too many bedroom rules!

[demrea]

i dont know what to do ... on one hand, i dont want to force my wife to do things she isnt comfortable with, but she is so frikking close minded!

 

- no BJ's, they are demeaning

- rather I didnt give her oral, she doesnt like me looking at "it"

- prefer to not have sex, except late at night

- if i do go down on her, no kissing!

- no body fluids! if she is dry, i cant wet my fingers with saliva. thats gross!

- dont talk about sex, unless its her telling me the rules

- please dont squeeze my nipples, no like! i can touch them a little though.

- no sex if anyone is in the house, or in anyone elses home.

 

its not like she doesnt enjoy sex and we do it a few times a week i guess. but im so bored and she has no imagination, everything is gross.

[whichwayisup]

Was she like this before you married?

 

Could be SHE isn't feeling good about herself. Either because she's depressed, or some issues from her past has come up. Or, her upbringing has taught her sex is dirty, self pleasure is wrong.. Talk to her, try to understand where her head is at.. Make sure she knows you love, respect and care for her deeply. That wanting to have sex with her, to please her, is intimate and special because she is your wife and it's a physical way to bond with her.

 

Romance her, make her feel special.

[demrea]

Was she like this before you married?

 

Could be SHE isn't feeling good about herself. Either because she's depressed, or some issues from her past has come up. Or, her upbringing has taught her sex is dirty, self pleasure is wrong.. Talk to her, try to understand where her head is at.. Make sure she knows you love, respect and care for her deeply. That wanting to have sex with her, to please her, is intimate and special because she is your wife and it's a physical way to bond with her.

 

Romance her, make her feel special.

 

 

sure, thats text book advice ... i guess i should have just said it was a vent as i dont see how things change. a person is who they are.

[reservoirdog1]

i dont know what to do ... on one hand, i dont want to force my wife to do things she isnt comfortable with, but she is so frikking close minded!

 

- no BJ's, they are demeaning

- rather I didnt give her oral, she doesnt like me looking at "it"

- prefer to not have sex, except late at night

- if i do go down on her, no kissing!

- no body fluids! if she is dry, i cant wet my fingers with saliva. thats gross!

- dont talk about sex, unless its her telling me the rules

- please dont squeeze my nipples, no like! i can touch them a little though.

- no sex if anyone is in the house, or in anyone elses home.

 

its not like she doesnt enjoy sex and we do it a few times a week i guess. but im so bored and she has no imagination, everything is gross.

 

Does she ever initiate sex? I ask because from your description, it sounds like she doesn't enjoy it much, or might just be doing it because you want to.

[demrea]

Does she ever initiate sex? I ask because from your description, it sounds like she doesn't enjoy it much, or might just be doing it because you want to.

 

yup she initiates it .. a few times a month ... i dont doubt she has just done the good wife duty on more than a few occasions ... i hate that too.

 

she is no prude, she just has her boundries and i just feel that she is too close minded to open herself up (so to speak).

 

very disapointing really.

[whichwayisup]

Tell be completely honest with her and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you hope to have a fun sex life, and how things are isn't fair to you. Ask her if she does have issues about sex, hangup's etc, then she should go talk to somebody to sort it out.

 

Mercy sex sucks, everyone knows that..

[Blackfrost]

Are you married to her? and if so, did you not kearn these rules before you got married? If you knew all this going in, then thinking things would be different is probably not very rational.

[65tr6]

Was she like this before you married?

 

 

OP, you have not answered WWIU's question. Not that it makes a big difference (but it does help in understanding issues) because people do change..esp women after marriage and/or kids (i know i will get beat up pretty bad for saying this..lol). My wife is probably following very closely in your wife's footsteps (but our situation is totally different)

 

Try connecting with your wife. What are her top emotional needs ? How is the married life otherwise ? Do you have kids ? Does she enjoy having sex with you or does she see it as a chore ? Ask her one thing she would like you to change.

 

Did she perform any of the functions you want from her in the past ? And like others said be very honest with your wife about how you feel.

Edited November 23, 2009 by 65tr6

[hopeful1980]

This woman sounds like she needs a good dose of Tequilla.

[Minnie09]

This woman sounds like she needs a good dose of Tequilla.

 

Haha. Totally agree.

[demrea]

This woman sounds like she needs a good dose of Tequilla.

 

she likes Tequilla ... it doesnt really help though. she likes to party and is no prude. all our friends think she is a fire cracker and other than all the rules, she really is as cool lady. not jealous, not over bearing, doesnt mind porn or strippers (in moderation), has sex toys. its frustrating, i told her i wish she was as sexy with me behind closed doors as she acts in public. that just adds to her pressure i am told.

 

OP, you have not answered WWIU's question. Not that it makes a big difference (but it does help in understanding issues) because people do change..esp women after marriage and/or kids (i know i will get beat up pretty bad for saying this..lol). My wife is probably following very closely in your wife's footsteps (but our situation is totally different)

 

Try connecting with your wife. What are her top emotional needs ? How is the married life otherwise ? Do you have kids ? Does she enjoy having sex with you or does she see it as a chore ? Ask her one thing she would like you to change.

 

Did she perform any of the functions you want from her in the past ? And like others said be very honest with your wife about how you feel.

 

no she didnt really do any of this before we were married. id say our married life is pretty good, not perfect. id say sometimes she likes sex and sometimes its a chore. we do it i would guess about 50-60 times a year. its not the frequency that i care as much about the quality. boring.

 

Are you married to her? and if so, did you not kearn these rules before you got married? If you knew all this going in, then thinking things would be different is probably not very rational.

 

i didnt marry her for sex, i married her because i loved her and wanted to take the journey of life with her. i still do and cant imagine throwing it away over this. but its a big issue none the less.

 

Tell be completely honest with her and tell her how you feel. Tell her that you hope to have a fun sex life, and how things are isn't fair to you. Ask her if she does have issues about sex, hangup's etc, then she should go talk to somebody to sort it out.

 

Mercy sex sucks, everyone knows that..

 

been there, done that. just adds to the pressure she says she feels. i am damned if i talk about it, damned if i dont. when i told her it makes me feel like i dont satisfy her, it made things worse. my thinking is if she got nailed good, she would want to do it again and again. since she has all these rules, i guess its not been that good for her? its stupid logic, but what can i say.

 

i dont know what really more i can do about it other then vent. wish there was a magic potion i could give her.

[NowhereToHide]

Man, this is such a bummer. I can't even imagine being this limited in my sexual expression. To me it sounds like she either has a major confidence problem or is a huge control freak.

 

I am pretty adventurous in bed, my H isn't so much. In the beginning of our relationship, I would get frustrated that he wouldn't do certain things. So my solution was to dedicate a month to ONE thing. So, for example, if your wife doesn't like you going down on her, you both have to agree to do it WITHOUT COMPLAINT for one full month. When my H and I did this, I was happy because I knew he was at least going outside his comfort zone. He was happy because he knew that if he didn't end up really enjoying it, he wouldn't have to do it as much after the month was over.

 

I have to say it worked like a charm. In fact, every single thing we dedicated a month to we now incorporate regularly. It might be a way to get her out of her comfort zone.

[demrea]

Man, this is such a bummer. I can't even imagine being this limited in my sexual expression. To me it sounds like she either has a major confidence problem or is a huge control freak. .

 

both, no question!

 

I am pretty adventurous in bed, my H isn't so much. In the beginning of our relationship, I would get frustrated that he wouldn't do certain things. So my solution was to dedicate a month to ONE thing. So, for example, if your wife doesn't like you going down on her, you both have to agree to do it WITHOUT COMPLAINT for one full month. When my H and I did this, I was happy because I knew he was at least going outside his comfort zone. He was happy because he knew that if he didn't end up really enjoying it, he wouldn't have to do it as much after the month was over.

 

I have to say it worked like a charm. In fact, every single thing we dedicated a month to we now incorporate regularly. It might be a way to get her out of her comfort zone.

 

sounds good ... wish i could say it would work ... she has her mind made up.

 

for example ... putting a penis in her mouth is not only disgusting, its degrading!

 

she wont even call it a cock .. and i hate the word penis, feels like i am talking to my mother about body parts. and when i tell her that, she just claims i am juvenile.

 

ugh, thanks all the comments though ... in fact keep em coming.

[Blackfrost]

both, no question!

 

 

 

sounds good ... wish i could say it would work ... she has her mind made up.

 

for example ... putting a penis in her mouth is not only disgusting, its degrading!

 

she wont even call it a cock .. and i hate the word penis, feels like i am talking to my mother about body parts. and when i tell her that, she just claims i am juvenile.

 

ugh, thanks all the comments though ... in fact keep em coming.

 

I'm not sure how much more can be said. If she's unwilling to change, you might have to accept the fact that this is the woman you have chosen to go through life with, and make your peace with it.

[demrea]

I'm not sure how much more can be said. If she's unwilling to change, you might have to accept the fact that this is the woman you have chosen to go through life with, and make your peace with it.

 

pretty much ... but it felt better to get it out ... never really told anyone that stuff before.

 

i could list more rules, but i wont.

[ADF]

Oh.My.God.

 

Your wife is horribly sexually repressed, and it is making you miserable. You are not the one with a problem, she is. Enough with this business of not forcing her to do what she doesn't want to. You're not asking for S&M or threesomes or anything wild. She is refusing to show basic sexual affection.

 

She needs to admit her problem and get into some kind of therapy asap. If she doesn't I cannot see how much longer you can hold on to this marrige. I am stunned.