DenverBachelor Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 After a month and a half to reflect on the breakup, I've done a lot of deep soul-searching and figured out that I was a very toxic person during our relationship. I moved out to be with her and carried an addiction to opiates with me. Throughout a majority of our relationship, I was addicted to them but always hid that from her. It caused mood swings, a loss of interest and motivation in my life and made me a very miserable person to be around. She discovered an empty bottle of them and asked me about them without being accusatory after the Christmas holiday last year. I lied to her and said it was just an old bottle for when I broke my foot. The more I look back at the relationship, the more I realized I lied to her quite a bit. I have been NC for about 26 days now, but I feel the need to write her a long letter explaining the lies and to basically let her know how much I hid from her during our time together. The reason for wanting to write her is not reconciliation since she is with someone else right now, but to ease the pain in my heart for lying to my best friend of seven years while she stood by me for a year as my girlfriend. I feel as though I need to do this. This of course would be breaking NC, but I do believe that it would help immensely in my healing process to get that huge weight off my chest. She may or may not care at this point, but I feel I owe it to her to set the record straight. Perhaps I will write it and just table it. I'd like her to read it, though. On the positive aspects, the breakup was the only real thing that shattered my life enough to make me look deep inside and heal all these addictions. I've had to quit drinking as well -- otherwise you just trade one addiction for the other. Thoughts?
nobmagnet Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I would write it and put it to one side for a week and if you still feel the same then send it. Congratulations on your massive acheivement in quitting x
carhill Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Make the changes in your life for you and quietly. No fanfare, no disclosures, no apologies. Write the letter and keep it in a safe place. It will serve as a reminder of the person you have become. That's a good thing I can tell you with certainty of fact that, no matter what the transgression or depth of hurt, no woman has ever apologized to me for anything. Fair is fair. We all get hurt. Each of us needs to own that hurt. She stayed with you because she wanted to. No one held a gun to her head. Best wishes for continued sobriety. You are an inspiration
mickleb Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I would say write it all down but don't send it. I get your reasons for wanting to do this but you haven't been broken up for long, and she has already chosen to deal with her heartbreak by getting involved with someone else. To receive a letter like that could really upset her and her new relationship, so wouldn't benefit her to read it, at this stage, at least. It wouldn't benefit you, especially, either as it could mean she contacts you and it all makes the process you are (both) trying to go through, very messy. If you were such strong friends with her before the relationship, you should make the changes, as Carhill suggested, and you may, one day, be able to tell her these things as a friend (or an old friend). When both of you have got past the relationship. Ultiman has recently been through something similar, btw. You may find his posts very helpful. Best of luck to you. Keep up all that good work. x
Author DenverBachelor Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Thanks guys. I spent an hour and a half writing the letter and saved it to my drafts folder on gmail so that I have a copy and can pull it up if and when I ever need to. Actually, the act of writing it what therapeutic. Perhaps I will just convince myself it was sent and begin the process of moving on and healing.
Author DenverBachelor Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Ultiman has recently been through something similar, btw. You may find his posts very helpful. Best of luck to you. Keep up all that good work. x Thanks! I read some of Ultiman's posts and I saw a lot of similarities. When you're on opiates, you lose motivation to do anything and just really let yourself and everything go. That coupled with taking her for granted and it was only a matter of time before she had enough. I will say that I really intend to write a book about the experience. I don't care if it gets published, but I'd like to help others avoid the same mistakes. The problem with drug abuse is that you feel on top of the world during the honeymoon period but then it erodes your soul and life away. Here is a piece of the letter that I wrote to her: "As time went on, I continued to use behind your back. I didn't realize it at the time since I was so out of it, but I am sure you saw the mood disturbances, the nodding out occasionally -- weird sleep patterns, etc. This habit continued until sometime in May or June. It took a good month or so after I stopped to slowly get back to a level where I had some form of motivation to go out and look for a job. It was a very slow gradual process, but looking at your eyes, I knew that the damage to our relationship had already been done. As a matter of fact, I went into the relationship already with a lot of guilt in my heart and soul because I knew I was entering into a situation that would destroy what we were trying to build together and I was too weak at the time to put an end to it quickly and turn my life around. It was wrong of me to read your diary at the beginning even if I did suspect you were hurting or unsure of the relationship because of various factors. To be honest, I am surprised we made it as far as we did considering the extremes that I went into the darkness while with you. And there is something else that I need to release out there ... One of the heaviest pains in my heart through the various times I said something to you that I did not mean, I can remember a time when we left Old Chicago's and I turned around and said to you, "I'm sick of your ****." Lynnea, it wasn't your **** I was sick of but mine. I was sick of the addiction, dragging us through so much pain and dirt and building walls between us. Tired of the half-hearted job searches. That was a cold dagger right into your heart at the time, I know. Its an even colder one in mine now. I remember driving home that night and sleeping in the spare room. I remember that you came in to try and reconcile but I was too stubborn and pretended to be asleep. During our breakup, I called you evil. You are anything but that. In fact, you're the most amazing person I know -- you cared enough about me to put up the battle for as long as you did. You carried the greatest burden while holding the brightest light. You were and are a selfless person that has a deep heart. Although we had a lot of great times together, I will regret blanketing everything with my toxic behaviour and causing more stress and depression into both our lives. I was not 1/10th of the man I could have been, but today after hitting the gym every day for two hours and turning every aspect of my life into the right direction, I am slowly reclaiming my beautiful soul back that I had shoved into the recesses of my addiction. If it had not been for our breakup, I would not have had the earth shattering wake up call to make these changes and to get my **** together. What's strange to me is that it took something so immensely beautiful and precious in my life to nullify such toxic darkness. It was as if the brightest light in my life had finally gone straight into the deepest blackness -- a blackness that just sucks all light and life out of everything ... and you, that bright and selfless light, in ways you couldn't predict during the breakup, once and for all put an end to the blackness. It reminds me of a line from Moby Dick, "He piled upon the whale's white hump the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race from Adam down; and then, as if his chest had been a mortar, he burst his hot heart's shell upon it." The whale on my shoulders was my addicion and losing myself and you to it."
soheartbroken Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I wouldn't rule out sending it in the future. I think once I've totally given up hope on my relationship, I might send a similar letter. I won't send it now because I don't want to push her away anymore or seem creepy. I'm so proud of you for kicking your addiction, AND staying away from the booze. Must be so hard during a time like this, when you just want to numb the pain.
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