Teuto Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I have a problem with relationships - they always cause me varying degrees of anxiety, sometimes overwhelming and seemingly permanent. Sooner or later it gets too much and I have to end it. Curiously, 'staying friends' afterwards can cause me just as much if not more anxiety. It feel like I am doomed to be alone unless I can ovecome this. I should add that I am not in good health anyway (I have a sleep disorder and chronic fatigue) and am prone to anxiety anyway, not just about relationships. I was wondering if anyone else can relate to this and how they cope.
mickleb Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 It could be commitment phobia. You could try reading something by Stephen Carter and think about whether it applies to you.
Ilovecake Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I have a problem with relationships - they always cause me varying degrees of anxiety, sometimes overwhelming and seemingly permanent. Sooner or later it gets too much and I have to end it. Curiously, 'staying friends' afterwards can cause me just as much if not more anxiety. It feel like I am doomed to be alone unless I can ovecome this. I should add that I am not in good health anyway (I have a sleep disorder and chronic fatigue) and am prone to anxiety anyway, not just about relationships. I was wondering if anyone else can relate to this and how they cope. I can relate to this more than you know. Sorry this might be a little long but it might help you, I hope. Every relationship I've been in I've ended up having terrible anxiety attacks. The last one I actually didn’t in the beginning which I think is partly why I fell so hard for this guy. I finally felt comfortable with someone and didn’t experience that fear. He cheated on me and I took him back which was a big mistake after that the anxiety started slowly creeping in. Of course about 3 months before we broke up I started having debilitating panic attacks and depression. My first serious relationship was at the age of 18. That’s when I first started having panic attacks but didn’t know what they were. All I knew was that I wanted to throw up every time before I saw my boyfriend. He was seeing other people; he was 10 years older than me and was the ex-boyfriend of a close friend. No wonder I felt like crap. I was with him for 3 years and things only got worse. My second serious relationship started at 23. This guy was wonderful and I still believe he was the love of my life but I had to end it because of the anxiety. He was in a semi famous band and would travel a lot. I would panic for months until he got home. I started wanting to hang out with him and his friends less and less until we were living two separate lives, so I ended it. Still regret it till this day. Now that I look back on those relationships I see things that were happening that were not conducive to my happiness. Here are the reasons I figured out for my anxiety: 1. My brain is telling me something is wrong and I need to get out. 2. I have terrible abandonment issues because my dad died when I was a baby and my mother remarried a few times so through my childhood every man I ever got close to either died or went away. 3. I get anxious when I know the relationship is ending or something is happening in the relationship that is not good for me and I need to get out. The trying to stay friends caused me the most anxiety at the end of my last relationship. It was because I knew that I was doing something that was counterproductive to my healing and that I should stay away from him but couldn’t. Now I look at it as a warning sing from my brain that it’s seriously time to revaluate my situation and change something. My problem is that I put all of myself into these relationships and the harder I try to make them work the worse the anxiety gets. I still need to learn that it’s OK to let go if things aren’t working out instead of trying everything to make them work and sweeping my feelings under the rug. It’s extremely important to go to therapy and learn the reasons why you are having these reactions and to really get to know yourself and what your needs are. You are obviously working really hard to maintain relationships that are not good for you and your body is reacting. You need to find out why, what and who or it will only get worse.
Edward10 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Surround yourself with good people. Everyone has their issues. I think it is important to be with people that don't make fun of your issues. My mom gets panic attacks and my dad makes fun of her. Not a good dynamic. It is a nightmare diriving in a vehicle with the two of them.
Ilovecake Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 My mom gets panic attacks and my dad makes fun of her. Not a good dynamic. It is a nightmare diriving in a vehicle with the two of them. That's horrible. Have you ever said anything to your dad about that?
Edward10 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 That's horrible. Have you ever said anything to your dad about that? No one tells my dad anything. I moved out at 18 and never looked back.
Ilovecake Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 No one tells my dad anything. I moved out at 18 and never looked back. Well I'm sorry you had to see your mother be treated that way.
Author Teuto Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Here are the reasons I figured out for my anxiety: 1. My brain is telling me something is wrong and I need to get out. 2. I have terrible abandonment issues because my dad died when I was a baby and my mother remarried a few times so through my childhood every man I ever got close to either died or went away. 3. I get anxious when I know the relationship is ending or something is happening in the relationship that is not good for me and I need to get out. The trying to stay friends caused me the most anxiety at the end of my last relationship. It was because I knew that I was doing something that was counterproductive to my healing and that I should stay away from him but couldn’t./QUOTE] Thanks so much for this. Reasons 1 and 3 sound so much like me. Your comment about being counterproductive to healing is so the case with me too. Not sure if it's commitment phobia if the anxiety is as bad or worse when "just friends". She doesn't really want to be friends in my opinion - she wants either to have break-up sex or probably get back together if she can. Neither are a good idea. If there had been less tension and easier conversation in the relationship, more chemistry, and less points scoring and more acceptance and emotional support on her part, I might not have felt so much anxiety (i.e. a signal to run, probably). The big problem is that it feels like every relationship I have ever had has caused me anxiety, and this really upsets me. Again, ilovecake, thanks for sharing as you have helped me a lot.
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