No contact

[HeavenOrHell]

I wrote a long message about NC last night and it didn't appear

 

I know most of you say NC is the only way to let go of someone who has dumped you, but are you being true to yourself when you say you are doing it to let go, or is a tiny part of you (or a big part) doing it so they might miss you enough to want to try again?

 

I guess in a way it doesn't matter cos no matter the outcome you will have let go a little, or a lot, or they will want to come back.

 

When I can afford it I see a relationship therapist and she said no-one can say that NC is the right thing for everyone, because some couples can and do reconcile further down the line whether there was NC or not and some couples can remain friends, although some NC may be necessary before that can happen. I have friends who were a couple for years and then one cheated, her partner forgave her and they have been best friends ever since, 20 years, so it can work although I think quite rare.

 

At the moment for me LC seems the best thing, my friends say I don't need to do anything which is set in stone and I can change it as we go along, of course he might change things too and decide he can't be friends with me.

 

What I'm saying is I don't feel NC has been the right thing for me up til now, but that could all change today/tomorrow, who knows. He's been adamant he wants to stay in my life and I believe him, but he also accepts I may have to stop contact at any time. NC would have been bloody tough after 18 years of a very close relationship, and maybe I have to let go bit by bit.

What works for one person may not work for another.

If I do go NC it will be because it is the right time for me to do that, but I have to come to that decision myself.

[sean1970]

At the moment for me LC seems the best thing

 

I only have one question; why is it the 'best' thing for you? I'm not trying to bait you, I really want to know...

[GrayClouds]

gh after 18 years of a very close relationship, and maybe I have to let go bit by bit.

 

 

Fact is that is why it is even more important for you to do NC.

 

 

You will not let go bit by bit, you will hold on bit by bit and and be in pain the whole time.

 

He's been adamant he wants to stay in my life

He will say things like this and you will keep that hope alive, which is a killer, it keep you in a place of pain,and immobility. Your desire to try to do LC is reflective for the fact.

 

NC does not work for everyone but I have seen very few here where it was not best for them, and those how do try do do LC are in pain for a great deal longer.

 

NC is about trying new things, get exercise, eat well, journal,read, counseling, friends and family, ect. If you focus on the pain you will find more pain, if you push yourself to focus on yourself you will find a better you. It about finding a new best friend...YOU

Edited November 20, 2009 by GrayClouds

[HeavenOrHell]

Because I feel I would totally crack if he suddenly wasn't there after 18 years, after sharing everything, and because we were always best friends as well as partners and I want some contact with him to see if friendship is possible, I want him in my life still if that is possible, if we go NC I am not giving us the chance to see if we can be friends.

Friendship may not be possible but how will I find out if I never see him?

 

I only have one question; why is it the 'best' thing for you? I'm not trying to bait you, I really want to know...

[HeavenOrHell]

I am busy, and working on myself, for MY self

 

 

Fact is that is why it is even more important for you to do NC.

 

 

You will not let go bit by bit, you will hold on bit by bit and and be in pain the whole time.

 

He will say things like this and you will keep that hope alive, which is a killer, it keep you in a place of pain,and immobility. Your desire to try to do LC is reflective for the fact.

 

NC does not work for everyone but I have seen very few here where it was not best for them, and those how do try do do LC are in pain for a great deal longer.

 

NC is about trying new things, get exercise, eat well, journal,read, counseling, friends and family, ect. If you focus on the pain you will find more pain, if you push yourself to focus on yourself you will find a better you. It about finding a new best friend...YOU

[sean1970]

Because I feel I would totally crack if he suddenly wasn't there after 18 years, after sharing everything, and because we were always best friends as well as partners and I want some contact with him to see if friendship is possible, I want him in my life still if that is possible, if we go NC I am not giving us the chance to see if we can be friends.

Friendship may not be possible but how will I find out if I never see him?

 

You just have to ask yourself; can you just be friends with him? If you would be 'ok' if he ever started dating again?

[HeavenOrHell]

No, I wouldn't be ok, and it's something I have thought a lot about, I said to him that I won't be able to stick around when that happens, he said it will be a long time before he even knows if he wants to be with someone else. I kind of hope I will have let go more by the time that happens. Realistically I know he could meet someone today and I won't be able to cope with it, on the other hand maybe I need that big fat slap in the face so I can feel angry/hurt enough to think F*** you then.

I'm feeling my way as I/we go along, I will see how I feel after seeing him tomorrow. I'll keep you posted, thanks for your replies

 

 

You just have to ask yourself; can you just be friends with him? If you would be 'ok' if he ever started dating again?

[USMCHokie]

I did it because my ex said she wanted space apart...so I'm giving it to her...and I'm letting her make contact when/if she ever wants to again...at this point, I've accepted that she probably won't speak to me again, so NC becomes a little easier...

 

But yes, a part of me, which seems to get bigger and smaller each day, wants her back more than anything...I still feel like she's a person I could spend the rest of my life with...but only if it's meant to be...I've let her go, and if it's meant to be, then we'll be together...otherwise, life does go on...

 

So I'm instituting NC because it's what she wants, and it's helping me move on. Who knows, maybe she is missing me, but I can't live my life with that hope...so I don't...

[HeavenOrHell]

My ex wants to see me still, but backs off when I say I need space (he left me), so NC would be initiated by me if I have to go down that route, (I know I probably will).

 

How do you want her back but not have hope? I'm not sure if I have hope or not, sometimes I have a little and sometimes none.

 

You're right, if it's meant to be it will be...

 

Thanks for your post

 

I did it because my ex said she wanted space apart...so I'm giving it to her...and I'm letting her make contact when/if she ever wants to again...at this point, I've accepted that she probably won't speak to me again, so NC becomes a little easier...

 

But yes, a part of me, which seems to get bigger and smaller each day, wants her back more than anything...I still feel like she's a person I could spend the rest of my life with...but only if it's meant to be...I've let her go, and if it's meant to be, then we'll be together...otherwise, life does go on...

 

So I'm instituting NC because it's what she wants, and it's helping me move on. Who knows, maybe she is missing me, but I can't live my life with that hope...so I don't...

[teanoranges]

First off, I can't even imagine being in a relationship that long. It would be the hardest thing ever!

 

For me, I did keep being friends with my ex for a little while and said the same thing to him about him finding another person.

and, he did. I worked with her, but he swears up and down that there was nothing there before a month ago (we broke up awhile ago but I was still hoping we'd reconcile)

 

I know I could hold it all in and still talk to him (he's told me he needs me in his life and that I'm his best friend, but he's respectful to my decision of NC until I'm ready to be just friends... which might not be ever)

Its tough because even when he found her, I hung on for a little. But it really did eat me up.

I couldn't stand hearing about it but if I didn't ask, I'd be hanging on and letting myself be fooled until one day he'd break and say how much he loved her, still with her in a couple years, and I'd feel like the dumbest SOB ever.

 

It is extremely hard not to talk to him. I told him everything, I opened myself to him completely and ultimately that was my downfall (too clingy?)

 

I've lost all hope that he'll ever love me again and I don't even know if I'll want to talk to him in the future. He's really lost a great deal of trust with me, even though we were broken up before he found someone else... but that's the point... he found someone else!

 

I don't know how much this would help you, but its definitely a story.

I question my NC all the time, because in the past I was always able to pretend like nothing fazed me and go on laughing,

but for some odd reason I think he gets proud of how well I can manage without him, like he'll say 'I told you we weren't good together' and that kills me.

 

I'm stopping my ramble now. Emotional ride for me today.

[HeavenOrHell]

Aw hun, that is horribly painful

I guess I will be in your shoes soon

 

 

First off, I can't even imagine being in a relationship that long. It would be the hardest thing ever!

 

For me, I did keep being friends with my ex for a little while and said the same thing to him about him finding another person.

and, he did. I worked with her, but he swears up and down that there was nothing there before a month ago (we broke up awhile ago but I was still hoping we'd reconcile)

 

I know I could hold it all in and still talk to him (he's told me he needs me in his life and that I'm his best friend, but he's respectful to my decision of NC until I'm ready to be just friends... which might not be ever)

Its tough because even when he found her, I hung on for a little. But it really did eat me up.

I couldn't stand hearing about it but if I didn't ask, I'd be hanging on and letting myself be fooled until one day he'd break and say how much he loved her, still with her in a couple years, and I'd feel like the dumbest SOB ever.

 

It is extremely hard not to talk to him. I told him everything, I opened myself to him completely and ultimately that was my downfall (too clingy?)

 

I've lost all hope that he'll ever love me again and I don't even know if I'll want to talk to him in the future. He's really lost a great deal of trust with me, even though we were broken up before he found someone else... but that's the point... he found someone else!

 

I don't know how much this would help you, but its definitely a story.

I question my NC all the time, because in the past I was always able to pretend like nothing fazed me and go on laughing,

but for some odd reason I think he gets proud of how well I can manage without him, like he'll say 'I told you we weren't good together' and that kills me.

 

I'm stopping my ramble now. Emotional ride for me today.

[Confused_Chump]

Because I feel I would totally crack if he suddenly wasn't there after 18 years, after sharing everything, and because we were always best friends as well as partners and I want some contact with him to see if friendship is possible, I want him in my life still if that is possible, if we go NC I am not giving us the chance to see if we can be friends.

Friendship may not be possible but how will I find out if I never see him?

 

 

OP, I didn't get a chance to read your entire back story, but based on this little bit that you wrote, I have some understand of how you're feeling. When I was first faced with the challenge of having to say good bye to my ex, I just couldn't do it. We were best friends and although my relationship was no where near 18 years, it was still a very deep bond that we had. I figured that I can by pass NC and go straight to being good friends and support her when she needed me because I couldn't imagine not having her in my life. But after awhile, I've noticed that I was not healing at all and I was growing tired of the pain I was feeling. In the end, I finally went NC and that's when I started to heal. We left on good terms and both agreed that once I heal and that we've had time apart, we can try to be friends again some time down the road if the opportunity arises.

 

In my humble opinion, going NC doesn't necessarily mean you're not giving yourselves a chance to become friends. If the two of you really do care and respect for each other, a friendship can be restarted months or even years down the road. However, from what I've gathered through books and other forum members, it is quite difficult to try switch over to a platonic friendship right after a romantic relationship without some sort of NC that would allow both parties to heal and consequently regain their individuality and independence.

 

So in summary, I feel going NC will allow you to heal faster and if all goes well, you can try to start up a platonic friendship with your ex with a clear mind and heart. But trying to jump into one right now may result in more suffering in the long run. Good luck!

[USMCHokie]

How do you want her back but not have hope? I'm not sure if I have hope or not, sometimes I have a little and sometimes none.

 

You're right, if it's meant to be it will be...

 

 

 

I didn't mean that I lie around all day pining over her...well, maybe every now and then...but she has many of the qualities that I'd want in a life partner...and all of the important ones...and our breakup wasn't bad...we were still in love with each other...but we REALLY needed to be apart for a while...and it took me a while to realize that...and I'm truly grateful that we broke up, as much as it hurt...

 

And if it truly was meant to be and one day we reunite, then I'll be so much more ready for a lifelong relationship with her...but if not...if she finds that she's happier with someone else, then that'll be ok...and at this point I'm ready to accept that...and I'll know that there's someone better out there for me...life always works out...sometimes it just takes a little while...

[HeavenOrHell]

Many thanks, really helpful post

 

 

 

OP, I didn't get a chance to read your entire back story, but based on this little bit that you wrote, I have some understand of how you're feeling. When I was first faced with the challenge of having to say good bye to my ex, I just couldn't do it. We were best friends and although my relationship was no where near 18 years, it was still a very deep bond that we had. I figured that I can by pass NC and go straight to being good friends and support her when she needed me because I couldn't imagine not having her in my life. But after awhile, I've noticed that I was not healing at all and I was growing tired of the pain I was feeling. In the end, I finally went NC and that's when I started to heal. We left on good terms and both agreed that once I heal and that we've had time apart, we can try to be friends again some time down the road if the opportunity arises.

 

In my humble opinion, going NC doesn't necessarily mean you're not giving yourselves a chance to become friends. If the two of you really do care and respect for each other, a friendship can be restarted months or even years down the road. However, from what I've gathered through books and other forum members, it is quite difficult to try switch over to a platonic friendship right after a romantic relationship without some sort of NC that would allow both parties to heal and consequently regain their individuality and independence.

 

So in summary, I feel going NC will allow you to heal faster and if all goes well, you can try to start up a platonic friendship with your ex with a clear mind and heart. But trying to jump into one right now may result in more suffering in the long run. Good luck!

[newyork82]

Whew! Really learnt a lot in this post. For someone who has been there several times, remaining friends with your ex after breakup won't work.

I tried that. Once you hear he has a date u start getting hurt. I think NC is best because it helps you heal.

I don't want to be in contact with my ex because I don't want to keep hurting. Once he finds another person, and believe me, he will, you will be hurt! Because while remaining friends, you are still kinda stuck with him. You still love him, so most likely, you wouldn't date another person.

I have tried being friends with my ex, even thoug I was d one who left him. I realised that once I noticed he was getting close to anygirl, I started getting closer to him, and we'd end up in bed, and then we would come back as lovers. And the same problem in the relationship which caused us to breakup in the first place would still be there!

NC is the best

[HeavenOrHell]

I had a really nice evening with him, relaxed watching our fave comedies, I feel better for seeing him.

He said recently he doesn't want to meet anyone else and it will be a long time before he even knows if he wants to be with anyone else, so maybe I don't have to worry about that just yet.

I guess deep down I hope that spending quality time together may mean we can rebuild at some point, I don't no, I have no idea, he left cos of neglect, now he knows I've changed all those things, not just for him but for me too.

I wouldn't want a relationship where you had to change things which you didn't really want to change, like changing parts of your personality to fit in with what your partner wants but which might not be good for you, but I've changed things which are good for me and any future relationship.

I will only be friends with him until he meets someone else. As I said before I'm feeling my way as I go along.

And for today it was lovely to spend time with him.

[mickleb]

Hey Heaven

 

I'm glad you are okay.

 

I wouldn't want a relationship where you had to change things which you didn't really want to change, like changing parts of your personality to fit in with what your partner wants but which might not be good for you, but I've changed things which are good for me and any future relationship.

 

This sounds really strong to me. Really good.

 

I will only be friends with him until he meets someone else.

 

But this bit sounds so sad.

 

I hope that real strength we're seeing will help you to realise you don't have to hold his hand, until you have no option but to. I think these meetings could (so easily) get more and more painful as they go on, and you watch him moving on, and become more and more conscious of being left behind.

 

Continue to forge ahead, won't you? x

[HeavenOrHell]

How do I know 100% that he won't want to rebuild? Do I just assume he won't?

 

 

 

Hey Heaven

 

I'm glad you are okay.

 

 

 

This sounds really strong to me. Really good.

 

 

 

But this bit sounds so sad.

 

I hope that real strength we're seeing will help you to realise you don't have to hold his hand, until you have no option but to. I think these meetings could (so easily) get more and more painful as they go on, and you watch him moving on, and become more and more conscious of being left behind.

 

Continue to forge ahead, won't you? x

[mickleb]

Whether he does or does not, you can continue with your life, without him, until he decides that's the case (and you decide if you will take him back.)

 

You needing time to be strong for yourself (as a result of him abandoning you), SHOULD be completely understandable for him (if he gives a rat's ass - which I'm sure he does).

 

Your relationship with him could only be strengthened by your progress, as an individual. You would be less clingy/insecure IF you did reconcile.

 

I know the reason he gave you and I see you are trying to prove to him you DO need him. But he has not asked you to prove anything to him, has he? Has he stated exactly what he needs to see from you before he will return? (Not that I'd want to jump trough hoops for anyone, myself - and you've stated above that that's not healthy.)

 

You realise you could very easily be 'friendzoned' by him. You could very easily unwittingly HELP him into his next relationship (by being so understanding towards him). You could, absolutely, be watching him move on.

 

You can state that you do need him and all you have done up to this point, should tell him how much you do. But that because you need him, you HAVE to preserve your sanity, at this stage. You were suicidal about this man, very recently. How much more proof does ANYONE need? You risk being there again with your current intentions.

 

Please, if you want him back, really back, let him choose to come to you. Don't try to persuade him to do it (in ANY way). That isn't the love you need. x

[teanoranges]

Honestly, if I were in your shoes I'd do the same thing.

Heck, my ex found someone and at first I was completely ready to accept him back as long as he admitted his mistake

 

It just boils down to the fact that you love him. You're ready to wait it out to see if everything clears, and in honesty it's probably worth it to you.

Fighting for love, successfully is a great achievement.

If this works out for you, I'm going to be one of the happiest people around! haha. I'm really going to have faith restored in long lasting relationships.. so keep us posted!

 

as long as you are aware of what the worst outcome could be, and completely sure you want to risk that kind of pain.. then that's just something we do as humans.

Live and love with no regrets. And most important, live your life everyday even if he's there or not!

 

Best of luck.

[Confused_Chump]

Many thanks, really helpful post

 

You're welcome, I am glad my limited wisdom was of some help to you.

 

What works for one person may not work for another.

If I do go NC it will be because it is the right time for me to do that, but I have to come to that decision myself.

 

I fully agree with you on this because that's how I felt in my situation. I was told NC is the way to go but I wouldn't buy into that idea at first. I had to first realize and accept this myself before I was ready and willing to implement NC for good. Everyone's situations may be similar, but they're still unique in their own way. The only thing we can do really is provide you with some general guidance and opinions on your situation. You still have to make the final decision on what's going to be best for you.

 

It's sad to see any long term relationships come to an end and I really hope things work out for you. Hang in there and best of luck.

Edited November 22, 2009 by Confused_Chump

[mr heartbroken]

I wrote a long message about NC last night and it didn't appear

 

I know most of you say NC is the only way to let go of someone who has dumped you, but are you being true to yourself when you say you are doing it to let go, or is a tiny part of you (or a big part) doing it so they might miss you enough to want to try again?

 

I guess in a way it doesn't matter cos no matter the outcome you will have let go a little, or a lot, or they will want to come back.

 

When I can afford it I see a relationship therapist and she said no-one can say that NC is the right thing for everyone, because some couples can and do reconcile further down the line whether there was NC or not and some couples can remain friends, although some NC may be necessary before that can happen. I have friends who were a couple for years and then one cheated, her partner forgave her and they have been best friends ever since, 20 years, so it can work although I think quite rare.

 

At the moment for me LC seems the best thing, my friends say I don't need to do anything which is set in stone and I can change it as we go along, of course he might change things too and decide he can't be friends with me.

 

What I'm saying is I don't feel NC has been the right thing for me up til now, but that could all change today/tomorrow, who knows. He's been adamant he wants to stay in my life and I believe him, but he also accepts I may have to stop contact at any time. NC would have been bloody tough after 18 years of a very close relationship, and maybe I have to let go bit by bit.

What works for one person may not work for another.

If I do go NC it will be because it is the right time for me to do that, but I have to come to that decision myself.

 

 

Hey, Heavenandhell

 

I like your train of thought.... NC contact is killing me after speaking everyday for five and a half years. I hate the fact that i am not in her life and she is not in mine. Like you she wass my best friend and not a moment passes when i dont want to tell her oh did you hear this or this happened to me today. My friend just had a baby the other day and i wanted to txt her a let her know. I havent given away any info about my life without her and i know that she will be intrested because thats the way she was. NOBODY can truly tell you howto act. NOBODY knows how you feel. sometimes i tell myself snap out of it and for a while i do. Then something makes me want to speak to her. NC contact is best for me. I cant know what she is doinghowever much i want to know. It would cause me more pain than good. this isnt really helping you but after reading your post ijust wnated tosay something.

[Confused_Chump]

I will only be friends with him until he meets someone else. As I said before I'm feeling my way as I go along.

 

I agree with mickleb that this may not be the best thing to do. It has all the potential of causing you more pain if he does end up finding someone down the road when you're still in love with him. I know because I was in a similar situation. Isn't there a way for you to have a talk with him and see where he stands on the situation at hand? Has he given you a clear yes/no answer on the possibility of reconciliation?

Edited November 22, 2009 by Confused_Chump

[HeavenOrHell]

Thanks hun, I am using this time, no matter what the future holds, to build myself up and work on my anxiety (my anxiety didn't help our relationship-it put restrictions on our social life) and also subtlety showing him I am getting stronger too.

Yes, you're right he left as he felt I didn't really need or love him much anymore, so I wasn't clingy, but the way I have felt since he left has scared me and made me want to get myself stronger, so ultimately I am working on me, building a life up for myself.

He is understanding about me wanting space.

I wish this could be a time where we are both becoming stronger and finding ourselves more and if we did ever want to reconcile it would mean our relationship would be stronger and better for it.

He has never once said there is any chance of reconciliation, we haven't talked about, I am just assuming there isn't, but with a tiny bit of hope there might be at some point. I think it would take months or even years though, because things weren't right for at least 2 years, so it would take a long time to build trust up etc, and I would also be very hesitant. I don't feel I'm jumping through hoops as such, because the changes I've made the last few months are best for me too (ie working on my anxiety and reducing the amount of birds etc). I couldn't make changes if they weren't ones I wanted, that doesn't mean that some of the changes aren't challenges for me though.

After he left I said I don't feel good enough for him anymore and he said it's nothing like that at all and that I'm still the same wonderful person but we grew apart because of me being so busy (I nearly had a breakdown when I was at my busiest, that's how bad it was).

He knows I am worried about him meeting someone else, maybe he'll back off from me at that point to save my feelings, I don't know.

I have got across what he means to me but not in an in your face pressuring clingy sort of way-I have more pride and respect for myself that to do that, I don't want to appear weak in front of him, although I have sent about 3 tearful texts since he left, not bad really though considering! He doesn't know I have felt suicidal, I don't want him to know that, that is for me to deal with, not him, I don't want him to feel guilty for leaving me as I'm sure he already does feel bad. I wouldn't want someone to come back out of pity, ugh!! I won't try to persuade him to come back, I've done no begging or anything like that, totally pointless.

If he came back it would be because we both want it and feel we have something we want to rebuild.

If he doesn't come back I am building myself and my life back up again.

I guess if/when he meets someone else everyone can tell me told you so, everyone here may well be right, all I'm saying is let me do it my way, I have to find out myself what is best for me, this can change daily, hourly even!

If he met someone else today I don't think it would mean I would automatically regret not going NC from the start, I've had to do what feels right all along.

Thanks everyone for your input

 

 

Whether he does or does not, you can continue with your life, without him, until he decides that's the case (and you decide if you will take him back.)

 

You needing time to be strong for yourself (as a result of him abandoning you), SHOULD be completely understandable for him (if he gives a rat's ass - which I'm sure he does).

 

Your relationship with him could only be strengthened by your progress, as an individual. You would be less clingy/insecure IF you did reconcile.

 

I know the reason he gave you and I see you are trying to prove to him you DO need him. But he has not asked you to prove anything to him, has he? Has he stated exactly what he needs to see from you before he will return? (Not that I'd want to jump trough hoops for anyone, myself - and you've stated above that that's not healthy.)

 

You realise you could very easily be 'friendzoned' by him. You could very easily unwittingly HELP him into his next relationship (by being so understanding towards him). You could, absolutely, be watching him move on.

 

You can state that you do need him and all you have done up to this point, should tell him how much you do. But that because you need him, you HAVE to preserve your sanity, at this stage. You were suicidal about this man, very recently. How much more proof does ANYONE need? You risk being there again with your current intentions.

 

Please, if you want him back, really back, let him choose to come to you. Don't try to persuade him to do it (in ANY way). That isn't the love you need. x

[HeavenOrHell]

Thank you, I will keep posting no matter what the outcome...

 

 

Honestly, if I were in your shoes I'd do the same thing.

Heck, my ex found someone and at first I was completely ready to accept him back as long as he admitted his mistake

 

It just boils down to the fact that you love him. You're ready to wait it out to see if everything clears, and in honesty it's probably worth it to you.

Fighting for love, successfully is a great achievement.

If this works out for you, I'm going to be one of the happiest people around! haha. I'm really going to have faith restored in long lasting relationships.. so keep us posted!

 

as long as you are aware of what the worst outcome could be, and completely sure you want to risk that kind of pain.. then that's just something we do as humans.

Live and love with no regrets. And most important, live your life everyday even if he's there or not!

 

Best of luck.