Do I have a second chance?

[squishy]

Here it goes, my boyfriend broke up with me a little over a month ago. We were together for about 2 years, and living together for 1 1/2. (I'm 22, he's 25). Our relationship was so wonderful and full of excitement and love, I got a job requiring me to work night shifts for a four months and not being able to see him until weekends. I think it was the catalyst of our breakup, but I can't put my finger on anything I specifically did to cause it. We had some fun during those months, went on camping trips, played volleyball with friends, had some get togethers etc. but the time apart without much intimacy may have affected him.

 

We were very much in love, which is why it confuses me so much. I knew he loved me, we talked about having kids and sometimes marriage. I felt like we were going to get married some day, our relationship was so great and we never fought, it was so easy and I wanted that for the rest of my life. I tried not to force it on him b/c he didn't like the idea of marriage, it's just that sometimes he was open and talked about it with me a few times, and I took that as opening up to the idea. He asked me if I wanted an indoor or outdoor wedding, he told me that we would have to write our own vows, he told me how he wanted to be a stay at home dad at the beginning when we have a baby, how he would raise our kids etc. He asked me never to leave him, things seemed to be going great...

 

Then, on the drive home from a trip he started breathing heavily and his palms got sweaty. He told me we needed to talk, so I listened. He told me some things that were bothering him about me. He said he wishes that I drank more, that I smoked (marijuana), that I listened to loud music like the stuff he likes and that I go to shows with him. There might of been a few more things but I forget, needless to say it was completely out of the blue and I was shocked and upset so I didn't say anything the whole drive home. These things he was saying were things he once admired about me before, I have direction in life and I'm going to school and getting a degree. He knows that I'm not that kind of party girl, and he said he liked that about me before. When we got home I was silent for a while, then we went to the bedroom and he hugged me and said he loved me and that he wasn't going to leave me. I cried, for the first time in front of him. I cried a lot, I felt like things were falling apart and he hurt me. We laid in bed for a while and I cried and he said sorry, then eventually continued on.

 

I thought things were getting better, then he sprung it on me again. We were at home and he needed to talk to me again. He said things like, I'm too clean, he doesn't feel like he lives here all the stuff is mine, I'm a negative person, we don't have the same interests etc. He said he needed a break, and that he wanted to go to his parents for a month. I broke down and asked him not to leave me, he walked out the door. So I called him, asked him to come back and talk to me. He came back an hour later after hanging out with his friend. I asked him if we could work on things together and that he stay and he agreed. After that, we didn't really talk about things. I was trying to make it better through actions, making it seem more like it was his space too, we were discussing getting a bigger apartment and we asked the landlord to get us on the list for one, but we didn't talk about the problems enough.

 

Then the day came when he broke up with me a few weeks later. He literally packed a bag when I was sleeping, told me when I was up in the morning and walked out the door. I couldn't get him to come back. I panicked and packed his stuff that night, he had changed his profile on facebook to single! I was so angry he was being so hurtful. He came and got his stuff the next night. I showed up right before he was leaving and he said 'I'm not doing this to hurt you'. He said he needed a few days space and that he would give me the chance to talk on tuesday. I left, I went to my parents house and ran away. On tuesday he messaged me and I told him where I was, and he needed to talk to me so he phoned. We talked for 45 minutes, he broke down on the phone and listed off some more things he didn't like about me, too clean, complain too much, helped him with his homework once which means I don't believe in him, I don't like swimming, I don't love myself, just ridiculous things...I explained myself, said sorry for doing things that I didn't mean to. He said that he didn't really want to break up with me, he just needs a break, He said he needed time to himself and I need to work on myself too.

 

I could have been smarter about it and left him alone, but I wasn't. I feel like I've messed up big time. I tried to give him space, but it was tearing me apart. A few days later I asked him to meet up with me, he agreed. On that day he turned his phone off and ignored me. The next day he apologized, he said he was scared to see me and his emotions were still raw, and we met up in a park. I got him to open up a bit more but still the same, the same stupid things but more of them. He said he didn't think I was over my ex (really, I have a restraining order), he said I didn't accept the bi side of him, I didn't support him, he feels he was my only friend etc. All these excuses. I defended myself again and he took some of the things back. I hugged him a few times, he said we should stop b/c he was going to cry. At the end he gave me a kiss and we said goodbye and made plans for the next week.

 

I freaked out later, sent him tons of messages. I got too emotional and he ignored me. I sent an email apologizing for my behaviour after that and told him the progress I was making. I tried to leave it at that but I had to call him a few days later to get the vehicle he was borrowing, finally got him on the phone and sorted it out. Then said he liked my email, and it helped him think about things so...I asked if I could call him later that week and he said yes. When the day came he ignored me again, then apologized later and said he was sick and he needed a few days.

 

So I waited a week and nothing.

 

After that week it had been a total of 3 weeks since. So I sent him a message saying we should at least be friends, I needed to give him back some stuff and we should meet up for coffee later. He agreed and we set a day. That day was nice, we walked and talked for two hours and had some laughs. I never mentioned the relationship we just caught up, I was excited about new things in my life but he said that nothing was really going on with him. He was going to leave but I got him to come back and pick up some things of his. We set a day where he could get the rest and at the end we had a really long hug and a goodbye.

 

Later I had some things to do so I sent him a message saying I couldn't meet up later since I was busy and we should reschedule. He said we could meet up whenever. I said happy birthday to him and left for the weekend. On the weekend I asked him if he wanted to go to this show with me and he didn't respond. I asked again on tuesday if he got my message, he said he didn't want to go when my friend was there. I tried to keep him communicating and setting something else up, but then he stopped responding eventually. Then I kinda freaked out and sent an emotional message. The response I got was that 'hurting me was hurting him really bad. He still wants me in his life, but what roles we play we'll figure out together with communication and giving eachother space. He cares about me alot'. I was okay with that response for a few days, but it just confused me too much.

 

Bringing me today, I messed up completely yet again. He said he would meet up with me this weekend and show me his new place. I called him on friday evening and he ignored my call. I sent him tons of messages the other night saying that I couldn't wait around for him anymore, he needs to make a decision and I can't be his friend etc. etc. He didn't respond. The next day I wrote an apology email but he hasn't read it yet. I'm just sitting here, in my misery. I feel like there were so many things I could've avoided but I let my emotions get the best of me. I love him so much and it hurts so bad, it's been over a month and I still can't get over it. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. The thing is, I know where he is living right now and I can walk over there to see him but I don't know if that will make it worse. I want him to finally face up to it, he's been avoiding and avoiding. I don't know what he's thinking about. I've read some stuff on men in relationships, and how sometimes they go into a 'cave' and you should leave them alone until they come out, but I feel like he should have figured it out by now. I can't move on because I don't want to give up on us and because I'm still in love with him. I can't stop crying, I don't know what to do...

 

Part of me want to walk over there right now, spill my guts on the floor and ask him for another chance. The other part of me wants to leave him alone and not to contact him and wait for him to come back to me. He seems different then other guys, so I can't figure out which is best.

[squishy]

Sorry this was too long :S

 

I should add that he hasn't had a serious relationship like this before, no more than a few months. He's had some past drug problems before I met him that he fixed on his own. He's in school now so there's the added stress of that in his life. I haven't had much in the way of serious relationships, besides one that lasted for a year (the previous ex) and he was abusive to me so I ended that. He's told me in one of the first talks that he was scared...so I don't know if this is a commitment issue or not. The fact that he ran away with no reason, and we had no fights or anything implies that. But he also held his feelings from me and never talked.