Author foreal Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 forreal..as a wh i am sorry for your pain.. when i first started reading this post i was going to tell you that you definetely should go to his office and you shouldnt worry about what others think,this should be about you... but then i read on and i see what happened,so i am writing to try and offer you some insight and maybe in some way help.. it sounds to me like your H was never really taking responsibility for his actions..when i confessed to my w i went full nc and i mean full nc, i got rid of anything and everything to do with the ow,i no longer wanted it,i wanted it to be gone...i never spoke to her again..period, if we had worked together then i would have switched jobs,i know you will say it may not be that easy to get a new job,he cant leave his job etc etc but if he could pull off an affair then he can go get a new job...he should have done this no questions asked, if he truly wants you and your marriage...its should have been a no brainer to remove himself from the situation and most of all he should have done this for you.. but to be honest i think your h was still carrying on his A with this woman,i dont beleive she was the xow,i think she is still the ow,there is no way that stuff would just be right there for you to find if they werent still very active..sounds to me like he is telling you all the right things but not really doing anything to change.. since i confessed to my w i have been transparent,i have been open,i have been accountable,i do this not because i have too but because i know that if i want my w and my marriage this is what needs to be done, i have disrespected my w for so long. you went with your gut and to be honest it surprises me it took you so long to go to his office but now at least you got your answer... i know it sucks and i feel for you, i know i am a wh but i know what your going through and its hurtful... good luck... Thanks NS7. yes, he should have quit or at least shown real effort to get another one. as for if the A is still going on- my gut says no, however, a little tug says maybe...that perhaps they've spoken or seen each other for 'closure' or 'pow wows' but I dont think they've gone back to sex- and now that my H knows she has herpes, not certain he would want to go there again...but who knows??!! thanks you for your post- t helps..these all help. THANK YOU
Author foreal Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Foreal, I know the emotional side of the discovery of an affair can be overwhelming and although I can see you are being very level headed about this, try to make some time to take some practical steps before the rollercoaster gets a chance to get going. I recommend you see someone new for IC rather than go back to the marriage counselor; I feel its far healthier to have someone completely impartial. I'd also recommend you see a divorce lawyer as soon as possible, even if you change your mind its good to know exactly what the score is and it will be good for your husband to know what you're doing. I do have an IC..she was not available and so I went to MC..who is awesome. we had a great session. I feel empowered for the first time since Dday. And yep, going to the atty (waiting for them to call back w/ appt time). I don't want to divorce, but if my H is unwilling or unable to man-up, then I don't want to be M to that kind of man....
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Foreal, just wanted to say how sorry I am. This just stinks!
whattodonow12 Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Hugs to you. I was also going to write that you should go to the office. I think that trusting your gut is the right thing to do. And, I do want to say that I don't buy it for a minute that he didn't know that the pics and the letter were still there. JMO Again, I am so sorry for your pain, and I hope you are able to heal and do what you feel is right for you.
datura_noir Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 For the life of me, I cannot understand why so many people dip their pen in the company ink. No wonder the economy is down the tubes. Is this what people do all day at work, have illicit affairs? For crying out loud, why can't people grow up and just go to work and be productive?!?! And keeping nudie pics of your AP??? Or worse, sending those pics within an office/work environment?? Am I the only one who thinks this is so high-schoolish??Not to mention potentially damning? Of course, no one at work could possibly know about the affair, eh?? Sure, sure they don't. Ok, rant over. I just get so mad hearing about these ill-fated office dramas.... Good for you for showing up there!
bentnotbroken Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 I have great respect for the people who try to make a new relationship after an A. That's why am all the more angry that you have been hurt again. I am sorry.
NoIDidn't Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Big Hugs, Foreal. I am so angry that things turned out this way. But I am so glad that the pain you already endured has produced some fruit, in that you are much calmer and empowered this time around. I totally respect the "I don't want a divorce, but can't stay married to him if he doesn't man up" stance. About the things in his drawer: I don't know that I will say that the A is over or not. My H had an EA with a co-worker. And on d-day, he SWORE it was over and contact was stopping. But when I drove his car, I found pictures of her and printouts of letters from her. I burned them. And then found out there was definitely more contact. Like your H is doing now, mine freaked out when he could no longer keep me in the dark. I promised him I wouldn't call her, but I had to to get the truth. You got your truth from a visit to his office. It was a very dark time for a while, but we did it. We built a stronger marriage with better communication. And I did exactly what Red Devil suggested. I took care of me and let him deal with his own mess at his job. He didn't want to do IC initially, but he did when he saw that I was preparing myself to be without him, even though I loved him very much. Then, we went to MC. I believe your H can man-up. I'm not holding my breath, but I believe he can. Keep your head up, foreal. ((((foreal))))
whichwayisup Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 He's probably in desparation mode-denial mode.. To man up, he HAS to come clean and own it all. Noone to blame but himself. He can't put it all on MW either..Even if she was the one doing more of the contacting, noone held a gun to his head telling him to continue his stupid/selfish behaviour. Hang in there and I'm glad you're feeling abit better.
Spark1111 Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Foreal, i just contacted the other woman yesterday, and it was one of the most empowering things I could have done! If you want to, do so. Realize what points you wish to make, and make them. Stay calm. I wish I had done that sooner. I really do.
Author foreal Posted November 30, 2009 Author Posted November 30, 2009 just an update.. MOW's H threw her out- she's in a hotel... first thing she did at work the next day was go see my H and boo hoo to him that i was crazy and now blackmailing her (I let her know I could wallpaper her office environemnt and neighborhood anytime with her topless photos, oh, and send the managing directors of her firm the pics along with the love letter to each of them- thanks for the idea Phoenix Rising!!)..... My H told her hey, Foreal will do what she wants and I support whatever that may be- then he tossed her out of his office.."but now I have to live with Foreal holding this over me, forever!!!" Lesson here: Don't give nudy pics to your MM unless you don't mind sharing them with the world. After my H tossed her, she sent us both a NC email- PERFECT!! Against all the advise, i kept my mouth shut and did not tell MOW's H. And at last I have. Now I know why the advise is TO TELL. sigh of relief...... I feel horrible for them though. He is in great pain and so is she. She lost her H, her 'soul mate' (that would be my H) and now she has the likes of me w/ damning photos of her in my possession. Moral of the story? Don't F with me.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Moral of the story? Don't F with me. Amen sista!!!:bunny::bunny: What goes around ALWAYS comes around. Not to bad for a "crazy lady"!
freestyle Posted November 30, 2009 Posted November 30, 2009 Hey Foreal.......... I'm so sorry about the recent developments, but I glad to see that you're coming from a position of strength. All the same just wanna send you a hug: ((((((((((((foreal))))))))))))
Lizzie60 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I might have missed something.. but how do you know for sure you don't have herpes.. you just found out (from what I read) about it. She's been thrown out by her H.. have you thrown your H out?
PhoenixRise Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Foreal Good for you if she thinks you are crazy. Glad that the H knows the truth. Glad she knows you have the Pic. AND glad you are coming out of this in a position of strength.
Author foreal Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 I might have missed something.. but how do you know for sure you don't have herpes.. you just found out (from what I read) about it. She's been thrown out by her H.. have you thrown your H out? Not sure about the herpes-did not get tested for that at the beg of this mess...my doc said she'd test me (and H) but that it may stress us out more if we find out....she said that if I did catch it, I may or may not ever have a symptom..that it could be 2 weeks or years before anything shows up....so at the time of the other tests i decided to not get tested for the herpes..but now...ugh, I will. And no, I have not thrown my H out. The defibrillator is still shocking the shyt outta him so we got that going for us...
Robin2000 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 wow! I think you have handled this great! empowerment is a wonderful thing.
bentnotbroken Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 :bunny::bunny::bunny:KUDOS:bunny::bunny::bunny:
Lizzie60 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Not sure about the herpes-did not get tested for that at the beg of this mess...my doc said she'd test me (and H) but that it may stress us out more if we find out....she said that if I did catch it, I may or may not ever have a symptom..that it could be 2 weeks or years before anything shows up....so at the time of the other tests i decided to not get tested for the herpes..but now...ugh, I will. And no, I have not thrown my H out. The defibrillator is still shocking the shyt outta him so we got that going for us... So.. from what I read.. it's OK for her to lose everything.. but your H is safe.. it's all the OW's fault... Good for you.. you got a winner.. until .... next debribillating session..
PhoenixRise Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 So.. from what I read.. it's OK for her to lose everything.. but your H is safe.. it's all the OW's fault... Good for you.. you got a winner.. until .... next debribillating session.. Why should the decision made by this serial cheating MOW's BS to throw his CS out of the marital home have ANYTHING AT ALL to do with Foreal's choices in how to deal with her CS. The only thing that has really changed is that MOW and her H NOW have to deal with the same information that Foreal and her H have been dealing with for months now. Foreal and this MOW's BS are different people.....thus....different reactions.
Lizzie60 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I know that.. but when I read threads like that.. I have the impression that the BS is teaming up with the CS against the OW... weird.. when I know that she (OW) didn't put a gun to his head... AND they're still around each other.. methink it's not even finished... but hey... most BS will gulp all the lies from CS... and 'protect' them from the 'bad' OtherP... I find it rather amusing tbh... Now this OW is now single... she can go after the WS... and she might even go around and tell everyone about their little 'escapades'... who cares now.. really.. she's already lost her H... could be rather embarassing for him.. don't you think..
eeyore1981 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Well, at least the mow is aware of the existance of the BS, which is more than can be said for the BS being aware of the mow while mow and cs were teaming up against her. It doesn't matter how you twist it, MOW or MOM did not have a gun to their head when they decided to sneak around and betray their respective spouses. So there ended up being consequences to their actions, that's life. If a person is not going to have respect for others, they shouldn't expect to be shown respect in return.
PhoenixRise Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 I know that.. but when I read threads like that.. I have the impression that the BS is teaming up with the CS against the OW... weird.. when I know that she (OW) didn't put a gun to his head... AND they're still around each other.. methink it's not even finished... but hey... most BS will gulp all the lies from CS... and 'protect' them from the 'bad' OtherP... I find it rather amusing tbh... Now this OW is now single... she can go after the WS... and she might even go around and tell everyone about their little 'escapades'... who cares now.. really.. she's already lost her H... could be rather embarassing for him.. don't you think.. I don't think Foreal is protecting her CS from anything....in fact based on her posts, I think Foreal has been giving her H Hell since she found out about the affair. AND also based on her posts I don't think she is gulping at any lies from her H and is instead trusting herself and her instincts in all situations.. AND you are right the OW can go after whomever she chooses although being single has nothing to do with it as being married and a "friend" of Foreal didn't stop her. So really her single status doesn't matter. As far as being embarrassed.....I don't know about Foreal's tolerance for public exposure (I think in this case the MOW would have more to lose since Foreal has her nudie pics) But I can say for myself OW can say whatever she wants....tell whatever storys she wants....wouldn't embarrass me in the least...in fact since OW's and CS are not seen in the best of lights..she would only be embarrassing herself and the CS. AND I am glad that you are amused Lizzie Maybe you think the serial cheating MOW should have been able to go back to her marriage with no fall out or consequences while Foreal would be the only one who suffered? That would be OK?
Author foreal Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 So.. from what I read.. it's OK for her to lose everything.. but your H is safe.. it's all the OW's fault... Good for you.. you got a winner.. until .... next debribillating session.. MOW hasn't lost EVERYTHING...she still has herpes.
turnstone Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 Which herpes is it, foreal? Have you decided to not get tested? Does she have anything else? Could she have anything else?
eeyore1981 Posted December 1, 2009 Posted December 1, 2009 MOW hasn't lost EVERYTHING...she still has herpes. :lmao::lmao::lmao: On a serious note, I really hope you don't have it now, too.
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