onward Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) Hello friends, it's been a while... We finally separated in July after 1.5 years of living while separated and navigating a collaborative divorce process. We have been saying that we are divorced both for the sake of our daughter (6.5), and because that is our view, even though the court won't make it so until Feb/March. Since we never fought in front of our daughter she didn't know about the divorce until the day we separated, and the specialists we were consulting advised to convey to her a sense of finality. I had been doing really well since separation, in many aspects of life, and even dated for a short amount of time. I'd say that my preference is for us to stay together, but I also know and can handle moving on without too much difficulty. Things are a bit more anxious for XW, largely due to not being able to land a job. While the ideal may be for me to do NC, the reality of co-parenting, and both of us being very involved in DD's school, is causing us interact several times a week. Four weeks ago our daughter's emotional and academic struggles became apparent - 1.5 months into 1st grade. While the divorce is an obvious item, it now appears like there is much more to her issues (ADHD and/or dyslexia + significant opositional behavior that have been documented by the school since her pre-K days), we won't know for sure until a therpist has finished a thorough assessment and observations (6 half days in total). It's been a bumpy and very emotional three weeks to say the least. XW and I have been doing intake sessions together with the child specialists, and some elements of the discussion were tense (e.g. XW anxiously interrupting me a couple of times, and stating that she is not getting the opportunity to be heard). But... as always, we continue to function very well as co-parents. Our formal arrangement for Thanksgiving is having our daughter on alternating years. This is the XWs year. But... she got confused on odd or even years, until two weeks ago. Her plan is for them to spend the day with good common friends that we have, and she indicated that I'm welcome to come as well. I initially had just planned to go, but after a conversation with my guy friends I'm much more torn on on the subject (my friends' point was that going would not be healthy for me, and is debasing -- "you're done, so be done" "next year you'll have DD, just move on.") Any thoughts on the topic? Edited November 23, 2009 by onward
WTFO Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I initially had just planned to go, but after a conversation with my guy friends I'm much more torn on on the subject (my friends' point was that going would not be healthy for me, and is debasing -- "you're done, so be done" "next year you'll have DD, just move on.") Any thoughts on the topic? I'm kind of on the fence, I mean if you got along with everyone and the XW wasn't bringing the OM it could be due able, for the kids sake. (kind of in the same situation) However in my case the OM is going to be there with his kid and that's totally a NO-GO for me. Then I would try to spend time with the child either before the stbxw's get together or after.
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 If it would mean alot to your daughter and if you and your ex can get along fine, without any crap, or drama, GO. Put your feelings aside, rise above it and just look at it as a loving thing you're doing for your daughter. Right now this isn't about you or your ex. Sure it may not be the best thing for you, noone wants to be with their ex unless they HAVE to, but since you and the ex seem on speaking terms, explain to your daughter that you two will always love her, she comes first and that mom/dad are OK as co-parents, no worries, no fights..
Author onward Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 There's no OM at the moment. I know because XW and I hit the same social venues, just on alternate nights. Our Daughter sees us doing many things "together" / collaboratively. The big dynamics at play are my ability and tenacity in making continuing progress along the emotional separation front, vs. spending time together "as a family" which I already know would feel good all around, but continues an enmeshing and confusing state (it also is one more way that XW gets certain needs met by me, even though we're separated).
Author onward Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 If I stay home or go to other friends I'll feel "alone" If I go I'll feel 'ok' and probably have a good time, but will probably perpetuate a mental "myth" that maybe we'll move towards reconciliation. It's a question of my ability to create space between us, and move on. I'm having some trouble with that, and have had that problem since she said she was 'done' with the marriage...
D-Lish Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Your friends are advising you based on their kinship with you (which is nice)- and what they are saying would make sense if your child wasn't involved. Part of moving on is learning how to push your marital issues aside while simultaneously remaining a cohesive parental unit. You are no longer her husband, but you will always be a parent. I think putting your differences aside and spending the holiday together is a great idea- for your daughter. The process of divorce will be easier on your daughter if she senses that you and your wife can put your differences aside to love her. That's a lesson she needs to learn right away. You know what? If it makes sense with regard to your daughter, I say go for it. If you and your wife can put your differences away to help your child through this difficult transition..Good for you- you've got style.
Gunny376 Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 AT 6.5 Thanksgiving is just another day in November ~ just like any other. If you go? Its all gong to the XW and her friends & family. There is adversity in Life ~ and the sooner that the DD learns that? The better off she will be. The sooner she learns that life is not all about what she wants? The stronger she will become. All she really needs is to know that you love, honor, and cherish her! That she's Daddy pride and joy! That you will always love her and in as much as you can will be there for her ~ through Hell and Damination ~ through thick and blood! You need not do that to go through this farce of a celebration that soltice to your X's mind. Let the X deal with the guilt that is upon her mind for having brought this to the point that it is. The 26th of November is not a Holy day ~ but a pubically sanctioned federal holiday. You and your DD have the rest of the 364 days to give thanks for all you have. What is important? Is your long term relationship with the DD. Not a freaking single day in November that the Federal Government has set aside for us to give "Thanks" We shouldn't give thanks on just one day a year ~ but everday of our lives!
Chrome Barracuda Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 hang with your friends for thanksgiving. if you dont feel comfortable being around the x, then dont do it. You are divorced, so be divorced. understand that you are gonna have things seperate and seperate holidays. If you accept it you must deal with it the best you can and move on. I mean it would be nice of you to show up and give your kid a hug, but dont stay longer than what's neccessary. This is your ex's thanksgiving, so let her have the one she wants. Soon your gonna start dating again and have the kid over, what happens when you meet someone and be with her and your kid is over your house, what if your ex will feel arkward if she had to go over to your house and see you in your element?
Author onward Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 To be clear, the friends are equal mutual friends, they are not the X's friends or her family. Also, our daughter is seeing many examples of us working together and doing things together. We have so many common activities, interests, and friends that it is not at all uncommon for us to all end up on the same weekend day at an activity together and for us to function well as a "family" . So Gunny's point is well taken. I can tell you that on my years we will definitely be going to visit my family (I do not have the financial or relationship problems that are keeping the 'x' away from hers this holiday), and Thanksgiving has always been special to my immediate family. I also don't think that the X cares that much if I show up or not to the event. The dillema is all in my head, and has to do with this fantasy that because the final decree has not been issued the X may change her mind. Particularly if we experience a good cozy family event together.
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