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How hard should I pursue?


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Posted

Ugh. Being an older man trying to get back into dating is sometimes very trying..... I feel like a teen-ager who needs to figure everything out for the first time again. The good news is that this community has helped me get past a break-up (which ended over 4 months ago), and now maybe I can get help finding a special person. Here's my first (of what might end up being many) questions:

 

I posted an ad on-line and 4 days ago got a very nice response from a woman without a profile. In e-mail form, the exchanges were rapid, dynamic, and the virtual chemistry was evident. That quickly transformed into our first phone call 3 nights ago. She has my number, I don't have hers. The day before yesterday, I decided to work from home and sent her a note that morning. About an hour later I got a phone call from her and the asked if I wanted to meet her for some coffee.

 

Well, the meeting went great! I was blown away about how lucky I had been to find someone with both great looks and an approach-able personality (for some reason, I have found this to be a rare combination in these parts) - and the chemistry was thick-enough to cut with a knife. I am confident that we both feel really good about what happened because the meeting was followed up by more notes by both of us which very clearly affirmed it as such.

 

(Bear with me, I'll be getting to the question soon)

 

From our conversations I learned that she is new to doing *anything* on-line, and was therefore very nervous about both writing me and meeting me in person. It took her 3 days before she revealed her real name. To date, I still don't have her phone-number. Instead of asking for it, I reminded her that I didn't have it, and joked with her about the fact that she was still in control about that aspect of our communications.

 

In the notes I have sent after our meeting, which have all been answered by her with enthusiasm, I have asked about when we might be able to meet again. In her replies, she answers all my questions except for those. I mean no answer at all -- either positive or negative. Yet her notes are positive, inquisitive, and "feel" like she likes communicating with me.

 

So.... I don't get it. It has only been 4 days of e-mailing and that one coffee-date. Should I write her a note that puts her on the spot about avoiding my suggestion that we go out again? Should I go with the flow? Should I take this as a hint that she doesn't want to meet again? This last possibility would be *really* confusing to me as all the signals say she likes me -- but hey, that's why I'm here. Maybe this is some type of "hard to get" / flirt game?

 

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

Posted

Could very well be a game, although older people usually don't do that as much. I would drop the question of a next meeting entirely until she brings it up, keep your profile up on the dating site, and be open to meeting others. Meanwhile, don't put up with too much from this gal despite the intense chemistry. If she doesn't soon give you her phone number and make this a more normal situation, tell her to take her chemistry and deposit it at the nearest landfill.

Posted

Four days is a very short time. She may have decided to proceed with more caution. She may have received warnings from people who have done similar things and ended up unhappy with the results. She may even have gotten grief from her friends because she met you very quickly. Continue to remain in contact with her for a while and see how it goes.

 

It's entirely possible that she's in a relationship which she is trying to exit and that she's thinking of you as next in line but first she has to disentagle herself!

 

Due a couple of past foolish choices, I am VERY cautious about who I meet from cyber-life and I would counsel anyone else to do the same. Give her time to assure herself that you're an OK guy.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks Moimeme and Tony,

 

Unless she's lying (in which case I wouldn't want to pursue anyway), she's been divorced for about a year. She was coaxed on-line by a close girl-friend that had success with the on-line post method of finding someone. So, I don't think its the disentaglement theory.

 

It might just be general caution. I hope so. She's already mentioned that most of her friends would think she had gone off her rocker to meet someone the way she did.

 

I failed to mention is that we live in a small town (by Bay Area standards), and we have already determined we have common acquaintences -- so she can verify (if she chooses) that I'm no axe-murderer...

 

I guess my question now is whether or not I should be direct as possible... like writing her a note with no other subject than that of our meeting again. I could tell her that I don't mind a "not now" or "never" response... even that would be preferable to guessing. What I don't want to do is scare her off with too much pressure.

Posted

What I don't want to do is scare her off with too much pressure.

 

So chill. Continue to correspond. Give it a week or two. If, by then, she hasn't suggested getting together again, then bring it up.

  • Author
Posted

You are right -- I need to chill. I truly feel like a hyper teen-ager about this. Kind of fun in a way -- reminds me that I can still get giddy about something. I just need to slap myself and take thing slowly....

Posted

Yeah, I know. It's a pain to have to restrain one's enthusiasms, however it's what's expected.

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