the agony and the ecstasy

[aeh]

My story continues..

 

For those of you who might remember, I discovered my H's 10 month long affair back in June. (backstory is that I married my H at 23..he was almost 30..so he had his 20s to do the dating thing..I never did, but no one held a gun to my head to get married. H was always jealous and possessive, didn't want me ever going out with girlfriend's to a bar for a drink or any other situation..to top it all off, he showed up at my bachelorette party and cast a pall over it when some guys were innocently talking to those at our table...ruined the whole night...yet he was taken to a strip club for his bachelor party. I have been hit on by others but had never done anything. The first person that ever hit on him, a co-worker, becomes his MOW.

 

So, I find out about it and almost lose my mind. All the usual things--lose a lot of weight, can't sleep, focus, make decision, am full of rage, cannot hear anything about forgiveness, feel how unfair it all is, etc. I go and have a revenge affair-basically sleep with an old boyfriend 4X--and upfront and honest about it. I don't drink (tried to--did for a week--couldn't physically take it--would have done anything to numb the pain..), don't smoke or do drugs, etc. Sex was my drug.

 

So, ever since the day I found out, I don't feel married--had hopes that we would be stronger in the end, lots of hysterical bonding etc but still never feel married, am silently enraged. Went to MC 5X. She said how well we got along, how communicative we seem to be, everything she tells me I feel I already intellectually know.

 

Fast forward to five months later...still wanting to be single. Am here for the kids bc I don't want their world to be ripped apart. Out last weekend, I met someone who is everything I have ever dreamed of--someone who is in a whole different league/ Actually, ironically, most of the guys who have pursued me that I have met while out and about are in a whole different league than a lot of guys I dated while younger. Anyway, this guy takes the cake though.

 

I have emailed and spoken with this guy a few times and on a whim, went by for a glass of wine (even though i don't drink) the other night. All was prim and proper til the end, when we then kissed and the sexual tension was like something I've never felt. I left and we made vague plans for later this week and he was going to take off work to see me. I was over the moon about it. I came home and was upfront with my H about OM. He hit the roof, naturally, was screaming in my face and actually kind of hit me. I have never been so terrified. (It was more of a spanking as I stood on the floor leaning over onto the bed, sobbing into my hands and he hit me really hard on the butt like a spanking!! )

 

I have to hurry and am leaving out some details but have agreed that I won't see OM on Fri even though I am dying to. H wants me to come sit at his work on Fri to make sure. I agreed, while sobbing, knowing that it's time to climb back into my cage, so that my kids will have a nice intact family. I am in agony over losing out on a chance with OM. He (my H) succumbed to the first person that hit on him without any provocation by me and I have resisted many. And now, a dream of a guy is standing before me and my H cheated on me and I don't want to be here but I don't know how to survive otherwise so I am trapped.

 

What do I do?

 

Here i have been feeling caged in for so long, got screwed in the end and now want to be single, but have no idea how I would support myself since I have never worked. We live in a very expensive area and one of us must live in this area for the kids to go to the same school.

[whichwayisup]

Go see a Lawyer. Now. He hit you! How is that good for your kids? Also some counselling will help.

 

I know you're scared, and not working doesn't help, but you can find a job. You can get support from family and friends to help you through this.

 

It seems you don't love your H, and each of you have issues that need to be fixed.

[Snowflower]

Hi aeh,

 

I have followed your story here with interest.

 

I wish in some ways I could be more like you (I'm being very honest here)...but I still love my H and want to be with him. But I often wish I didn't love him so much because then I could go on with my life easier...I wouldn't feel this huge betrayal quite so deeply. I wish I could be more like, "oh well, I'll go live my own life without him." But no, I still care too much and love him too much. I still want to be married to my H even though I wish sometimes that I didn't want it so much. He betrayed me and I still want to be with him, how sick is that?

 

In all actuality, my H has done pretty much everything he could to make up for what he did. He has been completely transparent, loving, committed to me...basically a great, almost perfect, husband for the last year. I pretty much trust him and I can see that yes, despite everything, he really is a good person. I guess I should get over it.

 

Okay, enough about me...aeh, why in the world did you tell your H about this other guy that you are attracted to? I'm not bashing you at ALL 'cuz I can kind of understand...but what did you hope to get out of telling your H?

 

Do you want to hurt him back for what he did to you? Do you want him to pull the plug and divorce file for divorce? Do you want him to fight for you?

 

Why did you tell him?

[PhoenixRise]

I think that freedom isn't free AEH.

 

You want to be free of your M and your H. I don't blame you. You have every right to feel that way.

 

I am guessing you and your H agreed for you not to work so that you could be a full time mother and you have done this.

 

If you want a change then make a change.

 

Spend some time figuring out what kind of career you want to have and then get trained to do it. Start now. Don't spend the rest of your life feeling trapped or feeling like you have no options. Get a marketable skill so that you have choices.

 

In the meantime see a lawyer. Find out what you are entitled to in the event of a legal separation or divorce. Your H will have to continue to contribute to your and your children living expenses. Get informed and know all your options.

 

AEH I truly believe that you are not doing your children any favors by staying just for them while you are dying to get free. They must feel the tension. they must hear the fights. They must know that you both are miserable.

 

AS far as the OM is concerned....you know that you are attracted to him...but you really don't know what kind of man he is. Is it possible that a good part of your intense attraction for a man you just met is that he represents an escape from your marriage?

[Spark1111]

Good question Snowflower.

 

Aeh, you are conflicted and I think separation would be good for you. It would be the most honest choice you could make right now.

 

Don't climb into your cage. Do not allow ever, anyone to hit you again.

 

Continue seeing the MC, but please start IC too.

 

Can the MC see you before Friday? An emergency session?

 

You should not be held prisoner in an unhappy relationship if you have developed feelings for someone else. Just be honest about it all without fear.

 

Your husband sounds as if the relationship is still all about having his needs met. His affair is over, now let's be happy family again.

 

Someone, the MC, should tell him it doesn't always work that way.

[Snowflower]

Your husband sounds as if the relationship is still all about having his needs met. His affair is over, now let's be happy family again.

 

Someone, the MC, should tell him it doesn't always work that way.

 

I agree with what spark posted here and from what you post aeh, do you think this is true?

 

Personally, I would be concerned that the MC is only pointing out how well you guys get along and how well you communicate. Was 5X really enough MC for the two of you...it didn't seem to really scratch the surface?

 

I think more MC is in order...get one that is trained in dealing with infidelity. I'm not saying you have to try to save the marriage but a good MC will help you and your husband sort out what you should do about your marriage. I know of another poster here (I'm always reluctant to name posters who are not actively posting on a particular thread) who is using MC to decide how to end her marriage. So, MC can also be used not to save a marriage but how to end it amicably.

[PhoenixRise]

I agree with what spark posted here and from what you post aeh, do you think this is true?

 

Personally, I would be concerned that the MC is only pointing out how well you guys get along and how well you communicate. Was 5X really enough MC for the two of you...it didn't seem to really scratch the surface?

 

I think more MC is in order...get one that is trained in dealing with infidelity. I'm not saying you have to try to save the marriage but a good MC will help you and your husband sort out what you should do about your marriage. I know of another poster here (I'm always reluctant to name posters who are not actively posting on a particular thread) who is using MC to decide how to end her marriage. So, MC can also be used not to save a marriage but how to end it amicably.

 

 

I agree with this. The MC clearly needs to buy a clue if he/she has not dug deep enough to know beyond any doubt that you are raging.

 

I didn't say so in my initial post but I want to echo what others have said here...your H has no right whatsoever to hit you.

 

Seems that he doesn't like the idea of sharing his spouse with another....imagine getting upset about such a thing:rolleyes:.

 

 

Good luck AEH

 

Don't think, not even for one more minute, that you are trapped. You are much more powerful than you realize.

 

((((AEH)))))

[aeh]

Thank you for your replies. You have no idea what they mean to me today. I cried in the shower, cried while blowdrying my hair. It sounds weird to say he hit me, with it being a "spanking", that was so weird. And so out of character for him. I told him about the other guy because I wanted to be upfront and honest with him, very unlike he was with me. Part of me just wishes I had not told him and still seen OM tomorrow to see how it goes. I am mad at myself for being honest. My ideal thing would be to separate but he won't go for it. I even broached a "marriage of convenience" so that we stayed together for the kids sake until they are done with school. (They are early teens)and then are free to explore "outside interests". You would never believe, nor would I, that I would think of this. We live in a VERY conventional, conservative and wealthy area. But I am at my wits end.

 

My H has asked for me to come sit at his office tomorrow all day so he can know where I am. He doesn't order me to, more like asks me sweetly, but I know it's obviously just to "monitor" me. We go to lunch every day and he texts me nonstop...most of which I am sure it to get a feeling for what I am doing. He is normally a very rational, logical, diplomatic and well-spoken guy. He has no tendency towards violence at all before this. I think it surprised him. The "spanking" came when he was asking for my password on my email bc he wanted to see what emails the OM and I had exchanged. I balked and balked, cried, begged for him to not read them as I was embarrassed as to their flirty contents..but I think in reality after he got the password and saw what they were he was quite relieved. The worst was that I stated I did want to see the OM, and that I thought he was handsome and I didn't know how much longer we would be married. Maybe he thought we did some dirty talk or something???

 

I have felt like I am "ripe for the picking" for awhile now. My heart has closed down since D Day and I knew if the right man came along it might not bode well. There have been literally dozens of opportunities since then but I can always find some "defect" in the guy. I want to feel passionately in love again. I think the HB opened my eyes to how it used to be. I do love my H. He has been remorseful for the most part, transparent, always treats me kindly with the exception of the other day (the argument lasted late into the night and into the next morning when he woke up the kids screaming. "Your mother and I are getting a divorce. Your mother screwed me over!" Yes, that was how they were awoken before school. And here after his A came out, I covered for him, (when the kids saw me crying, bereft, for weeks and said we just weren't getting along--obviously didn't tell them anything blaming their dad...and here he screams this at them instead of doing the whole sit-down talk of "this has nothing to do with you. Your mother and I still love each other but aren't getting along...etc" I was dumbfounded. Who is this jerk that I married? He's literally out of his mind with rage at me.

 

I think we will need to find a new MC, one who is better. She did acknowledge my feelings, does now see the internal rage from me and the remorse from my H but I'm just not getting enough. I'm curious about what else/who else is out there. I don't want to be divorced and I don't want to be married.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

You are not ready for a date, relationship, or anything involving another man.

Your husband messed up BIG time.

I know what it feels like...I am a betrayed man.

 

Either work on your marriage or get out.

If you divorce..get YOURSELF well before you rebound with someone else.

[NOTSURE7]

hi aeh..

 

my take on this might not be favorable but i call it the way i read it...

 

to me you are doing the same thing that your H did to you except the fact you are giving him a blow by blow(no pun intended) description every step of the way...

 

how do you expect he would react?,its no different than what he did to you,you already went and had a revenge affair and now you are carrying on like a single woman but you are still married...you chose to give your husband the chance after his A,but then you went and had a revenge affair,he is seemingly doing everything you asked him too but the marriage cant work because you are no longer committed to him or commited to the rebuilding proccess that he was under the assumption you wanted...

 

although your husband is fully to blame for having the A,it takes two to rebuild a marriage and as i see it you are not doing your part right now,you are seeking out other men and giving your husband every detail,is that really fair?,do you expect he is going to just enjoy it and be happy?..put yourself in his shoes, when he was cheating on you, how would you have reacted if instead of hiding it he was telling you everything about the ow and giving you details and almost gloating in what he was doing?..i cant imagine it would be any different of a reaction than he is having now..

 

bottom line is aeh, you have to get off the see saw,make a firm decision,if you want out then you have every right to get out but if you want your H and your marriage and want to truly go to mc and make things right then you need to cut out all the extra cirricular activity and work every single day along with your hopefully loving,remourseful husband to make this right...

 

but if this isisnt what you want then its time to cut bait because its not fair to you or him or your children..

 

good luck in whatever path you choose

Edited November 19, 2009 by NOTSURE7

[aeh]

I don't want to be married is probably my prevailing feeling.

 

It really isn't intending to give him the blow by blow of extracurricular interests...I so wish I'd hidden what I did (it was only kissing, but still...) It's more like the perfect storm of wanting to be free, not wanting to commit, being tired of a possessive husband who went out and cheated on me, disillusionment with marriage, meeting someone who is a huge temptation. All I want to do right now is have fun when I can.

[NOTSURE7]

I don't want to be married is probably my prevailing feeling.

 

It really isn't intending to give him the blow by blow of extracurricular interests...I so wish I'd hidden what I did (it was only kissing, but still...) It's more like the perfect storm of wanting to be free, not wanting to commit, being tired of a possessive husband who went out and cheated on me, disillusionment with marriage, meeting someone who is a huge temptation. All I want to do right now is have fun when I can.

 

well then you have made a decision and its not to work on your marriage,its not to give your h another chance,its not to go to mc and try to make things work...

 

instead you want to be single and free and have fun,well then you should, but you need to divorce your h and no longer lead him to believe that you want this to work..

[aeh]

Yes I know that. But I am so scared to be on my own and to do this to our great kids.

 

I am DYING to see OM tomorrow, part of me feels like "F my husband!" He cheated on me for someone who wasn't his ideal, and here I am with this guy who is unlike anyone else I've ever had an opportunity with. My H keep saying. "well, it wasn't as black and white when I cheated. You know that you could lose us now if you cheat. I didn't know that." and I replied, "wasn't that what our marriage vows were for? isn't that when we had that discussion?"

[Spark1111]

I so get this aeh. I told my husband that I have a reoccuring fantasy of a real nice guy coming along--one, who would never cheat on me.

 

The vulnerability I felt for months afterwards was because I was unsure I wanted to be married to this man., so great was the pain of his betrayal, so for a long time I sat on the fence. In retrospect, it would have been healthier for me to separate for longer than the 3 months we did.

 

Our early days at MC were not successful because I was not ready to re-commit to the marriage, and he perceived (rightfully, so) that I wanted to counselor to "fix" him. He was also somewhat justifying his actions. I blew up. We both were not ready.

 

He also started monitoring my whereabouts. It is called projection. On some level, he realized I was not committing to him and became extremely jealous and controlling at times. It is a normal part of the betrayer's response. They realize how easy it was to deceve some one they love, that now they can't trust you.

 

If you so easily found feelings for another, you need to take a long hard look at the future you do want to have.

 

And after an affair, that can be the hardest question to answer: Will I be happier with him, or without him.

 

Only you can answer that question.

[hopeless4u]

Thank you for your replies. You have no idea what they mean to me today. I cried in the shower, cried while blowdrying my hair. It sounds weird to say he hit me, with it being a "spanking", that was so weird. And so out of character for him. I told him about the other guy because I wanted to be upfront and honest with him, very unlike he was with me. Part of me just wishes I had not told him and still seen OM tomorrow to see how it goes. I am mad at myself for being honest. My ideal thing would be to separate but he won't go for it. I even broached a "marriage of convenience" so that we stayed together for the kids sake until they are done with school. (They are early teens)and then are free to explore "outside interests". You would never believe, nor would I, that I would think of this. We live in a VERY conventional, conservative and wealthy area. But I am at my wits end.

 

My H has asked for me to come sit at his office tomorrow all day so he can know where I am. He doesn't order me to, more like asks me sweetly, but I know it's obviously just to "monitor" me. We go to lunch every day and he texts me nonstop...most of which I am sure it to get a feeling for what I am doing. He is normally a very rational, logical, diplomatic and well-spoken guy. He has no tendency towards violence at all before this. I think it surprised him. The "spanking" came when he was asking for my password on my email bc he wanted to see what emails the OM and I had exchanged. I balked and balked, cried, begged for him to not read them as I was embarrassed as to their flirty contents..but I think in reality after he got the password and saw what they were he was quite relieved. The worst was that I stated I did want to see the OM, and that I thought he was handsome and I didn't know how much longer we would be married. Maybe he thought we did some dirty talk or something???

 

I have felt like I am "ripe for the picking" for awhile now. My heart has closed down since D Day and I knew if the right man came along it might not bode well. There have been literally dozens of opportunities since then but I can always find some "defect" in the guy. I want to feel passionately in love again. I think the HB opened my eyes to how it used to be. I do love my H. He has been remorseful for the most part, transparent, always treats me kindly with the exception of the other day (the argument lasted late into the night and into the next morning when he woke up the kids screaming. "Your mother and I are getting a divorce. Your mother screwed me over!" Yes, that was how they were awoken before school. And here after his A came out, I covered for him, (when the kids saw me crying, bereft, for weeks and said we just weren't getting along--obviously didn't tell them anything blaming their dad...and here he screams this at them instead of doing the whole sit-down talk of "this has nothing to do with you. Your mother and I still love each other but aren't getting along...etc" I was dumbfounded. Who is this jerk that I married? He's literally out of his mind with rage at me.

 

I think we will need to find a new MC, one who is better. She did acknowledge my feelings, does now see the internal rage from me and the remorse from my H but I'm just not getting enough. I'm curious about what else/who else is out there. I don't want to be divorced and I don't want to be married.

OMG!! I haven't had the chance to read the rest of the posts as THIS has SO TOTALLY RAGED me!! Who does your H think he is!! I was the BW a long time ago and our son was 9 at the time and believe me I was heartbroken, angry and totally hated my WH for a time but NEVER would I of let my son see any of this, even now we are friends and both of us have put OUR son first. I'm in the UK so have no idea how things work where you are but my advise is to get out as soon as you can, your children will not thank you and from the sound of this post your H doesn't care about the damage he is doing to them just as long as he keeps you in 'check'!!

I really am sorry if this sounds harsh but it just made me so angry.

Good luck to you and your children xx

[foreal]

(((AEH)))

 

DO NOT GO SEE OM. DO NOT SPEAK TO, CONTACT, SMOKE SIGNAL, ETC ETC ANYTHING with this OM..or any other OM...for now.

 

First of all, your emotions are all over the place...if this OM is as wonderful as you think, he deserves an emotionally in tact woman, right?

 

But more than that, YOU need to be emotionally in tact for yourself and your children, right?

 

And let's face it: you are not emotionally balanced right now.

 

You have just shared some things about your H that you have not before: his jealousy and possessiveness that he's had thruout your M. It seemed these traits came out after the A was revealed, but now you've told us he's been this way since the beginning (he crashed your bachelorette party!!)

 

We are also getting more info about how he speaks to you in front of your kids: absolutely disrespectfully. I remember a post you did a few weeks (months?) ago where he said some nasty stuff to you about what you were wearing etc...so this is a pattern, or so it seems.

 

I get that you want to see OM...BADLY. Understandable. But don't do it!!

Although you don't feel married, you ARE married. And you do have your kids in your home.

 

You know you can't go into a new R or life while you are still in another:

 

One foot in the past, one foot in the future equals ****ti@$g on the present.

 

Your PRESENT is all F'd up. Your H and OM and everyone but YOU are in control. Going to meet OM is giving your power away. TAKE CONTROL OF YOURSELF.

 

Instead of being chained to your H's desk at work, or going to meet OM for coffee, make an appt with a lawyer. Find the best divorce atty in your city.....in fact, find the top three, and lay down a grand for the first visit- each will probably be @ $300 for the 'consultation'. But once you see these top 3, your H will not be able to use them...

 

Seeing a divorce lawyer, or even making the appts may help you. When I made the appt to see one, at first I was elated, I felt empowered...but as the day got closer, I began to feel weird..I knew I wasn't ready for that- and I was confident my H wasn't either....but I felt in control....it was MY decision....I decided to wait.....but you very well may be ready..at least to go speak with them to find out what you can expect.

 

But first thing's first..

 

You ARE ripe for the picking...but please try to remember you are not some low hanging fruit- stop acting like you are!!

 

Are you in IC? If not, make that appt too.

 

Just my 2 cents...(((AEH)))

[jwi71]

1) Call 911 and report the spousal abuse. Your "wonderful" H has earned the free nights in the county "hotel".

2) Take this police report and march yourself to the nearest lawyer. File for D and any TRO and EO's you need.

3) Find good IC, heal yourself

4) Find good therapy for the kids.

5) Ignore the OM. He will only inflame and enrage your stbxh and make things worse.

 

Good luck...divorce is the end of one R and the start of another...

 

JW

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Devil's advocate: It seems to me that if you don't want to be married, and you do want to see this OM, then you can instigate the former by simply doing the latter.

 

Just realize that this OM is not 'all that', and likely quite stupid, if he's willing to mess around with a married woman. Does he know your H is controlling?

[Snowflower]

1) Call 911 and report the spousal abuse. Your "wonderful" H has earned the free nights in the county "hotel".

2) Take this police report and march yourself to the nearest lawyer. File for D and any TRO and EO's you need.

3) Find good IC, heal yourself

4) Find good therapy for the kids.

5) Ignore the OM. He will only inflame and enrage your stbxh and make things worse.

 

Good luck...divorce is the end of one R and the start of another...

 

JW

 

With the exception of #3 #4 and #5 IMO this is terrible advice. I'm sorry.

 

I'm going only on what AEH has posted here but give me a break, her H is not a batterer/abuser so calling the police and having him arrested is just going to make a bad situation worse. I'm speaking from my professional background when I say the H is not a batterer based on what aeh is posting. According to what aeh posts, there has not been repeated physical abuse, no physical threats, he is not hitting her in front of the kids, etc.

 

Furthermore, if aeh has her H arrested, she will have to explain to her kids why Dad was taken away in handcuffs. Those poor kids are likely frightened and uncertain enough. Is having their father arrested really going to make this easier for them...for having him spank her on the butt? AEH, I hope you don't seriously consider this.

 

AEH, you are taunting your H with your threats of seeing another man. Some people think cheating spouses have no right to have any feelings 'about anything and 'get what they deserve but geez, your H is going to react to what you are saying/doing. He is human. What do you expect from him?

 

Also, you need to 'own' your RA. I'm not judging you...I'm a BS myself but I knew a RA on my part would greatly complicate my already complicated situation as it appears to have done for you. Trust me, I understand...I had fantasies of meeting someone and having my H catch us together so I can certainly empathize. However, your RA and repeated taunting of your H is making a volatile situation in your house. I almost feel sorry for your H in a way and can kind of understand why he is so upset right now.

 

Sorry for the harsh post but please don't make a bad situation worse by acting in a rash manner such as seeing the OM tomorrow, getting your H arrested, etc.

 

(((hugs)))

[PhoenixRise]

I have to agree that it is a BAD BAD BAD idea to meet with this OM.

 

AEH you are reacting from a raw emotional place. Your feelings are understandable.

 

BUT at some point you have to stop reacting based solely on your emotions. I am not saying you are wrong to feel how you feel or that you should stop feeling. I am say that you can't afford for emotion to be the only thing driving you.

 

Considering the emotional state you are in and the current on going destruction of your marriage, and the volatile family dynamics you are living with, the chances that you have attracted a stable loving, sincere man (this OM) are slim to none. What you have probably attracted is a hot mess wrapped up in a pretty package.

 

An OM is not going to solve your problems. AN OM is not going to fix your marriage (if that is what you want). An OM is not going to help you divorce in a way that will make it possible for you to successfully co-parent with your H (if that is what you want).

 

AND an OM is not going to help you rebuild your sense of self worth that has been been destroyed by the affair.

 

Start figuring out how you can take some control of this situation and the rest of your life. Get yourself some IC and work on your own healing.

 

See a lawyer and find out where you stand in terms of a divorce. Know what your options are.

 

You can do this.

 

OM will only help you hide from your problems....for awhile.....until they explode in your face and your options to chose are taken away.

[RedDevil66]

You are not ready for a date, relationship, or anything involving another man.

Your husband messed up BIG time.

I know what it feels like...I am a betrayed man.

 

Either work on your marriage or get out.

If you divorce..get YOURSELF well before you rebound with someone else.

 

I agree with this. This great other man you met is called a rebound and this involved only a lot more pain.

Focus on you. I know you want to feel loved and needed but going from one to another without healing is a recipe for disaster

 

hugs

[65tr6]

I agree with blindside as well.

 

You are not ready for a relationship. Your emotions are all over.

 

DO NOT SEE THE OM.

 

You need sanity in your home right now. Both you and your husband need to realize this fairly quickly.

[Brokenlady]

AEH, As wonderful as this OM may be, does he even know you are married? IF he is really so great, I would think that you wouldn't want to get things off on the wrong foot by starting into an affair. It will ruin your chances of a good relationship later. If it's truly meant to be, he'll be around after you've filed for divorce. That being said, I would NOT indulge your husband's ridiculous request to babysit you at his workplace. IF you two can't trust each other, then why bother? There's nothing left.

 

The cage analogy is interesting. That's how DM described it with his xW. He said that he felt like everyone was telling him to quit the affair and crawl back into his little cage where she could control his every move. Not a pleasant feeling I am sure.

 

It seems you want out of the marriage. So why fight what you feel is right? I'm guessing you weren't blissfully happy with him even before the affair but it sounds like not enough has happened to justify divorce in your mind. If the only reason you want to stay is fear and your kids, think again.

[aeh]

Thank you for your replies and thanks for the hugs.

 

Let me tell you what has gone down:

 

Yesterday I was a complete mess. Crying in the shower, etc as I said. I so badly wanted to see OM. Went to lunch with my H. At one point, my H got choked up and had to excuse himself to go cry in the restroom. I really felt bad. Yes, I do own my RA although truly it was a convenience thing an act of desperation, not someone I was completely lusting after etc. But yes, still I had it and it numbed my pain for awhile.

 

Told my H yesterday I would NOT meet OM today although I had serious doubts about my resolve and was truly scared of what I might do. Also told my H, with painful honestly, that I hoped like hell he didn't contact me and it would all go away. I didn't check my email all day because I was scared to read it...Finally before bed checked it and OM said he needed to take a rain check and reschedule. I was disappointed slightly at first but then the bigger feeling was relief. The choice was out of my hands and I didn't know if I could make the right choice to begin with. I felt happier and like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

 

On the one hand, my poor H. My honesty has probably been brutal. I told him that I had initially considered just seeing OM on the sly today, but felt like I had to explore it more when OM and I met on Tues. It was literally like the world stopped for me when I met OM. In some ways, this has been what I have been waiting for to happen. I feel like a pressure cooker whose top has finally been released, or after an orgasm or ???...just like this was the freight train that has been coming for these post-D day 5 months. I think, philosophically, that I had to physically see the potential damage that such a huge temptation could be for me and how agonizing that would be. It makes me for the first time self-aware of the necessity of boundaries, and especially tight boundaries around others that we find attractive. I don't know that anything else anyone could have said to me would make me listen...I had to experience it first hand. I also think that I have felt so "monitored" and had constraints for so long that I resent the hell out of anyone telling me what to do. That is the one guarantee that will make me go do the opposite, as childish as that sounds. I resent feeling like I have no control over what I can and can't do and then he went out and did what he wanted regardless.

[NoIDidn't]

aeh

 

I really feel like this is just you acting out your rage. You seem literally enraged with what he did to your marriage and your security in it.

 

I think you should cut out of MC and get an IC. I think he should too. My H and I did IC for three months before we did MC and even then we only did MC once a month for the first three and then dropped the IC.

 

I totally understand your feelings, but know that they have the power to be far more destructive to you and your family than his affair ever was. I can illustrate this. I have a relative that was molested by her brother. She became an alcoholic over the years and no one knew why. She let it be known three years ago that her brother molested her and two of their other sisters. Well, this brother finally came forth and tried to make amends (not that he really could) but that didn't end her dependence on alcohol. She allowed the rage of the wrong done to her to become the rage she did to herself. I don't think you are anywhere near where she is. But you could easily end up there without the help of a competent IC to help you get your bearings back.

 

I wish you luck and success with this. I know its hard.

Edited November 21, 2009 by NoIDidn't