Taucher Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 ...and it took being dumped by her for this to happen! Anyone else notice the irony in this? I was never in the best shape, physically. Now I am (nearly). I am now doing things which I always said I would do but never got round to, things I used to talk about all the time, which used to frustrate my ex I think. I am doing all the positive things that people on LS say you should do only if I had done all this earlier, she might not have left me. I am motivated, independant and confident. Wish I could have started earlier, when she was still mad about me. Now she will never get to see the new, better me. But if we got back together, would I lapse into my old habits? It's so confusing. Isnt it annoying when it happens and it is too late. It's almost as if being in love and in a relationship stops us from reaching or potential. If I have a relationship in the future, will I be able to get the balance right? T
USMCHokie Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 T, You know that every relationship we're in is meant to help make our lives a little better and improve ourselves...whether it's personal growth, or learning something that you don't want in a future relationship, or getting in better shape and dropping old bad habits...so if it took getting dumped by her, then that's what it took... I believe that everything happens for a reason and it happens the way it was supposed to happen...so there's nothing you can do to change the past... And yes, I believe you will find balance in your future relationships...because after this one, you identified the importance of balancing your relationship with your own needs...and you'll have a much more fulfilling relationship...
name witheld Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 only if I had done all this earlier, she might not have left me I hear you. mine said if things had changed a few months before the end it would have been different. But guess what - thats probably not the only reason for the breakup. So these changes we make do not matter. But if we got back together, would I lapse into my old habits? Possibly, depends on the reasons you have ditched the old habits and how badly you want to remain without them. Personally I hope so as I have done the same. Now she will never get to see the new, better me. Well thats the killer, but this isn't for her. Its for YOU!! Anyways she may just think its change brought about by panic and you'd go back to your old ways (this is my case) or as I said initially, you may have missed the main reason and it makes no difference. (this might be my case) One thing I want to add is that if somebody loves you then surely they can put up with your annoying habits (we all have them) just like you put up with hers. They should not try to change you, although they can ask for you to behave in a different way. Unfortunately they think you are a mind reader so might not ask! I dunno about you but I think the bad things I did just added up over time and she probably thought why should I put up with this when [insert main reason]?
JaggedRoad Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I think when we fall in love, we stop trying to pursue other things that would originally attract potential mates. We try to settle down and just let life pass on by so enjoy what we can; we become lethargic. What's the point of doing more if we already have what we need? We become ignorant of the one truth in life: nothing is permanent. We take what we have for granted; and when it leaves us, we panic and struggle to find a reason to live again. I was aware of this when I was still in a relationship with my ex, but I never got around to do anything proactively. If it wasn't school, then it was work. And when I had free time to myself, I would just slack off. Even though I was frequently stepping on egg shells, I somehow failed to believe that she would leave me. You will be whole again, but take this time to enjoy life. I'm not sure if you ever read anything by Shel Silverstein, but I recommend getting a copy of A Missing Piece. It's a children's book, but it'll make you slap yourself on the forehead when you get to the last page.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I know what you mean! I didn't get the balance right so he left, but I have now, or getting there anyway, there were things I needed to do to sort myself and my life out and it took him leaving for me to do that, just seems sad he's gone now I've finally changed those things. It's too late. I think we can become lazy in relationships and take things for granted and not make effort with things sometimes. I feel I will have the balance right now if I have another relationship. ...and it took being dumped by her for this to happen! Anyone else notice the irony in this? I was never in the best shape, physically. Now I am (nearly). I am now doing things which I always said I would do but never got round to, things I used to talk about all the time, which used to frustrate my ex I think. I am doing all the positive things that people on LS say you should do only if I had done all this earlier, she might not have left me. I am motivated, independant and confident. Wish I could have started earlier, when she was still mad about me. Now she will never get to see the new, better me. But if we got back together, would I lapse into my old habits? It's so confusing. Isnt it annoying when it happens and it is too late. It's almost as if being in love and in a relationship stops us from reaching or potential. If I have a relationship in the future, will I be able to get the balance right? T
name witheld Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Well it takes two to get the balance right. You can only do this by communicating honestly and openly, having no fear of letting go. Unfortunately I realised this too late (ie after we broke up) but I will add this to my next relationship (or dare I say it - if we reconcile) Irony for me is she tried to talk about it, but either it did not come across right or it wasn't the right time etc. We did not have proper communication - hence relationship fails.
HeavenOrHell Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Snap! I could have written this! Plus I didn't take him seriously enough when he tried to tell me. Well it takes two to get the balance right. You can only do this by communicating honestly and openly, having no fear of letting go. Unfortunately I realised this too late (ie after we broke up) but I will add this to my next relationship (or dare I say it - if we reconcile) Irony for me is she tried to talk about it, but either it did not come across right or it wasn't the right time etc. We did not have proper communication - hence relationship fails.
name witheld Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Well just as there was a reason I didn't, there is a reason you didn't too. But this might not be why they left. I genuinely believe if there is no other reason then they would put up with the build up of little things, or at least (knowing your background HoH) be willing to reconcile when it does come to a head. We just have to accept that, whatever the other reason may be. (someone else, commitment, insecurity, feeling gone etc)
ditched Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 the exact same thing happened to me. I'm eating better, exercising, stopped drinking, maintaining a positive attitude, and staying active and not just sitting around playing video games. ALL things that i know she had issues with. I did most of it so that, perhaps by some sort of cosmic awareness, she would sense my improvements and come back to me. but no such luck. At the end of the day tho, i turned a negative into a positive, and turned the pain of the relationship into a better me for the next person i meet... or something like that. see, that was the most positive thing i've said all week.
nobmagnet Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 dont completely blame your self for what you consider failings. My ex drip fed me unpleasant things and found fault with everything I did. It was not until he left me that I realised he CAUSED my low self esteam and lack of drive. Now he has gone although I am frighted I can see that i will back to the person I was before he cruley took it away. Enjoy the "back" to your former self you probably played computer games as escaping the life you had? x
ditched Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Enjoy the "back" to your former self you probably played computer games as escaping the life you had? x hmmmmmmmmmmm. i never thought of it like that!
JadedHeart Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Wow it's been 8 months and I just had a horrible relapse. I've been thinking the exact same thing on this thread. If I were the person I am now 8 months ago she would've never left. Relatively it sucks, but absolutely it's wonderful. I think we've all become much better people, and we should be thankful for our ex to have been the catalyst for our transformation into better people. Even though I always say I'm over her and never want to think about her, for some reason she still plagues my mind everyday. The thing is I don't want or like to feel this way either, so don't take it as me just moping around. But now when I look at myself in the mirror, I see a whole new better me. It's so bittersweet it's almost unbearable. No turning back, I'm gonna get on my ducati 848 pearl white and hit the twisties, life is too short for us to be mpoing around!!!!! get out there and live!
Ronni_W Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Isnt it annoying when it happens and it is too late.Hey T. I don't know if it is "annoying" or just plain sad. In my marriage/divorce, I was your ex -- it hurts being on that side, too, cos it just looks too much like we (me, your ex) weren't worth the bother of even trying to reach (his, your) potential. If I have a relationship in the future, will I be able to get the balance right?Maybe it's not so much about getting the balance "right", as just putting in the effort to at least try to be more of what we can be...and less complacent and "relationship lazy"? Hugs, R
Odyssey Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Everyone's the same OP... life is a 'work in progress'... we're still learning. But we improve with every obstacle we come across. Yes, often it's too late. I have plenty of regrets also. The way i see it, the pain of regret gives us insight and that insight gives us the strength to be honest with ourselves (as you call it, 'potential'). All you can really do, is do your absolute best and never get complacent - not just in relationships.
lostmirthfulness Posted November 29, 2009 Posted November 29, 2009 Sorry to sound harsh people, but wake up!!! Its good people are doing things to improve their life. If the previous ex had certain issues then taking the right steps to remove those issues is a great thing to do. Only realize that the ex most likely used those issues as excuses. If the problems were simple self-improvement issues, and the ex's left as opposed to finding a way to motivate while in the relationship, then the relationship was doomed no matter what we did or didn't do. I am a classic in a sence. I beleive that an partner should stand by no matter what happens. An ideal partner will help us to grow, won't leave us because they have issues. The issue in the relationship after they leave is the fact that they didn't value us enough to stay. Simple as that.
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