I'm the dumper. Why do I feel like the dumpee?

[Trinitron]

Well I've finally been able to grow a set and am tired of the long trail of breadcrumbs she's thrown out just to keep me around.

I've also realized it's rarely a good idea to get into a relationship

with someone in your workplace. If I were smarter I would have dumped her 2 months ago when she said, "I just want something casual, no strings attached, no drama."

Guys you would not believe the doormat I've become, some things happened yesterday and the day before that any woman worth her salt would have run for the hills for, but she's not and you know why?

Because I'm frickin paying her bills for her.

Last night I decided without even telling her its over, I'm just going to go NC, I stupidly told her I'd keep her treading water until the 1st of the year financially. Even though I promised her this I still want to back out of it, but feel I'd lose my integrity if I did.

I don't want to lose the dream, but reality kicks in and makes me realize I've never really had a chance with this woman. Last night was tough once I figured out what I had to do, tonight won't be a cakewalk either, I know I won't call her, but it'll be tough not to pickup if she calls.

My plan is to simply send her some money by mail write her a little note that I can't do this anymore and be done with it. Yesterday I had the pit of the stomache feeling, today just blah.

Although maybe I should wait to see if she even tries to call, if she does'nt then at the very least I can save some money.

Thoughts?

Trinitron

[Ody]

Although maybe I should wait to see if she even tries to call, if she does'nt then at the very least I can save some money.

 

Lose this notion that you will have the easy exit. There is a difference between no contact and slinking away, which is what you are trying to do. You're going to have to man up and break it off firmly, or things will continue to spiral downwards. Whatever you choose about giving the money or not, it needs to be a firm choice.

 

The whole work thing and money thing makes it much more complicated. I can't think of other constructive advice. Learn from your mistakes next time I guess. Good luck.

[fofiffs]

Honestly if it were me I wouldn't even give her a penny..

[Trinitron]

Yeah, as used as I've been, giving her more money would seem more like a slap in the face..........integrity be damned. Although she'll leave voice mails about how I'm not a man of my word and how I'm leaving her hanging, etc,. Kinda sucks though, I've got so much emotionally invested in this thing as well the money its hard to just close the door.

And that was probably my last shot at a relationship this lifetime, my usefullness age wise is dwindeling. Thanks for the replies.

Trinitron

[fofiffs]

Bro if your paying her bills for her, she's completely taking advantage of you. You'll regret later when you realize how much money you've spent on this woman when you could have spent it on more important things for you.

 

I've been there too. My ex lived with me and never worked. Payed for all her stuff and never bought anything for me. no I regret ever doing that for her cuz I could have spent that money on myself.

 

You can't buy love with money. Don't give her a dime. Let her worry about her bills. Worry about yours.

[jerseyboy]

I'd pay it

 

It isnt about her. We cant control other people. We can only be responsible for our own behavior. You promised it, now you are obligated to do it. But then again Im assuming this is a figure you can live with. If this is putting you into debt, or otherwise seriouslky impacting your ability to care fcor your own affairs, she isnt entitled to that unless there is a lot more not stated in your post.

 

Talking a few grand?

[Trinitron]

You can't buy love with money.

 

Dude, if I were to be honest with myself this is exactly what I was trying to do. Since I have low self esteem I figured she could'nt possibly like me for who I am, I guess I thought sweetening the pot would make a difference...........it totally and completely did'nt.

She treats it as if I've given her a stick of gum, and I'm into this no small amount by anyones standards. Thanks fofiffs.

jerseyboy, really? Pay up and check out? Thats what I had originally decided but the more I think about it the more I know I've been played, there's a part of me that wants her to know that I've figured out the game and the game is over. Thanks fellas.

Trinitron

[dashing daisy]

I have some questions...

 

Why were you/are you paying her bills? What bills? Why wasn't she paying them herself? Unless you made some sort of loan or financial agreement, I don't see why you should have to continue being used just because you once said you would. Am I missing something here? I don't understand why you would continue to pay her bills.

 

Were you committed to each other/in a relationship? If so, it's probably best to actually break it off. Close the door for real, and then go NC.

 

And finally, why do you think she couldn't possibly like you for who you are? What's so bad about who you are? Cut her off, and take some time figure out where these self esteem issues are coming from. You deserve better than this, but you need to really believe that so you don't keep putting yourself in this position. You're on the right track...

[Trinitron]

Hey daisy, to sum her up I'd say she is a walking, talking disaster area, with more bagage than you could ever imagine. I have the knight in shinning(sp?) armour complex that I think I've taken a bit to far.

And to answer your question about my self esteem, yes I am one of those rare nice guys that tend to get used as a door mat until that bad boy shows up to sweep her off her feet. In relationships nice guys do finish last it seems.

Trinitron

[GrayClouds]

First pick up the book "No More Mr.Nice Guy"

 

If you care about your integrity, then meet her in person and tell her it is over. Make it short, polite and direct. Then go NC and focus on yourself and making you the best you can be.

 

What problems she has, she had them before you and will have them after you no matter what you do. You got your own issues to work on, so instead of distracting yourself with her problems, focus on your own.

 

 

Good luck, you have a better life waiting.

[Trinitron]

First off, the Cure and beer don't mix.

Second, Grey I don't think I can make it work in person, I've tried to break it off like 6 times already and she is a manipulation godess. That is why I think it best to just let her know by snail mail.

Yep I got issues, but if I would have acted on all the red flags when I should have I would'nt be going thru what I am now. And yes, yes I've learned something thru this disaster, I won't ever give money to a woman again, I had to go thru this to get my lesson? Thats BS.

Tonight was'nt so bad not as emotional as last night, tonight is just numb.

I suspect tomorrow will be tough. She had some drama(so she said) that was suppossed to happen tonight and not one phone call, so maybe she has decided to move on. And that would be fine with me I've been in hell the past 3 months. Anyway I'm drunk enough to sleep so, thanks all.

Trinitron.

[fofiffs]

Bro I know how you feel. It hurts now but the pain does go away. Trust me when I say that. From my experience I thought that I couldn't live without my ex the first few months. You know what I did after all the pleading and begging from my part, I completely droped off the face of the planet. Changed my number, deleted online networks, the whole 9 yards. It was rough at first but the pain became more bearable and eventually it subsided.

 

Well here I am 9 months later and still alive. I'm not going to lie I still do think about the ex from time to time but not hurtful thoughts. I just wonder about her sometimes maybe for a minute or so and thats about it. I just carry on with my daily routine like she was never been in my life.

 

But seriously don't let anyone manipulate you and just learn from it, so that the next time you do get into a relationship you won't be played for a fool again..Work on yourself and don't even worry about her. You'll find something good out there.

[Trinitron]

fofiffs, thanks much for the support man.

Today was rough due to the meloncholly that last nights binge brought.

I did erase her numbers from my phone and put the phone on silent so I would'nt know if she called. Turns out she called twice left a message about how busy she was this weekend and to call her back.

Right now I don't know what to do, I mean I'm not going to call her, but without telling her I'm bailing it'll be tough to not pick up.

Damn it, trust me when I say this, she could have any guy she wants, rich, a 10 on the looks scale, you name it she could have it.

Tomorrow.

So why me? I just am not built with enough self esteem to be able to handle a very independant and emotionally closed off woman.

Whichever way I go it'll end bad.

Trinitron

[Trinitron]

HS, good thing I deleted her number. She called again last night and I was in bed right next to the phone and just let it ring.

Today nothing, she knows I go to bed early. I think not calling her back was the last straw for her, she's told me time and again she does not chase. So I guess it really is over, I figure at this moment she's trying to round up the other men I've suspected she's been seeing to see if they can pay her way.

Damn, if I would have known it would have been this easy to diconnect from her just from not answering her calls, I would have done this a long time ago.

Trinitron

[fofiffs]

Thats good to hear bro, keep up the good work. The last thing you want in your life is a gold digger..keep us updated..

[trueblue72ny]

youre doing the right thing. just finish up helping her tread water until the 1st like you agreed on. i mean you dont hate the girl or anything, you want to see her be ok ? so after that than you are free. you said it yourself, you realize you never really had a chance with this woman. you know its over. now you are the bigger person. move on and keep your dignity.

 

now you will become a doormat IF you continue with her after the 1st.

 

i work with my ex too. it was hard at first, actually it was really hard to deal with for a long time. but i dont hate mine either. she just annoys me now being around and initiating contact with me when i am moving on

[Trinitron]

Actually, to add context to this there is more to this than just the money. I found out on thursday that she had lied to me.

She told me she had a son that actually lived near me and had a job that he was stressing over. I was always concerned and asked how he was doing. I'm a supervisor for a services company, and we have about 35 route drivers. Thursday I connected the dots, it turns out that her son works for my company as a driver who I've known casually for a while.

We're going thru a re-route and unfortunately for him he's going to lose his route, she's been pushing me for a while to talk to someone so he could keep his route, I always thought the concern a bit over the top but thought he was a good kid. Of course now this makes sense.

She said she could'nt tell me because she thought one or both of them would lose they're jobs if the company found out they were related.

Her inability to trust me says alot. And to me this is a huge breach of trust to me. It was a lie any way you cut it. I mean what else is she lying about?

A week after our first date my gut told me to run away from this as far as I could, since then I've tried to break away several times but she would give me just enough bread crumbs to keep me around.

Ok here's the bombshell.........we've been going out for 3 months and I've never been to her house and she's never been to mine, and we have never slept togther.

I had hope thats why. I thought I could hang around and give everything long enough that she would realize that I was a pretty good guy, then open that door to a real relationship.

Well looks like thats never going to happen.

Damn, she was a pro, and damn was I ever played, all the money and other things I did for her and she did'nt even have to sleep with me.

I mean, how utterly perfect for her. Sucks to be me.

Trinitron

[Angel1111]

Lordy, this woman really had you wrapped. She may be gorgeous but she is obviously really, really stupid. Because if I had a guy who paid my bills and wanted to act like a knight in shining armour, I'd treat him so good he'd never consider leaving. Every guy I've ever been with always wanted me to take care of him on some level and was never someone I could turn to for support. Someone like you would be a breath of fresh air.

 

The thing about her son wasn't just a lie, it was an out-and-out manipulation. She obviously loves playing games and this will never stop. As far as what you told her about the money, tell her that you've changed your mind but wish her the best. The upcoming holidays should drive your message home.

 

And, btw, I doubt that you're past the age of having someone in your life. You just need to pick more trustworthy people, and you need to develop stronger boundaries. There actually are beautiful women out there who aren't manipulators.

[Angel1111]

Oh, and btw, you feel like the dumpee because you let her use you. You also know that there's no way to reason with her on this issue so you have no closure. There's no way around this one - she's a user, a liar, and bascially an overall rotten person....with a pretty face. She's like a ticking bomb wrapped in a beauiful package - it will still explode and destroy you.

[reservoirdog1]

Ok here's the bombshell.........we've been going out for 3 months and I've never been to her house and she's never been to mine, and we have never slept togther.

I had hope thats why. I thought I could hang around and give everything long enough that she would realize that I was a pretty good guy, then open that door to a real relationship.

That's bizarre. You pay her bills, it's a "casual relationship" that doesn't involve sex... if I might ask, how did you even start paying her bills in the first place?

 

It was tempting at first to use a denigrating ephithet on her as somebody who trades sex for money... but since there's no sex involved, that won't work. She's simply a user.

 

Cut her off. Now. I realize you made a promise to her. But, that sucks for her. Time for her to stand on her own two feet. And for you to take your balls back. It's not as if she'd have any legal recourse if you broke your promise... bare promises (i.e. where you're not getting anything back in return for what you've promised to do) aren't enforceable.

[DustySaltus]

Trinitron, I'm sorry to hear about your situations. It really sucks. Don't give her a dime. Actually, I would send her an invoice. I bill my company at $150 an hour. I was in a relationship for 18 months so:

 

$150 an hour x 24 hours x 548 days =$1,972,800

 

A small price to pay for you to get your sanity back.

 

Keep your head up, you'll be ok in time.

[Trinitron]

Well I just did it, she called earlier today and acted like everythings cool and I tried to tell her that this won't work but she came back with "oh it looks like you don't like me enough to see this relationship thru."

I then said, "no I like you to much is the problem."

She told me she'd call later tonight and knows that I go to bed early, I thought cool, things might work out then, 7pm came then 8pm came and I started thinking(after looking at my savings account) what has she ever done in appreciation for me giving all my hard earned money?

The answer? Absolutly nothing. No really. I stewed on this till about 8:45pm and thought, she's been playing me all along. Unexpectedly she calls and acts surprised that I picked up, to be honest it sounded like she'd been napping, she says(sorry I'm a bit drunk) I didn't think you'd still be up and I say "I wouldn't have been if I wasn't waiting on you to call."

At this point I'm all fired up with liquid courage I say, "ya know I've been doing some more thinking, I was looking at my savings account and I realized that in my opinion you've really not done anything for me in appreciation for everything I've done for you". So I ask her "what have you actually done for me in appreciation?"

Then I said "if we see each other on Friday it will be equal to 2 times per MONTH, I said thats kinda a fuzzy way to show appreciation."

Then I said you could have done any number of things to show appreciation but you simply didn't.Why is that?

She started with manipulation and closed with some personal attacks so I then said so that makes it pretty easy then doesn't it? So she said "everything I said I'd do I'm not going to do?" I said thats right, no more money And hung up.

She called back 10 minutes later and said, "I can see why you're wife and son left you and hung up." By the way for context in a nutshell my ex was a gold digger as well and I left her when she said "I don't think I should have to pay for you're bills."

Good Lord I'm screwed up.

Anywho I think I got my point across although I feel abit bad for leaving her hanging this close to the first of the month. Damn she is just like my ex, she acts as if any money I give her she already deserved in the first place, like she'd earned it.

Have I heard the last from her? Maybe, but what I'm I supposed to say to her if she calls? I don't want to get sucked in again, although I think I'm pretty safe she's not going to call again.

Although she might, I told her I deleted her number(and she never offered it again) so she knows I'm not going to be calling.

I can grantee you one thing though she's freaking right about now, and I could give a flying Frick.

Tomorrow will suck.

Trinitron

[Trinitron]

DustySaltus, thanks for the support I really appreciate it, cuse I need it right about now.

Angel1111, you are freaking awesome thanks much for your post. You've validated me.

Regards all, I dig you guys.

Trinitron

[fofiffs]

Good job bro, that took a lot of courage to do. By the way things sounded, she really didn't care about you one bit. I can't believe she had the nerve to even bring up your ex-wife and your son into the conversation. That really had nothing to do with the situation.

 

Its a good thing you got rid of her before she got deeper into your pocket. There's other women out there who will love you for you and not for whats in your wallet.

[Angel1111]

I think the part that you're maybe missing is that not only does she think she deserves the money, but you do, too, on some level. Otherwise, you would've never been in this position in the first place, and you wouldn't feel guilty about withdrawing it at this point. There's just something about you that likes to take care of people - and that's a great thing - you just need to be careful about who you take care of. Otherwise, you become a target.

 

It's kind of like women who are very nice and giving, but they're married to guys who abuse them. I always tell women like this to be protective of themselves and to be careful about who they allow into their lives. The same is true for you. Generosity is your gift. Don't keep giving it to someone once they prove to you that they don't deserve or appreciate it.

 

Since this is a reoccuring theme in your relationships, it would probably be good for you to sit back and examine how and why you keep attracting women who are willing to use you. And then in the next relationship, don't be so quick to take care of someone on the level that you did with your recent ex. That kind of care should be reserved for a committed relationship or marriage.

 

Really, it doesn't matter if she calls you again or not. She probabaly will but it would be better for you not to answer. Because, any conversation she has with you will be motivated by her need to manipulate you or make you feel guilty. The lesson you just taught her (if she's capable of absorbing lessons) is that lack of appreciation equals lack of attention and lack of funds.