dutchie Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I have been with my boyfriend for almost 7 years. Never once have we spent a Christmas holiday together. Mostly this is because his parents, sister and niece live far away. Even when they lived only 30 minutes from us he never invited me and we never tried to do the holidays together. It has always bothered me and he knows this. It seems like we can never compromise or come to a resolution that I feel even slightly comfortable with. The holidays for me and my parents are really sad and difficult to deal with. I am the only child left, my sister passed away 4 years ago a week before Thanksgiving and then a few months later my Grandma passed. As a kid my Grandma was always there at our house for Christmas (instead of any of her 5 other children) and needless to say my sister was as well. Now that I am the only one left to visit with my parents at Christmas, I really just don't have the heart to totally leave them and go with my BF to his family as he wants me to do. We always fight about it and can never compromise. Actually, every time we talk about his family we fight. I feel like I am always 6th on the list (not just about Christmas, but a lot of other things with them). We are in our 30s, we plan on getting married next summer, and I just in general feel like it is time to stop letting mom and sister dictate our lives. I don't want to be without him for Christmas again. I want to be able to do both of our families and this year, I actually found a way to do that. I suggested to him that we both fly out to his parents the day of Christmas and that we would do Christmas Eve with my parents. I found a very early, direct flight which would put us out there at 7:45 am. We could easily do both and we both could be happy. But he flat out refused. I tried to explain to him how much I wanted to do both, how important it is to me. He just said if I want to go with him when he plans to go with his brother then I can do that. Or I can fly out by myself on Christmas. But he will not spend the holidays with my family. He didn't even think about it, just said NO. I talked to him about this last night. We didn't fight. Instead of getting whopping mad (as I normally do) I just dropped it, even though I was bummed. I am not sure he noticed at all. I realize that he doesn't get to see his family as much as mine, and I feel bad about that. The year my sister died I asked him to stay home with me, and he said he would, but then his sister pitched a big old hissy fit and so he went there anyway. Underneath the Holiday dilemma are definitely some other issues (with the sister mostly) and I definitely fight to not resent them. I really want us to do both. I feel selfish and yet pissed that he is not even trying to meet in the middle. It's not like I am asking him to not go out there at all. How can I deal with this? It is tearing me up, especially these days as I think of my sister at Thanksgiving and in general just feel melancholy. Am I really being selfish? Is it really out of line for me to want us to do both? How do others deal with this who have two families that are not easy to visit in one day?
Devil Inside Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Dutchie...sounds like a very frustrating situation. I think that you two really need to work on your conflict resolution skills before getting married. If your BF is having such a hard time setting boundaries with his family in his 30s then there are going to be some other issues. I do not think it is asking too much to see both families, especially if you set up all the arrangements. It seems as if he is afraid to confront his family to meet your wishes and desires...not a good sign. It is also not good that you have not spent a Christmas together in seven years. How does this not bother him?
threebyfate Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I don't think this has anything to do with family boundaries. This is what he wants to do, as well, that is to spend Christmas with his family. In essence, he's telling you that his needs trump your needs, even though you're trying to find a way to compromise. Ask him what will happen after you get married. What are his expectations then, in reference to Christmas? Will he want to continue this way, having separate Christmases? I'm guessing this isn't the only way he's showing you that he matters more than you do v. a more healthy balance of equal portions of caring. Think hard about it and you'll find other examples of such, within your relationship. If you do find them, is this what you want to sign onto?
Author dutchie Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Thanks for the replies. You both are right about examining some stuff before getting married. I have been wanting us to make the ultimate commitment for so long, that I just kind of pushed these things to the side in the excitement. It's not all bad though...he is loving and sweet...but when it comes to his family he is a butthead. And I do see how his needs are sometimes way more important to him than mine or ours as a couple, and that really bugs me. Plus last night something happened at dinner with his family that makes me completely uncomfortable. I think I may start a new thread because it's a totally different topic, but it definitely made me not care about Christmas at all. He can go without me, for as long as he wants, but I am not going to be stuck so far away from home with him and his family. Bad idea. I think we should probably go back counseling. :/
harmfulsweetz Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Hmm, you are trying to find a comprimise and he is refusing to. At the end of the day, he has to want to make it work so that both of you end up happy with arrangements, not just one. You should both get to see your families at christmas. If you are having these problems now, then what is it going to be like when you are married? Are thanksgiving and christmas the same thing in America? I'm not sure, but if they are seperate events, perhaps you could suggest spending one with one family, and the other, with the other family. However, if you have issues with his family, I'd flat out refuse to go. I'd worry if him being such a 'butthead' to you with regards to his family are signs of a huge red flag. He left you when your sister passed away because his sister threw a fit? I have to say, that's not loving, nor supportive or even caring. He should have stayed, and cared about what you thought and wanted, not about her. You should seriously consider talking it through with him, say it isn't fair how you never spend christmas together and when you do try to comprimise, he isn't interested. You need him to be interested, you understand how far away his family are, but are willing to travel to ensure he sees them, but you need to see your family too. He needs to help you find a way to make it suitable for both of you, and if he won't, and just sticks with his plans, regardless to your needs, and wants, I'd question how into this he really is.
Malenfant Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 you're not being unreasonable at all, he's being selfish. you're happy to see both families at Christmas, but he only wants to see his own. What happens if you have children? will he still refuse then? meaning you go to your family with your child and he goes to his alone? Its a bit of a bad sign really. he should care about your family, because you do, and he should want to make you happy. Blimey, you're only asking for a compromise! not for him not to see his family! He should be understanding about the sadness that you and your poor family has had to endure these past few years. its sort of telling about how much of a caring person he is.
dreamergrl Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I think it's time to sit down and decide if this is how you want to spend the rest of your life. He doesn't want to compromise. It hasn't changed in how many years? And it wont change, unless he wants it to. I'd think if he wanted it to, he would have made the change by now.
carhill Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I think this guy does not want to get married
Thornton Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 So it's just you and your two parents at Christmas? Why can't your parents be invited to spend Christmas with his family too, so you can all spend Christmas together? My ex's parents always used to invite my mother and I to join them for Christmas, because they knew if they just invited me I couldn't come and leave my mother all alone. I'd think his parents would be happy to welcome yours, especially if you're marrying their son and they're going to be in-laws.
Author dutchie Posted December 11, 2009 Author Posted December 11, 2009 Wow, it's been a while since I posted...I've been so busy. Thanks for everyone's insight. We have been arguing a lot lately. At Thanksgiving his family visited. We had dinner the Sunday before Thanksgiving, and it didn't go so well. I sat there awkwardly most of the time and then at the end of the meal, the topic of Planned Parenthood (abortions in particular) came up. His family is very religious and conservative; I am really not. His brother ended up saying some really disrespectful things that I personally took offense to. In the car after dinner, as soon as we were belted in he started yelling at me, asking what my problem is, why did there have to be so much tension, blah blah blah. I was shocked; I pretty much just sat there and said nothing, even though I did feel really uncomfortable and I am sure they could tell by body language and such. But I never said or did anything disrespectful. It was weird and awkward. The next day he talked to his brother about it and said he was going to make him apologize. I told him, no it's ok, because I didn't want the whole family knowing that I felt that weird about it; I barely know them and even if we do have differing opinions I still want to like them and for them to like me. I ended up skipping Thanksgiving. He seemed ok with it. Christmas at this time had not been resolved; I was just letting it go for the sake of peace. In the last week or so we have been discussing Christmas plans. He finally agreed to the compromise, AFTER he cleared it with his niece's schedule (no ballet recitals, Christmas plays, etc) and I suspect to make sure no hissy fits would be thrown by Sister. I am trying to not still be irritated by that, since he did eventually come around to compromise. Anyways, I don't want to go now. The awkward pre-Thanksgiving dinner made me feel completely alienated from them (not super hard since I hardly know them anyways) and the last thing I want now is to spend Christmas day and 5-6 days after at their house with no escape. I fear that my boyfriend will still act like a jerk and I will be stuck. I really don't know what to do now.
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