espinasdulces Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Okay, To begin I am using this as a springboard to get my frustration out instead of doing something insanely dumb. My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for almost a month and I initiated NC just a few days ago. He called me today to tell me that his father may have cancer and he really needs someone to talk to. Being the dumbass that I am, I text him back asking him if he is okay and if he needs anything. Does he need to chat and have a beer over it? When he calls, he acts as calm as a cucumber. That his dad is going in on Tuesday, he is flying back home on Wednesday and we will see how it goes. Then says gotta go, going out with S ( his best friend) to get my mind off of this. I feel like an idiot, am I just an emotional punching bag to use just to have me feel sorry for him and then when he does he just goes away. I called him back and said was that all you wanted, he said yeah I just wanted a phone call. I said" Well, I just am a little upset that it was just a phone call when I was ready to be a friend". He responded" I can't believe you want to start an argument when I am going through this, don't call me back". What did I do, I did. And he ignored me. I called back 8 times ( not helping the cause) to try to explain on the phone that I was not trying to be rude. But that I just expected a bit more that he wanted a friend. Perhaps, I am overreacting. But it really hurts that I just want to be there for him and I feel like I am just his emotional dumptank. Am I wrong for wanting to cut him off unless he really wants a friend? Or am I being selfish?
melja Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 You need to look at the bigger picture. Just look at this from his point of view, he found out his dad has cancer, he is scared and reaching out to you, and you verbally abuse him. Have a little compassion. You owe him a massive apology. Try to stop feeling sorry for your self and understand other people. Do you really want to be a person who yells at the most important people in your life? Try compassion, understanding and discussing things with other people looking for win-win outcomes. If he accepts your apology, you could find that he turns to you as he deals with this and you could deepen your friendship or rekindle things. Stop making it about you when he really needs all the friends he can get.
GrayClouds Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Am I wrong for wanting to cut him off unless he really wants a friend? Or am I being selfish? It sounds like he already has friends, you need to just take care of yourself, including full NC. Let him worry about himself you focus on yourself.
Author espinasdulces Posted November 21, 2009 Author Posted November 21, 2009 I Sent him a text to apologize since he will not pick up. I guess I didn't fully disclose our relationship to say that he has a tendency to be very dramatic and I tend to come to his every movement only to be told it's not good enough. I guess, I expected a bit more from him and I was ready to jump ship and be there for him in anyway possible. I guess, I just let my own feelings get in the way because he didn't need me there as I thought he would.
discombobulated Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I just have to say, iv been there...it sucks ass......The ebst advice I can gove you, is to find what makes you happy. Use all of your free time to do you! Then the next time mr.buut head callls you to feed you his emotional diharhea..however its spelled, your either going to be over his garbage, or youll know how to recover if he tries to pull that **** on you again. lotsa love, stay strong.
Author espinasdulces Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Thank you for advice. I told him yesterday that I feel guilty not being able to help him through this but when he decided not to be a relationship anymore, he made a choice. He doesn't get to pick and choose who gets to care about him or what parts of me he wants. He either gets everything that I offer or none of it. He made a choice and I need to move on.
Boundary Problem Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Difficult situation. Depends how well you can compartmentalize and how many other demands are on your time. Just cut way way back in the time you give him. But make sure he isn't drowning is my advice. Recently something similar happened to me and I sacrificed so much time for the person and that really negatively affected other parts of my life (basically gave up several days of work to help him). So some of us are too giving and caring, to a fault. It is hard to know where to draw the line. I don't have the answers, I'm just saying I have the same problem.
Boundary Problem Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Perhaps, I am overreacting. But it really hurts that I just want to be there for him and I feel like I am just his emotional dumptank. Am I wrong for wanting to cut him off unless he really wants a friend? Or am I being selfish? As long as you are sure he is not drowning, then yes cut him off. A relationship is like a mini-economy of supply and demand. When they are drowning the relationship becomes unbalanced in their favour. It is next to impossible to walk away from someone who is drowning and who is genuinely trying to learn to swim (and making progress). But once they are safely moving forward on their own momentum, then you have to either reinstate the healthy balance relationship (where both parties are having their needs met without a bunch of dramatic bs), or you likely have to go NC. People who take without giving are "users". They can be very intelligent and are manipulative. Remember the fable about the scorpion and the frog? Never turn your back on them. It is the reality. They have their own vulnerabilities and blindspots though, and you can hide in those when you need a break. I guess what I'm saying is that you have to have your own boundaries, because due to the nature of a user, they are instinctively watching to see if you are manning your borders. And if you aren't, well .... all's fair... What is charming is when they man your border for you, if you happen to be asleep at the wheel. As I said, they do have their vulnerabilities and loyalties. But they find it excruciating, and they would much rather you man your own border, and it is pretty rare that you find one that covers for you when you take a break. As I said, they can be very loyal people, but their nature is what it is.
trueblue72ny Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I agree looking at the bigger picture comment. Right now you are fixated on the emotional part of it, trying to be there, being a friend. Maybe even holding out hope, who knows. But you don’t really want to be just friends do you? I would guess no. and judging by what you have told us, how he talks to you, my suggestion, from an outside perspective, maybe you should fixate on yourself, keep going nc and just do your best to take care of yourself. If he wanted to be with you, he would be calling oyu to go out, and not his best friend over this. right? Right now you are just being used as a doormat. having an ill family member is not fun, but that doesn’t give him the right to use you like a doormat. You have feelings too. I give you points for calling him back and giving him a piece of your mind.
Narf Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 I agree with what others have said... But believe me it is so very hard to look at the bigger picture when you have just been crushed by the person... In all honesty what do you desire from him? To get back with him? If that is the case then being there for him will be so so hard cause your expectations will be higher then he is willing to meet... You are kinda damned if you do damned if you dont... Talk to him and try help him but you will have to deal with feeling used, hard done by and angry... ( i.e choosing him) Or stay no contact and slowly heal from what has happened (i.e choosing you) Neither are easy or nice... but hey it wasnt your decision for the relationship to end.
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