kittenmittens23 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Hi Everyone, Thank you to anyone taking the time to read this. I feel as if I have no other outlet. I am sittting at work feeling an immense amount of dread and emptiness. I can't imagine feeling or ever having felt this low in a long, long time. I thought that i was over it. I am smart enough to know that my ex-bf never loved me, and that his promises were just a way to hook me. Yet, I feel this incredible urge to talk to him. And I cant stop thinking of all the things he said, and I believed. (my previous and first thread bf thinks world will end in 2011). He sent an email on monday but i did not respond. I was on top of the world. Then he called wednesday and I picked up the phone immediately. I spent the rest of the day regretting my dumb ass move (instant gratification instead of seeing it for what it was) I think that it is because i feel so so alone and unwanted. I have tried "talking" or going out with a few others, but I just can't do it. I know what kind of person I am and I am so ashamed of it. I always have to have someone. I don't understand why I think Im this incredibly worthless pos. On the outside, one would never know the turmoil and rejection that i feel inside of me. It's like if someone opened me up there would be nothing but scars. I used to be so hopeful. I wish that i could force myself to be alone for a year or two. Cry and suffer through those lonely times when not even one soul knows I exist. But Ive never been able to do it. and now im paying the price for it. I have never dealt with my issues. What am I going to do? God only knows I am not a horrible person, but I feel so unwanted. so flawed. I just want to run away. Im sorry for the sad state of this post. because i know you guys have your own to deal with. i just have nowhere else to turn. Thank you so much for reading.
Edward10 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I think that it is because i feel so so alone and unwanted. I have tried "talking" or going out with a few others, but I just can't do it. I know what kind of person I am and I am so ashamed of it. I always have to have someone. I don't understand why I think Im this incredibly worthless pos. On the outside, one would never know the turmoil and rejection that i feel inside of me. It's like if someone opened me up there would be nothing but scars. I used to be so hopeful. What am I going to do? God only knows I am not a horrible person, but I feel so unwanted. so flawed. I just want to run away. I think LS is helping you. So keeping posting here. I think you are getting better. You don't see it because you feel like you are in the middle of the Amazon Rainforest. Remember your geography? You feel like a worthless POS because that was what your upbringing made you feel like. You have not been taught the skills of self love. Do you like learning new things?
Author kittenmittens23 Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Thank you, Edward. I agree with what you said about upbringing. I don't blame anyone for my station in life, but I do know I always wanted to fix things and situations around me, even as a small child. If someone yelled, or parents argued, I smiled or tidyed up the house. At my expense, I have tried to make others happy. It's run in my family for generations. I know this person was not the one for me. I know if i was truly lost i would've taken him up on his offer to stay together (but no marriage/baby until after 2011). Or I would have latched on to one of the numerous new guys i have met in the last month. Instead, i ignore calls/messages. I crave the comfort and love I thought I had with my ex ex (though he was an addict). Or the love I had with my college boyfriend. But I feel like Im slowly disintegrating over the years. all i do is smoke. im hungry but cannot eat. I love learning about new things. I love reading. I have learned alot about narcissism (him). And I know Im also probably a disorder or two. I have been exercising. doing well at work. trying to keep up my appearance. Then I think for what? No one will ever see me.
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