adiaz Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I met my husband when I was 17 years old. We were both fresh from the airport and attending High School. We met because we were from the same country and as people expected, we became friends. He graduated a year before I did and I didn't see much of him for 6 months. Then he called and we started dating. My husband is the only man I have ever dated, kissed, had sex with and I have never cheated. Our sexual life, eight years later is wonderful and fullfilling. But we could never get along. We fought constantly and in our relationship, because I was so young and immature when we got married, he made all the decision, paid the bills, took care of the money while I worked part time, cooked, cleaned and dressed up at night. I was happy, I had a family and someone who loved me. When our son was born, we started fighting more. I had the blues, I was lonely (he is a workaholic) and I was far, far away from any family members except my SIL from hell. I recently found out that back then, when we fought and my husband left to cool off, he'd slip a recorder under my seat to listen to me cry to my mom. My mom is the only friend I have. Slowly, things started getting back to normal. But I started becoming unhappy, I felt caged. I was in an authoritarian relationship and I started resenting my husband for a lot of things he did and said to me. And the moment I stated thinking about leaving, I got pregnant a second time and even though I have no proof, I have a feeling my husband sabotaged my birth control. So recently, we moved to another state and opened a business. Things went downhill from there. Here, I am closer to my family, I am more independant, I keep some cash on me, I want to make friends (he's never approved of any friend I ever attempted to make), go out dancing with him (he wants to know if I'll "grind" on anyone beside him) and we can't get along. So, I tell him I need my space and go to my mother's. He calls his entire family and along with mine, I am bullied into going back 3 days later. He promised we'll work on the marriage, he'll change, he'll stop opening the door with a knife to ask me what I am doing when I lock myself in the bathroom to pee, he won't push, pull and shove me when we argue or record my phone calls. I hope for the best. 3 days later, he comes home from work at 9pm. Tells me he had a dream about my online activities and tells me to turn on my laptop. I comply. He asks me to log into my facebook (I changed my password 2 days earlier because he knew my password and I had a feeling he was checking on me) He read all messages people sent me (found nothing, by the way it says on my page we are married) He checks my email also and finds nothing (no one emails me) When he is done, I felt like he'd taken his fist and shoved it up my ass, I felt naked and raped. I tell him I am done with him and go back to my parents (while looking for an appartment). He begs me to come back, promises to change, accepts the unaceptable things he does to me and promises to change. To change and I believe him. But he hasn't changed. When I came back, he told me about a girl he met, who cooked dinner for him once, came to visit him 3 times (2x in our business and once in our home), asked him to leave me for her, promised to be good to him and tried to kiss him (even though he pushed her back *insert snicker here*) Dumb as I am, I stay. On a whim, I ask if she'd been calling and he admits it. I give him an ultimatum, call her with me on the line or we are OVER (and this time, no family would bully me. I was ready) At first he refuses, then tells me he doesn't have her number, then asks for time. I tell him it's done. I start looking for an appartment for me and the kids. Today, I can honestly say that I am leaving my husband and I am very scared. I am 25 with 2 kids, I only have a HS Diploma but I have a trade. I have no money (everything is under his name) and I am scared ****less. But I am at peace. I am standing up for myself because I know he is cheating and I am refusing to be used, I refuse to be his doormat and it feels good, yes I am sad, I am scared (so very scared) of a future where I will be the failure he promised I'll be just an hour ago, where I might regret fighting back and where my kids will hate me for leaving. But with all these feelings comes an excitement from taking my life into my own hands but I am not at peace. My heart is racing and my mind is numb. Am I making a mistake in leaving my workaholic/authoritarian/slightly abusive/good father/husband? Please, I'd take whatever you give.
dwindrup Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I have been in your shoes! Where one door closes another one opens! I have been divorced 3 years now! And the experiences I have had, i wouldn't change for anything. You deserve so much better! Go forward not looking back...do not fear! Be strong, take courage. Do what you feel is right! If your done be done and don't go back!
Gunny376 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) In other words your crazy for leaving? But your crazy for staying! Hell No! And this is coming from a member of LS that is not viewed all so well here. Why? Well we're the sum part of our experiences in Life. Mine for the most part has been with doing twenty years as a carrer Marine. Authortative, controlling workaholic? Yea that would be me! At work! Hell I intimidate most men let alone women. And that was while I was in the Marines? Now that they've let me out of my cage here in civilain la~la land I just scare the Hell out of some people? And sooooooo ~ I'm learing to re-adjust my attitude, perspective, approach toward people ~ not to the point of sounding like a bad GEICO commercial ~ "Oh know did I just do that! Let me get out my celluar,.... Oh darn I've not got one because I'm a 'pothole!' But seriously ~ what you've described isn't nothing more than USDA certified BS! When the day comes that I've got to do all of this "I Spy' BS is the day I need to be letting her go. If I've got to check up on where you've been, who've you been with? That's enough for me! And when someone has to do that for me? I'm nothing but history! The trust is gone and there's no getting it back! Keep on waggin' that index finger! And keep on trucking! Edited November 20, 2009 by Gunny376
Gunny376 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Most people are about as happy as they make themselves out to be! Make the choice! To be happy! The choice is yours! The keys that will free you, you hold in your hands!
El Ben Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 This is a dangerous place you're in. Please walk away. Please just go. I'm quivering with anger and disgust just thinking about what you've been through.
tojaz Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Am I making a mistake in leaving my workaholic/authoritarian/slightly abusive/good father/husband? NO!!! You certainly are not making a mistake, and he is not SLIGHTLY abusive. This man is controlling you. Your not free to have a private conversation? Your not free to use the bathroom in peace? No friends? This is not a marriage and it dosen't sound like it ever was. This man is trying to own you and that most definitely is abuse! Both verbal and emotional. These things very often lead to physical abuse, youve already said he pushes and shoves you regularly. That is not a situation you or your kids need or deserve to be in and can become life threatening, a subject I know a little about. Give this thread a look.. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194021/?highlight=vangel2 Spend some time on the abuse board... http://www.loveshack.org/forums/f54/ And read some of the stories here... http://www.drirene.com/ One more... http://www.lifescript.com/Life/Relationships/Marriage/Controlling_Men.aspx?trans=1&du=1&gclid=CMvLn_HkypoCFQVxFQodjDwf2g&ef_id=1350:3:s_c56f9b3a32238d6c43ea9adbaceb4932_2540063435:TiuRedBkOIYAABD192UAAAAO:20090520112658 Most of all, protect yourself and your kids, talk to an attorney and know your rights. Keep posting! TOJAZ
Author adiaz Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 This is a dangerous place you're in. Please walk away. Please just go. I'm quivering with anger and disgust just thinking about what you've been through. Thank you to everyone for answering me. My mother feels the same way. She thinks he could kill me and yesterday, after he'd accused me of being just like the rest of AAs, looking for welfare and child support (prejudiced much), we had a huge fight where he called me all the names you can imagine and told me he regrets having kids with me and ever meeting me. I gave it all back to him. I called him an American ahole (we are both immigrants, lol) and stood up to him. He left from 9pm to 4am. I don't know where he was and don't care. But I felt unsafe (he could come back and kill me in my sleep, lol!) So i slept with my cell real close and at the ready to call 911 and fight him.
tojaz Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Thank you to everyone for answering me. My mother feels the same way. She thinks he could kill me and yesterday, after he'd accused me of being just like the rest of AAs, looking for welfare and child support (prejudiced much), we had a huge fight where he called me all the names you can imagine and told me he regrets having kids with me and ever meeting me. I gave it all back to him. I called him an American ahole (we are both immigrants, lol) and stood up to him. He left from 9pm to 4am. I don't know where he was and don't care. But I felt unsafe (he could come back and kill me in my sleep, lol!) So i slept with my cell real close and at the ready to call 911 and fight him. If you really suspect this could happen you need to get out of the house! Friend relative, anywhere. Take your kids and go! TOJAZ
seraphim mom Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Pack up your valuables, clothes, and children and get out, if you have any fear that he will try to harm you do not tempt fate....there are shelters all over for abused women and children, yes you are abused, they will give you and your children a place to stay, meals and help you create your own life, and help you get the assistance you need in divorcing and protecxtion....he will not be able to find you, you will be safe...please call these numbers for yourself and your children these are domestic violence hotlines 1800endabuse/1800799safe.my prayers are with you.
lookin2wardthefuture Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Hang in there! It is very scary to leave a relationship after you've been in it for years and have children with someone. Surround yourself with people who support YOU, and if that's only your mom listen to her, and post here often. I am divorcing a somewhat controlling, very manipulative man myself. We've been together for 20 years, and now that i look back I wonder, how did I do it, and why did I hang in there so long? I think most women take longer because we feel so much responsibility toward keeping the family together. I really wonder how many more years of my life I would have sunk into my toxic STBX. I'm actually grateful on some level that he cheated. It was the one thing I could'nt enable, discount, forget ,believe, or be graceful about. And trust me when I say I've given this man an abundance of grace. Look forward to your new life. If it's at all possible go back to school, or get a new job that you enjoy and provides for your children. Make the little moments count, enjoy being free. I know I am. I'll be thinking of you.
tojaz Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Pack up your valuables, clothes, and children and get out, if you have any fear that he will try to harm you do not tempt fate....there are shelters all over for abused women and children, yes you are abused, they will give you and your children a place to stay, meals and help you create your own life, and help you get the assistance you need in divorcing and protecxtion....he will not be able to find you, you will be safe...please call these numbers for yourself and your children these are domestic violence hotlines 1800endabuse/1800799safe.my prayers are with you. Adiaz, Being completely serious here. I want you to understand that if you really feel threatened by this man, then you need to do whats best for you and your children. I'm not sure if you read this thread I left in my other post or not. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194...hlight=vangel2 I have seen a relationship go this route before. My best friend of 26 years passed away the first week of July. She was in a relationship mutch like this one. She had no freedom, no privacy, nothing of her own. This eventualy became physicaly abusive. Ally passed on July 2 this year from injuries inflicted by her husband. This is very real! Please if you feel you are in danger, get help and get out! http://www.casa-stpete.org/ TOJAZ
Gunny376 Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 At the very least take yourself to a police station ~ that's what we're paying them to do! To protect and serve. And it doesn't matter if your here as an immigrant legally or illlegally. That has nothing to do with it! From there you will find people that are there to help you and your children. Food, clothing and shelter for you and your babies. Get out of there now! Whatever fears you have that is holding you back? Deal with them latter.
Author adiaz Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Thanks everyone. He (now) wants to go MC (which I suggested when we first started having problems but now have no interest in). Gunny I cannot report him since he will get deported and our children will lose their father. Everything I went through with him (the bad) I am already over and the good (he can be the best) I will try my hardest to remember him by for the sake of our kids but also because I want to believe that love that doesn't hurt exists out there.
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