her_halo_slipped Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Hi fellow posters. I have been reading alot of threads lately and a question springs to mind. Why do OW seek commitment in the form of a MM leaving his wife for them? Whatever happened to the times where affairs were simply just affairs. When both the OW and MM know where the relationship stands and that it exists to fill a void and/or compliment whatever is missing in their current relationship/marriage. That A's exist to create an opportuntiy for fun and frivolity for both partners. It seems that most AP want a firm commitment these days. Are there OW out there in affairs that do not want their MM to leave his M? When the MM remains commited to his W many comments seem to be passed on how selfish the MM is. Surely not all MM fall into this category of being selfish. Are they not responsible? After all it does take two to tango and anyone getting involved with a MM knows the deal. It seems the MM gets the bad rap while the OW usually gets sympathy.Married OW are also getting their cake and eating it too but again the bells of sympathy seem to ring for them when the A is over while the MM takes the rap.I would love to hear your views on this please. No judgements but just your comments and experiences.
ADF Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 OP, if you read the posts carefully, you'll notice it's most often that case that the MM leads the OW into believing they have a future together. That is how they lure them into relationships they might otherwise stay away from. MM talk about how awful their wives are, how they want out, how much they're looking forward to the day they will be free, blah blah blah blah.
OWoman Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Are there OW out there in affairs that do not want their MM to leave his M? There have been a number of similar threads on this, or related topics, recently. In short - yes, there are some. But there are others who want "more".
Fallen Angel Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Why do OW seek commitment in the form of a MM leaving his wife for them? Because they are in love and want to be in a fully committed relationship like most people generally do when they are in love. Are there OW out there in affairs that do not want their MM to leave his M? Yes, there are several of them who post to these boards regularly. After all it does take two to tango and anyone getting involved with a MM knows the deal. No, not EVERYONE knew what they were getting into when they got involved, some did not know MM was still married, or that he would end up going back to his wife after a long separation. It seems the MM gets the bad rap while the OW usually gets sympathy.Married OW are also getting their cake and eating it too but again the bells of sympathy seem to ring for them when the A is over while the MM takes the rap. MM get the worst of it when the OW is here posting and in pain, why, because she is the one whose pain is evident to us all, simply because she is here. But if you really read the threads you will see that she also gets a "bad rap". MOW frequently get called on their cake eating. No one involved in an affair, except the BS, gets off without a scratch here on these boards. Perhaps you and I have been reading different posts, but these statements do not ring true to me, as I have seen time and again everyone on the OW/OM, MOW/MOM, MM/MW side of an affair get equal treatment here. If the MM was the one here posting about his pain, you would likely see sympathy for him as well, as it is natural for some of us to feel sympathy for anyone expressing their pain.
Author her_halo_slipped Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Because they are in love and want to be in a fully committed relationship like most people generally do when they are in love. Yes, there are several of them who post to these boards regularly. No, not EVERYONE knew what they were getting into when they got involved, some did not know MM was still married, or that he would end up going back to his wife after a long separation. MM get the worst of it when the OW is here posting and in pain, why, because she is the one whose pain is evident to us all, simply because she is here. But if you really read the threads you will see that she also gets a "bad rap". MOW frequently get called on their cake eating. No one involved in an affair, except the BS, gets off without a scratch here on these boards. Perhaps you and I have been reading different posts, but these statements do not ring true to me, as I have seen time and again everyone on the OW/OM, MOW/MOM, MM/MW side of an affair get equal treatment here. You have made some good points Fallen. It seems you have read many many pore posts than I. The select ones that I have read err that way. Maybe I need to read more to even up the stats. If the MM was the one here posting about his pain, you would likely see sympathy for him as well, as it is natural for some of us to feel sympathy for anyone expressing their pain. Yes you are right. I have been a little blindsighted perhaps. One thing is true there is plenty of sympathy for those in pain and there are some truly nice people who post on here. .
hopeless4u Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 In my case I knew My MM was M, something I'm not proud of. He was having problems when I met him and I certainly didn't want him to leave his wife. I thought and so did he that it would just fizzle out without anyone getting hurt. I don't think anyone having an A go into it thinking they will fall in love and when it happens both are knocked sideways!
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 No, not EVERYONE knew what they were getting into when they got involved, some did not know MM was still married, True, but many DO still choose to have the A with the MM once they find out he's married. I remember atleast 5 situations of this in the past 2 years on LS. If one doesn't know, that's one thing, but once the truth is found out, the OW has a choice to make about ending it and walking away or continuing the A, now knowing full well he's married.
NoIDidn't Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 It is my personal opinion that OW want a commitment from the MM because they have found a man that is willing to commit to a woman so the trick is to get them to commit to them. And I don't say this to down any OW, as it is EXACTLY how I used to feel way back when. Almost right up until I met my H. I now see the error of this kind of thinking, but I didn't 14 years ago.
candoit Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 i didn't know he was married when i went into it , and even when i found out he told me how he had so many problems and it was only a matter of time until he was out
White Flower Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Hi fellow posters. I have been reading alot of threads lately and a question springs to mind. Why do OW seek commitment in the form of a MM leaving his wife for them? Whatever happened to the times where affairs were simply just affairs. When both the OW and MM know where the relationship stands and that it exists to fill a void and/or compliment whatever is missing in their current relationship/marriage. That A's exist to create an opportuntiy for fun and frivolity for both partners. It seems that most AP want a firm commitment these days. Are there OW out there in affairs that do not want their MM to leave his M? When the MM remains commited to his W many comments seem to be passed on how selfish the MM is. Surely not all MM fall into this category of being selfish. Are they not responsible? After all it does take two to tango and anyone getting involved with a MM knows the deal. It seems the MM gets the bad rap while the OW usually gets sympathy.Married OW are also getting their cake and eating it too but again the bells of sympathy seem to ring for them when the A is over while the MM takes the rap.I would love to hear your views on this please. No judgements but just your comments and experiences. Affairs are no longer 'just affairs' quite possibly because we network now and talk to each other whereas in the past people kept their As to themselves. Now we can get good advice from boards such as this and we see that others can break away from unhappy Ms. With the D rate at 50%, we realize it is not so hard to make life what we want of it; we're not destined to live up to a promise we made at the age of 21. Responsibility definitely plays a role in MM not leaving YET he IS having his cake and eating it too. How about being SO responsible as to never cheat in the first place? Therefore, if he is willing to seek love and sex outside the M, why not make that love honest and open and set the BS free? Wouldn't it be responsible to set her free and allow her to find someone who will honor her with dignity and respect while he makes love to her? We all change and grow. Yes, we know 'the deal' when we take on a MM but growth and change can make a R evolve into something that demands more. If he/she can't or won't leave the M then the R should end if staying is unbearable to the unhappy party. It's anyones prerogative to want or demand something more if love has grown.
Heather1 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 I seek nothing from MM except for us both to be happy for as long as it lasts.
mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 i never wanted him to leave her. he is a great husband, father...overall a great catch. but not for me. hes much older. i wouldnt want that. i wouldnt want him knowing that i made him leave his marriage (which hes always claimed was a happy one). and i never wanted to leave my marriage either. which i viewed as a happy one. there did come a time where we were so in love that we were both unhappy being away from each other. we talked about possibilities of being together, but i still never imagined myself with him.
NoIDidn't Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Affairs are no longer 'just affairs' quite possibly because we network now and talk to each other whereas in the past people kept their As to themselves. Now we can get good advice from boards such as this and we see that others can break away from unhappy Ms. With the D rate at 50%, we realize it is not so hard to make life what we want of it; we're not destined to live up to a promise we made at the age of 21. I agree. Affairs are no longer just affairs now, because people aren't so stigmatized by getting divorces. Then, people would have long, drawn out, and relatively hidden affairs while never divorcing their respective spouses (if any). Now, to prove one's love and devotion in the affair, more MPs are expected to leave and commit to the AP. Also, those who have already gotten divorced seem to push others to do it since they did it already. The dMW is more likely to push for a commitment than the dMM, dating another MP.
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