just happened?

 

Please, read the other post .. try and understand that its not the sex that hurts, its the act of betrayal and the loss of trust that is so devestating. I know, I was in your shoes last year and I regret it each and everyday now when I wake up in the morning.

 

Your last chance to stop starts right now.

Edited November 25, 2009 by HUFI
Another spelling mistake ..

[jnd2009]

HUFI. Thank you. It is quite the eye-opener. We don't see each other all that much to avoid any suspicion on our SO's part. But that is my big fear, I know my bf would not be happy, and there goes the everything we have built together for 5 years, my whole life now. We have such a trusting relationship, and yes, I know I took advantage of it, I don't want him to have to question anything in our relationship for my wrong-doing- where abouts, etc. He knows I've gone out with this guy as friends (movies, hang out after work)- but bf has no idea. I want our relationship to stay happy as it is now. I also know how horrible it feels to be cheated on, my xbf right before my current bf cheated on me- which was one of the top 3 things in my life that tore me apart inside- hence the reason I don't want my bf to know. i could not tear him apart like that- i care about him way too much.

I know this won't last forever- like i said previously he wants kids with his wife but not while he's in school (he has another year). I'd still like to be friends with him, but it's gotten to everytime i see him he wants to mess around. I'd like to slowly but surely get out of it.

[mark982]

you want to get out of it as you say. that's pretty easy,just don't go around the guy,don't answer calls etc. for someone who was tore up as a previous bf cheated on you, didn't learn anything did you?

[Bryanp]

Do I understand this correctly. You have been sexually a few times with this other guy for a number of fun sex times and put your boyfriend's health at risk for STD's and you refuse to tell him the truth because you don't want to hurt his feeling and destroy everything you have built with him? Everything you are doing is so self-serving. You have no desire to suffer any consequences to your cheating and betrayal of your boyfriend. Yet you say you would marry him in a heartbeat and it was nothing but just fun sex. It is amazing how dishonest and degrading you are to your boyfriend. Why don't you show some moral character and be honest with your boyfriend and allow him to determine how he wishes to proceed with your relationship. You engage in lies and deceit and continue to refuse to be honest with your boyfriend of 5 years. You are a very dishonest person. Nobody deserves to be treated the way you are treating your long term boyfriend.

[doomage]

I also know how horrible it feels to be cheated on, my xbf right before my current bf cheated on me- which was one of the top 3 things in my life that tore me apart inside- hence the reason I don't want my bf to know. i could not tear him apart like that- i care about him way too much.

I know this won't last forever- like i said previously he wants kids with his wife but not while he's in school (he has another year). I'd still like to be friends with him, but it's gotten to everytime i see him he wants to mess around. I'd like to slowly but surely get out of it.

 

So if you know how it is to be cheated on then why would you do it to somone you care about? I'm not saying you don't care about him because you cheated on him, you can but the best thing to do is to tell him the truth. Be prepared for the consequences of your actions. Remember you can only control yourself and not his reaction to it.Think about if the shoe was on the other foot wouln'ldnt you want him to tell you that he messed around on you? Don't say no because in all honesty you would wan't to know. Think about it.

 

And if your straying then not all is happy in the home. He's either doing something wrong or you guys are just not ready to be in a commited relationship. Don't be selfish do the right thing. best of luck.

[HUFI]

I'd like to slowly but surely get out of it.

 

Let me make this simple. You do it like your going to quit smoking. It’s called Cold Turkey.

 

If you don't, trust me, then you will just drag it out by the day, the week and the month. There is no easy way but there is a way, its called NC.

 

NC means NO CONTACT. It’s simple. You email or text him a simple message. Word for Word it should say this. Hello. I am telling you that our affair was a mistake and that I am ending it. I am in love with my SO. I do not want you to ever contact myself again by any means at anytime or place. Bye.

 

Nothing more elaborate. Nothing fancy. No talk about how tragic it was or is or how you will cherish the time you shared. The idea is to be blunt and forthright.

 

Then, after that’s done. Go home, find every single memento and picture and gift that he ever gave you and trash them. All of them. Then go onto FB and Myspace and delete him. Block him. Block the friends who you share or better yet, get off FB and get a real life with your real SO.

 

Get rid of all "triggers" and that means the music that reminds you of him, the perfume that he liked, and the clothes that you wore when you had sex with him. The idea is to remove him from your life today, completely.

 

Then deal with the other triggers. Stop going to the trendy cafe that you used to hang out at. Change your grocery store; take another route home from work.

 

His number gets deleted and blocked from your phone. You replace your phone wallpaper with one that says NO CHEATING. Delete his emails, his messages, his everything. Do this today if you can or else you will feel tempted and then you will try to save something to hold onto and you can't do that.

 

No different from going cold turkey from smokes or drinking, all it will take is one small sip from the cup of “I miss him" to set you back on the road. I know your might say that your too strong for that but face it, the reason that you wrote " I'd like to slowly but surely get out of it" is that you are addicted already.

 

Last thing ... you might think that this is only a game but the consequences are very real. I want to share with you a letter that I recently read. In response to the question of whether or not the aftermath of D-Day was the most painful experience thus far, Cygnus answered with this very moving post.

 

 

I've been mulling this over because I've seen it vocalized by some in different threads by some people that have apparently been through some truly terrible things in their lives.

 

Myself, I've been sexually, physically and emotionally abused. Two out of my three children have almost died upon multiple occasions and in one scenario it was so "certain" that we were making funeral arrangements only to thankfully be surprised to the contrary. I have experienced pregnancy and infant loss, death of loved ones, suicides of friends- many jaw-dropping difficult things and I've been able to look at things rationally and have "appropriate" feelings surrounding these events. I've even been able to adopt a very healthy "Why not me?" attitude and in some instances I've been glad that if statistically these things had to happen to someone I'm glad they happened to me because I had the tools to handle them.

 

However, for the first time I can say without hesitation that the pain of the betrayal of the A was and is the worst thing that I have ever endured. I actually have spent much of my time post D-Day beating myself up because I was never even a fraction as upset about my cancer baby and his journey as I have been upset and DESTROYED by the A. The whole "I must be a bad wife" blame game 100%.

 

I am mostly past that blame game as I do realize that they're very different kinds of pain. The pain of the A is a very intimate, internalized pain. I thought there could never be something as terrible as being faced with the mortality of someone who was so recently a part of my body (pregnancy) and is still do dependent on me (breastfeeding) but I was wrong.

 

Watching the part of me that was my marriage and was so invested in my WH DIE has been much, much harder. It's a very slow death. Cancer's a bitch, but at least it's "natural" KWIM?

 

- End of letter -

Edited November 26, 2009 by HUFI
Code errors

[lkjh]

Right now you can't say that you love your bf because you are cheating and lying to him. Your bf did ask for a stupid thing(open relationship) but at least he came to you about it. You are going behind his back and he will eventually find out. He has been with you for 5 years, eventually something will click even if it is 5 years down the road. You will be shocked how often this happen.

 

You have to remember that this is your bf's life to, not just yours. He has a right to know whats going on in his life and he should be aloud to make decisions regarding it. Don't take that from him to. If you really don't love and respect him enough to tell him the truth then you should leave him and let him find someone who can.

[Flabbergaster]

Advice from a MM:

GET OUT NOW while you are still having fun. End on a positive note, WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

 

You are having fun NSA sex with this guy. What happens if you catch feelings? If you like him as a friend (at all), you probably will. Orgasms lead to emotions.

 

I got into a NSA sex relationship with a (not single) woman a few months ago. It was great...occassional hookups, wild fun sex. Very relieving for both of us.

 

You won't BELIEVE how fast you catch feelings and decide you're in love.

EVEN IF you're both dead set against catching feelings and agree to stop the moment you see it happening. Once you're in love...things get really complicated, and your life is f'd up no matter what path(s) you take.

 

Do you want to get to a point where you need to choose between your bf and your sex friend, and either way your heart is broken? Where he needs to choose between you and his wife, and either way his heart is broken?

TRUST ME this is the worst place you could find your heart. Some days I want to die, it's so bad.

 

GET OUT NOW.

Stop having sex with this guy. Stop being his friend; it's too dangerous for your heart, his, and...oh yeah, for your bf and his wife.

 

Maybe later (once you've cleared your head) you can talk about open relationship with your bf. If you try that, do it WITH HIS INVOLVEMENT. Your current boytoy...he can't be part of your swinging lifestyle. Choose someone new, not someone you have a dark secret with.

 

GET OUT NOW and you still have a wild memory from your 'reckless youth' to smile about.

Stay in...and you will suffer suffer suffer.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

What you and your boyfriend decide...is up to you two.

Whether you want to be swingers or not.

 

The problem is....

 

YOU ARE F'ing a married man!

Do you have a clue as to the potential consequences!

 

Just because you want to be a whore for fun.... does not necessarily line up with the OM's wifes morals. If you doubt me....give her a call.

 

You attitude is despicable...how you so casually post what you are doing.

 

If you and your BF want to see other people....do so with single people!

[jnd2009]

thanks guys (and gals)

 

and flabbergaster- extra thanks. you being in a similar situation, but on the other end, definitely helps, plus the way you put it. i appreciate it.

[Malenfant]

i still cant believe that you would have been happy for your BF to knob your best friend