miracle4me09 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I posted another message about my husband on adult dating sites. I received some excellent, insightful comments by the members. I have now come to realize that the person I married is a chronic cheater, probably adult chat rooms, web cams, maybe in person, etc. He cheated on his first wife explaining that she "told me to go out and find it because she didn't want sex anymore". I believed that. I see now that throughout our 10 years of marriage that something, in one form or another, has been going on. I have come to realize his immaturity, anxiety, lack of empathy and deceitfulness. For now, I choose to stay and still be a good wife and try to fill my life with good things. For financial reasons, I will stay for now. I have assets that are not in his name, considerably more than what he has, and I have taken him out of my will. The downside is disease and crazies. Who knows what kind of nuts he is dealing with? I will take my chances for now. I think it depends on what stage of life you are at and your individual situation as to whether to stay or not and if you stay what's in it for you. I am sorry to say that this seems like taking less than I deserve but I have some satisfaction in knowing that I NOW KNOW what he is made of and can make informed decisions. Just food for thought.
Tony T Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 It seems now you are making this into a business decision rather than an emotional or love decision. You should post on a site where they give business advice. As far as the emotional side, you should dump this dude at your earliest opportunity. Unless this is strictly business (and with you having the upper hand) I can't imagine any rational person wanting to be with someone as disrespectful of the relationship as your "husband."
misternoname Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Staying for financial reasons is a horrible idea. I stuck with my serial cheating ex wife at first for the kids and then secondly for the money. I have since realized that the kids would have been better off with divorced parents as opposed to witnessing dysfunction at its best. I also soon realized that the old adage "money doesn't buy happiness" is so true. I'm out...lost half my money but I regained all of my self worth. In retrospect I have come to realize that you can't put a dollar figure on your own peace of mind. Fancy cars, luxury trips and a big house are worthless if you enjoy them at the expensive of your mental health. IMHO...get out, take the financial hit and get on with your life.
Woman In Blue Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 For now, I choose to stay and still be a good wife and try to fill my life with good things. For financial reasons, I will stay for now. I have assets that are not in his name, considerably more than what he has, and I have taken him out of my will. The downside is disease and crazies. Who knows what kind of nuts he is dealing with? I will take my chances for now. You're willing to "take your chances" with your sexual health because of financial reasons? Wow.
IfWishesWereHorses Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Finding out that your spouse is a serial cheater and has most likely never been faithful within the marriage is a big blow. Understanding the "sex addict" isn't an easy task for most people. Many times, especially in men, it is combined with NPD. That adds another slew of problems to the mix. Its easy enough to tell yourself that you can harden your heart and turn a blind eye and live your life happily and well but it isn't as easy as that. Psychologically, for most, it will tear you apart in ways you don't realize until its too late. Also, once your H realizes that you know but are playing along, then its no fun for him to pretend to be a loving husband, no thrill in it. And no one wants to be around someone who "KNOWS" what a sick piece of **** they are. It brings them down. They see themselves in your eyes and YOU become the enemy. It takes a while to wrap your head around something like this, so you don't have to make any decisions right now. It wouldn't hurt you though to start working on an exit strategy though, just incase you change your mind. This really has the potential to turn you into one of the "crazies". Give it some time, there is no fire, and in the mean while double up. Sorry you are going through this. Men like this, no matter how many other incredible qualities they may have, don't change. He'll be 70 and paying for it if he has to.
JaneInVegas Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 It's not always possible to just pack up your stuff and leave a spouse behind. I suppose it sounds so easy to do ... just go ... but a lot of times it's not. What if you have no money? No job? Nowhere else to go? And a kid to raise? I have been in financial hell since May, and just now starting to see light far, far away at the end of the tunnel. Who knows how long it will be before I get solvent again. I want to leave this man like he was Satan himself, but I'm strapped here until I can figure a way out. So Miracle, I totally relate with your situation, and I hope and pray we both find peace.
OpenBook Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 It seems now you are making this into a business decision rather than an emotional or love decision. Well, that's because it IS a business decision. Her H killed the romance aspect of their M. So she's gotta look at the cold hard facts now. Marriage is MUCH more than romance. In fact, I would wager that a successful M has a lot more to do with business-related skills such as negotiating, compromising, leadership, financial management/planning, and plain ol' hard work - than it does with romantic desire, which ebbs and flows like the ocean tides and cannot be depended upon as a foundation. I think Miracle said it best herself: I think it depends on what stage of life you are at and your individual situation as to whether to stay or not and if you stay what's in it for you. I am sorry that you are having to deal with this. I hope you protect yourself - physically and mentally as well as financially. And I hope you have good friends of your own to help you through it. Nothing is set in stone; the future is always in motion. Don't ever be afraid to reverse course on a dime.
lori22 Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 I posted another message about my husband on adult dating sites. I received some excellent, insightful comments by the members. I have now come to realize that the person I married is a chronic cheater, probably adult chat rooms, web cams, maybe in person, etc. He cheated on his first wife explaining that she "told me to go out and find it because she didn't want sex anymore". I believed that. I see now that throughout our 10 years of marriage that something, in one form or another, has been going on. I have come to realize his immaturity, anxiety, lack of empathy and deceitfulness. For now, I choose to stay and still be a good wife and try to fill my life with good things. For financial reasons, I will stay for now. I have assets that are not in his name, considerably more than what he has, and I have taken him out of my will. The downside is disease and crazies. Who knows what kind of nuts he is dealing with? I will take my chances for now. I think it depends on what stage of life you are at and your individual situation as to whether to stay or not and if you stay what's in it for you. I am sorry to say that this seems like taking less than I deserve but I have some satisfaction in knowing that I NOW KNOW what he is made of and can make informed decisions. Just food for thought. I'm sorry if I do not quite understand but do you have actual proof that he is cheating or has cheated on you?
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