Jonboy101 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Hey Everyone, Been watching these forums for a bit and now finally have the courage to share a bit about me. Im 23, and I was with my partner for 3 years, she's 22 was engaged about 1 year in, and things were generally really good between us. I honestly believed we were rock-solid, the only real thing lacking in our relationship was a passionate sex life, i was always more keen then her, she NEVER seemed to have any drive from day one, but had a lovely figure. Anyway, i know that i got comfortable in the last year, let myself go a little and put some weight on, and over the last 6 months we just started to grow apart. We had lived together for pretty much the whole 3 years and she became a very important companion to me, even if there was a lack of passion. Anyway, pretty much she acted like everything was ok, and then i find out she spent the last 2 months calling and texting some random guy that hit on her at her work, in a SHOE STORE! Turns out she had "Feelings" for him. The worst part is, that when i discovered she was secretly not happy with certain issues, i immediately tried to work on them and fix it to save our relationship, and we spent about 10 days still living together, with her basically giving me hope that we could work it out, i know now that she would go and hide in the bathroom and text him before coming to bed with me... Sorry my storytelling is bad because this is difficult to share... Anyway, long story cut short is that she went out with "The Girls" from work, met up with him in the city, and went home with him for the night. It took her about 5 DAYS to tell me that, i was physically sick when i heard. Suffice to say it's over between us, and i have been to the lowest state in my life in the last 10 weeks. I have really started to pull my life together now, been working out at the gym, lost 15kgs already and am looking great, got a new job, car, and met some great friends so yes i'm very lucky you could say, i know it doesn't work that well for alot of poor cheat victims. Everything was going great, and Gym especially was my escape, i could just go let all my cares go for that 2 hours. Until SHE decided to start going aswell... Now i know her friends at work told her i go there, because i see them all the time, every time i look over at her, she is looking so happy, like a Revlon commercial or something, it's almost too obvious that she's trying to rub it in to make me hurt.The only thing that makes me feel a bit better is that i am really starting to shape up, and it shows that i can be the best person possible, even without her. I know breakups take time, and it will probly be hard for the next 3-6 months more, but what bothering me is the thoughts that i still have towards her. When i saw her at the Gym, i couldn't help but check her out, she hadn't shaped up anymore than she already was, but for some reason i still had this massive physical attraction to her. I am really resentful for what she did to me, but for some reason i still really desire her, i know it's crazy considering the sex was nothing special at all. I just feel like i'm some kind of sicko for having these thoughts, and i hate that i still have daydreams about those things with her. How can you borderline hate someone, but still want to have them??? Am i crazy?, i have been seeing a psychologist about the whole situation, he thinks i'm handling it really well, but i just wanted to share this and see if anyone else understands what i'm going through. This is my first post so i'm sorry if i went into to much detail...
lostmirthfulness Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 How can you borderline hate someone, but still want to have them??? Am i crazy?. I'll do ya better then that! How can you feel that way, after that person has done stuff that can be viewed as spitting in your face, how can you feel that way after the person who said she had wanted to marry you, is in a VERY committed relationship not even 4 weeks after the split? I know how ya feel dude and as far as sexual desire goes, I hate to use the adage, but there are plenty of better fish in the sea.
Author Jonboy101 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Thanks man, i know hat you mean, the funny part is that she slept with him, 2 days later he told her he was interested in another girl, and now she has still chased him for the last 2 months!!!
Tincup Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I actually know what you are going through. I was married for 15 years to a lady that I adored like nothing else in this world. She changed almost over night into a completely different person than the one I was married to. Same things happened too me...her cell phone went into hiding (even under her pillow at night) so she could get his texts. Ladies night out ended the same in my case. I found out that the guy was my son's baseball coach...a few days after we separated he moved in with her..I know you don't feel this way, but in a sense you are lucky that your X was honest and told you. Mine denied the affair the whole time. Kinda makes you feel at times that you are losing your mind. I wondered as well why I desired something that I hated so bad. I think a bit of that is normal as you were in love with them. You can't lose that overnight, it takes time. Time does heal all wounds, you will be fine (although I might go find another gym).
RedDevil66 Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Sounds to me like your ex is jealous that you moved on with you life and her little ego is so bruised she wants to make sure she rubs it in your face. That is EVIL! Go to the gym at a different time. And you are NOT crazy, she sounds like the crazy one. I have to say, you are doing a GREAT job at healing. Keep it up and don't let her evilness get to you
Tincup Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 RedDevil makes some very good points here...including one that I had forgot. Be prepared for her to possibly show a good amount of anger toward you. Mine was very angry at a certain point because I had moved on with my life and was doing just fine without her. I remember asking a close friend of mine why my ex was so angry toward me when she got everything that she "wanted"? The response was that I had moved on and that my ex did not like the fact that I did not fall apart..You are doing great.
Author Jonboy101 Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 (edited) I just want to say thank you so much for your input guys, it is really helpful to have some support from people who are not involved in the situation, who just have the facts. Tincup, she was totally NOT honest with me, it took her a good 2 months to admit something was going down, and even then, it took another week after she slept with him for her to tell me that, meanwhile she was still living with me. I'll never forget, i took her to a relationship councilor, she sat there for an hour saying how she just wanted to be single from now on and get her life right with god, and that she didn't need any relationship in her life anymore. She didn't actually come clean about him, until i asked her, in the last 2 mins of a one hour session... We drove home for about 40 mins, i said absolutely nothing for 30, she was going crazy she was like "Yell at me, hit me, just say something please!", but i didn't, i thought no she doesn't even deserve a response. After i cooled down a bit i sat in the car with her at home and basically said that, even though that was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to me, i still loved her, and i was willing to go to councilling and try to work through this together. She was responding well to it all, until i gave her my one condition, which was that she needed to lose his number, and change hers, she just couldn't seem to make that promise. Anyway, we agreed that we were going to give things a go, so we had dinner, and went to bed. I had a horrible dream about her having sex with this guy, woke up at 3am, rolled over and said "Did you use protection?", she instantly said "Yes of course", i responded with, "DID YOU?" once again she was like, Jon, yes i did. Something sounded off in her voice so i came back one last time.. "Don't lie to me", there was a long silence, then she said "....no". I odon't know why, but something just snapped inside me, it wasn't for fear of STD's or anything, just that she would let another man do that to her.... I went and threw up in the bathroom, came back in, turned on the light and said "I'm done with you, you make me sick, literally". And that was pretty much when things took the final turn from bad, to worse, to no coming back... Edited November 22, 2009 by Jonboy101 spelling
RedDevil66 Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Jon you are very strong. Most people would hover and not leave. Like I said before, keep looking after you. Some amazing lady is going to see what a great catch you are. And when you find a great lady, you make sure you bring her to your gym :-)
HokeyPokey Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 That's horrible, but at least it's better it happened now than when you got married. She isn't worth your time. The attraction will fade once the emotions have settled and you can see and think clearly again. I was dumped by a total jerk, but felt ridiculous magnetism towards him regardless. Thought I'd never move on. Six months later I ended up meeting the best guy ever who could have been a Calvin Klein model. Now working on getting over that one....
Author Jonboy101 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Thanks guys, im off to gym again tonight, got a feeling it will happen again, but i can handle it this time! Thanks to you all!
Recommended Posts