FeelingLonely98 Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 OK - So most of you know my story. (47 yr old W has MLC, leaves a good M for an 18 yr old BF) OK, my son's b-day is in a few days. I believe that her son (my step-son, who still lives with me months after the STBXW left) - her son mentioned that she will have a present for him. I feel like if that is the case I will not accept it. She would more than likely send it with her son. I would probably send it back with a note saying something like "No Thanks, A birthday present is not what I, or the family, wanted from you." ~~~~~~~~~~~ What do you all think? Good Idea? ~~~~~~~~~~~ Today is day 14 of NC!! It's helping me to "detach". I think of her less and less each day. (I do still love her though. Wonder when THAT will end?!??!?!) (BTW, the STBXW has nowhere to go for Thanksgiving dinner. She is in seclusion and doesn't visit her family, plus they are all pissed at her anyway.) PEACE!
2.50 a gallon Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 The STBXW has no where to go for Thanksgiving! on gee, that's to bad Blood is thicker than water. Not always so. My uncle, dad's brother, dumped his wife while she was PG. My uncle was never allowed in our house, or his brother and sister's house again. Even his parents cut him off. My aunt even though she had married into the family, carried our last name, and was therefore family and always included in family functions. Car repairs, house repairs, we all chipped in and reroofed her house and painted the house. My dad saw his brother only a couple of more times over the next 25 years. He took his parents up to visit the uncle once, when they became to old to drive. When his mother passed, we spotted my uncle at the cemetary, some distance off. He is no longer part of our family My aunt remarried and moved across country. She comes back to visit her now grown kids and grand kids about once a year. We always have a big family reunion, her new husband is also considered part of the family and the kids call him uncle.
2.50 a gallon Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 FL98 Consider letting your son accept the present. And then donate it to a Christmas gift drive. Also football season is about over, and spring training is just around the corner, consider getting your sons some baseball equipment for the holidays. Good exercise for young men.
quankanne Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 my son's b-day is in a few days. I believe that her son (my step-son, who still lives with me months after the STBXW left) - her son mentioned that she will have a present for him. I feel like if that is the case I will not accept it. let me get this straight: You will not accept a gift that the boy's mother gave him? hate to sink your ship here, but this gift isn't for or about you, it's for the boy. Be the bigger person and accept the gift for what it is: Something nice she's doing for her kid. It has NOTHING to do with you, regardless of how you may feel about the marriage dissolving. It's about HIM, not YOU.
whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Sorry, I'm confused, the son is your step son, her (blood) son? Don't put the kid in the middle of this..Allow him to have the gift. This isn't about you or her - It's about your son.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I've read your back story and feel so sorry for the situation you are in. I believe this is his son not hers?? Regardless, adult things should not invole the kids anymore than possible. He gets a gift from her he keeps it and says thank you. It means nothing. I can't even imagine what you're going through and I know your emotions must be all over the place. You know right from wrong. If not her son wouldn't beliving with you. Don't impose your feelings on your son and don't put her son in the middle either. She's done a terrible thing by abandoning all of you and I know you are as hurt for the boys as you are for yourself, BUT you can protct them from your emotions as much as possible. They are dealing with this as well as hurting for you. I know you are angry and want to make a point but this one seems costly for both kids.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 The STBXW has no where to go for Thanksgiving! on gee, that's to bad Blood is thicker than water. Not always so. My uncle, dad's brother, dumped his wife while she was PG. My uncle was never allowed in our house, or his brother and sister's house again. Even his parents cut him off. My aunt even though she had married into the family, carried our last name, and was therefore family and always included in family functions. Car repairs, house repairs, we all chipped in and reroofed her house and painted the house. My dad saw his brother only a couple of more times over the next 25 years. He took his parents up to visit the uncle once, when they became to old to drive. When his mother passed, we spotted my uncle at the cemetary, some distance off. He is no longer part of our family My aunt remarried and moved across country. She comes back to visit her now grown kids and grand kids about once a year. We always have a big family reunion, her new husband is also considered part of the family and the kids call him uncle. Gallon - WOW. What a chilling story - for me! You know the STBXW's family all still love me and I've been told they even want me to come over to her cousin's house this Thanksgiving evening. (I am having my traditional mid-afternoon Thanksgiving feast so I'll be alone at night anyway.) Still not sure if it is a good or bad idea to visit them ... I will not reach out to them again, at least not now. If they call me I will think about it. To me they ARE family, have been for 16 years.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 FL98 Consider letting your son accept the present. And then donate it to a Christmas gift drive. Also football season is about over, and spring training is just around the corner, consider getting your sons some baseball equipment for the holidays. Good exercise for young men. Awesome idea. I love it. BTW, My sons play baseball 12 months a year. My youngest plays catcher for his HS team and should be a 4 year letterman next year!! We can play baseball all year where I live - South Florida! They are both in great shape, I struggle keeping up with them!!! LOL TY Gallon.
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 my son's b-day is in a few days. I believe that her son (my step-son, who still lives with me months after the STBXW left) - her son mentioned that she will have a present for him. I feel like if that is the case I will not accept it. let me get this straight: You will not accept a gift that the boy's mother gave him? hate to sink your ship here, but this gift isn't for or about you, it's for the boy. Be the bigger person and accept the gift for what it is: Something nice she's doing for her kid. It has NOTHING to do with you, regardless of how you may feel about the marriage dissolving. It's about HIM, not YOU. TY for your comment qk - but you don't know the story. My son who is having the b-day is not HER son. I was married previously. She would be giving it to her step-son. She has a son, I have two sons, we have no kids together. Dude, I would NEVER do what you suggested I was doing, and if I did, then I 1000% agree with your response. But you're wrong. PEACE!
cyabye Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 my son's b-day is in a few days. I believe that her son (my step-son, who still lives with me months after the STBXW left) - her son mentioned that she will have a present for him. I feel like if that is the case I will not accept it. let me get this straight: You will not accept a gift that the boy's mother gave him? hate to sink your ship here, but this gift isn't for or about you, it's for the boy. Be the bigger person and accept the gift for what it is: Something nice she's doing for her kid. It has NOTHING to do with you, regardless of how you may feel about the marriage dissolving. It's about HIM, not YOU. Agreed. Not accepting the gift makes you look like the one who has the problem. Aside from what she has done, she is still the boy's mother. I know it's hard but do you want to come between him and his mother in that regards? Your son might start to resent you for doing so. Leave your son out of this divorce. This is between you and her. Consider the best interest of the child now. cyabye
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Sorry, I'm confused, the son is your step son, her (blood) son? Don't put the kid in the middle of this..Allow him to have the gift. This isn't about you or her - It's about your son. See above post. My son is not her son. My son will be 18 and knows what she did. He is quite upset at her for everything as well. I've been totally honest with my 16 & 18 yr old sons, all but telling them her new bf is 18. AGAIN, I would never stop her from giving her own son a birthday present. I am not a monster!!! Maybe I didn't explain my story enough. I've posted enough threads I just figured most knew my story or would browse thru a previous thread. Sorry for any confusion...
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Thanks IWWH and ch - I'll consider all posts, both sides. I am sure it is going to happen and I want to do the right thing. I almost feel that accepting it would make the STBXW think that I am now okay with all that she did ... IDK. TY.
cyabye Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 See above post. My son is not her son. My son will be 18 and knows what she did. He is quite upset at her for everything as well. I've been totally honest with my 16 & 18 yr old sons, all but telling them her new bf is 18. AGAIN, I would never stop her from giving her own son a birthday present. I am not a monster!!! Maybe I didn't explain my story enough. I've posted enough threads I just figured most knew my story or would browse thru a previous thread. Sorry for any confusion... Nevermind. Sorry. I just read that he is your son from a previous marriage. Do what you think is best for your son here. cyabye
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Agreed. Not accepting the gift makes you look like the one who has the problem. Aside from what she has done, she is still the boy's mother. I know it's hard but do you want to come between him and his mother in that regards? Your son might start to resent you for doing so. Leave your son out of this divorce. This is between you and her. Consider the best interest of the child now. cyabye Same message for you cb. See above post by me . The b-day boy is NOT her son, he is her step-son. I do TY for your input.
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 FL, you may want to make this more about your son. I know you are angry, but what if your son is excited to get the gift and wants to keep it? I would accept the gift, give it to your son, and just leave it at that. Have him send her a thank you note, and be done with it. If you react with anger like that, all she will do is continue to justify to herself that she was right to leave. Just don't respond. Have your son do the polite thing by sending a thank you note with something like 'our family thanks you' (subtly not including her). When she gets it, perhaps that will drive a deeper knife into her heart than something angry would. Your son gets his gift, and you get some revenge. The idea is to drive the knife in from the back and twist it, not to come running at her with it so that she can fend you off.
carhill Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 IIRC, Quank is a ~60yo woman, so lots of life experience there. I do know your story and that it's *your* son (not with her) and my advice still stands
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 ch - OK - I respect your comment. Hearing enough of these comments has me leaning towards accepting it. I am on day14 of NC and true NC would not include sending it back with a note or message now would it. LB - I like what you said. Not sure if I want to "twist the knife" - so to speak. The thank you note from HIM makes sense.
quankanne Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 LOL ... carhill, you're off by 16 years, but hey, somedays I *do* actually feel like a vieja! :laugh: TY for your comment qk - but you don't know the story. My son who is having the b-day is not HER son. I was married previously. She would be giving it to her step-son. She has a son, I have two sons, we have no kids together. Dude, I would NEVER do what you suggested I was doing, and if I did, then I 1000% agree with your response. But you're wrong. PEACE! I appreciate the background information, but will still stick by my original advice: The gift is for your child to accept or reject, not you. And there are a variety of different scenarios that could play out: 1. he might decide not to accept the gift & refuse to take it from her; 2. he might be gracious about accepting it, then passing it on to someone who may enjoy it; 3. he might actually want the damned gift because it means that she took the time to remember him despite the mess between the two of y'all. don't make him a pawn in your relationship with her, because at some point he's going to wise up and could possibly resent that you acted "in his best interest" without taking his feelings into consideration. instead, take the higher road, and let him decide what he wants to do with his gift, and don't try to sway him one way or another ...
carhill Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 LOL ... carhill, you're off by 16 years, but hey, somedays I *do* actually feel like a vieja! Crikey! Sorry! You've always had this maternal air about you. I get this picture of some wonderful aromas as a huge platter of enchiladas comes out of the oven. Personally, I think having a positive attitude about his son receiving a gift from his stbx would help the OP. How we react to what life throws at us is what defines us.
floridapad Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I for one would not accept the gift. Personally, I would tell my son I'm sorry but we can not take gifts from someone who has done what they have done. Would set a bad precedent. She not only hurt FL98 but she hurt his son (I assume.) Taking gifts from someone who did such a horrible thing IMHO is wrong unless that gift comes with a major action towards repairing the damage she has done. Like leaving the 18 yr old OM.....
lkjh Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Don't accept the gift, just have her son send it back. If you accept it you leave the door open for contact and as soon as her 18 yo bf jumps ship or she starts to miss family functions she will come crawling back. If you don't accept the gift and stay NC she will get the point that you are done with her. If you take it you leave the door open
Author FeelingLonely98 Posted December 1, 2009 Author Posted December 1, 2009 OK - there was no gift. A lot of worry about nothing ... Who was it, Gunny(?), that said 99% of what we worry about never happens? I guess she either forgot about my son's b-day or no longer cares or feels she has no right to give him a gift. I doubt she forgot - I gave her son a very nice present just a few days before. Their b-days are only a few days apart so doubtful she "forgot". My son did tell me that he wanted nothing from her.
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