eddie_d_2000 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 So I got a copy of the book "Surviving an Affair" and the wife and I are going through it right now, I like how it goes into what each person is thinking and feeling. She said that when she went on her little trip and came back she still didn't really understand what happened or why she did it and the book is helping her understand more now and that she didn't realize how ashamed she was to tell me about the affair. She has supposedly ended that affair by making a final call to him and telling him its over. My question is this, Is it impossible for her to hide an affair should she fall into another one? I look back this summer while she was going through this affair and the signs were there, she was being sneaky and shutting windows down on the computer, I could tell she was different. The reason I am asking this is for my own sanity, I don't want to be checking her cell phone, email etc all the time, it is driving me nuts and the less of it I have to see, the more sleep I get and the better I feel. What do you guys think?
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Let's put it this way..If she's stupid enough and selfish enough to cheat on you again, then you're better off without her. Take this slowly. Don't look so far ahead into the future, stay in the now. If she is making progress NOW, and does counselling, fixes what's broken inside of her, learns how to communicate better, and listen too, then it won't get to the point where she will look elsewhere. Unfortunately, for a while, you may have to check up on her to make sure she isn't falling backwards. Again, as long as SHE is putting in effort to change, to show remorse, genuine remorse - And wants to regain your trust and faith in her again, I would hope she wouldn't want to blow her second chance.
Author eddie_d_2000 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 (edited) Thank you for that response, that is exactly what I was looking for. I am not giving her a third chance, she realizes what is at stake here now I believe. I love her family and they love me, that would be the first big blow she would experience, then there is the church we go to, she would lose all of that and the friendships that we have there. Then there are our two beautiful children and I assume that I would have custody of them if she is a proven cheater more than once and I am the bread-winner of the family. Yeah, she would get alimony, but would all that be worth what I just stated?? We are a lot stronger than we were before the affair no doubt and I got to learn to do what you said, take it slowly and stay in the now, thanks again for the advice. Edited November 19, 2009 by eddie_d_2000
NOTSURE7 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Thank you for that response, that is exactly what I was looking for. I am not giving her a second chance, she realizes what is at stake here now I believe. I love her family and they love me, that would be the first big blow she would experience, then there is the church we go to, she would lose all of that and the friendships that we have there. Then there are our two beautiful children and I assume that I would have custody of them if she is a proven cheater more than once and I am the bread-winner of the family. Yeah, she would get alimony, but would all that be worth what I just stated?? We are a lot stronger than we were before the affair no doubt and I got to learn to do what you said, take it slowly and stay in the now, thanks again for the advice. eddie.. i am going through this in reverse, i am the wh who cheated on my W.. I admitted my A to her and since then i have been accountable for my actions,open,honest and transparent.. If your wife truly wants you and your marrige then it wont be about the family,it wont be about the church or who gets the kids and alimony, it will be about doing everything and anything she needs to or is asked to do to show you that she is remourseful and is willing to do the work neccesary to make the changes so the two of you will emerge stronger.. it sounds like you are on the right path and yes i beleive that with my w the main thing is that i try and keep her in the present, she has every right to go back to that place but in the end you will only be right back to today because thats all you have...time and consistency is what its all about right now.. yes you should keep an eye on her and slowly try to give her back some trust,but thats solely your choice and you have every right to wonder and question here... but if you can try to live in the present,try to see her not as the woman who had the A but the woman who is remourseful and the woman who wants to love you and wants you to love her like never before.. good luck
Dexter Morgan Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 My question is this, Is it impossible for her to hide an affair should she fall into another one? well you chose to survive the affair, so you will only know if you ever find out she is cheating again. I look back this summer while she was going through this affair and the signs were there, she was being sneaky and shutting windows down on the computer, I could tell she was different. The reason I am asking this is for my own sanity, I don't want to be checking her cell phone, email etc all the time, it is driving me nuts and the less of it I have to see, the more sleep I get and the better I feel. What do you guys think? well again, you chose to survive the affair. you want sanity? then you'd be better off sanity wise if she was insignificant to you. but you chose otherwise. I can tell you that you won't have peace of mind. The very reason I got a divorce was I knew this. So if you are going to forgive and move on with her, you are going to have to do so knowing that you will never really know what she is doing unless you accidentally find out or she tells you. only thing I can tell you is, you are wanting to survive it....only thing you can do is try to get some sleep and deal with it. but in the end, you are the one that has to look at her face every day. you have to make the decision to handle it if you want to survive this affair.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Unfortunately, for a while, you may have to check up on her to make sure she isn't falling backwards. another reason why I divorced. whats the point in policing someone? there would be only ONE reason to police someone that may still be wanting to cheat....and that is to activate the 3 strikes and you are out rule after only 2 strikes. because what would be the point of having to keep someone from cheating only to stay with them?
tryagaintoday Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 another reason why I divorced. whats the point in policing someone? there would be only ONE reason to police someone that may still be wanting to cheat....and that is to activate the 3 strikes and you are out rule after only 2 strikes. because what would be the point of having to keep someone from cheating only to stay with them? No point, you're right, Dexter. OP, just want to say good luck and keep surviving.
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I wish OWL were here.. Did you ever read Thumbingmyway's threads Eddie? If not, do a site search on his name. His story could really inspire you. And you're welcome. Glad to help.
MadMission Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 My question is this, Is it impossible for her to hide an affair should she fall into another one? She could try, but it will be much harder now that you have the heads-up about her. Prior to d-day, you were trusting and didn't give her 'odd' behaviors a 2nd thought. But, you have learned that blindly trusting your WW also made you blind to signs/behaviors consistant with cheating. So, you are more AWARE now. The 1st 'odd' behavior now will be noticed and addressed in some way, with you likely questioning her or 'spying' for more solid evidence of either her innocence or guilt. This is why it is so important to get to the bottom of WHY she cheated. If the 'why' can be determined and 'fixed,' then she will be much less likely to do it again. But, if the issues which contributed to her infidelity are never identified and addressed, then she may cheat again after the dust settles from her recent infidelity. But, to answer you question, sure, she could hide another affair. She would just be more careful next time and avoid any behaviors which might tip you off. It is very possible to carry on an A without ever using your home computer or your cell phone. There are ways of going deeper underground with it. It's not all that hard really. I know this doesn't make you feel any better. But, this is the reality of life with a cheater. They've ALREADY crossed a boundary, which, having already crossed it once...makes it much easier to cross it again. It's kind of like with physical abuse in that once a person crosses that boundary with a first slap or push...the next slap or push is that much easier.
misternoname Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Not trying to put a damper on your current state of mind but allow me to warn you of a couple of things. My ex agreed to the "open book" policy after her first affair. Time went by and she came to me with a plea of "haven't I done enough to regain your trust?, I don't want to live with a spy", etc etc. I gave in...allowed her some privacy and lo and behold suspicious behavior started happening again. Now I was in a quandry. If I spied and I was wrong (being the betrayed spouse absolutely creates a state of paranoia) I would ruin all the progress we made. If I did spy I ran the risk of proving my suspicions to be correct thus having to face all the pain over again. Too many things weren't adding up so I went ahead and started discreetly poking around. Sure enough she was in yet another full blown affair. I was crushed. I presented the evidence. She, of course, denied everything. When I finally found undisputed evidence she moved out. We've since divorced. I guess my advice is simple. Never let your guard down. That's easier said than done. Not a day went by that I didn't obsess over her actions. Be prepared to live like that for a very long time. I know of marriages that have survived infidelity but unfortunately they're the exception and not the rule. In hindsight I wish I had cut my losses when I origianlly had the opportunity, I wasted many good years. Pity.
65tr6 Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 My question is this, Is it impossible for her to hide an affair should she fall into another one? eddie glad to see you post your update. First and more most, your wife, is she remorseful ? And that only YOU can tell. That is not a guarantee in itself and by means you should let your guard down. But if she is not remorseful, then you could be dealing with someone who could cheat again. Her affair, hopefully, woke you up on couple of fronts...first, to work on yourself (and changing your behavior) and also not to blindly trust your wife. (I believe Dr Harley himself says you should never blindly trust your spouse). I agree with Madmission. The big question is, have you both identified what led your wife to cheat in first place ? Is she aware of it ? What have done to eliminate those conditions ? What has she done apart from maintaining total NC ? About checking on your wife. Folks have different opinions on this. I did it because I didnt trust in wife's decision making. You need to understand she is withdrawing from the OM (an addiction) during this time and going through pain of her own. In my case, I did it to protect myself, my family. After several months, one day, and you will know, I stopped monitoring. Just like that. It does not mean I let my guard down. You know, recovery is not for everyone. You either are in it 100% (more like 200% in the begining) or you don't do it. Half hearted attempts can only lead you to further frustration and pain. And yes it is the BS who takes the lead in the recovery through the initial stages which could last a good few months....I am not saying it works out in every case. Your odds are just that much better. And remember there are no guarantees.
FreezorBurn Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 (edited) I don't want to be checking her cell phone, email etc all the time, it is driving me nuts and the less of it I have to see, the more sleep I get and the better I feel. What do you guys think? Check Everything!, E mails Phone, Get all her passwords (without her knowing is the best) Snoop and spy. I WAS A STUPID NIEVE FOOL. I never wanted to invaid her privacy,Trusted her and gave her space. The result of this? was a EA that lasted 1 Year and nearly the destruction of our marraige. She has no privacy any more and I have No to little trust in her. I demand all passwords and when she is not with the Family, she must give me updates on where she is and who she is with consantly. Not much of a marraige at this point, But she swears she loves the kids and I more then anything. She is willing to go threw this untill I can tust her again. Edited November 20, 2009 by FreezorBurn
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 You know, recovery is not for everyone. You either are in it 100% (more like 200% in the begining) or you don't do it. Half hearted attempts can only lead you to further frustration and pain. And yes it is the BS who takes the lead in the recovery through the initial stages which could last a good few months.... This is why I always say, the BS is a very special and strong person, they have to be the bigger person for a while and (as OWL put it once) allow some slip up's during the withdrawal stage. Doesn't mean the A is going to start up again, but it seems contact can go on and off for abit because of the withdrawal, needing closure, blah blah blah. Stay strong and do read Thumbingmyway's threads. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/member.php?u=13633 Click on his stats and start reading "all threads created by TMW"..
jnj express Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 Hey eddie----the bottom line to all of this---is, she is going to do what she wants, and you really can't stop it, by the same token you conduct your life, as you see fit----what you have to do is make it plain to her, that if any, and I mean any of her actions violate boundaries that you set out for her, there will be strict consequences, on your part. Now those consequences can't just be words, they must be something you will actually do, should she violate your boundaries. You do not want to be a prison guard, or a PI the rest of your mge., but until trust comes back, if ever, you do have to be on high alert. Her remorse, and transparency will help you keep an eye on what she is doing, and feeling. BUT then again cheaters can be extra nice to thier spouse and use that as a cover for deep underground cheating with an AP. NC must be in place at all times, no matter what the circumstances. Eventually your WW will need to go out on her own to run errands, if she does and you have kids, she can take a child along with her. Socially she does nothing w/out you. No girls outings, no afterwork drinking, and I don't even know if these things apply, they are just what is needed to keep your spouse from starting to stray, should she have a proclivity toward straying again. But bottom line she has to want to do all of these things of her own accord. And they will be done for as long as it takes you to finally trust her and give her some freedom to be on her own. If, as I said before she balks about any of this, then you do what you have to do, about spending any more time in your mge.
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