Just jealous or just right?

[Alf]

Ok so this thread is a bit out there, but I'd appreciate some non-judgemental feedback.

 

I live in a house with 2 guys, and my girlfriend stays over a lot...so the other night she cooked a meal while I was working in my office...I came into the kitchen and one of the guys and her are standing real close, she was peeling some carrots, and he was standing beside her, I assumed he was helping or whatever. Now this guy is not the type to help anyone, especially cooking.

 

So I was in my office and I could hear them talking quietly, they then left the kitchen and headed towards the smoking area. I told myself to think nothing of it and later we had dinner.

 

That night I was in bed with my gf, she showered before bed, which she likes to do, but does it very rarely....we were fumbling around and I was surprised because she was so wet, we normally need lube...

 

If felt like she had sex recently, so I was feeling her inside with my fingers and I could feel cum inside her. We had not had sex in 24 hrs, but we had sex about 6 times so I came a lot, still it was 24hrs ago.

 

I was in shock, and kinda just froze, and lay back in the bed, she was very worried looking and was just staring at me...

 

I looked at her and asked her if she had a good night, to which she responded very nervously "I was cooking all night".....

 

I then went into the toilet and wiped the cum of my fingers, I took a sample and kept it to get DNA testing....there was some in the sink, so I said to her, "Am I crazy or is that cum?"...she was like, it couldnt' be....she said that's impossible

 

 

I know 100% that it was semen. I took two samples, and left some in the sink...later she went into wash her face, she never uses my toilet during the night.... and washed it all away...I only told her I took one sample...I had a feeling, but don't know for sure, but it looked much cleaner the next day. It was a cotton bud...but if looked as if she may have rinsed it...

 

 

So I told her that I was getting it tested. The next day she asked me, out of the blue, who was I going to get it compared to?...I told her I don't care I just want to compare it to my own DNA...

 

 

A few days later, I mentioned the second sample and she was really surprised. "What second sample?. I said that I had kept a second sample hidden from her, I asked what does it matter. She was pretty quiet and we left it at that.

 

A few days later, she was in the house and I left her and this guy in a room together, I could see them through a crack in the timber shutters and they were talking pretty closely and she was watching the door I was supposed to come back in through, she kept looking over and she was moving her hands about a bit, as if it was something serious. I was in a very bad mood that night, but just stayed quiet, and said very little...so I thought maybe it's my imagination, so I asked her if maybe this guy had asked why I was so quiet. She told me no, he never mentioned me.

 

So I can't get it out of my head, the image of her looking at the door all the time, while talking, why would she do that?...

 

To put this in context.

 

I actually love this girl. I know she had some history of abuse, and some family problems, so I fear she may have a damaged approach to sex and relationships. I mentioned this to her in a calm, and loving way...I told her that it would actually be fine as long as she told me the truth...my concern is that she may be a sex addict, but still in love with me...

 

 

 

I have never been so connected to a girl in my life. She feels the same.

 

 

I am the jealous distrusting type. I realise I need to address this issue, and I am getting help, and trying to help myself.

 

She is very sexually adventurous, sucks me off when people are in the next room to us and could arrive back in at any moment. Would love to watch me **** another girl. Loves to have sex at any opportunity.

 

 

During sex once we were talking dirty, and I told her she was a bad girl and loves getting ****ed, I told she just loves it, she can't help herself...she said yes "I know, I try but I just can't help it"....In conversation once, a friend of mine was talking about sex addicts. She joined in and said maybe they can't help it. Not what I would call a typical response, she doesn't feel the same about other situations.

 

 

The test results will be back in the next week or so. The problem is they aren't guaranteed a result, man I need to find out if I am crazy or not.

 

Just for the record, I know she would never admit anything.

Edited November 21, 2009 by Alf

[jerseyboy]

Dude prepare yourself

 

I dont think youre imagining it either just from her reaction.

 

Although it is kind of weird, the convo about having it tested. Thats all she said.

 

She didnt even play the "youre so creepy, I cant be with soneone like that" card?

 

Which it is really, but....seems like you have cause

[Alf]

Thanks Jersey Boy....She intially cried a little, was like can't believe you think I'm a whore...we spent the night talking it out...it was one long night....

 

She knows I have trust issues and has said that I broke her heart saying that to her. She says that she loves me too much, that as much as she'd want to she can't just walk away.

 

The bond we have is very strong, but I think I am onto something. Man, what a mess..

 

I've met so many girls over the years, and then wham this one comes along...and then this...pfttt...

[jerseyboy]

You appear to be a mature intelligent guy.

 

Putting guys aside, since neither of us date them, here has been my experiecne with women and the guys who love them.

 

Headcases are always the most addictive. Avoid them like the plague.

 

It's like when a person goes blind. Their other senses become more acute. People adapt and learn to compensate.

 

An emotionally unstable person becomes incapable of normal and mature emotional interaction. They are incapable of normalcy, so they compensate. Most especially they become very good at pushing people buttons.

 

She not only loves you, its the greatest love she has ever known. Theyve never felt this way before (since the last bf at least who she told the same to). The connection is so amazing. It is because she discerns what you want, and then makes it her own. And on and on and on.

 

It isnt real man. But theyll addict you because its like a roller coaster. Its exciting and scarey and they are always charging your emotions, from love to jealousy to anger etc.

 

Whereas a mature healthy woman, its more like a smooth ride on the highway. Her feelings are more genuine, shes not trying to entice you with every other word or gesture. She has her own needs and desires she wants to see fulfilled. And she has a life away from you thats healthy and fulfilling as well. Shes not as needy of you, so she doesnt make you feel as needed and wanted.

 

And you have your own guy instinct to play the self sacrificing hero with these women. To be the knight in shining armor that will help and protect them at your own expense, and that feeling needed and irreplacable by them makes you feel good as well.

 

But you have to understand its all a lie. Do you really want to live that way, especially in such an unhealthy, ungrowing, masochistic way?

 

You wont change her man. Whatever her issue, whether it be the need for self abuse, or a "love" junkie that cant do without that "thrill" of first falling for someone and all the feelings it engenders.

 

She gave you the answer herself. There is nothing that can be done. No amount of love, support, understanding, counseling. They are bottomless pits into which you will pour all of yourself, and it will never ever be near enough

[Alf]

Haha you might be on the money Jersey Boy. Thanks for the advice, the majority of what what you have said makes a lot of sense in this particular situation.

 

She's not a full-blown headcase, well I don't think so. But yeah I think there is part of this that doesn't make sense...

 

There are loads of other little things, but sometimes I have been convinced of stuff and then been wrong before so I need to move slowly here.

 

I can read her fairly well, and picked up on one or two other issues she had, (we all do, to be flawed is human)and have helped her get perspective on them....she is booked into see a counsellor next week....

 

I remember she said to me once that when I look in her eyes it's like I can see everything, she said "Even if I was lying it's like you would just know"...again this is not a what I would consider an imagined statement, moreso a true event masked as fiction.

 

Because I have looked in her eyes and felt her lie to me.

 

 

In response to your description of the "Roller-Coaster"

Part of my nature is that I am a thrill-seeker, so despite not consciously recognising it I am addicted to this relationship, the sheer thrill of it...but you're so right it's not real...it's a falsehood...

 

All that said I am terrified that I am wrong, so I am waiting to be 100% sure...

 

I need the proof from the DNA test to give me the strength and leverage to break free from this. It will also let me know where I stand with this other guy, he's not a friend but in many ways the fallout from this relationship has some rather large logistical implications.

 

I will let you know how things pan out.

[Alf]

 

Headcases are always the most addictive. Avoid them like the plague.

 

It's like when a person goes blind. Their other senses become more acute. People adapt and learn to compensate.

 

An emotionally unstable person becomes incapable of normal and mature emotional interaction. They are incapable of normalcy, so they compensate. Most especially they become very good at pushing people buttons.

 

She not only loves you, its the greatest love she has ever known. Theyve never felt this way before (since the last bf at least who she told the same to). The connection is so amazing. It is because she discerns what you want, and then makes it her own. And on and on and on.

 

It isnt real man. But theyll addict you because its like a roller coaster. Its exciting and scarey and they are always charging your emotions, from love to jealousy to anger etc.

 

Whereas a mature healthy woman, its more like a smooth ride on the highway. Her feelings are more genuine, shes not trying to entice you with every other word or gesture. She has her own needs and desires she wants to see fulfilled. And she has a life away from you thats healthy and fulfilling as well. Shes not as needy of you, so she doesnt make you feel as needed and wanted.

 

This is remarkably insightful, and you're description of their ability to push people's buttons is often the only skill or quality these people have. Everyone could do well to recognise when this is happening, thanks.

[jerseyboy]

This is remarkably insightful, and you're description of their ability to push people's buttons is often the only skill or quality these people have. Everyone could do well to recognise when this is happening, thanks.

 

 

Nah

 

Just been there, done that.

 

Also, dont beat yourself up too much over your own trouble with jealousy.

 

 

Society spews forth so much inane bs to screw with peoples heads its astounding.

 

Ask just about anyone and "they arent the jealous type."

 

Makes me giggle. I want to respond why are you retarded, emotionally crippled, or otherswise disfunctional.

 

Theyre either children, liars, and completely lacking in self awareness and real world interaction

 

We are wired to be jealous. Men are wired to try and guarantee that their sperm is the one being promulgated. Women are wired to have their mate stay and help rear and provide for the child. Saying you arent jealous stieks me the same as claiming to have no sex drive or survival instinct

 

Really? Im so sorry for your trouble.

 

Once you except the reality that you are not only allowed to, but supposed to have a jealous instinct, then it becomes a matter of integrating into your personality in a healthy and non destructive (of yourself and others) way. You also have an instinct to screw as many women as possible, doesnt mean it has to control your life.

 

You set boundaries for yourself and others, just as you would with sex. You have to be mature in the way you allow that jealousy to manifest itself in the way you speak and treat the other person.And you apply reason to your feelings and the situation, understand where they come from, whetehre they be past poor experiences, or simple inate wiring.

 

No one who is mentally healthy wishes to be in pain. Being cheated on, breaking up, are painful occurences. Its natural to fear them, but not to be controlled by your fears.

[phineas]

The thing is, if she cheated on you it has nothing to do with how she views sex because she obviously knows she did something she shouldn't have.

 

I think that's really all you need to know.

 

You are probably going to have to dump her & move.

[Alf]

Ok so the lab called me back today and said they managed to get extractions of DNA from both samples and they both matched my DNA, and that the DNA had a single male profile, ie me....so that would suggest that I am a bit off the mark here..

 

She was on the phone to me last night, and was telling me her plans for the week...she told me she was really looking forward to going out as it was someone's birthday...my radar went off and I was like "oh really?, who's birthday?"....then the penny dropped, it's my bloody birthday, but I get so jealous I forgot we have plans for it and thought she was on about some other dude....

 

 

It appears my imagination may have got the better of me....now what?

[learning to deal]

I can relate because if something in my relationship doesn't seem or feel right, I analyze everything...and many times overanalyze. It's often led to troubles in relationships for me but at times, when I ignore my senses, I hate that I didn't listen to myself. Trust your gut I say. It's very hard to do believe me.

 

It sucks you had to go through all of this but from your story, I think it's normal that you responded this way. If it all seems legit and you are happy with her, see where it all goes and try to let your insecurities subside. At least you will always know that way, that you did everything you could do for this relationship.

 

Good luck and sorry again you had to go through all this drama

[Alf]

Ok so I told her the results from the DNA today, and I apologised to her. She didn't say much, but that was probably because I had to dash out of the house as I was late for a meeting.

 

I was actually meeting with my therapist, we had a very positive session. I have some hugely important deadlines approaching that I have been ignoring as I was pouring all my energy into this. So I am going to re-focus on these very important areas in my life for the next three weeks, and put some energy into more important areas of my life that I have neglected.

 

I'll just let things take their course in the relationship, and try to enjoy the moment while looking after myself and being respectful to others.

[Ody]

Never mind, misread something, yeah it's good you are getting therapy, I hope it can help your jealousy issues. These are definitely your issues more than your GFs and that DNA thing, if true, is really really really over the top, not healthy.

[jerseyboy]

Her reaction still strikes as weird

 

That said

 

You owe her way more than an apology bro. Regardless of if she is instantly forgiving and accepting of what you did.

 

I would literally be on my knees begging her forgiveness.

[Alf]

Never mind, misread something, yeah it's good you are getting therapy, I hope it can help your jealousy issues. These are definitely your issues more than your GFs and that DNA thing, if true, is really really really over the top, not healthy.

 

I'm afraid to say it's one hundred percent true. The thing is that yes my head is the source of probably most of these issues. I am working on extracting my gut instinct from overzealous protectiveness. I agree one must not just trust anybody, but you must give people certain benefit of the doubt.

 

I really can't work out what amount of this is my creation. I guess time will tell. I need to relax and get on with being my normal self, aside from this I am a very content man, with a lot of really positive things in my life. This is my one achilles heal.

 

All that said I need to focus on how I react and my emotions around normal events. I felt the 'birthday' example was a good perspective on how I think.

 

All opinions are appreciated guys, I will update here again in a while and I'll let you know how things are going, thanks

[Ody]

I'm afraid to say it's one hundred percent true. The thing is that yes my head is the source of probably most of these issues. I am working on extracting my gut instinct from overzealous protectiveness. I agree one must not just trust anybody, but you must give people certain benefit of the doubt.

 

I really can't work out what amount of this is my creation.

 

Not trying to be a d**k but I'm going with 90-100% on this one. The whole on-the-spot vagina biopsy with your fingers followed by subsequent lab analysis bit is so far beyond the pale that I'm kind of mystified/mortified by the story.

 

Yeah sometimes those roommate things go south, I've seen it happen, but there are way more fundamental issues here. Be grateful this woman hasn't broken up with you, I would never ever put up with something like that.

[Alf]

I hear what you're saying, that is why my first few lines are asking for opinions and advice and trying to steer away by from judgemental issues. I appreciate your frankness.

 

It is far out, I appreciate that fully. I have a very powerful and creative mind, it can sometimes backfire. In good situations I can created amazing stories, childrens tales, poetry or solve problems quicker than most. In bad situations it's like an oversensitive metal detector, but sometimes once I start digging looking for that metal I can't stop until I get the answer, and I disregard almost everything else.

 

Yes I am very lucky she is willing to stand by me, when things are good, which they often are, and I let my good side take over I feel like I must be dreaming. She understands me, and I can really be myself with her.

 

I am a caring, intelligent very charismatic, generous, genuine and affable guy. I am also considered to be very handsome. I am not in desperate need of a relationship, but I really feel something more towards this girl than I knew was possible, for all I know it could be just sheer genetic allure, either way it's potent.

 

For the future, I hope that I can see what I have, and that what I have is real.

[Ody]

In good situations I can created amazing stories, childrens tales, poetry or solve problems quicker than most.

 

I totally buy this, I actually would love to read a children's tale written by such a mind.

 

Not being sarcastic at all. Good children's tales are always a little twisted. Consider Hansel and Gretel. Good luck, try to let go of the jealousy thing.

[jerseyboy]

I hear what you're saying, that is why my first few lines are asking for opinions and advice and trying to steer away by from judgemental issues. I appreciate your frankness.

 

It is far out, I appreciate that fully. I have a very powerful and creative mind, it can sometimes backfire. In good situations I can created amazing stories, childrens tales, poetry or solve problems quicker than most. In bad situations it's like an oversensitive metal detector, but sometimes once I start digging looking for that metal I can't stop until I get the answer, and I disregard almost everything else.

 

Yes I am very lucky she is willing to stand by me, when things are good, which they often are, and I let my good side take over I feel like I must be dreaming. She understands me, and I can really be myself with her.

 

I am a caring, intelligent very charismatic, generous, genuine and affable guy. I am also considered to be very handsome. I am not in desperate need of a relationship, but I really feel something more towards this girl than I knew was possible, for all I know it could be just sheer genetic allure, either way it's potent.

 

For the future, I hope that I can see what I have, and that what I have is real.

 

 

 

On your knees begging her forgiveness.

 

And thats just to start

[Ody]

On your knees begging her forgiveness.

 

And thats just to start

 

LOL leave it to JB to provide good down to earth advice while I start deaming of fairy tales.

 

Yes OP do this and other genuine expressions of heartfelt and healthy emotion, and make with some tickets for broadway shows or something too so you guys can have some good times and move on.

[Alf]

Ok so I am still struggling a little bit with my jealousy...

 

It's a tough one. This girl is amazing, she does everything to show how she loves me, she doesn't put up with too much of my crap but we have something special, that much is true.

 

 

I still get waves of suspicion, often they are complete nonsense, crazy stuff...

 

I did look through her phone the other day and she had a call to the guy who I thought this whole DNA event happened with.

 

Now she has no reason to ring him. So I calmly asked her in a nonchalant sort of way, have you called "x" lately, to which she replied "No".

 

 

 

..I can't actually recall the exact details for that day for the time of the call, but it was around the time we were getting up...so she may have been up and about...she claims we were still in bed, so it must have happened when she was knocking off her alarm.

 

...Either way the call was unanswered and it was outgoing from her phone....

 

 

She swears that she has no idea how it got there and that it can only be as a result of her accidentally dialling it and then accidentally hanging up before it rang through, as otherwise he would have seen a missed call etc...we have met this guy since and he never mentioned to her about a missed call on his phone....so according to her story it must have dialled briefly and stopped again.

 

 

His number is hardly ever used on her phone, last time was supposed to be over a month ago. The first letter of his name is the last letter on the key ie abc....

 

 

In my head I think she is telling the truth, but out of 100+ numbers it seems unlikely that she would call him accidentally, then hang up before it rang and never notice it....

 

 

My logic says she is lying, my head and heart want to believe her....

Edited December 21, 2009 by Alf