sass050 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I have been married for almost 10 years and we have a handsome 4 year old boy. About 4 months ago, I asked my husband for a separation. I told him I didn't love him anymore and I didn't know why I just didn't anymore. Our relationship started out young we married when we just turned 21. Well he started to go through a very painful time, trying to win me back, change my mind whatever he could do. I just stood by and gave him no sympathy. During our relationship, my husband would make very hurtful comments on my looks or what I was wearing. Which in turn gave me a very low self-esteem. In the last 4 months, he has started counseling. During his sessions, he has come to terms that the reasoning for that was his own insecurities. He also talks to his counselor regarding his own "shortfalls" as a person due to his upbringing and lack of good parenting from his folks. So he has admitted his faults and has whole-heartedly apologized. Two weeks ago he moved out and I thought I was doing good and over him and happy. Then I found out he has been seeing this 10 year younger girl for approximately a week and the relationship is moving fast. they spend the night with each other whenever they can which is when he doesn't have our son. He was ready to take her to his family's house for Thanksgiving. But he continued to tell me he would take me back in a second if I would take have him. I started just casually dating a guy that is really nice, responsible and overall great guy. However, the situation with him has caused me an emotional overload. It made all my emotions that I suppressed over the last 10 years to surface. I realized I separated from him because I didn't feel special, important, or beautiful with him because all I could hear was the hurtful remarks. I don't know what to do. I am going to start seeing our family therapist tomorrow regarding the self-esteem issues and to get a better outlook on myself. However, my feelings now make me scared. I'm confused. I feel sometimes that I could truly be happy with him since we are both getting help for our insecurities and issues. I don't want to hurt this nice guy that I'm seeing but before all this came about he was genuinely I guy I thought I could like. Now that I have emotional overload I feel that there is fault in him either here or there. I have since shared all this with my husband and he and his gf have slowed way down because he realizes it has caused me so much pain and that's the last thing he wants at this time. He has "left" her a few times because he wants to make sure he has done everything he can because he says I am the love of his life. I'm scared to say yes because what if I get help and feel better about myself and we still wouldn't be happy. Or what if I get help and I want to be with him but he has moved on. I don't want to hurt the guy I am seeing now but I can't help but wonder if my husband could truly make me happy. Any advice? Sidenote: Through this all, we both make sure that we are there for our son 100%. We put everything aside when it comes to him and there is no arguing or fussing in front of him. We both know that our son is our #1 priority.
GoodDad Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 It's interesting that all these feelings started coming up when you realized he was dating someone else, but they didn't when you started dating this other guy. As the guy who is making all these changes myself partially in hopes of making my marriage work out, and for myself as well, I understand where your STBX is emotionally a bit as my wife is afraid to give me encouragement as that might give me hope and hurt more if it doesn't work out. In actuality it doesn't matter as I will be just as hurt. In my opinion both you and your STBX are dating way to soon. I understand it must feel good for both of you to get that affirmation coming out of a split-up but you haven't resolved a whole lot of what led to the dissolution of your relationship much less starting up a new one. If both of these folks are "nice guys" or girls as you say they will still be there when you are ready or someone else will. Some advice someone gave me once was learn to swim in the middle of the pool on your own instead of holding on to the edge with one arm and jumping into another relationship this quickly is a bit like that. I hope the counseling helps and take care!! GD
Cranialrupture Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Looks to me as if you both want to make it work but are both scared. Well heres part of the deal I think. Neither of you know how to take care of each other emotionally and are trying different things to cope with your feelings. I wish my stbxw would realize this but insead she just keeps feeding her justification and I keep getting nastier in her mind. Its like fixing a car. (I use this because I am a mechanic.) The engine is making noise and we dont like it. So trade it in for a new model and there is still going to have problems arise with that one. So we decide to fix it instead and go to a mechanic(therapist) and he says what the problem is. Well thats nice and all that you now know the problem but it is still not fixed. Why? because most of us don't know how to fix it. So learn how a car (marriage) is supposed to work. Identify the problem and now that you have been educated on (how a car works and all the parts)what women and men need from a marriage you can truely fix the problem. You and him both need to realize that the only one that can make you happy is yourself. But that doesn't mean you run off and live by yourself. The other can give you everything you ever wanted and you will still not be happy. You will always want more but never be happy. Just look at almost every dictator in history. They always wanted more, more power, more money, more land, etc but it never seemed to be enough with what they had. The happiest people in the world I believe are the ones that give. People like Mother Theresa and Ghandi and the like were far more happy than ones like Hitler. True happiest is in giving, not recieving. When you both give to each other, satisfy the emotional needs of each other, (yes women's are different from men's) and supress the selfish feelings. Then can your marriage work. I am crappy at explaining it, but it looks like you both are looking for greener grass instead of counting your blessings and trying to take care of each other. This is something you BOTH have to realize and believe. If one does not, it will not work. If he is bashing you on your looks he is probably screaming on the inside because he feels like you don't even care enough for him to impress him as you once did when you first got together. It really has nothing to do with your actual appearance rather than trying impress him with your looks. My guess is after awhile you probably stopped dressing up around him and flirting with him and making him feel like he's a knight in shining armor per say. Make yourself seem unique and special. Men love that. I am not an expert in this but am trying to learn so the next relationship I get into I can make it better than the one I just lost. I guess what I am saying is it is like christmas, its not about recieving, its about giving. It looks as both of you are trying to cope with your feelings and empty holes rather than learning to legitamately identify the problem and fix them. The bashing on your looks is just the symptom. Theres something else underneah that. Ok I will shut up now. Good luck.
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