Online guy travelling thousands of miles accross the atlantic to meet me! :)

November 21, 2009

Maybe, maybe not. I know I take my holidays pretty seriously, and a little romantic fling is always a fabulous souvenir.

Look, we're not saying it isn't all you're hoping for. But please stop drawing conclusions before you know the truth about the situation. You're honestly not doing yourself any favors by imagining yourself married and having kids with this guy before you even know whether he shares that generic goal.

Yeah, life and love are about risk. And I think it's great you're going to meet. But I fear you've already figured out a way to make what little you know about his future plans & ambitions compatible with yours, when you have no idea what he's really looking for.

You could say he's in his 30s and never married as an indication that he's obviously ready and just hasn't found the right woman, or you could assume he's in his 30s and never married because he doesn't ever want to get married. Unless you ask, you really have no reason to believe one way or the other.

Perhaps we should have discussed what we were looking for prior to him booking the flights here, and I do regret not asking from the start. But hey, it will add more mystery and give us plenty to talk about when hes here I guess. Really hope, and I am keeping everything crossed that we do both want the same things.

Oh, and he isnt a commitment phobe and aint afraid of marriage, we were casually discussing previous partners and he has had a fiancee at some point, Im not sure how long ago it was or why it didnt work out - but he definately didnt marry her.

November 21, 2009

Are you going to be able to handle it if/when you find out he's not looking for something serious? Or he says he is, when really he was looking for a fun vacation? Maybe he doesn't want a relationship, but wants some female company from time to time. Maybe he wants it that way so he's free to do as he pleases with other females from time to time. Don't you see? You're making up an idea of how it will be when you don't even know. By not being realistic with yourself, you're setting yourself up for a long fall down if things don't go how you want them to. And you don't even know him.

November 21, 2009

You should make sure you bring a friend with you. You must be safe in todays world.

Hugs

November 21, 2009

Are you going to be able to handle it if/when you find out he's not looking for something serious? Or he says he is, when really he was looking for a fun vacation? Maybe he doesn't want a relationship, but wants some female company from time to time. Maybe he wants it that way so he's free to do as he pleases with other females from time to time. Don't you see? You're making up an idea of how it will be when you don't even know. By not being realistic with yourself, you're setting yourself up for a long fall down if things don't go how you want them to. And you don't even know him.

I am just hoping that based on his behaviour so far and also his eagerness, he must be looking for something a bit more meaningful that a bit of casual female company.

I have been thinking of asking him in an email what his intentions are, its been driving me crazy for a while. Do you think I should just ask him online before his trip?

November 21, 2009

You should make sure you bring a friend with you. You must be safe in todays world.

Hugs

Thanks, I will be cautious

November 21, 2009

Well I was thinking like more for an orgy

November 21, 2009

Well I was thinking like more for an orgy

HA! You have a dirtier mind than me!

November 21, 2009

HA! You have a dirtier mind than me!

:bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny::bunny:

November 21, 2009

I am just hoping that based on his behaviour so far and also his eagerness, he must be looking for something a bit more meaningful that a bit of casual female company.

I have been thinking of asking him in an email what his intentions are, its been driving me crazy for a while. Do you think I should just ask him online before his trip?

Um yes. Because you already have it in your head what you think is going to happen. Also, I'd be prepared if he says he wants something meaningful and it doesn't happen. It's easy to want, but to make it work, especially when you don't know each other, it's easier said then done. That's assuming he's not just telling you what you want to hear.

Something still doesn't add up with this, to me. But you're a big girl, and will do what you want.

November 21, 2009

Um yes. Because you already have it in your head what you think is going to happen. Also, I'd be prepared if he says he wants something meaningful and it doesn't happen. It's easy to want, but to make it work, especially when you don't know each other, it's easier said then done. That's assuming he's not just telling you what you want to hear.

Something still doesn't add up with this, to me. But you're a big girl, and will do what you want.

OK I will ask him, but even if he tells me what I dont wanna hear theres no going back - hes coming here no matter what! So not sure how I will cope if I dont get the reply Im hoping for.

When he comes we will get to know each other of course, at this stage we can only know so much about one another.

I know this situation may seem unusual, but it really is happening. Perhaps his intentions are very good, and I really hope they are else this would seem a little pointless. Like I said before, he could just go to a local bar or get a FWB - but hes choosing to meet me, Im assuming he must want more than to just get his end away to go to all this trouble.

November 21, 2009

OK I will ask him, but even if he tells me what I dont wanna hear theres no going back - hes coming here no matter what! So not sure how I will cope if I dont get the reply Im hoping for.

When he comes we will get to know each other of course, at this stage we can only know so much about one another.

I know this situation may seem unusual, but it really is happening. Perhaps his intentions are very good, and I really hope they are else this would seem a little pointless. Like I said before, he could just go to a local bar or get a FWB - but hes choosing to meet me, Im assuming he must want more than to just get his end away to go to all this trouble.

Sigh... I don't think you want to accept any other scenario then the one you painted in your head. For all you know he could be married.

November 21, 2009

Perhaps his intentions are very good, and I really hope they are else this would seem a little pointless. Like I said before, he could just go to a local bar or get a FWB - but hes choosing to meet me, Im assuming he must want more than to just get his end away to go to all this trouble.

This is what you know: The two of you are hitting it off online, and looking foward to hanging out in person. He's planning a really fun, exotic vacation before he ships out.

And that's about all you know for sure.

I don't think he's looking for a FWB, I really don't. But there's a huge leap between FWB and the fantasy you're building up in your head. The more you can clarify before you meet, the softer the fall if, by chance, you don't have the same destination in mind.

Please. Don't. Assume.

November 21, 2009

C'mon guys. Do you really think about all of that before going on a first date? Do you consider why the man is staying at home (do you even know where he's staying??), do you worry about how desperate he is, do you caution people going on first dates that they're building up fantasy in their head...

Or do you just take some precautions, tell yourself to take things as they go, and go for it? There is nothing more dangerous in what she's doing, than accepting a first date from a guy at work whom you've just exchanged smiles with previously.

November 21, 2009

C'mon guys. Do you really think about all of that before going on a first date? Do you consider why the man is staying at home (do you even know where he's staying??), do you worry about how desperate he is, do you caution people going on first dates that they're building up fantasy in their head...

Or do you just take some precautions, tell yourself to take things as they go, and go for it? There is nothing more dangerous in what she's doing, than accepting a first date from a guy at work whom you've just exchanged smiles with previously.

There's a big difference agreeing to a date with someone from work and a man from another country.

I hope he is as tall as he says as I don't like short men!

My advice is to go for it but don't assume too much , that way anything extra will be a welcome surprise. It might be too late in your case though and I can't believe that in your OP you mentioned not knowing if he had children. I would have known everything if I was talking to someone for months.

Anyway , good luck:D

November 21, 2009

What's the difference, if you've never really spoken to the person from work before, whereas you have had 2 months of indepth conversation with the man from the other country? You don't really know both of them, but for some reason the former doesn't seem to trouble most people.

November 21, 2009

See I was thinking he was going to be crashing at your place the entire time.

You know what they say actions speak louder than words. Now you could look at it as "OMG he's flying all the way here for me!!!" Well has he even been to London before? It sounds like he wants to have a nice trip before he ships out. Having company on a trip is always a plus. He's got a pretty decent plan made here.

And also if he owns a construction company in America don't expect him to moving out soon. The housing market for NEW houses is getting hammered. Everyone is buying up foreclosures and old houses because they are cheaper and more prevalent.

November 21, 2009

What's the difference, if you've never really spoken to the person from work before, whereas you have had 2 months of indepth conversation with the man from the other country? You don't really know both of them, but for some reason the former doesn't seem to trouble most people.

Two month of phone conversations with a stranger IS different. OP has no idea what HE wants. People at work, you know what they look like, there's people there that know the person, you can at least get a vibe off of them. It would be much harder to hide something (like being married) if it was someone from work vs. someone who sounds convincing over the phone.

OP already has it made up in her mind that she's going to have a relationship with this guy, when the signs point more to that he is looking for a fun vacation with some female company. He's heading out for the army for nine months. He's not choosing to date anyone near him (or he has a gf or wife and is hiding it). All sound like flags of someone who doesn't want a relationship, just a fun get-a-way.

November 21, 2009

Yeah thee is no grapevine here. With people at work I can find out if they are married, how they got the job, if they are going out with anyone, etc. without even speaking to them.

What she needs is a second opinion on this dude. I think that's why she is here. Granted most of the opinions here have been pretty cynical.

What she should probably do is set something up after the first date with a group of her friends. See how he does with that. Have her friends grill him after a few drinks lol.

November 21, 2009

Has he/you discussed the issue of whether he'd take a hotel? Or spare room? Or is it immediately assumed that you'd both be sharing your bed? I'm not a huge fan of this scenario to be honest....good luck though.

November 21, 2009

Two month of phone conversations with a stranger IS different. OP has no idea what HE wants. People at work, you know what they look like, there's people there that know the person, you can at least get a vibe off of them. It would be much harder to hide something (like being married) if it was someone from work vs. someone who sounds convincing over the phone.

So looks, hearsay (are you really going to ask everyone you know about him before the first date?), and vibes (he's barely spoken to you, mind you) are of far greater importance than speaking to a person, in terms of getting to know him? A stranger (anyone whom you've not truly had a conversation with is a stranger, really) at work may not be married, but there's plenty of other things that he can do to you, and plenty of things you don't know about him. And it's a LOT more likely for someone to be after an ONS if all he needs to do is pick you up after work, instead of fly out all the way to see you.

Also, I'm willing to bet that the incidence of women hooking up with guys they barely know, and then getting drugged, raped, etc - are every bit as high as the incidence of women meeting people online, and then having something bad happen to them. Especially since people tend to take a lackadaisical attitude with regards to local people (aww, I see him everyday, he'll never rape me! I'll just accept his lift home after our date), whereas almost everyone knows they should take precautions with people online due to the stigma it's gotten.

I'll bet if she'd said 'Hey, there's this guy at my sports club', and then goes on to say what she did here (making no mention of knowing anyone who knows him, either), nobody would give her that much flak about accepting his date. In fact, people would probably tell her she was silly for thinking and worrying so much before a first date, and to just go for it.

OP already has it made up in her mind that she's going to have a relationship with this guy, when the signs point more to that he is looking for a fun vacation with some female company. He's heading out for the army for nine months. He's not choosing to date anyone near him (or he has a gf or wife and is hiding it). All sound like flags of someone who doesn't want a relationship, just a fun get-a-way.

Yes, she should certainly take all that into consideration. However, most of the posters' comments were not really about him heading out to the army or anything, but just blanket stuff, mostly about his lack of proximity, like 'Why can't you just find someone local, and why can't he?', or 'there's definitely something sneaky about him wanting to meet you', etc. It's like there's something ingrained in their minds against it already, as in - any relationship that starts this way must definitely be sneaky/bad/etc. Edited November 21, 2009 by Elswyth

November 21, 2009

Not being funny, but for those assuming hes only after a fun vacation before heading out to the army and nothing more - why p*** on my bonfire soooo much?! What if - shocker - he feels he really likes me already and is just taking the next step with good intentions of us ending up together if it works out???

For those who feel they have had crap lives and therefore want to take it out on everyone else on here just stop it, please stop it. Believe me I have been through very bad times in my life in every aspect - friends, bullying, dysfunctional family who dont care about me, domestic violence, terrible luck with guys until now, health scares etc - but I am not bitter and nasty to anyone, I remain optimistic and kind to others. And I do not try to ruin others happiness or put a damper on potential happy situations unless I feel it will be detrimental to them.

However, coming on here has raised some issues. Perhaps I should have found out his intentions and checked whether he was married etc from the start - but when we first began talking I thought this would not even progress anyway due to the distance. Then he suggested visiting and made it clear pretty quickly that he would like to take things further in real life. One would also assume guys are normally pretty honest with these sorts of things - if he had a kid surely he would have mentioned it?! We have not even discussed such things, therefore for all he knows I could be married/divorced/a baby mama and he wouldnt even know! I guess hes assuming Im single with no baggage.

November 21, 2009

I say go for it, I'm sure it'll turn out fine. I did a similar thing myself once - met an American guy online, he flew to the UK to meet me, I flew to the US to stay with him, etc. He wasn't a weirdo or a criminal or anything, he was just very picky about who he dated and he rarely met someone he clicked with, so to him it was more sensible to fly halfway round the world for a girl he liked rather than continue to search fruitlessly for such a girl in his local area.

Unfortunately after a year or so the money for plane tickets ran out, he got permanent overtime (to make more money) which kept him busy at least 3-4 nights per week, and I finished university and got a full-time job which made it difficult for us to talk given the time difference (I used to stay up late to chat to him, but that became impossible when I had to get up early for work the next day). I got a bit fed up with staying home every weekend to talk to him online, and he also had other commitments which ate into our time together. Plus when we thought about the long-term prospects the relationship really wasn't going anywhere - he had a child in the US who he couldn't/wouldn't leave in order to move to the UK, and when it came down to it I didn't really want to leave my family and move to the US either. Even if I did want to move there, we simply didn't have the money for plane tickets, immigration lawyers, a wedding, money to live on until I got a green card and a job, etc - it was going to cost thousands of pounds.

We ended up only being able to talk a couple of times per week due to work commitments and time differences, and there was obviously no future in the relationship as I explained, so in the end we just called it quits. It's a shame really, because if he lived in the same country I'd probably still be with him, he was a really nice guy.

November 21, 2009

Hey, OP, if you need an old fart to chaperone you, I'm available. We could hook up with SoulBear, get this guy drunk and see what's really on his mind. Let me know. Plenty of award flights available in the next two weeks.

Topically, it's a small world. People see that world differently, from different perspectives. Life is an adventure. Be safe, but don't let an unreasonable concern for safety limit the breadth of living. I learned that lesson many years ago. God willing, I'll die broke with a smile on my face.

Has he/you discussed the issue of whether he'd take a hotel? Or spare room? Or is it immediately assumed that you'd both be sharing your bed? I'm not a huge fan of this scenario to be honest....good luck though.

OP, this is something I hope you've taken care of. He should have his own flat or hotel and be in no way reliant on you. There's no reason for him to be. It's part of being able to travel. If you're in London, he can use public transport to get around. It's cheap. Best wishes

November 21, 2009

Hey, OP, if you need an old fart to chaperone you, I'm available. We could hook up with SoulBear, get this guy drunk and see what's really on his mind. Let me know. Plenty of award flights available in the next two weeks.

:laugh: Yeah perhaps you guys should come too and give him the Spanish Inquisition!!!

But on a serious note, I did mention before about where hes staying - hotel initially then if we hit it off and I feel comfortable then he can stay at mine for a couple of days, then if we are still happy - plan is to head into London for a few nights and stay in a hotel together. He wll not be relying on me so no worries there.

Topically, it's a small world. People see that world differently, from different perspectives. Life is an adventure. Be safe, but don't let an unreasonable concern for safety limit the breadth of living. I learned that lesson many years ago. God willing, I'll die broke with a smile on my face.

I second that. Amen.

November 21, 2009

So looks, hearsay (are you really going to ask everyone you know about him before the first date?), and vibes (he's barely spoken to you, mind you) are of far greater importance than speaking to a person, in terms of getting to know him? A stranger (anyone whom you've not truly had a conversation with is a stranger, really) at work may not be married, but there's plenty of other things that he can do to you, and plenty of things you don't know about him. And it's a LOT more likely for someone to be after an ONS if all he needs to do is pick you up after work, instead of fly out all the way to see you.

At least with someone at work, you'll be able to ask about him. Lies or misconceptions are harder to maintain in person. Phone conversations you don't pick up on the facial expressions or body language. Emails you have time to think how you want to work this or that.

To me, a stranger is someone I haven't met in person. I can read a person IRL better then I can over the phone or email.

Also, I'm willing to bet that the incidence of women hooking up with guys they barely know, and then getting drugged, raped, etc - are every bit as high as the incidence of women meeting people online, and then having something bad happen to them. Especially since people tend to take a lackadaisical attitude with regards to local people (aww, I see him everyday, he'll never rape me! I'll just accept his lift home after our date), whereas almost everyone knows they should take precautions with people online due to the stigma it's gotten.

I'm not arguing with you with here, but OP is willing to have him in her house and go away with him to another hotel. If she where meeting a guy for one night, out in a public place, and make this the routine until she gets to know him, she'd reduce the risk of something bad. If there is something wrong with him, I'm willing to bed he's going to have a great act for the first few meetings seeing how has he spent the money to fly over.

I'll bet if she'd said 'Hey, there's this guy at my sports club', and then goes on to say what she did here (making no mention of knowing anyone who knows him, either), nobody would give her that much flak about accepting his date. In fact, people would probably tell her she was silly for thinking and worrying so much before a first date, and to just go for it.

But I'm assuming if she'd met this guy at a sports club, they wouldn't be going on a trip to London sharing a hotel room with in a few 'dates'.

Yes, she should certainly take all that into consideration. However, most of the posters' comments were not really about him heading out to the army or anything, but just blanket stuff, mostly about his lack of proximity, like 'Why can't you just find someone local, and why can't he?', or 'there's definitely something sneaky about him wanting to meet you', etc. It's like there's something ingrained in their minds against it already, as in - any relationship that starts this way must definitely be sneaky/bad/etc.

I don't think any relationship that starts this way is definitely sneaky or bad. I think what is bad is she's got this relationship all planned out in her head and isn't looking at the fact that the signs point to a fun week and that's about it. I think OP rather put her eggs in one basket and expect that what she wants to happen, will. I think the fact that she wants it to happen so badly, that she may over look some warning signs or red flags.

If it happens how she wants it to - that's great - but if I were here, I'd be more cautious and realistic about the situation.

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