loca Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 My husband and I married in May, we lived together after that for three months and he then decided he wanted a divorce (this was in September). I was on Yaz birth control and it made me depressed, no sex drive, and I just wasn't myself. Right before he left I went to the doctor and asked her to change it because of the side effects. She did so, and I felt so much better, but by that time he had already left. My husband was always very sweet to me, I am 33, he is 28 and we don't have any kids and this is our first marriage. My husband was the type of man that would cook dinner, clean the house, leave love notes around the house, and would send me text messages telling me to have a great day. He says he wants a divorce because he says I was "mean". I would lose my temper when we would argue. He has a best friend (male) who would always talk bad about me. My husband refused to tell his friend to respect me. I even talked to the friend on one occasion and asked him to just respect me as my husband's wife. The friend told me "no". He said he had too many "issues" with me to respect me. My husband told me his friend "doesn't have to respect you." He has also told me that since me and the best friend can't get along we might as well divorce! I have to say I have always respected the friend, and I have even invited him into my home, knowing how bad he talks about me. I made my mistakes in the marriage, I realize this. I wish I could go back in time and appreciate him more, and show more love and affection But, I was also pulling the weight of the household bills (husband moved in with me), and I tried to make my husband's life as easy as possible (even hiring someone to cut the grass and I was working my second job when he was out on his boat after he finished work). My husband purchased online divorce papers and will not file them. I told him I was getting an attorney and he gets mad at me. When I ask him if we can work things out he says "not anytime soon." He has since moved back into his home (he had it up for sale when we were together). When I told him I was taking him off as my beneficery he acted surprised. I asked him if he wants me to file and he said "if you want to." I asked him today if he misses me and he said "of course." I have to say I love my husband with all my heart and I don't want a divorce. I am almost positive there is no other woman. I must also add that I haven't given him much space since the seperation. I text him almost daily, and he text me back. If I am talking about anything but us he seems engaged in the conversation, but if I mention missing him, etc then he shuts down.... How long should I give it before I file? Like I said, I really don't want a divorce at all. But, I don't want to put my life on hold for someone who no longer wants me. How can I tell if he has his mind made up or if he just needs some time without me?
mark982 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 your post leaves me confused, one 1 hand you say your husband does all this stuff around the house,but you gotta pay someone to cut the grass. but a guy valueing his friendship,more than his wife. you said there's no other woman,maybe him and the friend are better friends than you think:o
Author loca Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 He did help me out with the house, but I also tried to make things a little easier on him because of his long work hours. I have honestly wondered about the friend also, because I have found out via phone records that they talk between 3-4 hours a day when they are at work (they both have a bluetooth). My husband has never shown signs to me that he is gay. With the exception of course putting his friend first and the LONG phone calls!
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 "I am almost positive there is no other woman" It sounds too much like other stories that almost always involve another woman. Trust me. I would investigate LOCA and then if you find evidence expose it to him. If there is no affair you will not find anything. If there is well he will never try to fix the Marriage until the Affair is OVER. GOOD LUCK. Sorry you are going through this. I can tell you that you need to keep posting your story here - you will get great advice from folks who have been there and it should make you feel better that you have a support group. PEACE!
GorillaTheater Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 You know, I was going to suggest that the friend didn't treat you very kindly because he didn't like the way you were treating your husband/his friend. But I have yet to meet the straight dude that yaks that much on the phone with another guy if he doesn't have to.
Author loca Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Well, let me put it this way... I have done some investigating, and no evidence of another woman. Now, I haven't hidden in the bushes or stalked him:). But, I have used what I have- snooped and found nothing. I just say almost positive because when you don't live together (and sometimes even when you do) you can't account for every moment of that other person (know what I mean). I've been cheated on before and I haven't seen any of those signs.
Author loca Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Gorilla- my hsuband said the same thing (about his friend not liking me). I have to say I am not perfect, but husband warned me before I met his bf. He told me his bf doesn't like any of the girls he dated. And, I can be mean at times, but I think problem was every time we had disagreement my husband would run and tell his bf. This made me look bad, I am sure he never heard about the good things. We would be laying in bed and my husband would say "dustin was right"
FeelingLonely98 Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Well, let me put it this way... I have done some investigating, and no evidence of another woman. Now, I haven't hidden in the bushes or stalked him:). But, I have used what I have- snooped and found nothing. I just say almost positive because when you don't live together (and sometimes even when you do) you can't account for every moment of that other person (know what I mean). I've been cheated on before and I haven't seen any of those signs. Well loca - My gut feeling is that if you ARE right then he will probably never want to come back. Reason is because if there was someone else, sometimes by exposing it it will open their eyes and they will what a good thing almost screwed up. Maybe you should try NC and do a 180? This might snap him out of it. GOOD LUCK. Keep posting here as the days go by. That WILL help (in more ways than one), trust me.
Ody Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 (edited) it made me depressed, no sex drive, and I just wasn't myself [...] He says he wants a divorce because he says I was "mean". I would lose my temper when we would argue. Everyone is bringing up other women, homosexuality, whatever but I want to point out this might be overcomplicating it. Your husband may have been telling you the truth about why he wants a divorce. I would certainly divorce a woman who yelled at me a lot, especially if there were significant sexual and emotional problems to boot, and if the marriage was short enough that I could see it as cutting my losses before they got worse. For me, a woman telling at me is a complete and non negotiable deal breaker. You didn't mention if he yelled back, I am not trying to make the arguing seem one sided if it is not. But the fact you say you "lost your temper" makes me think maybe you were the aggressor in these arguments...? The hetero life mate thing and the beneficiary confusion and the not actually filing the papers after months are weird to me, I really don't have any guesses to explain them. Maybe he's the type to make big gestures to try to make a point (unhappy with sex and yelling) but not follow all the way through? I don't know. Good luck. Edited November 22, 2009 by Ody
Author loca Posted November 22, 2009 Author Posted November 22, 2009 Ody-I think you have hit the nail on the head because I would get upset and yell. My husband would not yell back, he is very introverted and would just run back to his own home. I am in marriage counseling right now (alone) and I am working on changing that. I am the type who says hurtful things during arguments and while past boyfriends either overlooked it, or stood up to me my husband did not. He has told me that he didn't want to live lfe "that way." I admit how I behaved and I want to change because I need to. I allow my emotions to get the best of me. I never knew I had hurt him as bad as I did until he left. Thanks for ur post.
carhill Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Personally, I'd call this one done. I've lived it. Only significant difference is my bf loved my stbx like family. Let's be honest here; if this were a guy posting, he'd get piled on like a second-string halfback. I think it's time for a little equal opportunity. Work your stuff out and understand that, sometimes, actions have consequences which can't be fixed. Best wishes
SRV Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Ody-I think you have hit the nail on the head because I would get upset and yell. My husband would not yell back, he is very introverted and would just run back to his own home. I am in marriage counseling right now (alone) and I am working on changing that. I am the type who says hurtful things during arguments and while past boyfriends either overlooked it, or stood up to me my husband did not. He has told me that he didn't want to live lfe "that way." I admit how I behaved and I want to change because I need to. I allow my emotions to get the best of me. I never knew I had hurt him as bad as I did until he left. Thanks for ur post. The bolded parts breed resentment, kill the love the person has, you are lucky he stayed this long. And you wonder why his best friend resents you? Work on your anger management issues, try not to repeat the same mistakes. Good luck.
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