nrseiv Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 so that is just one of many issues. first off, i married my husband 9 months ago after a very brief courtship. he cried when we bought our engagement rings. he told me that he was sure i was the one. he had never been so happy in his whole life. i felt whole--with only one expectation--i just wanted him to love me. when he proposed, he awkwardly prefaced the proposal with "so i don't know if i believe in monogamy, but i love you and want you to be my partner. if you are okay with that, will you marry me?" i knew in the past he had enjoyed an occasional threesome/foursome with a couple of his exes. i thought it was probably experimentation. well, i agreed to marry him, caught up in the whirlwind and excitement. he had mentioned that maybe with me he wouldn't want to ever share. that maybe it was a phase. that's what i heard from the whole thing. we were married. he then decided after a couple months that we should join a swinger website. he made the profile. i have to admit, i found the idea intriguing. so we met up with a couple. we had sex. he said he loved watching me have sex with the other guy. i was really drunk and angry that he knew i was that drunk and felt a bit like i had to sleep with those people eventhough i wasn't attracted to them. the fallout from that experience has been ultimately near damning. since then, he has lost his job as a pilot and has lost his sex drive. plus he always says that he told me the truth about who he was from the beginning and doesn't want to waste any more time with someone who won't allow him to be who he is sexually. so we are back on the website. i'm nervous that if i don't like the followup encounter with the new couple that my marriage will be over. he always talks dirty during sex to get an erection about having sex with other people or having someone film us. he gets angry if i ever say that i'm not interested and does the whole "you knew what i was about, i've never lied to you" line anytime i say anything about being nervous about trying it again. he has been so short tempered since losing his job and doesn't understand why i am so tired after working to support us. he yells if i ask if he's looked for a job and is belittling. i want to try counseling, but i am so embarrassed about the lifestyle and talking about our sex life. i'm just tired of feeling like our love is conditional. what should i do?
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 You are worried about your marriage being over. I'm not trying to be snarky, but I don't know why that would worry you. He is never going to be the husband you want and need him to be for you.
Author nrseiv Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 On the other hand, he makes me breakfast every morning, keeps house, does my laundry. Does loving things...but so often he is flat and unloving with words. So prideful. Always willing to find flaw in my statements if we are arguing. Says my name like its a dirty word and raises his voice. Is this really going to end badly? Does it have to? I love him.
dwindrup Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 i was married for 8 years and loved my x husband when I finaly got the courage to get divorced...it was the hardest thing I had to do, but was loosing myself more and more each day. Remember you have to love yourself first or you will loose yourself....Love is not always enough to stay in a relationship. Use your mind and common sense to....and sadly these day's Love is conditional. I am thankful for my children because I know what unconditional love feels like. They are what I live for.
ADF Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 It doesn't sound to me like your husband was nearly as honest as he claims he was. Yes, he admitted to having been a "swinger" in the past. But it sounds like he let you believe that part of his life might be over, or that it wasn't all that important to him. Clearly, that's not the case. You have a big problem. Your husband is not happy being monogamous; you seem unhappy with swinging. Something has got to give. You two need to have an honest talk about this, preferable under the eye of a third party. In other words, it is time to seek counseling.
Author nrseiv Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Thanks to both of you for advice. I think I just needed to write it out and really read what I wrote. I'm young, we have no kids, but it will still be hard to leave. It's comfortable and miserable all at once. It hurts but I love him. Counseling?
Malenfant Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 its one thing for him to be into swinging, although i dont think he really did make it crystal clear to you what his intentions were. maybe you should have asked more questions about what he meant but caught up in the flush of love and the excitement, it went unchecked. but he never actually asked you what you would be prepared to do. and now he gets snotty when you say that you're not comfortable with stuff. he's trying to turn it onto you for misleading him into thinking you were up for what he wanted to do, although he never actually asked you. he gave you a minimum of information, a hint of what was on his mind, and now you're not 100% down with what he actually wants, he makes out its your fault and that he cant have a marriage with someone who wont allow him to be what he wants. he misled you into this marriage (and maybe you mislead yourself into it a bit as well) and although he does nice things for you around the house, it sounds like he is going through the motions of what he believes a marriage is. he doesnt sound compassionate or caring to me, two qualities which i think are essential in a relationship.
jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 You arent going to change him thats for sure. You may get him to shut up about it for a while if you make it unbearable for him to talk about it, but he is what he is. My one hard rule in dating, after a lot of experience, is I never try to change anyone or refuse to even believe it is possible. Because all you ever really do is either make them hide it, grow resentful, and cause yourself endless grief. Past is prologue. I believe what they have done, not what they claim they will do in the future
jerseyboy Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Ill add this as well for what it is worth. There are only one of two things happening here. Get all the other bs you want to believe out of your head because none fo them are true. He either doesnt love you and is using you as price of admission for these swinger contacts. Your body is his meal ticket to get what he wants from other women. As likely if it not more so. He has real esteem issues that he has tied into his sexuality. You wont fix them so dont even try. Getting off on another man mounting your woman feeds his feelings about him not being a real man, or man enough to satisfy you. Like girls who get addicted to cutting themselves because the pain becomes an addictive coping mechanism. He is craving the feeling of being degraded by a real man taking his wife, and can only get satisfied that way. A lot of these guys (I dont say all even though I think it to be so) tend to be latent bisexuals themselves, however much they protest to the contrary.
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