mercutio Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Hello all, I am 32, have known my wife for 6 years, have been married to her for 5 years. We have a 3 year old daughter. Like many couples, we had our ups and downs. But we talked a lot. Communication is something I believe we are both pretty good at. During pregnancy, my wife's libido started to go down, which was absolutely normal. When our child turned one, her sex drive was still very poor, but I figured it was still legitimate to put it on the account of adjustment to our new life, responsibilities, and of course, our very busy days. 2 other years later, our daughter is 3 now. For a bit more than 2 years, we have "grown" back to having sex once a month, most of the time right after her periods, for about 5 to 10 mins, then it's pretty much it, and we wait for a another cycle. I hate how this sounds, but it feels a little to me like "paying the rent" now. Of course it impacted our relationship as time went by, and about 7 or 8 months ago, I told my wife how hard the situation was growing on me, and we decided together it would be appropriate to start couple therapy. The therapist pointed out sex drive is a often a relationship barometer. We definitely had issues in our couple. We went through very tough times and difficult confrontations, but we didn't shy away from them. We wanted to work things out, do what's right, not what's "easy". It was really hard, we yelled, we cried, we embraced each other ... most importantly, we kept going. After about 5 months of intensive therapy, a loooot of talking, communicating, understanding, etc, etc .... we both felt our relationship had gained and the "major" issues were out of the way. So did the therapist, I believe. However, my wife's sex drive still hadn't come back. I was tortured inside. Please understand that my hormones levels didn't change in the pregnancy process, so I have pretty much been holding on a desire for sexual intimacy for 3 years and 9 months so far. So, from then on, we started focusing on the sexual piece. She claimed she had no desire at all (other men included). The couple therapy targeted every possible thing : my physical appearance, the way we make love, attachment disorder (diagnosed on her part), her sexual past, etc ... I read books about lovemaking, I read about attachment disorder, we made exercises at home, etc... Eventually, after a total of 7 months of couple therapy and still sex once a month for "hygiene", I was a complete wreck. No results on that initial symptom. I felt rejected, undesired, lonely, craving physical intimacy and affection with my wife. I felt the warm, intimate, sensual, and sexual part of my life was just passing me by, and I am in my thirties, meaning I can only assume it will likely go downhill as years progress. Finally, we decided this : with my agreement, the therapist took me out of the therapy as he felt it was no longer a piece related to our couple but to my wife's personal relationship to intercourse. As a last resort, realizing how the torture could not last on my end (it has to stop one way or another for me), an ultimatum was set : we would break up if there were still no results after 3 months of my wife's individual therapy. It's been almost 1 month-and-a-half now. It's actually getting worse. We barely hug or kiss each other, we don't share anything anymore, we almost live our separate lives. I feel we are just preparing for the breakup. I admit I am angry, and I understand it won't help her to get in the "mood". But I feel I've done so much talking, caring, understanding. More importantly, I am human, so I also tune in to the state of the situation : if it gets worse, I get worse too. Am I supposed to stay supportive all the way up until the last day if it keeps going downhill, and then, at the deadline, change my smile into a frown and say "sorry, we didn't make it, let's break up now" ? I don't now how to deal with this ... To make matters worse, there are chances I may have to undergo a very serious surgery in 6 months. I don't want to deal with a breakup at the same time. It must be now, or not be. Also, the stakes are very high. If we break up / divorce, not only do I loose my significant other. We don't live in our native country, and she would eventually go back there with my daughter in case of separation, which means I would of course follow to get to be close to my child. So, I'll loose my job, and the industry in my field is a catastrophy where I come from. Dealing with a breakup, your child in the middle, surgery, loosing your job, and relocating to another continent ... is a very horrifying picture for me. It would simply destroy the entire life I built for myself ... just for sex ? But what's the alternative ? How do I live everyday near someone I love but cannot share intimacy with ? I don't want to loose my wife, but I feel like we are already not a couple anymore. We share the same roof, but live like brother and sister in the best days, like strangers in the worst. To be perfectly clear : I don't want animal hot sex, I want the intimacy that goes with the act, the sharing of a fundamental connection one wants to experience with the person who's the closest to you and whom you love. I don't know what to do. Any insights from anyone will be greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance, and apologies for the long post.
Tayla Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Read the commentary and boy can I say that I applaud you for being so patient for so long. You do see the big picture and have seemingly co-operated under her terms and not force the issue. I did gather that although you are not in couples therepy there is nothing wrong with having a personal therepist for you to come to terms with this change that may well be permanent on her side. Or if the ultimatum stands then you really have set a positive goal so you aren't having to be taunted by a person you still desire that inst reciprocating. On a medical level there are hormone therepy for your wife. Some ladies have found taking them does increase the desire and make them more intimate with the loved one. I didnt read that she sincerely loves you back though? Does she understand that withholding intimacy will break the marriage? Anyways, I sincerely hope you both can get thru this and get back to that wonderful area of your marriage that you miss so dearly. There is much honor in a gentleman that desires his spouse.
Author mercutio Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 Tayla, Thank you for your kind support. To answer your question, I believe I can say that she really loves me. And she hurts a lot from our problem. She hates to see what it puts me through, but she just doesn't know what to do. I am only sure the worst thing to do would be to force herself. She understands very well the stakes. Sex was actually never a problem for her in her past experiences until relationships started to become more intimate, which is of course our case since our relationship is the longest she ever had (same for me, by the way), which leads to the attachment disorder piece. She also has a history of a some sexual trauma, which I am sure is a part of this. She admitted that, through her life, sex had always felt like a duty, and now that she had found "her rock" (me), she no longer felt the pressure to have intercourse. She wants to "respect herself", which I definitely want her to do. It just hurts so much that, most days, intercourse with me qualifies as disrespecting herself.
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