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How to turn off emotional/affective responses?


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Posted
I have to say, TBF, it's really not like that. LOL, I mean, it's clearly a little obsessive, but I don't view him as a "prize to be acquired." I mean, he's just a person...it just so happens he's a person who I'm insanely attracted to.

 

I can't agree with the shifting of my perception in the manner of which you describe, since I don't view him as a "prize."

 

As far as the "one-way crush" is concerned, that's the problem: I don't know that it is a "one-way crush." Most likely, sure it is. However, if it weren't, it's not as though he could act on it, as I'm fairly certain he wants to keep his job.

 

It's the ambiguity that bothers me. If I knew for certain--out of his mouth--that he was uninterested, then I would be fine. I'm sure my feelings would dissipate. I've never wanted what I knew for certain I couldn't have--that's just idiotic and futile.

 

I'm just going to talk to him. Not sure when, as I have a number of things yet to finish for this semester. Maybe after grades are in...ugh, I don't know.

Go read some of spookie's threads about Jack. It starts in a fairly innocent manner, then turns obsessive. While you're not like spookie in most ways, it might shed some light into your situation. Shut it down before it gets obsessive.
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Posted
Go read some of spookie's threads about Jack. It starts in a fairly innocent manner, then turns obsessive. While you're not like spookie in most ways, it might shed some light into your situation. Shut it down before it gets obsessive.

 

I just did as you suggested and I have to say it's a very sad story.

 

However, if I do talk to him, I won't be saying "I love you." LOL, that really would be creepy as I don't. I would just tell him that I am attracted to him, which is all that I am. I mean, I do like him a great deal as a person, from what I know of him. However, I don't think "love" at this stage is even possible.

 

Anyway, thanks for the suggestion. What ever happened with Jack? Did spookie tell him? I didn't see how the situation ended, or if it did.

Posted
I just did as you suggested and I have to say it's a very sad story.

 

However, if I do talk to him, I won't be saying "I love you." LOL, that really would be creepy as I don't. I would just tell him that I am attracted to him, which is all that I am. I mean, I do like him a great deal as a person, from what I know of him. However, I don't think "love" at this stage is even possible.

 

Anyway, thanks for the suggestion. What ever happened with Jack? Did spookie tell him? I didn't see how the situation ended, or if it did.

Yes, she told him that she was attracted to him, fairly early on. He's done nothing about it beyond being her boss. But she's still convinced or at least wants to believe, that every action of his is a sign that he's equally attracted.

 

This is the posterchild example of why not to allow one-way crushes to continue. Whether he's attracted or not is moot. Unless he does something about it, it's all meaningless and in yours and spookie's situation, detrimental to what you're trying to accomplish and emotionally detrimental.

 

In many ways, it's like a break up but you need to break up with yourself. ;)

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Posted
Yes, she told him that she was attracted to him, fairly early on. He's done nothing about it beyond being her boss. But she's still convinced or at least wants to believe, that every action of his is a sign that he's equally attracted.

 

This is the posterchild example of why not to allow one-way crushes to continue. Whether he's attracted or not is moot. Unless he does something about it, it's all meaningless and in yours and spookie's situation, detrimental to what you're trying to accomplish and emotionally detrimental.

 

In many ways, it's like a break up but you need to break up with yourself. ;)

 

Haha, I do need to break up with myself--the past 24 years have just been so annoying. :p

 

So, she told him fairly early on, and he did nothing? Did he say anything, like "I don't feel the same way," etc.? I mean, he must not have been very direct as her more resent posts seem to indicate she's still unsure of how he feels?

 

I disagree, I think whether he's attracted makes a vast difference in the situation. If he's not, then it would indeed be detrimental to what I'm trying to accomplish and emotionally detrimental as well. If he is, then I can just avoid taking his classes and have some great sex while I'm working on my thesis. ;):laugh:

 

Anyway, it would require him to be fairly direct...so I would be pissed if I actually mustered up the courage to tell him and then he avoided actually responding.

Posted
Haha, I do need to break up with myself--the past 24 years have just been so annoying. :p

 

So, she told him fairly early on, and he did nothing? Did he say anything, like "I don't feel the same way," etc.? I mean, he must not have been very direct as her more resent posts seem to indicate she's still unsure of how he feels?

 

I disagree, I think whether he's attracted makes a vast difference in the situation. If he's not, then it would indeed be detrimental to what I'm trying to accomplish and emotionally detrimental as well. If he is, then I can just avoid taking his classes and have some great sex while I'm working on my thesis. ;):laugh:

 

Anyway, it would require him to be fairly direct...so I would be pissed if I actually mustered up the courage to tell him and then he avoided actually responding.

He told his bosses boss about it, who then promptly disclosed it to HR.
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Posted
I think there is wisdom in what Carhill says, especially in his first post. You can't control your feelings, so accept them and proceed from there.

 

It seems like your attempts to contain or change how you feel are having the exact opposite effect of what you want: your feelings are amplified rather then diminished. Many people react this way when something is forbidden. Think of anyone trying to stop eating chocolate: trying not to think of chocolate will keep chocolate on their mind.

 

So, try the opposite tack: accept that you have feelings for this man. Accept that this man really turns you on. Accept, by the same token, that feeling like this doesn't mean you have to act or do anything. Just sit with those feelings and enjoy them.

 

Thanks, Kamille.

 

I think you're right. Actually, I think I may take some time off of LoveShack, as I think my posting about this issue, since it's clearly not helping me, is just perpetuating the problem and allowing my thinking about him and over-analyzing the situation to be habituated into the territory of obsession.

 

Starting tomorrow, I'm going on a week sabbatical, and I'll see if that helps me at all. If so, then I may have to just stay off of LoveShack. If not, I'll be back to vent some more! ;)

 

We'll see. Thank you all for your advice! :D

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Posted
He told his bosses boss about it, who then promptly disclosed it to HR.

 

Oh, good Lord! That's terrible! So, when she told him, he didn't say anything to her, but went and told his boss' boss about it?! What a dick! Of course, I suppose it depends on what she said to him...I'll have to go back over her threads.

 

Spookie: if you happen to read this, I am terribly sorry about your situation! :(

Posted
Thanks, Kamille.

 

I think you're right. Actually, I think I may take some time off of LoveShack, as I think my posting about this issue, since it's clearly not helping me, is just perpetuating the problem and allowing my thinking about him and over-analyzing the situation to be habituated into the territory of obsession.

 

Starting tomorrow, I'm going on a week sabbatical, and I'll see if that helps me at all. If so, then I may have to just stay off of LoveShack. If not, I'll be back to vent some more! ;)

 

We'll see. Thank you all for your advice! :D

 

Oh noo! but yours is one of the only stories I've been following lately :laugh:!

 

I think that by stepping away from LS, you're still trying to act on your crush in order to squelch it, rather then accept it. Do step away if you think it will help. You know yourself best. But remember that it's okay to be attracted to this man.

 

Accept it. You really dig this man. It doesn't mean anything other then you are alive and capable of feeling intense attraction. It doesn't require any actions on your part. Try to stop worrying about it, making it something bigger then what it is, and just enjoy that men are capable of making you feel this way.

 

I've had crushes on professors. Professors are crush material par excellence. In my experience, these are fun crushes, almost teenage-like in their intensity precisely because they render us powerless.

 

I think your anxiety stems from the fact that for some reason you have decided that your feelings are wrong. Perhaps because you don't perceive yourself as someone who has silly crushes or perhaps because you are someone who is used to being in control of many aspects in your life.

 

Whatever the reason, believing your feelings are wrong is what prompts the anxiety that you feel. It's what prompts you to want to do something about it: to tell the prof or find a way to stop feeling the attraction. There is a third option: accept the feelings and enjoy them while they last. Hey, class is almost over anyway, so soon, very soon, your attraction won't be an issue anymore.

Posted

So this is still on-going, I should have read the OP more intently. That's a toughie. Singing the 'acceptance' line can be rather fruitless in situations like this. I certainly understand threebyfate's response a lot more clearer now. Not bad that one.

 

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Posted
I think your anxiety stems from the fact that for some reason you have decided that your feelings are wrong. Perhaps because you don't perceive yourself as someone who has silly crushes or perhaps because you are someone who is used to being in control of many aspects in your life.

 

This describes my pre-MC perspective perfectly. The anxiety stemmed from my belief that the feelings were inappropriate and 'wrong' where the person was unavailable. Controlling my feelings tied into self-esteem and doing the 'right' thing and any failure (to control them) was bad.

 

Nowadays, those feelings are out there, in the room, and I shake hands with them, acknowledge them and smile knowing they're still around but I'm not acting on them today. Unconventional, perhaps, but, with the psychologist's help, I find it works for me.

 

This process extends to feelings far beyond simple attraction into other aspects of one's emotional perspective. It's a global alteration of how emotion is accepted and processed.

 

IMO, if the OP's usual ways of processing a crush and/or inappropriate attraction aren't working, try something else. That's what I did. :)

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Posted (edited)
Oh noo! but yours is one of the only stories I've been following lately :laugh:!

 

I think that by stepping away from LS, you're still trying to act on your crush in order to squelch it, rather then accept it. Do step away if you think it will help. You know yourself best. But remember that it's okay to be attracted to this man.

 

Accept it. You really dig this man. It doesn't mean anything other then you are alive and capable of feeling intense attraction. It doesn't require any actions on your part. Try to stop worrying about it, making it something bigger then what it is, and just enjoy that men are capable of making you feel this way.

 

I've had crushes on professors. Professors are crush material par excellence. In my experience, these are fun crushes, almost teenage-like in their intensity precisely because they render us powerless.

 

I think your anxiety stems from the fact that for some reason you have decided that your feelings are wrong. Perhaps because you don't perceive yourself as someone who has silly crushes or perhaps because you are someone who is used to being in control of many aspects in your life.

 

Whatever the reason, believing your feelings are wrong is what prompts the anxiety that you feel. It's what prompts you to want to do something about it: to tell the prof or find a way to stop feeling the attraction. There is a third option: accept the feelings and enjoy them while they last. Hey, class is almost over anyway, so soon, very soon, your attraction won't be an issue anymore.

 

LOL, well, clearly my week sabbatical worked-out really well. :lmao:

 

I'm touched you're following my story, Kamille! I wish I could make it more interesting for you...and for me! ;):p

 

It's funny: I'm fine now. I swear, I think it's just being around him that get's me all bothered--emotionally and physically. Maybe I just ought not go to the last three classes and take some other class next semester? *sigh* The former probably wouldn't be prudent, as I already missed two classes this semester due to illness...

 

Why does he have to be one of the most interesting professors here, who teaches some of the most interesting classes? :mad::love::rolleyes:

Edited by always_searching
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