Guitarjeff Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 I always felt that vows were not only to the other person, but to myself as well. If you cheat, you'll be breaking vows not only to him, but to your own self as well. Get out of the marriage first--a divorce is legal, you know. No one has a right to the rest of your life but you, your children, parents. and family. Would you want your kids saying later in life, "Mom and Dad both had affairs on each other"? Don't drop to his level. Be true to yourself and to the vows you made to yourself. You can divorce if you need to, but wait for that to happen before having sex with someone else, you'll feel better about yourself over the long haul. Take the honorable way out at every turn. Just my thoughts.
Toodamnpragmatic Posted November 22, 2009 Posted November 22, 2009 (edited) Your husband cheated and I don't know the background. He may very well be an unredeeming character or serial philanderer.... You on the other hand had a revenge affair, shoved his face in it, have suggested that you have an open marriage and then to add insult told him you are about to have another affair. What did you expect the response to be (though violence is 100% wrong)? You also used the old "married too early and while H did, I didn't sow my oats cr&p.....". Get an attorney, separate and end this drama...... Usually I say fight to save a marriage, but you clearly have issues. Edited November 22, 2009 by Toodamnpragmatic
Author aeh Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Yes, I do have issues!~ And I am disgusted with myself, too. Disgusted with my feelings, disgusted at the rage I have, disgusted that I can't so easily forgive. We went out this weekend and had a nice time together both nights. I think after the last week we are both about as mentally strung out as can be. I am truly trying to rekindle feelings for my H as I don't want to hurt my kids. I am going to work at it as long as I can. I haven't contacted OM and if he does contact me, I will be telling him, "Sorry, can't do this. I'm married and committed to it." I am going with the whole "fake it til you make it" approach.
NOTSURE7 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 aeh-you know i have watched your story as i am very similiar to your H... i have to be honest,what you are doing here is no better than what your H did,i dont know why your not seeing it,you pining over an om,you have already had you revenge affair,so you too have slept with another while being married.. I know first hand that its not fair what your H did to you but you decided to give him another chance but thats not really what you are doing at all... since i am going through the same proccess with my W,i actually feel bad for your H,i know what it takes and if he is truly remourseful then i know what he is going through, this has to be hard on him now,watching you carry on like this.. to me you are doing the same thing that your H did to you except the fact you are giving him a blow by blow(no pun intended) description every step of the way... how do you expect he would react?,its no different than what he did to you,you already went and had a revenge affair and now you think your single...you chose to give your husband the chance after his A,but then you went and had a revenge affair,he is seemingly doing everything you asked him too but the marriage cant work because you are no longer committed to him or commited to the rebuilding proccess that he was under the assumption you wanted... although your husband is fully to blame for having the A,it takes two to rebuild a marriage and as i see it you are not doing your part right now,you are seeking out other men and giving your husband every detail,is that really fair?,do you expect he is going to just enjoy it and be happy?..put yourself in his shoes, when he was cheating on you, how would you have reacted if instead of hiding it he was telling you everything about the ow and giving you details and almost gloating in what he was doing?..i cant imagine it would be any different of a reaction than he is having now.. bottom line is aeh, you have to get off the see saw,make a firm decision,if you want out then you have every right to get out but if you want your H and your marriage and want to truly go to mc and make things right then you need to cut out all the extra cirricular activity and work every single day along with your hopefully loving,remourseful husband to make this right... but if this isisnt what you want then its time to cut bait because its not fair to you or him or your children.. just to let you know,if you actually give this proccess a chance there can be some wonderful loving moments and you can truly start to build a new and loving and most of all real connection,but you have to want it and i dont think you do.. good luck aeh
Author aeh Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Believe it or not, there have been many wonderful, loving moments over the last five months. On the other hand, we have been in the depths of despair as well. I think one thing is that we have to stop talking about it all. We have talked it to death in the spirit of being open and communicative. I don't disagree that I have done the same as he did to me. Only difference is that his A began unprovoked and continued on for almost a year with many lies and much deception. Seems dishonesty is what gets rewarded around here. But seriously, I do wonder if I'm not "permanently broken". Will I always be wondering, "Would that guy have done this to me?" "Would he have broken my heart like this?" And I guess, in retrospect, maybe I always had doubts in some ways about whether my husband was really the right one for me and then he screwed me in the end anyway and so it makes whatever else is out there look that much more appealing. We had/do still have loving moments, are still having sex. This is the rollercoaster from hell.
NOTSURE7 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Believe it or not, there have been many wonderful, loving moments over the last five months. On the other hand, we have been in the depths of despair as well. I think one thing is that we have to stop talking about it all. We have talked it to death in the spirit of being open and communicative. I don't disagree that I have done the same as he did to me. Only difference is that his A began unprovoked and continued on for almost a year with many lies and much deception. Seems dishonesty is what gets rewarded around here. But seriously, I do wonder if I'm not "permanently broken". Will I always be wondering, "Would that guy have done this to me?" "Would he have broken my heart like this?" And I guess, in retrospect, maybe I always had doubts in some ways about whether my husband was really the right one for me and then he screwed me in the end anyway and so it makes whatever else is out there look that much more appealing. We had/do still have loving moments, are still having sex. This is the rollercoaster from hell. i know your going through a rollercoaster of emotions,beleive me i know.. but some of the things your saying and justiftying are ridiculous.. because his A started unprovoked and had lots of lies and deception dosent make what you are doing any better, an affair is an affair,sex with another while married, you had your revenge affair and now you want more. but because you are giving your H every detail somehow this is justified as ok..think about this aeh,it makes no sense... To be honest in reading i cant understand what the heck you want,you are all over the place so i cant imagine your H has any clear picture either...how can he make this better for you when he cant possibly know what you really want... This theory that every other man out there is so great and wont do these things to you is also riduclous,yes of course there are good men out there but there are also good men who make mistakes... if you love your husband and you truly want your marriage this can happen but you need to cut out all the extra bs... you pining for the om and thinking that your night is on his horse ready to pull up at any moment is ridiclous... all the while your h thinks that you want him and from what you have said he is doing everything to show you he is remourseful,you dont have to stop talking about it but start talking about it in posisive ways,stay in the present... but again unless you figure out what you really want your rollecoaster is going nowhere and i know this might not sound right but its not fair to you H..
Author aeh Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 To be honest in reading i cant understand what the heck you want,you are all over the place so i cant imagine your H has any clear picture either...how can he make this better for you when he cant possibly know what you really want... True, I don't know what I want. I'm all over the place. I do love my H. I love my kids even more. I'm here at this point because of them and hoping that things will change in my heart and mind. This theory that every other man out there is so great and wont do these things to you is also riduclous,yes of course there are good men out there but there are also good men who make mistakes... I am going to recite this to myself over and over. if you love your husband and you truly want your marriage this can happen but you need to cut out all the extra bs... you pining for the om and thinking that your night is on his horse ready to pull up at any moment is ridiclous... I'm really not pining for the OM. I was thinking about him like crazy last week, am definitely attracted to the IDEA of him, but I think it's also more about what he represents all the while your h thinks that you want him and from what you have said he is doing everything to show you he is remourseful,you dont have to stop talking about it but start talking about it in posisive ways,stay in the present... but again unless you figure out what you really want your rollecoaster is going nowhere and i know this might not sound right but its not fair to you H.. In my less rational moments (a lot these days , I think who gives a flying leap about what's fair to my H. It's not fair he had a year of getting his jollies and I had two weeks. I know, it's screwed up, no one has to point that out. I'm just telling my honest feelings here. Yes, he's remorseful, now that he has been caught.
Brokenlady Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 True, I don't know what I want. I'm all over the place. I do love my H. I love my kids even more. I'm here at this point because of them and hoping that things will change in my heart and mind. I've seen BS's say over and over that they wouldn't want their H's to stay "only for the kids". If that's truly the only reason you are still there, you're not giving the marriage a fair chance, nor being fair to your H. To say you love him is one thing. To be "in love" and really invested is another. And I'm seeing many things indicating that you aren't "in love" with your H. It might be time to really examine your reasons for staying and whether you want to just cut bait. This theory that every other man out there is so great and wont do these things to you is also riduclous,yes of course there are good men out there but there are also good men who make mistakes... A one night stand is a mistake. A year-long affair with repeated meetings that only stopped because he got caught is more than just a "mistake". Some people can get past that, some can't. It doesn't seem that you're questioning if he's a good man so much as you are questioning if he's a good man for you. And that's probably something to look at. Maybe another man would treat you better, maybe not. All of that future thinking isn't going to help, and is not relavent to the decisions you have to make now. Based on what you know right now, it sort of sounds like your head is already out of your marriage and is just waiting for your feet to follow. In my less rational moments (a lot these days , I think who gives a flying leap about what's fair to my H. It's not fair he had a year of getting his jollies and I had two weeks. I know, it's screwed up, no one has to point that out. I'm just telling my honest feelings here. Yes, he's remorseful, now that he has been caught. I think it's understandable. You've been thrown into the awful place of having to crawl over glass on your belly uphill to save your marriage when you didn't even realize it had been in so much trouble. Walking away looks good. I wonder though, do you suppose that you've been thinking of leaving or being with other men on some level before your H's A? I wonder if maybe his A just broke the dam and gave you permission to seek out what you felt was missing for a long time anyway?
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