Online guy travelling thousands of miles accross the atlantic to meet me! :)

November 21, 2009

Not being funny, but for those assuming hes only after a fun vacation before heading out to the army and nothing more - why p*** on my bonfire soooo much?! What if - shocker - he feels he really likes me already and is just taking the next step with good intentions of us ending up together if it works out???

And what is the next step to you OP? A relationship? Surely he and you can't know that is the next step when you have not met in person. I'm just being logical and realistic. Something anyone should be when having someone you never met fly out to you, instead of planning on how the relationship will be.

For those who feel they have had crap lives and therefore want to take it out on everyone else on here just stop it, please stop it. Believe me I have been through very bad times in my life in every aspect - friends, bullying, dysfunctional family who dont care about me, domestic violence, terrible luck with guys until now, health scares etc - but I am not bitter and nasty to anyone, I remain optimistic and kind to others. And I do not try to ruin others happiness or put a damper on potential happy situations unless I feel it will be detrimental to them.

Just because some of us are being reasonable and logical about the situation, does not mean we are taking anything out on you. There's nothing wrong with being happy. But I fear you are setting yourself up for a downfall. I'm looking at the obvious here, based on your information :

1 - he lives at home until he heads out to the army.

2 - By the time he gets back, using your information, it will Feb 2011. He'll be living with his parents until June of 2010.

3 - He's coming out, but not only have you not asked what he's looking for (you assumed) he has not asked either (which might mean he doesn't care because he just wants to go have a fun vacation).

4 - How do you honestly plan to start dating a guy who wont really be ready for anything serious for another a year and three months?

5 - At which time he's going to be busy with work and building his home.

Then based on relationships

6 - You have not and will have a hard time created a bond and foundation for a solid relationship to make it through the hardships because of the LD.

You see, I'm not raining on a parade here. I'm just looking at the obvious. I know how it feels to be super excited about the idea of a new relationship and let down because it didn't go as I had it planned in my head. Sometimes it is fun to plan future events and talk about them, but then you have look at the whole picture, is it really going to happen given the situation.

I know exactly how you feel OP, I really do.

However, coming on here has raised some issues. Perhaps I should have found out his intentions and checked whether he was married etc from the start - but when we first began talking I thought this would not even progress anyway due to the distance. Then he suggested visiting and made it clear pretty quickly that he would like to take things further in real life. One would also assume guys are normally pretty honest with these sorts of things - if he had a kid surely he would have mentioned it?! We have not even discussed such things, therefore for all he knows I could be married/divorced/a baby mama and he wouldnt even know! I guess hes assuming Im single with no baggage.

Or he could be assuming this information doesn't matter for him, if he is just looking to have a fun time or two before he heads out for the army.

I stopped assuming when I realized assuming is what leads to finding out things just aren't what they seem. Facts speak louder then assumptions.

November 21, 2009

At least with someone at work, you'll be able to ask about him. Lies or misconceptions are harder to maintain in person. Phone conversations you don't pick up on the facial expressions or body language. Emails you have time to think how you want to work this or that.

I said 'someone at work whom you've never spoken to, just exchanged a few smiles with'. Of course speaking IRL is better. But lots of people go on dates with people whom they've barely even spoken to, when they haven't even had the chance to know anything about the other person, be it truth or lie. Yet nobody on this board ever seemed to find fault with it.

To me, a stranger is someone I haven't met in person. I can read a person IRL better then I can over the phone or email.

There's nothing much to read if you've never spoken to someone.

I'm not arguing with you with here, but OP is willing to have him in her house and go away with him to another hotel. If she where meeting a guy for one night, out in a public place, and make this the routine until she gets to know him, she'd reduce the risk of something bad. If there is something wrong with him, I'm willing to bed he's going to have a great act for the first few meetings seeing how has he spent the money to fly over.

He can act all he likes. Guys who bring their ladies out to expensive dates can act all they like too, but it doesn't mean the lady has to return to his house with him, does it? And plenty of people here see nothing wrong with a girl going to a guy's house on the first or second date anyway. She did agree to meet him in public first and see how it goes.

But I'm assuming if she'd met this guy at a sports club, they wouldn't be going on a trip to London sharing a hotel room with in a few 'dates'.

So, you disagree with any girls going to a guy's room within a few dates?

If it happens how she wants it to - that's great - but if I were here, I'd be more cautious and realistic about the situation.

What do you expect her to do, then? She's already taken all the requisite cautionary measures that many people don't even take on their first date.

November 21, 2009

Just wanted to say....

While the OP obviously needs to take precautions and be on the look out, there is always a chance that this guy could be sincere and really like her so far. Sounds to me they have spoken almost 4 months, NOT just a couple. August until now is way over two months time. Believe it or not, you can get to know a lot of about someone by just talking. Of course, to get to know the entire package you have to actually meet them and be together. I do think she should have discussed his actual intentions up front, just to make sure. The thing is, he could have still lied and said "yes, I want something serious". So who cares? People do this every day. She will just have to be careful and find out for herself in person. Take a chance.

So what if he is traveling overseas? He's in the army, I'm sure its nothing to him. I think a lot of army guys would like to meet someone special, and have them there when they return. He is going off for a matter of months, so he could be worried about meeting someone, and is willing to travel the distance for them. Maybe there seems to be a really good connection, despite them actually meeting.

By the way, there is a big difference between being realistic and just plain

pessimistic. Some people on here just can't stand the thought of someone else seeking happiness.

November 21, 2009

I said 'someone at work whom you've never spoken to, just exchanged a few smiles with'. Of course speaking IRL is better. But lots of people go on dates with people whom they've barely even spoken to, when they haven't even had the chance to know anything about the other person, be it truth or lie. Yet nobody on this board ever seemed to find fault with it.

There's nothing much to read if you've never spoken to someone.

He can act all he likes. Guys who bring their ladies out to expensive dates can act all they like too, but it doesn't mean the lady has to return to his house with him, does it? And plenty of people here see nothing wrong with a girl going to a guy's house on the first or second date anyway. She did agree to meet him in public first and see how it goes.

So, you disagree with any girls going to a guy's room within a few dates?

What do you expect her to do, then? She's already taken all the requisite cautionary measures that many people don't even take on their first date.

Under normal circumstances I would make a man wait quite a few weeks before even sleeping with him, however I do not have the luxury of being able to wait in this situation. But then, I have been talking to him since August and have got to know him that way for a few months anyway, so it actually feels like there is alot of suspense already - its not like Im meeting a local person who I have only known for a few days then sleeping with him straight away - I feel me and online guy have built up a bit of a relationship to some extent anyway.

November 21, 2009

Just do whatever feels right and safe to you. Don't feel pressured to sleep with him just because he spent all that money, but don't hold back just because of what some people here are saying.

November 21, 2009

I'm curious, what precautionary measures where taken?

And again, like I said, I don't think it's healthy that OP already has this relationship planned out in her head (I.E. Relocating). She's on a different level then this guy already. I'm concerned for OP in the manner that if it's not his intentions (which I see nothing that shows it is his intentions) to have a relationship, she's going to be terribly let down.

November 21, 2009

Read back a few posts and you'll find them.

Yes, he might not want to have a relationship, but it's always a risk to take the first step, with anyone!

November 21, 2009

And again, like I said, I don't think it's healthy that OP already has this relationship planned out in her head (I.E. Relocating).

I can appreciate this concern, and it is why I'm of the philosophy that, when two people find symmetry and/or a 'connection', that should be brought into real life, flesh pressing, close physical contact as soon as possible, without building up any sort of 'virtual' relationship. This generally obviates the potential for making life plans with someone one has never met in person based on virtual feelings.

I hope the OP tempers that very real and healthy optimism with a sense of balance about all this, especially so as not to be disappointed by what real life brings, which is rarely equivalent to what we concoct in our minds and hearts.

Best wishes for a positive outcome

November 21, 2009

Read back a few posts and you'll find them.

Yes, he might not want to have a relationship, but it's always a risk to take the first step, with anyone!

Precisely, imagine if everyone thought like that - no one would ever get with anyone!

November 21, 2009

I can appreciate this concern, and it is why I'm of the philosophy that, when two people find symmetry and/or a 'connection', that should be brought into real life, flesh pressing, close physical contact as soon as possible, without building up any sort of 'virtual' relationship. This generally obviates the potential for making life plans with someone one has never met in person based on virtual feelings.

I hope the OP tempers that very real and healthy optimism with a sense of balance about all this, especially so as not to be disappointed by what real life brings, which is rarely equivalent to what we concoct in our minds and hearts.

Best wishes for a positive outcome

Thank you for your kind words.

I am a bit of an over thinker and an idealist -this is why I have romanticised this whole thing, and with my track record of virtually no relationships in the past I think I deserve some happiness this time. I am hoping God is looking after me and bringing me good things now!

If however, online guy turns round and says he is not looking to ever get married or even have a relationship then I will be in pieces, not going to lie about that. But only because I am still very much emotionally scarred from everything thats happened to me in the past, I cannot handle any more emotional pain. And it would not make and sense to me why he would go to all this trouble if he wanted nothing to come of it.

November 21, 2009

Thank you for your kind words.

I am a bit of an over thinker and an idealist -this is why I have romanticised this whole thing, and with my track record of virtually no relationships in the past I think I deserve some happiness this time. I am hoping God is looking after me and bringing me good things now!

If however, online guy turns round and says he is not looking to ever get married or even have a relationship then I will be in pieces, not going to lie about that. But only because I am still very much emotionally scarred from everything thats happened to me in the past, I cannot handle any more emotional pain. And it would not make and sense to me why he would go to all this trouble if he wanted nothing to come of it.

This is exactly why I would proceed with caution instead of dreaming up how wonderful this relationship will turn out.

I'm not saying you don't deserve happiness - I haven't said that once. I'm saying you're jumping head first into an idea of a relationship that may not happen.

I've answered why he would go to all this trouble. Some people like a get-away to have fun, and relax. It doesn't mean he isn't interested, but it also doesn't mean he's looking for a full on ready made relationship.

November 21, 2009

Read back a few posts and you'll find them.

Yes, he might not want to have a relationship, but it's always a risk to take the first step, with anyone!

I never claimed to disagree with this. But how can one find it healthy to have the relationship planned out in one's head already?

November 21, 2009

I never claimed to disagree with this. But how can one find it healthy to have the relationship planned out in one's head already?

You sure seem to get pleasure out of making the OP sound like its all in her head and she is clueless, huh? I think she has made it clear that she is afraid of getting hurt and will be cautious. It's hard not to get excited when you think you may have something to look forward to for once. This guy may or may not be genuine, but only one way to find out.

If you talk to someone for months prior to meeting, most of the time, you can get a fairly good sense as to whether you could trust them when meeting. As long as she meets in public place, and I would suggest letting someone else know that he is coming to town, his name and whereabouts.

I personally can't imagine a guy going to such trouble just for some type of fling. It does happen though, you never know what people's real intentions are. Again, you have to try to find out and be careful while doing it.

November 21, 2009

You sure seem to get pleasure out of making the OP sound like its all in her head and she is clueless, huh? I think she has made it clear that she is afraid of getting hurt and will be cautious. It's hard not to get excited when you think you may have something to look forward to for once. This guy may or may not be genuine, but only one way to find out.

But is it really being cautious when assuming this is how it is going to be? Is it being cautious planning out the relationship before meeting?

There's a line between being excited about a new prospect and realizing that it's not a relationship yet, and it could easily come off needy and over bearing to have one person plan it all out before it even happens (the relationship).

And yes, she's afraid of getting hurt, so why not ease that fear a bit, and don't build up the notion of the relationship before knowing what this guy wants?

If you talk to someone for months prior to meeting, most of the time, you can get a fairly good sense as to whether you could trust them when meeting. As long as she meets in public place, and I would suggest letting someone else know that he is coming to town, his name and whereabouts.

Reread CarHill's post on building it all over all those conversations before meeting. He makes a great point.

I personally can't imagine a guy going to such trouble just for some type of fling. It does happen though, you never know what people's real intentions are. Again, you have to try to find out and be careful while doing it.

I can imagine a guy doing it. It wouldn't be the strangest thing if he wanted to take a vacation before heading off to the army, and wanted some female company.

Some people like the no strings attached fun week vacay. And sometimes it's fun to think of other fun vacays to do later on. But that doesn't mean the person wants a relationship. OP does. And OP said herself, she'd be crushed if it doesn't turn out that way. Chances are, if she would have not built up such a fantasy in her head, she'd be less crushed if it doesn't turn out for her. If it does turn out for her, then she could be delightfully surprised.

November 21, 2009

Oh brother, clearly someone has not had any experience conversing by phone or chatting for a great amount of time PRIOR to meeting a human being in person. If you have never done it, you will not understand it one bit. Some people enjoy beating a dead horse. I think the OP and everyone else realizes there are risks, and if she really wants to meet him, then take the chance, but be careful.

Telling her she made up a fantasy in her head. Nice choice of wording, by the way. I do think she shouldn't expect too much or she will get hurt. She needs to be cautious, and a suggest discussing his real intentions now, whether the trip has already been planned or not. You can be realistic about this, but how dang pessimistic, can one be.

November 21, 2009

Oh brother, clearly someone has not had any experience conversing by phone or chatting for a great amount of time PRIOR to meeting a human being in person. If you have never done it, you will not understand it one bit. Some people enjoy beating a dead horse. I think the OP and everyone else realizes there are risks, and if she really wants to meet him, then take the chance, but be careful.

I have done online dating. having months of prior conversations on the phone and through email. I understand it quite a bit. You get an idea in your head based on words, not actions.

Telling her she made up a fantasy in her head. Nice choice of wording, by the way. I do think she shouldn't expect too much or she will get hurt. She needs to be cautious, and a suggest discussing his real intentions now, whether the trip has already been planned or not. You can be realistic about this, but how dang pessimistic, can one be.

Well it's not a reality when the guy has not told her he wanted something serious with her.

Would it be better for everyone to tell her Yay! He def sounds like he wants a relationship with you, go for it! And for her to become yet even more sure it's going to be a relationship, then when it isn't, she's crushed that much more?

This isn't like meeting someone a few hours away, or around the corner.

November 22, 2009

I think this guy has a strong desire to fulfill his fantasy of meeting someone across the globe in hopes of romance. He could also be a go-getter with a decisive personality.

Whatever happens.. make sure you post the results

November 22, 2009

He could also be a go-getter with a decisive personality.

Sounds like a man with confidence (and leadership qualities).

November 22, 2009

Thanks BeautifulMan and BoundaryProblem, I do like a guy who is confident and knows what he wants and online guy definately has those qualities amongst many others!

He gets here in 18 days and counting, yikes!

I will keep you posted on the outcome...

November 22, 2009

Youre a girl!!!!!

I would of never guessed it from your posts.

LOL ya I'm a girl!! Not the first time I've been told I have a guy mentality though...

November 22, 2009

He gets here in 18 days and counting, yikes!
...

So, what are you going to wear? Men don't like a woman who looks too slutty.

November 22, 2009

Then he suggested visiting and made it clear pretty quickly that he would like to take things further in real life.

OK, I totally missed this part. What did he say about taking things further, apart from wanting to meet you in person?

And I'm really not trying to rain on your parade, just trying to keep you from getting too far ahead of yourself before you know what he wants out of the deal.

November 22, 2009

So, what are you going to wear? Men don't like a woman who looks too slutty.

Dont worry I do not dress that way.

I am a pretty dress sort of girl, very feminine but with a quirky twist - love my bright colours and unusual clothes!

November 22, 2009

God there are a bunch of idiotic responses on this thread, and all in a day's time or so.

If the original poster can assure us that her correspondence with the overseas guy has happened just about every day for three months or so, then the whole picture seems perfectly fine!

IF the guy was a scam artist, he wouldn't have to wait three months for someone to scam. (I can see potential issues with gaining entrance via marriage to another country in cases such as this, so if he wants to marry her on the 3rd day of the upcoming visit, then that would be a warning bell)

Of course it feels largely uncertain to the original poster, and most of that is normal. For the time being, try to make the visit as predictable to both of you as possible.

Give the guy considerable details about various little restaurants and shops near to you, and about various spots you are inclined to take him, show him. For the time being, spend your effort trying to bring his mind's expectations very near to what his mind will see/sense during his visit.

I don't care if you have one arm, no legs, and no hair... if you tell him those elements about you, and his mind expects them, he will be far more open to them than if there are any big surprise factors.

If you plan to be wearing crotchless red lingerie on that 3rd date, where you're out for dinner, off to a show, and then home to do the nasty... then WEAR crotchless red lingerie.

IF instead you'll wear a chastity belt, then TELL HIM to expect you in a chastity belt.

The most fun part of the whole encounter will be sensing the amount of true familiarity you'll have with this person. When you're out at dinner with this someone you've just met, somehow you'll KNOW instinctively which topics of conversation will flow easily, and that will seem a strange and exciting element.

Just be yourself, and resist any urge to misrepresent yourself, while encouraging him to help bring YOUR mind as near to what YOU should expect from him as well.

And for heaven's sake, IF you are so inclined as to shag this guy within 5 hours of meeting him, that is fine too! How else can a woman have sex with a man she feels she *knows* while at the very same time a man is having sex with a woman he *just met*?

Bottom line, just be yourself... and do your best to bring the expectations of each mind in line with what they will actually experience.

November 22, 2009

OK, I totally missed this part. What did he say about taking things further, apart from wanting to meet you in person?

And I'm really not trying to rain on your parade, just trying to keep you from getting too far ahead of yourself before you know what he wants out of the deal.

He suggested meeting in real life about one month after first talking online. Initially he suggested I fly out to see him but I am the sort of girl who lets guys come to me so I told him I would rather he visited me first which he happily agreed to.

Other things he mentioned were taking me to Hawaii to meet his friends who have just moved out there, and me going to visit him where he lives. He went on to say what we would do/visit in our leisure time whilst Im there. So he has talked about the future, just not actually said the exact words 'I want a relationship'. He also made comments such as how he misses having someone to sleep next to, and how he wants to kiss me all over and hold me all night. Now those are quite loving/romantic statements eh? Not things you would say to a FWB girl, or someone you just wanted a one off fling with.

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