medusas Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 (edited) Not my first time posting here, but new username as I forgot my password. I'm gonna try and keep this brief. Dated a man for 3 months about 2 years ago. He's 41, I'm 35. He did some really stupid stuff, blamed it on the fact that the ex he had recently broken up with had really damaged him. I told him I didn't want to be the rebound girl. When I tried to confront him about his lame behaviour he became uncommunicative. No contact this whole time except once, briefly, which ended badly. I needed a face to face apology, he didn't get that a text message wasn't sufficient, he got mad and defensive. No more contact after that. I really hated him this whole time for hurting me. Ran in to him a couple months ago. He came up to me, started talking to me, apologized, listed all the ways in which he had improved his situation, did his best to be accountable to me for his actions, and not make excuses for his behaviour. He said it took him a while to realize that I needed him to say he was sorry face to face, and that a text apology was not sufficient. Said if we hadn't run into each other he would've called to meet me, blah blah blah. Ok, great. We reconnected. I was very hesitant at first, he knew I was terrified and had trust issues with him. Said he was going to strive to convince me that he was sincere in his affection for me. I made it clear that words mean very little to me in the end, he agreed he could've been more upfront with me about where he was emotionally 2 years ago. He kept talking about wanting to hang out, had a hard time to actually get him to do that at first. About a month later I felt better about things after we hung out a few times. He certainly acted and talked like he was serious about me, wanted me to feel safe. He remembered every little detail of the things we said and did the whole time we dated 2 years ago, constantly told me how great he thought I was. Why would he pursue me a 2nd time if he didn't really care, after all? We saw each other about once every week or week and a half. I began to let my guard down a tiny bit, even though deep down I still wasn't quite totally sure, but wanted to give him a chance. After all, if I really cared about this guy, I couldn't continue to be stand-offish forever. As soon as began to let my guard down, he started pulling away. I noticed this, tried to mirror him by not pursuing him. This drove me a bit crazy after a bit, I started to feel the same weirdness I felt the last time I dated him, so eventually I decided I needed to figure out what was going on. I said I wanted to be his girlfriend. It came about from a joke, not because I was all serious and like "we need to talk" or anything. He gave me the whole "I've been pensive and unsure lately, I don't know how I feel about anything. Can we keep doing what we've been doing and we'll see?" I said I cared about him but at this point I deserved someone who knows they want to be with me. This made him sad. I guess. "I don't seem to be much good for anything lately." Okay. I wish I would have left it at that, and just given him time to realize what an idiot he is. 2 hours later he texts me, asked me if I still thought he was cool, looking to make sure I didn't think he was an ******* again. I said, "of course I do." Next day after some thought, I got pissy that his number #1 concern was whether I still thought he was cool or not. I told him, in as non-attacky way as possible, that I felt he was taking advantage of my kindness to feel better about himself, as this is how I felt about what he did to me last time. I reminded him I had certain insecurities with regards to him because of our history, and asked him to please consider my side of things. I made a very conscious effort not to attack or blame, talking about how I felt about the situation rather than concentrating on what he's done or his faults. Told him I've done my best to understand where he's coming from, I just want the same from him, that I was trying to be open and honest and to communicate. He got defensive, said "You go into attack mode" and became totally uncommunicative after that. This was 2 days ago, haven't heard from him. We had been in contact every day before this. Of course, I really would like to contact him to settle this in an adult way, but I know it wouldn't do any good. I've not had sex with him since we got back together. So... I would appreciate input on this situation. Or if you think I pushed him away for good by letting him know my feelings and my insecurities. Thanks. Edited November 22, 2009 by medusas
name witheld Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I've not had sex with him since we got back together. There's your reason. Shallow as it is he probably is losing interest because of lack of physical side. I doubt this is a good sign. Best bet is to talk to him and ask him why he is being distant again, but it looks like you have tried that. Obviously he does not want relationship and your instinct has given you doubts. I would not blame yourself as he has proven now that he has not changed, worked on his situation blah blah blah. Sounds like he told you what you wanted to hear so he could get what he wants. He didn't get that and look what happens.
Author medusas Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Hmmm....thank you, but I'm pretty sure that is not correct. I made it perfectly clear I wasn't going to have sex with him for a very long time from the start. He agreed it was the best thing, was very respectful of this, understood I needed to trust him first. Also, he is on anti-depressants which have completely killed his sex drive. So it definitely was NOT about sex.
name witheld Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Ok, sorry did not know that. Something within him though.
Author medusas Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 I suppose I should mention he was a drug addict for a good part of a decade but has been completely sober for 9 years, still goes to meetings. Probably a bit emotionally stunted, doesn't know what a healthy relationship is. And I have pre-existing abandonment issues. At first I thought he was annoyed with me for being all "talky", and maybe he is, but I put myself in his shoes I have realized he probably knows I am right to have the feelings I do and feels bad. Any more insight/advice would be very much appreciated!
Author medusas Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 anyone? Man, my feelings are oscillating like crazy. Currently I'm thinking he found someone else (boy if that's true, that was quick and easy, eh?) or JUST NEVER CARED. And that I was just manipulated. Or he was having some problems with some other girl he was dating before we started hanging out again. "Oh look, she's back! Time to dump the in-between girl!" I really want to tell him right now that he's a total a-hole. How dare he make me feel this way again.
Girlygirl1977 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 You should go total NC with this guy. He sounds like he is a real piece of work and I am sorry you went in for a second try. He is very manipulative and the relationship seems toxic to me. The right person will bring out the best in you - not the worst or paranoia. This is his communication style and the pattern between the two of you. I think for your sanity and health, you should get away to avoid more torture. At his age, it is very difficult to reform and he also has seen a pattern of you bending backwards for him. I don't see this as a healthy relationship in any way. I'm sorrry.
CaliGuy Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 He wanted sex, I believe. Exes are exes for a reason. Drive forward, not backwards -- and leave your past behind.
Author medusas Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Caliguy, please see posts #2 and #3 above. I do not understand how this could be about sex.
Author medusas Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 UPDATE Just received a text from him. "I wish we could be friends and not have it be weird and stuff" First reaction: YAY! Second reaction: PISSED OFF. Why? Because: 1. This is still all about him. 2. The VERY last thing I said to him was that I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS BY TEXT ANYMORE. I made this very clear. I'm thinking I should ignore this, but I wanted to post here before I went crazy and changed my mind and responded.
VictoryisMine Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 You should go total NC with this guy. He sounds like he is a real piece of work and I am sorry you went in for a second try. He is very manipulative and the relationship seems toxic to me. The right person will bring out the best in you - not the worst or paranoia. This is his communication style and the pattern between the two of you. I think for your sanity and health, you should get away to avoid more torture. At his age, it is very difficult to reform and he also has seen a pattern of you bending backwards for him. I don't see this as a healthy relationship in any way. I'm sorrry. Medusas, Girlygirl is spot on. Research Paranoid disorder, or other mental disorders that orbit around this particular one. You will be amazed, and your mind will be at ease.
almostpassedit Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 why are you talking to this particular person if you have no interest of being intimate with him? go back to NC and keep moving forward. ex's are ex's for a reason. drive forward, not backward
Author medusas Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Um... because intimacy requires trust?
j_cali_man Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 And intimacy is also the way you two communicate with each other. Boundaries. You set one (no texting on heart to heart stuff) and it was ignored. Has to be a repercussion if a boundary is broken or no sense in setting one.. Stay strong, J
Author medusas Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 Good point on the intimacy/communication insight. Thank you. The guy doesn't get it. I'm not responding, and I barely even feel a desire to.
CaliGuy Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 UPDATE Just received a text from him. "I wish we could be friends and not have it be weird and stuff" First reaction: YAY! Second reaction: PISSED OFF. Why? Because: 1. This is still all about him. 2. The VERY last thing I said to him was that I DID NOT WANT TO HAVE THESE CONVERSATIONS BY TEXT ANYMORE. I made this very clear. I'm thinking I should ignore this, but I wanted to post here before I went crazy and changed my mind and responded. That's his way of getting his needs met at the expense of yours. Don't fall for it. There's nothing he can give you as a friend that you can not get NOW from your REAL friends. Move on. Nothing to see here
Author medusas Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 Feeling weak right now, heart softening. I have not replied to him, don't plan to if I can help it. Wondering what is going through his head. Not that I should be concerned, but I can't help it; what do you think he is thinking? Not sure which is more likely, either "hmmm....crap, what happened?" or "eh I guess she doesn't want to talk to me, fine" or "she's playing games and this is lame." I'm not playing games, I just know that I cannot take any action because clearly I'm still confused about what I think. But I am determined to stand by my boundaries, and I no longer feel like I did anything wrong. Thoughts?
Author medusas Posted November 25, 2009 Author Posted November 25, 2009 (edited) Hmmm. I've been much too nice to this guy; I think I need to draw a much harder line. I'm thinking about sending the following message, but I would like some feedback before I do so. And who knows, I'll probably change my mind in an hour. "J__ , listen. If you want to be in my life, do not text me. This is the 4th and last time I will say this. All subsequent messages will be unread and deleted. I do not want a a penpal. You may call if you like, or talk to me in person." How would you feel if you received this message? Is this drawing him too much of a map? EDIT: On second thought, maybe it's best if I said nothing. Silence says volumes, and if he's listening, he'll hear it. I've never before not responded to a message from him. Edited November 25, 2009 by medusas
Girlygirl1977 Posted November 25, 2009 Posted November 25, 2009 I honestly feel you should not respond at all. This story bothers me for a few reason - one of which is that you only dated for 3 months the first time and he has had this much of an effect on you despite that. This time around it seems kind of a fiasco again and you are still not leaving the situation. Given both of your ages and I hope experience, this doesn't pass the smell test. When a man makes your brain go topsy turvy this early and isn't treating you as you asked or wished, get out. These are the early days and this is what you are dealing with?!
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