go to his work? OW input welcome

[foreal]

H works with xMOW. Same dept. Same floor.

 

I have been to his job before, just once, with our son when he was an infant (it was a family day where kids were invited), before the A.

 

My H's office is in a different place since then..I have no idea where MOW and H's offices are now, but he says they are seperated by at least 100 yards (it is a huge firm)...but I haven't seen it.

 

I know other spouses drop by, but it isn't something I was ever interested in before....but now.....??

 

I am not sure if anybody at his work knows about the A..he says no, that they were never seen together, always took seperate cars to meet etc, but I say people had to have known....

 

In any case, my shrink asked me why I haven't gone there yet.

 

I don't know why.

 

Would this look desperate? I feel self conscious..like everyone there will be saying behind my back , "oh look, Foreal's here to keep the leash tight on her H"...should I go?

 

I wonder what MOW will think? Plus, we were friends and people there know that- so it will be weird not talking to her.....plus...

 

I don't want to go b/c if I see her I am not sure I can control myself. I want to choke her out.

 

Any thoughts? Anyone gone to their SOs work after the A?

 

Any OW out there who had to see this happen? Did you think the W was an idiot for showing up? Did you feel weird?

 

Should I just stay away or go?

 

Thanks for any input.

[bentnotbroken]

What do you really want to do? Is it something your feel the need to do? If you think you need to, why care what the ow thinks? It is about evaluating what is good and necessary for you to recover.

[Minnie09]

Ask your shrink what he thinks would be the purpose of going there. I don't get it either. I also understand your concerns about being the jealous wife with the short leash etc.

In fact, something similar happened at my workplace years ago. I wasn't involved, but friends with the OW. The cheated-on girlfriend showed up to confront her and made a big scene. Very embarassing for everybody involved, and those who hadn't known abt the A knew then for sure.

I assume this is not your intention, but what happened was that the girl-friend's reputation after that incident was damaged and he could never bring her to any company-related family events. Everybody thought she was a crazy bitch. The OW acted cool and gained everybody's respect.

It's weird and it's unfair, but that's how people are.

[PhoenixRise]

Foreal

 

based on the questions you are asking (what would the coworkers think? would you feel self conscious? will I choke the OW?)

 

I think you need to go.

 

I wouldn't want any aspect of the affair to make me hesitate to do anything that I wanted to do. So if there is any fear or hesitation about going to the office where your H still works with the Xfriend/ xMOW then I say you should face it head on so you can overcome it.

 

So go and surprise your H and take him out to lunch.

 

If people in the office did know (and you are probably right that somebody did know) then when you show up looking like a million bucks, being classy and confident and happy....then only thing they will be thinking is that your H must be an jackass and an idiot to have risked losing you.

 

As for MOW....who the hell cares what she might thinks...she is the last person to judge you.

 

Don't confront her...don't even acknowledge her existence while at the office.....but if you catch her in a dark alley.......

[whichwayisup]

So go and surprise your H and take him out to lunch.

 

Yes. Do this and do it with CONFIDENCE. And as Phoenix has said, don't acknowledge her presence. What she thinks and feels doesn't matter..At all.

 

I do need to ask, why is your H still working with MOW?

[NoIDidn't]

I say go. There is absolutely nothing wrong with a spouse visiting their spouse at work.

 

My H worked with his exOW as well. Different buildings, though. His firm has four buildings in one business park. I went there all the time before, and I still do.

 

Everyone in her building knew, because she blabbed when he ended it to get sympathy. Didn't work out that way for her.

 

Everyone in his building knew, because it became office fodder. Sucked to be them. His assistant "kept an eye on things" for me, even though I never asked her to. Her reason, she really like me and our family and wanted to see things work out. You find allies in the strangest of places and of circumstances.

 

I can understand feeling conscious about them knowing or looking at you for going there, but it doesn't really matter. You wouldn't be doing anything anyone else in your position wouldn't do as well.

 

Hold your head up high. Go to hubby's job. Put a FACE to a role.

[foreal]

Yes. Do this and do it with CONFIDENCE. And as Phoenix has said, don't acknowledge her presence. What she thinks and feels doesn't matter..At all.

 

I do need to ask, why is your H still working with MOW?

 

Good question! He has made little effort to change jobs or even depts....my IC said I need to give him a deadline, or rather, tell him my 'boundaries'...while it is a tough job market, and finding a comparable position to what he has now would be difficult, TRYING is not difficult..he is slacking in this dept. I think he feels since he doesn't have much, if any, contact with her (so he says), it is not a big deal to him. He's seen her I think 3/4 times since Dday (back in April). He's told me each time. I do believe they are in NC, but still, they friggin work for the same company, same dept, same floor!!

 

thanks for the input..I will go.....I may go today while nobody is there..h is out of town and I have the key to get in...nobody will be there..I can look around...but I think there are sec cameras...but as long as i have a key and i am not damagiing anything??? I just want to see where his and her office is..I also want to go INTO his office and snoop..

 

Gawd..he is such and idiot for getting us into this mess.

 

thanks for the responces all!!

[foreal]

Ask your shrink what he thinks would be the purpose of going there. I don't get it either. I also understand your concerns about being the jealous wife with the short leash etc.

In fact, something similar happened at my workplace years ago. I wasn't involved, but friends with the OW. The cheated-on girlfriend showed up to confront her and made a big scene. Very embarassing for everybody involved, and those who hadn't known abt the A knew then for sure.

I assume this is not your intention, but what happened was that the girl-friend's reputation after that incident was damaged and he could never bring her to any company-related family events. Everybody thought she was a crazy bitch. The OW acted cool and gained everybody's respect.

It's weird and it's unfair, but that's how people are.

 

yea, i would never pull the crazy wife act at his work (I get that out at home ha ha!)....according to H, SHE went nuts after Dday and screamed at him at work and he said he was embarrassed, that she made a scene (and he STILL thinks nobody knows??! dumbass)

 

So when I go i will keep my shyt together.

 

I am going to surprise him...but I want to go there today on my own...

[hopeless4u]

H works with xMOW. Same dept. Same floor.

 

I have been to his job before, just once, with our son when he was an infant (it was a family day where kids were invited), before the A.

 

My H's office is in a different place since then..I have no idea where MOW and H's offices are now, but he says they are seperated by at least 100 yards (it is a huge firm)...but I haven't seen it.

 

I know other spouses drop by, but it isn't something I was ever interested in before....but now.....??

 

I am not sure if anybody at his work knows about the A..he says no, that they were never seen together, always took seperate cars to meet etc, but I say people had to have known....

 

In any case, my shrink asked me why I haven't gone there yet.

 

I don't know why.

 

Would this look desperate? I feel self conscious..like everyone there will be saying behind my back , "oh look, Foreal's here to keep the leash tight on her H"...should I go?

 

I wonder what MOW will think? Plus, we were friends and people there know that- so it will be weird not talking to her.....plus...

 

I don't want to go b/c if I see her I am not sure I can control myself. I want to choke her out.

 

Any thoughts? Anyone gone to their SOs work after the A?

 

Any OW out there who had to see this happen? Did you think the W was an idiot for showing up? Did you feel weird?

 

Should I just stay away or go?

 

Thanks for any input.

 

 

I work with my MM, its also a large office and he doesn't have to come to my office but makes excuses to work from there as often as possible.

Almost everyone knows about us, when people ask we just say 'its complicated' he is quite high level so most people wouldn't go into detail with him but some think he is separated and he is happy to let them think that.

I have never met his W and if she came to the office I think I would be sick with guilt!

If I was in your shoes though, I think I would have to go, maybe as closure of the A. When I was a BW(many yrs ago) I did confront the OW, if only to see how many lies my H had told, unfortunately he got there first and they had their stories straight but if you think you may loose your temper then maybe not such a good idea, if the one thing we all have in common is that we know emotions make us do stupid things that we end up regretting!!

Hope you can find something of my babbling that helps:)

[foreal]

I went to his work....nobody was there...got to his office....w/i 2 minutes found a love letter MOW wrote to him as well as some naked pics she'd sent him of herself...GAG

 

I called H and told him (he's out of town)...of course he says he 'forgot' the letter and pics were there..

 

I have asked him point blank, numerous times, if she'd sent any nudy pics or wrote love letters and he's denied all the way.....guess now he can't .

 

I am devastated.

 

He comes home tomorrow. he said the A is over, that he doesnt know why the pics and letter are still there blah blah blah.....that he loves me blah blah b;ah..

 

I hate him. It is over.

 

The lesson here though: go with your gut!

 

I KNEW there was something he was hiding...and this time instead of believing him, I trusted myself...and that feels good..I trusted myself.

 

So yea, maybe the A is over ( I feel it is) but that he kept these momentos tells me he had stronger feelings for her than he told me, that the A isn't all a 'horrible memory'....that he kept the lies going....

 

So gee, honey, you arent screwing her anymore, but every now and then you can look at her tits in your office where she is just down the hall from you.

 

Oh, and I called her home answering machine and read her love letter over the phone..should be a fun message to listen to for them...and then I emailed her H at his work, where I know he will get it I Apologized for the vm, and I was as gentle as I could be...I feel sorry for him)e..and I emailed her as well telling her if she contactd me or my H I will blast her titty pics and love letter and text messages to everyoone she knows.....damn that felt good.

 

I need a hug.

[whichwayisup]

Fact is, he never attempted to quit his job, or transfer somewhere else. How can you begin to fully trust him when he sees her everyday? HE must have known that sooner or later you would find out the truth.

 

What a fool he is! And her as well..

 

Sorry for the pain he's caused you and I do feel for MW's husband.. Hopefully she will leave you alone and not react.

[PhoenixRise]

((((Foreal)))))

 

I know you are in pain and I am so sorry this has happened.

 

You are right that the lesson here is to trust yourself more than you trust anyone else. You followed your gut...I wish for your sake that you had gotten a more favorable result.

 

Clearly your H has not understood that your need for complete honesty overrides his need to minimize the affair. And it is disturbing that he kept mementos.

 

AND if the OW calls you back or tries to retaliate in any way....follow through on your threat.

 

Personally I think you showed remarkable restraint. If I had been in your shoes, in the heat of the moment I would have wallpapered the whole office with that pic.

 

(((foreal))))

[eeyore1981]

(((((Forreal)))))

 

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this, yet again, I am so sorry some men are such *********s, I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling right now.

 

My heart is breaking for you right now. I wish there was something I could do for you.

[mybrowneyedgirl]

im not sure if anyone has said this, but to me it sort of screams that the affair might still be going on. not sure, but it should be considered.

 

with that being said im sorry that this happened. i wouldnt have expected it.

 

and as the xOW. i would have a problem with her coming to my work. only because i know she wouldnt come without his permission. and in my opinion if he grants that permission its playing a game and pitting us against each other while he sits in the middle and pulls on the puppet strings. it would obviously hurt me and i would feel like it was an attempt to build her up by parading their happy marriage around at my expense.

 

im not sure if i could keep my big mouth shut in that situation. it would be easy to (inappropriately) direct my anger and frustration towards them (or to her). i just think it might get ugly.

 

if theyre nc then they should be nc. that includes the bs not breaking contact by coming somewhere that she knows the xow will be.

[foreal]

((((Foreal)))))

 

I know you are in pain and I am so sorry this has happened.

 

You are right that the lesson here is to trust yourself more than you trust anyone else. You followed your gut...I wish for your sake that you had gotten a more favorable result.

 

Clearly your H has not understood that your need for complete honesty overrides his need to minimize the affair. And it is disturbing that he kept mementos.

 

AND if the OW calls you back or tries to retaliate in any way....follow through on your threat.

 

Personally I think you showed remarkable restraint. If I had been in your shoes, in the heat of the moment I would have wallpapered the whole office with that pic.

 

(((foreal))))

 

 

Thanks PR.. And to you all.

 

Her H called me this a.m...gawd it is horrible to hear the pain. He did not hear the vm but she did and since on it I said I was going to tell her H, she fessed up.....

 

He said he suspected it, that 3 years ago she had another A as well and thought they were thru it...

 

Get this: she has herpes!!! UGH. So far neother my H or me has it, but I think it is one of those sneaky things that can pop up later. great. The gift that just keeps giving.

 

My friend came over last nite and I showed her the love letter and the pics and the other cards etc they were with (he had them with a bunch of old bday cards, thank yous etc, not from her, from clients etc....) my friend said men are pretty stupid that although of course he knew she sent them to him, he probably didnt even remember hey were there- I am not so sure.

 

In any case, i feel liberated that her H knows- he gave me some more info that my H conveniently left out (like they had been to her home)... my H is freaking out. Good. he should.

 

thanks again to you all.....BrownEyedgirl, yes, I have thought it may still be going on....MOW's H said she said it was over but would not give a date...H is sticking to the story that once Dday happened, that was it, she was tossed under the bus and hasnt come back up since....who knows? Just the two of them.

 

Oh, and the kicker, she told her H that I was crazy... yep. sure am. now.

:(:(:(

[turnstone]

Instinct is a wonderful thing and you handled it really, really well. I have all my fingers crossed you are clean.

 

Do you have any idea what you're going to do now?

[Snowflower]

 

I KNEW there was something he was hiding...and this time instead of believing him, I trusted myself...and that feels good..I trusted myself.

 

 

Here's your hug (((foreal))).

 

I like what you wrote here...you are perfectly correct. You are trusting yourself. You took control of the situation and found out the truth for you. It is a liberating good feeling, isn't it? Keep following your intuition; I think it will serve you well. Continue to trust yourself more than your H.

 

Is your husband out of town? Does he know that you have visited his workplace?

 

Try not to jump to conclusions though. I think you said that you found the letters/pics in a batch of old correspondence from clients? Like your friend said, men can be incredibly stupid about this kind of thing (sorry guys). It is possible that your H is telling the truth and had forgotten about the letters, as disturbing as that is. However, he has a lot to answer for. Again, trust yourself first. If you truly believe deep down that the A has ended then perhaps the letters were just stupid leftover from that time. If this is so, your H is probably not taking them out and looking at them with fondness. Men just don't do that.

 

I'm sure this sets your recovery clock back to zero. I am so sorry for your pain.

[foreal]

 

I'm sure this sets your recovery clock back to zero. I am so sorry for your pain.

 

yes it does..I feel it all happening again, but somehow, this time is different....I barely cried. And I am calm...it is strange b/c my H is the one who is now freaking out...

 

he does know I went to his work , he knows I told her H, about what I found etc etc....

 

he said he called her after I told him she had herpes...I was livid!! WHY? he said he was so pissed off at her he wanted to tell her..WTF? I asked him what she said and he said it was not a conversation- he just yelled at her and then hung up b/c he realized he would have to tell me he called her...oh, and she is also a drug user, a tweeker....H's picture perfect girl aint so perfecr it seems...I think my H is reeling..guess he now knows how it feels to be duped....a bit.

 

I dont know what to do..I am going to see the MC today, alone. H comes home this evening and we are going to 'talk'. i feel very calm. I think he will ask for a divorce if for no other reason than he can no longer handle recovery..esp since he sucks at it!

 

 

Thanks all.....geez, too bad cheaters are unable to control themselves...look at this hot mess.. pathetic

[RedDevil66]

Foreal, you're taking control and that's great.

 

And I know who crazy all these gut feelings can be, but I would suggest just standing back now, showing your H you are not going to use your energy anymore for his trashy behavior and keep getting help

When he sees you getting well and not caring, he won't leave. He will want this marriage more

 

I'm not a revengful person, but I would have thought about making 100 copies of her nude, make it an zmas card and send it to everyone in the office.......... :-)

[NOTSURE7]

forreal..as a wh i am sorry for your pain..

 

when i first started reading this post i was going to tell you that you definetely should go to his office and you shouldnt worry about what others think,this should be about you...

 

but then i read on and i see what happened,so i am writing to try and offer you some insight and maybe in some way help..

 

it sounds to me like your H was never really taking responsibility for his actions..when i confessed to my w i went full nc and i mean full nc, i got rid of anything and everything to do with the ow,i no longer wanted it,i wanted it to be gone...i never spoke to her again..period, if we had worked together then i would have switched jobs,i know you will say it may not be that easy to get a new job,he cant leave his job etc etc but if he could pull off an affair then he can go get a new job...he should have done this no questions asked, if he truly wants you and your marriage...its should have been a no brainer to remove himself from the situation and most of all he should have done this for you..

 

but to be honest i think your h was still carrying on his A with this woman,i dont beleive she was the xow,i think she is still the ow,there is no way that stuff would just be right there for you to find if they werent still very active..sounds to me like he is telling you all the right things but not really doing anything to change..

 

since i confessed to my w i have been transparent,i have been open,i have been accountable,i do this not because i have too but because i know that if i want my w and my marriage this is what needs to be done, i have disrespected my w for so long.

 

you went with your gut and to be honest it surprises me it took you so long to go to his office but now at least you got your answer...

 

i know it sucks and i feel for you, i know i am a wh but i know what your going through and its hurtful...

 

good luck...

[turnstone]

Foreal, I know the emotional side of the discovery of an affair can be overwhelming and although I can see you are being very level headed about this, try to make some time to take some practical steps before the rollercoaster gets a chance to get going.

 

I recommend you see someone new for IC rather than go back to the marriage counselor; I feel its far healthier to have someone completely impartial. I'd also recommend you see a divorce lawyer as soon as possible, even if you change your mind its good to know exactly what the score is and it will be good for your husband to know what you're doing.

[Impudent Oyster]

I went to his work....nobody was there...got to his office....w/i 2 minutes found a love letter MOW wrote to him as well as some naked pics she'd sent him of herself...GAG

 

I called H and told him (he's out of town)...of course he says he 'forgot' the letter and pics were there..

 

I have asked him point blank, numerous times, if she'd sent any nudy pics or wrote love letters and he's denied all the way.....guess now he can't .

 

I am devastated.

 

He comes home tomorrow. he said the A is over, that he doesnt know why the pics and letter are still there blah blah blah.....that he loves me blah blah b;ah..

 

I hate him. It is over.

 

The lesson here though: go with your gut!

 

I KNEW there was something he was hiding...and this time instead of believing him, I trusted myself...and that feels good..I trusted myself.

 

So yea, maybe the A is over ( I feel it is) but that he kept these momentos tells me he had stronger feelings for her than he told me, that the A isn't all a 'horrible memory'....that he kept the lies going....

 

So gee, honey, you arent screwing her anymore, but every now and then you can look at her tits in your office where she is just down the hall from you.

 

Oh, and I called her home answering machine and read her love letter over the phone..should be a fun message to listen to for them...and then I emailed her H at his work, where I know he will get it I Apologized for the vm, and I was as gentle as I could be...I feel sorry for him)e..and I emailed her as well telling her if she contactd me or my H I will blast her titty pics and love letter and text messages to everyoone she knows.....damn that felt good.

 

I need a hug.

 

WOW! Here is a very big HUG sweetie. ((((((foreal))))))

 

Listen, your gut and instincts are an amazing thing, and I think you handled it well and were gutsy for calling her and leaving her the message and for contacting her H...I hope you offered to show her H the photos.

 

The both of them can sweat it out now, *********s!

[PhoenixRise]

Thanks PR.. And to you all.

 

Her H called me this a.m...gawd it is horrible to hear the pain. He did not hear the vm but she did and since on it I said I was going to tell her H, she fessed up.....

 

He said he suspected it, that 3 years ago she had another A as well and thought they were thru it...

 

Get this: she has herpes!!! UGH. So far neother my H or me has it, but I think it is one of those sneaky things that can pop up later. great. The gift that just keeps giving.

 

 

Oh, and the kicker, she told her H that I was crazy... yep. sure am. now.

:(:(:(

 

 

They always want to say you are crazy when you DON'T show up as the weepy, devastated, begging, doormat, good little wifey that they are expecting.

 

Foreal, have you and your husband actually been tested for STD's? If you haven't go get tested ASAP. I hate to say it but I think herpes can be dormant for awhile. Just because you have no physical symptoms doesn't mean there isn't a problem. AND I really do hope there is no problem.

 

I am glad you told her husband the truth.

 

Stay strong and continue to follow your instincts...they are leading you in the right direction.

[Spark1111]

Hugs, Foreal!

 

I found a shirt she had given him and asked him to throw it out. He didn't. I then threw it on the bedroom floor, spilled coffee grinds all over it, squirted it with ketchup, and demanded to know how he could be so disrespectful to me.

 

His response: I liked the shirt.

 

I too finally spoke to the OW today, but I'll save that for another thread.

 

As for visiting the office? I do it all the time, have made friends with his new co-workers, and a picture of us is prominently displayed on his desk.

 

That is how it is suppose to be. We go to lunch after he has introduced me to everyone, and then I go to a museum, shopping etc. I have to take a day off from work, but never again will I be kept out of his workplace, ever.

 

And I think to an extent, your friend could be right. Because a workplace affair must remain a secret not only from your spouses, but from your colleagues, pictures and cards quickly get concealed and lost in the desk.

 

Each time I found one, I went ballistic. But it had less to do with hurting me, than it had to do with him remaining unable to examine what he had done to us. That, plus being extremely disorganized, spun me to crazy.

[foreal]

Foreal, you're taking control and that's great.

 

And I know who crazy all these gut feelings can be, but I would suggest just standing back now, showing your H you are not going to use your energy anymore for his trashy behavior and keep getting help

When he sees you getting well and not caring, he won't leave. He will want this marriage more

 

I'm not a revengful person, but I would have thought about making 100 copies of her nude, make it an zmas card and send it to everyone in the office.......... :-)

 

Thanks RedDevil. Yes, i am now going to stand back..I have been doing too much work...and I LOVE the Xmas card idea....I don't think I will do it though- I just want her GONE from my life.