EskimoPassingBy Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 This is pretty long so I hope you guys can read through it and help me. Thanks. We have many many mini arguments over nothing on txt/sms and then we become loving again the next day all the time. Note: It has never been face to face (Take note of this point because its the main reason for the break up lol) So just a week ago, me and my ex-girlfriend broke up. Ofcourse it was hurting when the bombshell dropped because I didn't really expect it. She went on a trip with her friends for 4 days and then come back and told me she doesn't know if she loves me anymore. While she was on her trip, we both realised different things about the relationship. I realised that I need to respect her because I do love her and arguments over nothing just gets us nowhere; While she realised that she needed a different kind of relationship. We met once after the trip and she assured me that she does not give second chances due to her past experiences in relationships. I thought that it was a wake up call and I could completely let go, but after awhile I feel like crap again. So we exchanged emails as a closure kinda thing to say what we both feel about the break up a week after it. I told her that this relationship deserves a second chance and I realised the problems of it. Points from her email: 1) She doesn't think the relationship will be the same if it starts again from a problem, meaning that she wants a fresh start with the lovey dovey kind of feeling without any past. 2) I asked how she felt after the break up, she said that she feels nothing and that it was gone during the trip 3) She realised that she wants a relationship that is more 'alive and spontaneous' 4) If she does give me a second chance, it will be for all the wrong reasons. In 2 weeks, I will be away for 1 and a half month and so happen she will be gone right after my trip. This equates to 2 month of being away from each other. I have tried letting it go, but this morning I find myself woken up from a dream with her in it. She tries to be a friend and MSNs me, so I wonder how I can initiate NC even if I want to. Do you all think that there can possibly be a chance to get back with her? Will NC make her remember the memories we had? Can her love just suddenly die when just before her trip, we were totally in love?
LovelyDaze Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Love is just tough in general. People who don't handle relationships with care tend to make illogical decisions. Yes, your ex can't help but think about you too but it is what she thinks of those memories that will make her act. You HAVE to initiate NC...unless you like a relationship yo-yo.
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) So initiating NC will make her think about me? (Be it miss or just think in general). She told me in the email after I asked her to be honest and mature as we are both adults and can handle the truth, that her feelings for me are totally gone. So I guess either way, NC will be a good option.. Now I have to figure out how to start NC as she still tries to talk to me on MSN. Any ideas =)? Edited November 23, 2009 by EskimoPassingBy
j_cali_man Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Hi Eskimo, You have a TON of reading to do on this site to be up to speed on the whole NC / LC and second chances stuff. You made a good move by being here and it sounds like things are still recent enough that you can cease and decist as far as trying to change her mind, plead, get upset, negotiate, etc. Her mind is made up and teh NC forces her to either stick by her guns or reach out to you (may take weeks or months....). The more you push or leave the door open for her to be wishy washy with you like instant messaging or IM's and such...the harder it will be for her to miss you and for you to HEAL and get stronger. Once you are stronger, then you will have posture (confidence) to lay down your boundaries of what's ok treatment and whats not. You are gonna be hurting like a mo-fo for a while. I am 3 weeks in and logged in tonight because I started going stir crazy missing my girl and such. Hang in there J
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) Hi Eskimo, You have a TON of reading to do on this site to be up to speed on the whole NC / LC and second chances stuff. You made a good move by being here and it sounds like things are still recent enough that you can cease and decist as far as trying to change her mind, plead, get upset, negotiate, etc. Her mind is made up and teh NC forces her to either stick by her guns or reach out to you (may take weeks or months....). The more you push or leave the door open for her to be wishy washy with you like instant messaging or IM's and such...the harder it will be for her to miss you and for you to HEAL and get stronger. Once you are stronger, then you will have posture (confidence) to lay down your boundaries of what's ok treatment and whats not. You are gonna be hurting like a mo-fo for a while. I am 3 weeks in and logged in tonight because I started going stir crazy missing my girl and such. Hang in there J Thanks, its always good to hear from someone who is going through a break up as well. I have tried NC but missed her badly and broke it (before I stumbled upon the guides and forums). So I guess the next time she talks to me, I will just tell her that I think we should stop contacting each other. The problem is how should I initiate it? Just not reply her when she tries to talk to me or tell her we should stop contacting? Edited November 23, 2009 by EskimoPassingBy
j_cali_man Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I know how you feel. I broke NC by text, email, and calling all within the first week. Once I got serious, I have found that things get a little easier. It is still hard as h*ll and time seems to drag on at times. I go out with friends, stay busy, work on me stuff, etc. but I know it will take a while for the 3+ years of doing so much together to wear off. As far as initiating it, you DO NOT need to have a conversation to tell her. You do it for YOU and that is that. Make her wonder what happened and where you went. It talks about how to initiate the NC plan and you can decide if it's to eventually reconcile or for you to heal and move on. Others can chime in here but there is no purpose to tell her you won’t be talking unless there is an ulterior motive to believe she will have a change of heart because she loses you being so accessible. Won't happen (just yet) so cut her off. J
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) Thanks dude, I'll try that. Thanks for the advices. I've been going out this week more than I had in the month and managed to get my mind off her at times. But certain things still remind me of her wherever I see. Its painful that when we were together, she told me how funny it is that she got over her ex in 2 weeks. Makes me wonder what she thinks that she got over me within a week. A part of me tells me that the one dumping will always be better off than the dumpee. The dream I had of her this morning felt so real and made it even more disappointing when I woke up to reality. All this going out is making me use alot more fuel too . A part of my helplessness before is the 2 month period where we will be away from each other (Different countries). But that doesn't really matter anymore as she told me already that her feelings are gone and nothing will change when I come back (in the email 'closure' we had). However when I asked her face to face the day after break up whether she will regret it or not, she says things tend to kick in awhile later and then it will hit hard. Right now, I'm uncertain that she will regret the break unless she finds a new guy that doesn't top me. So my only hope is NC. Edited November 23, 2009 by EskimoPassingBy
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) Okay, I couldn't bring myself to ignore her. So I just told her that I think no contact is the best. She was all like... 'isn't it mean to her that she thinks we're all good now and are friends and then suddenly like, no'. She said its kind of mean that I didn't accept the no contact right at the very beginning and now when she thinks we're all good I suddenly say I want no contact. I just told her that I understood her break up reasons and she should treat this as my way of respecting the break up. And that was it. NC time. Hope she doesn't hate me for it. I wish I can show you all the conversation and tell me if I did it right but thats a private conversation. Edited November 23, 2009 by EskimoPassingBy
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Im starting to think I did the wrong move as she seemed annoyed... and stopped replying to me while I was telling her about NC. Sigh. I guess my only option is to stick by my words, as contacting her now is just adding oil to fire.
Narf Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 You did the right thing! She is prob in shock.. Kinda like you where when she DUMPED you!! You have done nothing wrong by her... She is the one that ended it, what did she think would happen? You would be able to hang around be her mate while she gets with new guys?? Dont do it to yourself! I believe she will make contact again but i hope she wont, it is extremely hard to stay no contact when they are trying to talk to you... but they are only doing it so they dont miss you :/ as soon as you reply they feel good again and can keep on moving on
j_cali_man Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Ok, I am not any kind of expert. My list of screw ups runs with the best of them. That being said, the NC has nothing to do with making her feel better. It is to protect YOU from the yo yo effect. Telling her you were gonna do NC was advised against because it opens you up to this. See, she was in control. She dumped you. She fed you bread crumbs. She couldn't make up HER mind. Well, she made up her midn to split but had guilt and such so kept you clinging on. Remember, if you start beating yourself up ask yourself "did she just get upset because I took control of MY emotions and initiated NC" or did she get upset and say "I don't want to lose you. I am sorry. i want to make things work with US and I thought things were getting better?" The 11th commandment is "Tho shalt not fool thyself" so you and only you know what the real answer is and if she is all mixed up and trying to let you down gently or if she made a mistake (by stating so and acting on making thing right). You need boundaries with her and if you two are to be in contact, its to be working on a better relationship together. Flat out. If not, then you are dragging out the inevitable and making it easier for her to meet someone else because she does not feel guilty for breaking it off with you because of your "new" convenient friendship. Sometimes LC will work too (from what I am reading) but it has to be strict boundaries and it still may open you up to falling in the friend zone. Friends until she tires of you around. Keep us posted. You now have the cookie J .
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 I woke up at 6 today feeling bad about my actions. And I was tempted to txt her but managed to control my emotions and sent an email instead. Heres what I did, I told her that I have no idea why shes annoyed and no contact is something I need to move on and I hope she understands. And if she does, I'll be happy. I promised myself, this is the last time I will contact her. Thanks alot for the advices, I'm suppose to be the one with the option whether I want to talk to her or not especially when shes the one who dumped me. I have deleted her from MSN so that I will not be tempted to start a chat with her.
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) Ok, Shes such a ***** its not even funny. She tells me to stop emailing her which I did out of concern, and then I went to msn to talk to her about it and she doesn't reply at all. She acts like I'm the one who dumped her. She doesn't deserve me and she is not the person I loved. I told her that break ups show true colors in regards to her relationship before mine, and I realised that applies here as well. I didn't want a bad break up but why did things have to be this way.. I feel helpless. I don't know why things turned out like this... I guess theres no chance in this relationship anymore since shes already annoyed with me. And well, 2 weeks until I go on my trip. So no contact from now.. A friend of mine suggested to talk over phone rather than msn as its highschool stuff. But thats adding oil to fire imo. Edited November 24, 2009 by EskimoPassingBy
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 I just woke up to another dream of her, telling me that everything was a test to see if I can really respect her and all that... do you guys get dreams all the time about your ex's?
JaggedRoad Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 I had dreams about the ex every night for the first two weeks. It stopped for a while, but they still happen from time to time. My ex refused to speak to me over the phone as well and insisted that talking online was the only way possible for us to communicate. And yes, it is very childish.
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 I know.. on the night of the break up, I demanded to talk to her on the phone about it then only she did it. Now shes being such an ass to me, I don't know how she can do it to someone she once loved. Heartless.. she got annoyed due to my emails as I woke up concerned over her. Then while trying to ask her opinion about NC on msn, she doesn't reply to me at all even though shes there. Its like her way of saying 'You wanted this, I'm giving it to you. So stop pestering me'. I hate her and love her at the same time, it sucks.
DenverBachelor Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Let me get this straight. You tell her you want "no contact" and then the next day you e-mail her? You know, that's a sign of weakness and not only did you piss her off when you asked for NC (which she would have gotten over eventually) but then you proceed to contact her! Hey, we all make mistakes. But you're standing on scorched Earth now. Time to move on and go back into NC to heal.
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 (edited) I told her I wanted NC and wanted her opinion the night before the email. She didn't reply at all. I realised it was a mistake to email her afterwards but I felt bad about suddenly doing the NC without her consent at all. I realised the mistake after she replied to it. Guess I screwed up any chances of her remembering me as the past and not the annoying one. I just didn't understand why she thought it was mean that I wanted NC and then go on to be annoyed about it. If she wasn't annoyed and accepted NC, then I wouldn't have broke it. To start with, she offered NC at the beginning and now she thinks its mean that I want NC to heal. Which I told her in the nicest way possible. Edited November 24, 2009 by EskimoPassingBy
Tayla Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 I told her I wanted NC and wanted her opinion the night before the email. She didn't reply at all. I realised it was a mistake to email her afterwards but I felt bad about suddenly doing the NC without her consent at all. I realised the mistake after she replied to it. Guess I screwed up any chances of her remembering me as the past and not the annoying one. Sounds like its your moves that are very conflicting, do yourself and especially her a favor. Stop the yo yo behavior of going back and forth. First you have a *closure* email . That should have been where it ended. I am beginning to think you carry stalker behavior if you keep going back to her wanting something you are not going to get, her regards. I GET IT that you are not grasping what NC is really about. IT IS NOT about getting that person to yearn for you. Its a part of moving on. Getting your life back, if you think its for her to miss you then you are missing the boat. Maybe this is your first real true love and for that I can empathize but I cannot read this article when you bounce around more then Tigger in Winnie the Pooh.(sorry odd humor). She was clear with you that she doesn't do second chances . That should have told you she isnt one to go thru the hard times (which do happen in any relationship). Heal yourself ....
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Sounds like its your moves that are very conflicting, do yourself and especially her a favor. Stop the yo yo behavior of going back and forth. First you have a *closure* email . That should have been where it ended. I am beginning to think you carry stalker behavior if you keep going back to her wanting something you are not going to get, her regards. I GET IT that you are not grasping what NC is really about. IT IS NOT about getting that person to yearn for you. Its a part of moving on. Getting your life back, if you think its for her to miss you then you are missing the boat. Maybe this is your first real true love and for that I can empathize but I cannot read this article when you bounce around more then Tigger in Winnie the Pooh.(sorry odd humor). She was clear with you that she doesn't do second chances . That should have told you she isnt one to go thru the hard times (which do happen in any relationship). Heal yourself .... After reading that, although harsh, it woke me up. Yeah shes my first true love. Thanks
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 (edited) I'm going to treat this thread as a diary and update on my status each day =). Day 2 of NC now! I find myself copying a little better than yesterday. Woke up to a dream of her, yet again... and went to play soccer. Looking back on the past week, I feel really stupid. She was my first love and I thought she was going to be my last. A part of my helplessness and paranoid attitude was due to how fast all these happened. One moment she was in love with me, after 4 days on a trip and its gone. I find myself wondering how fragile love can be. Theres only 10 days left until I am out of the country for two months. I'm going to admit that at the moment, I still hope that she will be back but I know deep down that things will be different even if she does. However, I am going to have to live with it and use this relationship as a lesson to my next. I know this thread was confusing as I had mixed emotions. As Tayla said, shes my first love and I thought shes my last. We both wanted this to be our last awhile ago and suddenly things came crushing down on me. I actually feel pretty stupid now looking back at how I reacted as I'm normally a logical person and know what will make things worse and what wouldn't. But whenever I recall things, the first kiss, the first time we held hands on the bench while it was raining, walking in the rain with her feeling happy, and just how happy I am to look forward to seeing her the next day; I felt helpless. Even while typing this, I find it hard to forget. But I've woken up now and understand that no matter how much I hope for a second chance, theres nothing I can do but try and heal myself. As the dumpee, I regretted not treasuring her as much as I could but I will never ever regret having been in a relationship with her. And on the last time we met to talk about the break up, it was exactly the same setting as the first date we went on. Walking two hours with her to a park, I felt that it was romantic to end the same way it started . P.S Thanks for the wake up call Tayla , but damn it was harsh! Edited November 26, 2009 by EskimoPassingBy
mmk1 Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Eskimo, I did the same thing, regrettably. I told my ex we could not be friends, but then felt compelled to follow up with an email the next day to further explain my actions, which was just repetitive and a big mistake. Like me, however, I hope you learn from this mistake. Any emails now show that you are weak and still are letting her dictate your emotions and happiness. I've been NC for more than a month and it does get easier. In a way, my stupidity keeps me from repeating my mistake of the follow up email because I don't want to embarass myself any further. If this is the motivation you need, please keep it in mind and move on!
jaydumped Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 (edited) What your feeling is what they are feeling too even them as the dumper they have been thinking about this way before we even here the words 'i want to break up' If you go online there is a whole bunch of articles on what the dumpee and dumper have to do to get the other half to 'miss them' and yes thats right apparently both parties should do no contact. So what happens if both do no contact well then you go in life always questioning if the other party will call, its stupid and its the case of who calls first is the most needy. It doesnt have to be that way, from experience i have broken no contact at least 4 times, by either calling texting or emailing her, replying to a missed call. But i found when i did go into full on cold turkey no contact for 3 weeks i called her in an upbeat mode, had lots of new experiences to talk about and she seemed way more responsive and even thanked me for calling. We meetup and it was a failure, i am back into no contact but this time forever. Doing no contact is easy, breaking it constantly is emotionally draining. I found this link helpful in giving me insight into how women are told to handle a breakup to get there ex back. i think its good in a way as i saw alot of these traits in what my ex was doing to me, she even said that she would go online to read articles on how to go through a breakup as i was her real first one. Either that or they really are B#@tchy lol Even though the article is about the female being the dumpee, isnt it funny even though they dump the man in most cases, after we chase they manage to turn it around as if they are the dumpee or the victim 'what the?' i like point nubmer 5) get closer too there best friend....so harsh so harsh but classic...lol http://www.romanceclass.com/miscr/lovedtl/4952 Edited November 26, 2009 by jaydumped
Author EskimoPassingBy Posted November 26, 2009 Author Posted November 26, 2009 (edited) mmk1: Yeah point taken. Haha guess we both screwed up yeah? =). jaydumped: She wouldn't do anything like that as shes a person that acts on whatever comes in mind first. An analogy she gave regarding our break up is 'This is one of those things where I can't choose whether I want the shirt or the dress so I just chuck one of them on the counter without thinking'. And mind you, she told me straight up that she doesn't feel anything anymore DURING the trip. I guess she lost feelings as I was already paranoid while she was on the trip but I wouldn't get too much about that. Basically it was txt terrorism as I sent her a txt every few hours but she didn't bother replying. It made me paranoid as she said the 4 day trip will be a trial of how things go for the 2 months and that she will try to call me at night. Saying she will miss me blah blah, and yeah. Thats probably the point where her love went away which I asked her on the day of break up and she said 'I guess so'. Its hard when we contact each other non stop and suddenly it stops for 4 days. Tried to be positive but there were no replies. The mini arguments was just sugar coating as right before the trip she had said that 'I can't possibly break up with you if I love you.. but you obviously don't believe it... sigh' Thats why I remained hopeful that she might look back even more rather than just the negatives. Lol at the article though Edited November 26, 2009 by EskimoPassingBy
jaydumped Posted November 26, 2009 Posted November 26, 2009 Thats correct the point in mind is you should give her a break, do no contact for a few weeks, try 3 weeks minimum, too long and you might risk losing her. I have done this and even though at the time it seemed eternity looking back now it doesnt seem that long. My ex fell out of love for me as she started liking someone else, she ended up sleeping with a different guy that she didnt like and the guy we initially ended up breaking up over didnt evaporate, she wanted to get back with me and i couldnt see the fog i wanted to aswell but you cant change someone overnight and we were now tainted. She told me she was not crazy about me like she was before, you know the crazy las vegas love when you would ask this girl to marry you even after a few weeks of being with her. Trips change people my friend, people can get into their heads and eventually they will talk themselves into it, maybe the trip was spiritual, some people think that you may not be in there plans to reach there full potential why they are put on this earth, its just not the time. My exs best friends were the first ones to approve of me when the going was good but then were the first ones to set her up and tell her she can do better when the going got rough. Like your example, 4 days before my ex broke up with me she told me she loved me more than anyone and anything on this universe. People change at the drop of a hat, a dumpee take a long time but only time will make her see the positives out of the relationship. your going through maybe the begging phase, then you will hit the anger phase during this phase dont try to make your ex jealous or anything lousy like that, i tried it and may never get her back, but for now you have to stick to the no contact, tell her that 'you have things coming up and just dont need any distractions at the moment, and to not call you as you will call her when you are ready'.
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