wheelwright Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 RD- But how? Hi there DiDi My feelings go out to you. Even though I was married when I had my A, I didn't really understand the huge commitment I had made, nor how hard it would be to break it. And I wanted to very badly. There is just something about marriage (for most) that is difficult to end. It is the end to all the dreams you had when you were marrying, to the life you have created. It is almost two fingers to the self you have been for years, not to mention your closest life companion (whether or not you love them). I guess your MM has to face all this now. Good people do go and work on their commitments, especially if they have any remnants of sanity after all the deceit. I'm just saying this because perhaps if you understand MM better, you will feel less bad. You will still feel bad, but the rejection is not so much about you. Because if he were free, it would have been different. I have experienced a lot of pain at the end of my A. But friends have helped. Do you have people you could talk to? It sounds unhealthy that you have to put on an act to everyone (though I have been through that too, cos friends can only take so much!) Perhaps see him a few more times, but key yourself up for NC. You don't need to let him know. Just say goodbye yourself, then let him know he has to make his decisions without you. From reading here, and my own experience, that's what the WS has to do. This is huge s**t for him. Ending a M is not as simple as I'm unhappy, I want out. And he must be broken by his wife's betrayal. (Love or no love, betrayal in marriage is big, and often involves both parties reassessing everything, including affairs). If it's any consolation, I think it will take a miracle for their marriage to survive. But it may. And you need to get yourself in the headspace that it will. In this case, pessimism will be healthy for you. Because false hope is a killer. And he may be broken by the end of his M, and not at all up for hot stuff or even consolation with you. If things work out otherwise, great. Go talk, go heal, go make your future, knowing it may be with or without MM. And give everything time. Nothing has to happen tomorrow if you are true to yourself. (I found this a hard but valuable lesson).
DiDi123 Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Wheelwright- thank you. I know he is struggling and when we spoke told him that he cares more for his marriage than he thinks he does- maybe not so much her, but the history. And you are right about this being huge $hit for him. I have such a headache, heartache, I am just in such excruiating pain....I took 2 valium a few hours ago and passed out for awhile. I woke up and thought I dreamed everything- then it all came back to me. I know I am pathetic right now- and needy and would take the smallest sliver of anything from him if he offered it. I hate what I must sound like. I just can't seem to understand how we were so happy and now this. His wife doesn't know he knows about the A she's been having- she's denied everything to him. So he does have many hurdles to jump over. I just want to be happy and in love like we were. I want everything to return to normal. I don't want to live without him. And you are right about false hope being a killer- it is definately killing me. I feel like I am dying. My friends would not understand any of this- no one would. I don't even know if I can function without him. I did run out of the house after he left this morning and went to the gym and ran hard for 1 straight hour to try and forget all this. But it didn't help. I took a shower - popped some pills and went to bed- which is where I still am. My life revolves around pills to sleep and then pills to wake up and get me going. Not a nice way to live. I don't know if I even have the strength to go to work tomorrow. I'd like to go check into a psych ward and live in a padded room for awhile. I feel as though I am an elastic band that is stretching and the fibers are breaking and I am only moments away from snapping......I don't know how to cope, I don't know how to deal with this........how do I make a future?
whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Didi, you really need to start your own thread. Talking about your problem on someone else's and getting input isn't fair to the person who started this thread..
DiDi123 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Sorry- your right- my bad- didn't realize.....my apologies
fooled once Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 So this is where I am also right now. He just told me this morning that he wants to "be alone" to figure out what he wants. But he still wants to be "friends" and that he still cares for me and has feelings for me. How do you just be f'ing friends?!!!!! They he tells me he just found out that his W has been having an affair for 2 years - which I think has brought this all about. He said he isn't jealous but feels betrayed and needs to really talk to her and figure out what to do. The other bombshell I got was that he said that he isn't sure about anything, he has no answers for me and that he knows I deserve more and doesn't want to hurt me or cause me anymore pain. Do I believe this bull$****? How on earth did we go from a few days ago having a fabulous loving time together to this? How does a person do this to someone else? What happened? How do I go on now? I am pretty much on the verge of hysteria - crying and feeling like a stupid fool. How can I be friends? What the heck does that mean? He has been such an emotional support and such a good friend- now he just cuts me off? He keep telling me that I was wonderful and he is truly happy with me but he can't move forward with me until he straightens out the marriage (and stay) or gets divorced- when he can be free to see me. He said he hates sneaking around and lying and he just can't handle living 2 lives anymore- he said he is just too stressed going from being really happy with me then having to leave me and go home and being miserable. Do any of you think I should believe this crap? Am I being overemotional? Am I wrong to feel like I have been cut off at the knees? WHAT do I do? I want to just go hide under a rock and just swallow a bottle of my pills and sleep and never wake up. And it isn't just because of him- its everything. I think I am just a miserable horrible person and honestly I don't even want to be around me right now. I hate myself for getting involved with someone and I hate being hurt. I just can't take it anymore. Maybe I am better off just being alone for the rest of my life- I can't go through the pain of being rejected. And the thing is everyone I know thinks I have my $hit together, and I outwardly a happy person, but NO ONE knows how truly awful I feel about myself. Everyone thinks I have the perfect life and I see the positive in everything - I volunteer, I take care of my grandmother, I have loving parents, I have a great job, I am healthy (outside of the hysterectomy I just had) I'm attractive, active, SO why is it I can't find someone that I can love who will love me back?????????????????????????????? DiDI ((hug)) You might want to start a new post so that you can get the support/advice you need and not take away from the OP's post. Please DO start another post. I am sorry you are hurting, but I had a feeling this was coming as when he was gone fishing, he was so out of touch with you. Funny the emotions he said he feels about his wife's infidelity; yet he had no problem causing her those same feelings by having an affair with you. Please start a new post so I can offer more and not detract from the OP's post. (hug)
RedDevil66 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 RD- But how? Yeah good idea, start a thead so we can help you in there.
whichwayisup Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Start your thread, open another browser, and then copy and paste both posts you made into your new thread.. That will help everyone get what's going on with the recent updates..
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Wheelwright- thank you. I know he is struggling and when we spoke told him that he cares more for his marriage than he thinks he does- maybe not so much her, but the history. And you are right about this being huge $hit for him. I have such a headache, heartache, I am just in such excruiating pain....I took 2 valium a few hours ago and passed out for awhile. I woke up and thought I dreamed everything- then it all came back to me. I know I am pathetic right now- and needy and would take the smallest sliver of anything from him if he offered it. I hate what I must sound like. I just can't seem to understand how we were so happy and now this. His wife doesn't know he knows about the A she's been having- she's denied everything to him. So he does have many hurdles to jump over. I just want to be happy and in love like we were. I want everything to return to normal. I don't want to live without him. And you are right about false hope being a killer- it is definately killing me. I feel like I am dying. My friends would not understand any of this- no one would. I don't even know if I can function without him. I did run out of the house after he left this morning and went to the gym and ran hard for 1 straight hour to try and forget all this. But it didn't help. I took a shower - popped some pills and went to bed- which is where I still am. My life revolves around pills to sleep and then pills to wake up and get me going. Not a nice way to live. I don't know if I even have the strength to go to work tomorrow. I'd like to go check into a psych ward and live in a padded room for awhile. I feel as though I am an elastic band that is stretching and the fibers are breaking and I am only moments away from snapping......I don't know how to cope, I don't know how to deal with this........how do I make a future? Honey, no one is gonna care more for you than you care for youself except maybe your mother. You can punish yourself til the cows come home but it isn't going to get you anywhere You are the only person that can help you now, can you take resposibility for yourself? There is a whole world out there and you are going to commit yourself to this life??? Do you have three heads???? There is no one who cannot find happiness in a million places.Let it go if its not working for you. You're the only one who can do that for you.
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