HeavenOrHell Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I'm not coping, I saw a woman at the mental heath unit yesterday, I've been trying with no luck for years to get help with my life long anxiety and depression, my depression has been severe since partner left. He on the other hand has all the help he needs, he has a history of depression, (although functions much better than me, although he didn't agree with that) and has been given a (free) therapist the last 8 years and a support group, he also now has the support of the group of friends I introduced him to and they have dropped contact with me. I have no therapy (except one I pay when I can afford it), no support group, have lost those friends which were originally mine. I am not allowed to join the support group as he is in it, there is only one group. I don't have many friends and am basically trying to deal with this break up alone after 18 years. He has said all along he wants to know how I am doing and if he can help, BUT when I sent an angry text (saying I'm glad one of us a group of friends for hugs and support, none of you have any idea how I feel) saturday when I was feeling left out knowing he and those ex friends of mine were all together, I did apologise by text later, and he said can we talk, and he said he had been upset about the text and it was like he wasn't allowed to be happy cos he'd left me. I said I'm sorry of course you deserve to be happy, I said I wouldn't say anything like that to him again. And the thing which made me feel more alone than I ever felt in my life was when he said surely you must have someone else you can turn to about this and he's not the person to talk to it about. Well actually sometimes there is no-one else. So I guess all the times he's said I want to know how you are, he meant UNLESS you're upset or angry. He doesn't seem to get why I am upset those that group of friends have dropped me now, they were my friends in the first place, he used to think they were cliquey, until he joined them, and to make it worse he used to fancy one of them and she knows it, she is self centred and she knows what it would do to me if they end up together, but she always gets what she wants. My ex and her have never been dumped, they don't have a clue. She cheated on her ex gf and she forgave her and they have been mates ever since (20 years). Anyway, I have had space from him for a month but said I would go to see him saturday. I really want to get across to him how upset I am that I am getting so little support while he gets it all yet I'm the one who's been left. I doubt very much he has felt suicidal over this! I keep wanting to have a go at him about those friends and especially the one he fancied, especially as I let their friendship go first time we knew them years ago cos he fell out with them, so I was loyal to him and didn't get back in touch with them for a long time cos I knew it would hurt him. I feel he had all this therapy and it's made him strong enough to realise he doesn't need me anymore (cheers then) although he says it was cos of my neglect the last 2 years or more.. I want to express my upset to him without sounded bitchy. Or should I just leave it? I guess I only want him to know how much I'm suffering as a way of expressing my hurt over him leaving and saying it's not fair you're getting all the support! But it wont achieve anything will it. But how do I suppress it, it's eating me up inside Also, a tiny part of me is hanging onto the possibility of reconciling one day (he's left me twice before and come back, so how can I not think that) so I don't want to appear desperate or lonely or angry which would push him away. I will see him saturday and decide from there about NC or not. All the way along he has been keen to meet and seems to be a bit put out if I want space, except now I think I'm scaring him off Or maybe he's backing off cos I asked him too, or maybe he needs me less and less I'm worried something has changed though. I don't want to meet him just cos I am lonely now he's gone, I want to see him cos I enjoy his company. I feel like if he stops caring about me I will feel totally alone, it frightens me more than I can say.
sean1970 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 And the thing which made me feel more alone than I ever felt in my life was when he said surely you must have someone else you can turn to about this and he's not the person to talk to it about. Well actually sometimes there is no-one else. ..... Anyway, I have had space from him for a month but said I would go to see him saturday. I really want to get across to him how upset I am that I am getting so little support while he gets it all yet I'm the one who's been left. I doubt very much he has felt suicidal over this! Heaven, how can he help you get over him? It's not possible or even reasonable. I have watched your posts since I have been on LS, over a month now. It is hard to read what you are putting yourself through. You would still have pain, but what you are doing, is ensuring it will last.
nobmagnet Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 oh love, I have the deepest empathy for you. It is very confusing and although I am sure there are still many people who love you andwould dearly like to help you its like a double betrayal. The freinds we make as a couple are important and we make bonds and when it appears they have taken sides it is crushing as you think they balme. you. our emotions are in a terrible place and compounded by your imbalance of "happy hormones" I would like to send you a hug and I dont know you. keep talking people who love you trully do understand and are interested in how you feel xxxx
nobleguy Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Hey Heaven. You are the one person I worry about most when I read posts on here. I wish there was something we could do to really help lift you out of the place your are at the moment - if nothing else, please listen to the previous posters and don't go and see him. Please don't.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Aw, thank you It does help to talk about it here and to hear what everyone says. I feel compelled to see him tomorrow I don't think I can stop myself, but as far as I am concerned it will decide for me whether I can cope with just friendship or whether it is too painful to stay in touch. I get the feeling he has backed off from me a bit after I sent that hurtful text. I have some things I want to say but I don't want to verbally attack like I did in that text, I wont do that again. I actually want to show him I am strong now, (I don't feel it, but I can pretend, I did the other 2 times he left me). And yes I will probably be here on feeling c*** afterwards Hey Heaven. You are the one person I worry about most when I read posts on here. I wish there was something we could do to really help lift you out of the place your are at the moment - if nothing else, please listen to the previous posters and don't go and see him. Please don't.
McGrupp Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 co-dependents anonmyous if you can find one by you http://www.codependents.org/ajax_control.php?action=load_translation&language=1
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 How do I give up the tiny bit of hope of reconciling in the future when he's come back twice before.
GrayClouds Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 How do I give up the tiny bit of hope of reconciling in the future when he's come back twice before. You don't but you get exercises in you, eat well, take omaga 3 and B vitamins, start meditating, yoga, find some boosk that say something to you, join a group, take a class, medication, journaling, and more exercises and that tiny bit of hope leaves on its own.
soheartbroken Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Agree with GrayClouds. You can't just will the hope away. Don't even bother trying. I mean, the most you can do is not actively pursue him, perhaps go NC (more on that in your NC thread). I think the hope just fades...I don't know. I'm also close to 4.5 months and I still have hope. Though at this point, I wouldn't be back with her unless she also did some individual counseling (which she wouldn't do, so rationally there is no hope). I'm total NC, not trying to do anything to get her back (but also trying not to push her away even further, so in a sense that's holding onto hope...if that makes sense. If I really believed there was no hope, then I would send her a long ranting email with all the things I never got to say. That might be the nail in the coffin though, so I won't send the email until I have no more hope). I can hear all the agony you're going through by the way! I feel for you. Bottom line, don't worry about having hope. It's normal.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 I'm starting to take more care of myself now, which I haven't done much since he left, and building up a life without him, have found a wonderful yoga group which I love going to. I keep meaning to start journalling, I am already a scrapbooker. You don't but you get exercises in you, eat well, take omaga 3 and B vitamins, start meditating, yoga, find some boosk that say something to you, join a group, take a class, medication, journaling, and more exercises and that tiny bit of hope leaves on its own.
Author HeavenOrHell Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Thanks hun. (((hugs))) to you, you're not exactly having an easy time either. Agree with GrayClouds. You can't just will the hope away. Don't even bother trying. I mean, the most you can do is not actively pursue him, perhaps go NC (more on that in your NC thread). I think the hope just fades...I don't know. I'm also close to 4.5 months and I still have hope. Though at this point, I wouldn't be back with her unless she also did some individual counseling (which she wouldn't do, so rationally there is no hope). I'm total NC, not trying to do anything to get her back (but also trying not to push her away even further, so in a sense that's holding onto hope...if that makes sense. If I really believed there was no hope, then I would send her a long ranting email with all the things I never got to say. That might be the nail in the coffin though, so I won't send the email until I have no more hope). I can hear all the agony you're going through by the way! I feel for you. Bottom line, don't worry about having hope. It's normal.
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