cheating and STDs

[Spectre]

Absolutely, 100% spot on. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody does stupid, thoughtless, selfish things that they later realize they shouldn't have done, and regret. What determines who they really are is whether or not they learn from their actions, or if they simply repeat them.

 

This is 100% pure BS. People make mistakes, sure, but a mistake is when you leave the oven on too long and burn your dinner. A mistake is when you forget to return the dvd's to the video store on time and get hit with a late fee. You do not mistakenly remove your clothes and have sex with another person.

 

Simply put, cheating on someone..especially someone you claim to love, can't simply be put off as a mistake. By your way of phrasing things, cheating isn't really that big of a deal as long as the one who cheated is real nice about it afterwards. Cheating doesn't make someone a bad person in general, no, but it does make them a sh*tty person, especially if they claimed to love the person they cheated on and have been with them a long time. So no, cheating isn't a mistake, it's a conscious decision people make, and why? Because they are selfish, or because they have no concept of actual love. Let's not try to claim it's anything other than that.

 

You're at a very crucial point, with a choice between two alternatives. Which one you choose will, from my perspective at least, say a hell of a lot about you as a person.

 

The two choices are either be honest or don't be honest. However, you shouldn't be rewarded or seen as a better person for being honest with someone. Wow, so someone cheated and then at least had the guts to fess up. All that tells me is that said person who does that is not a completely horrible person. I don't know why people always act like people should be rewarded for honesty, especially if they're being honest about something they did wrong.

 

As to the topic, catwoman you obviously don't truly care or love your boyfriend, so just break up with him if you are such a coward you can't even tell him the truth. His life will truly be a lot better with you not in it. But I can already tell you won't tell him, nor will you do him a favor and leave him, which is truly the saddest thing about this topic. This poor guy is going to continue thinking he's actually with a decent chick, when it's actually the complete opposite.

Edited November 20, 2009 by Spectre

[reservoirdog1]

This is 100% pure BS. People make mistakes, sure, but a mistake is when you leave the oven on too long and burn your dinner. A mistake is when you forget to return the dvd's to the video store on time and get hit with a late fee. You do not mistakenly remove your clothes and have sex with another person.

 

Simply put, cheating on someone..especially someone you claim to love, can't simply be put off as a mistake. By your way of phrasing things, cheating isn't really that big of a deal as long as the one who cheated is real nice about it afterwards. Cheating doesn't make someone a bad person in general, no, but it does make them a sh*tty person, especially if they claimed to love the person they cheated on and have been with them a long time. So no, cheating isn't a mistake, it's a conscious decision people make, and why? Because they are selfish, or because they have no concept of actual love. Let's not try to claim it's anything other than that.

 

 

 

The two choices are either be honest or don't be honest. However, you shouldn't be rewarded or seen as a better person for being honest with someone. Wow, so someone cheated and then at least had the guts to fess up. All that tells me is that said person who does that is not a completely horrible person. I don't know why people always act like people should be rewarded for honesty, especially if they're being honest about something they did wrong.

 

As to the topic, catwoman you obviously don't truly care or love your boyfriend, so just break up with him if you are such a coward you can't even tell him the truth. His life will truly be a lot better with you not in it. But I can already tell you won't tell him, nor will you do him a favor and leave him, which is truly the saddest thing about this topic. This poor guy is going to continue thinking he's actually with a decent chick, when it's actually the complete opposite.

Let's be clear. Phrasing issues aside, my position is not that cheating can simply be written off as a mistake. It's one of the stupid, thoughtless, selfish things I referred to. And I'm saying that as somebody who's never cheated, and who has been massively cheated on.

 

Somebody who cheats once in the heat of the moment, has that dawning realization of OMG-WTF-have-I-done and comes clean about it, is still a cheater. Pure and simple. And the reality is that they have, more likely than not, irreparably f**ked their relationship. They don't get a gold star or a pat on the head or instant forgiveness just because they had the balls to own up to it right away. They have still committed a horrible act of betrayal.

 

No, the determination of their worth as a person is based on whether or not they then do whatever they possibly can to mitigate the damage they've caused. In my book, that includes coming clean immediately, and giving their partner the rightful opportunity to make their own decisions about their life and their health, armed with all the information. By failing to do so, the cheater simply continues the deception and makes their betrayed partner's choices for them. Which is completely, absolutely wrong.

 

Cheaters who cheat only once often like to think to themselves "it was just a one time thing, my partner will never find out, no diseases, why damage a relationship over it?" That kind of thinking completely ignores the reality of the situation, which is that the betrayed partner is being deceived into thinking their significant other is loyal, faithful, genuine, respects them, and has their best interests at heart. By cheating, the cheater has demonstrated that those things are untrue. In the absence of full disclosure, the relationship after that is based on bullshyt and lies.

 

I know of what I speak. If my XW had admitted her cheating the first time it happened (during the engagement), I would have been devastated. No two ways about it. But at least I could have made a sober, if heartbroken decision about whether or not I could continue with the relationship (and go through with the wedding) knowing its true nature. Instead she hid the info away and didn't come clean, and in fact continued to cheat many times during the marriage. I didn't learn the truth until after seven years of marriage and two kids, when she finally wanted out and needed to finally tell the truth. From my perspective on learning the truth, the marriage was a sad, stillborn fraud that was now revealed to be utterly meaningless. Her deception robbed me of any pleasant memories of married life that don't involve the kids, my friends or my own accomplishments. I hated her for three years after the marriage ended, and it took a further three years after that for me to be able to be friendly with her and constructively co-parent the kids.

 

My point is simply that, by coming clean immediately, the cheater doesn't compound their betrayal by defrauding their partner into believing in a false state of affairs. That's even worse than the cheating alone.

Edited November 20, 2009 by reservoirdog1

[RedDevil66]

I wouldn't worry too much about it.. trust your doctor.. Mine told me the same thing.. (of course she doesn't know anything about my lifestyle)... but she told me that people are scared the shyt by the media for one reason.. 'to scare people off'...(I can understand to some degree)

I've just been checked last week.. all my results are not in yet.. but some are.. I'm clean..

 

she even told me that the ones that are not in yet.. gonorrhea and chlamedya is no big deal... at my age.. plus I've had the hysterectomy.. so the damages would be minimal.. she said she's not too concerned..

 

Don't say anything to your bf.. just be careful (condom)... and don't worry about it.. chances are.. you're clean..

 

 

:eek:

 

There are no words to express my amazment at this reply!

[RedDevil66]

Catwoman, YES you can get HIV from a hetero sex, and yes all STD"s can harm you.

And yes you need to tell your BF if you have an STD and you should tell him you cheated.

 

This would be the road of dignity and self respect.

[tryagaintoday]

Catwoman, yeah don't tell him. Wear a condom for the time being. Your relationship will grow ever stronger after this. People make mistakes. You'll love him and care for him like no other. Yeah continue to see the OM. Continue to have sex with him. You'll like it. After having sex with him, go back to your SO and try to re-enact the sex with him as well. He'll enjoy it. You two will love each other like no other. Then get some kids out - preferbly with your SO though. But if its not from your SO, it's still ok. Just tell him they're his. He'll love them the same and you as well.

 

Years later if he somehow managed to find out the truth and confront you. Divorce him. How dare he?!?! How dare he question your faith and trust like this? Divorce him then. Afterwards, you'll live happily ever after. The end.

 

Is this the reply you're looking for Catwoman? Take it then.

[lkjh]

Catwoman, YES you can get HIV from a hetero sex, and yes all STD"s can harm you.

And yes you need to tell your BF if you have an STD and you should tell him you cheated.

 

This would be the road of dignity and self respect.

 

 

Wow, I totally missed Liz's advice and I am seriously shocked by it. Reddevil you are completely right. First off most STD's have greater effects on women and gonorrhea can actually cause PID in women which destroys their chance at having children.

 

Also, the fast's growing group of people contracting HIV are heterosexual women. This is mainly because of homosexual men that stray but they are still the fast's growing group. Men still make up the bulk majority of the cases but to say catwoman is safe from HIV is retarded.

[ADF]

Hmmm. I am a little unsettled by how at ease you are with the idea of deceiving your boyfriend. You seem mainly concerned with making things as easy on yourself as possible--not a sign of good character. Also, I find it very hard to believe a doctor would be so cavalier about the risks of unprotected sex. Are you sure that's what he said? Sounds fishy to me.

 

On the plus side, at least you understand you have a serious medical issue here. You need to tell your BF, frankly. I know you probably won't, but it would be the right thing to do, considering his health is now at risk.

[RedDevil66]

Wow, I totally missed Liz's advice and I am seriously shocked by it. Reddevil you are completely right. First off most STD's have greater effects on women and gonorrhea can actually cause PID in women which destroys their chance at having children.

 

Also, the fast's growing group of people contracting HIV are heterosexual women. This is mainly because of homosexual men that stray but they are still the fast's growing group. Men still make up the bulk majority of the cases but to say catwoman is safe from HIV is retarded.

 

Beyond retarded, and this doc who said this to her should lose his licence.

 

HIV is rampant, in fact, a news report came out yesterday in your local paper.

 

Hell, seniors are getting HIV

 

Wake up people!

http://www.cbc.ca/health/story/2009/11/18/sex-snowbirds-seniors-hiv.html

[heysenberg]

Hell, if she didn't give a damn about her boyfriend she would never have searched for help in the first place.

 

No matter how wrong she is, we should try to help each other here, or else a forum like this wouldn't have a reason to exist.

[dreamergrl]

Hell, if she didn't give a damn about her boyfriend she would never have searched for help in the first place.

 

No matter how wrong she is, we should try to help each other here, or else a forum like this wouldn't have a reason to exist.

 

If she did give a damn about her boyfriend, she'd be honest with him and tell him. It should be HIS choice if he wants to leave her. He should know so he can get tested.

 

OP do you realize you need to wait four months to get tested for HPV and HSV because it can take that long for your body to build up the anti bodies and you can go on forever without showing symptoms? And even if you opt to condoms, they don't protect you 100% since it lays dormant in areas other then just what a condom covers. Not to mention HSV 1 and 2 both can be orally?

 

People don't always come here for advice, they come to validate their choices and feelings.

[harmfulsweetz]

then you are even more selfish as if cheating wasn't already so.

 

 

 

 

 

LMFAO, then your doctor is an idiot. Sorry, but unless your doctor is a complete quack, I don't think he/she said this.

 

When you have sex, you are having sex with everyone that person had sex with. So unless you both tested yourselves before screwing each other, thats a pretty dumb statement to make.

 

so either you doc didn't say this, or your doc is a quack....take your pick.

 

 

 

 

then tell him the truth, let him decide if he thinks you are worth the risk.

 

but you are selfish, so something tells me you are going to keep your mouth shut.

 

 

 

 

could be. damn this guy deserves better.

 

 

 

 

 

I think people should be sued for giving other people STD's, and I think anyone that has HIV or slept with someone that has it, and then has unprotected sex with someone else should be charged with attempted murder, and if said person comes up with HIV, they should be charged with murder, or manslaughter at the very least.

 

Again, you are selfish so I doubt you will do the right thing. But the right thing is to come clean and let your bf decide....or if you are too chicken to come clean, then just break up with him.

 

Agreed. Unlikely as it is that you may have contracted HIV, chlamadyia, gonorhhea etc (sp?) are quite common and likely. You should get tested for everything you can get tested for.

 

I was studying law,and a guy got done for murder on the grounds of giving someone HIV. He knew he had it, and delibrately slept with her so she would have it too. Sick.

[jerseyboy]

If she did give a damn about her boyfriend, she'd be honest with him and tell him. It should be HIS choice if he wants to leave her. He should know so he can get tested.

 

OP do you realize you need to wait four months to get tested for HPV and HSV because it can take that long for your body to build up the anti bodies and you can go on forever without showing symptoms? And even if you opt to condoms, they don't protect you 100% since it lays dormant in areas other then just what a condom covers. Not to mention HSV 1 and 2 both can be orally?

 

People don't always come here for advice, they come to validate their choices and feelings.

 

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 

 

Got to love how people feel entitled to determine acceptable risk for someone else.

 

Presumably, given some of the responses, I should feel entitled to strap a parachute to these people and forcibly push them out of a plane, since statistically chances are pretty good they wont die as a result.

 

Who needs informed consent when we have rationalized statistical probabilities to substitute

[carhill]

We haven't been using condoms. If I ask to start using them, is he likely to assume I cheated on him? The main two things I am worried about are herpes and HIV.

 

I would certainly wonder what the change in birth control was about, assuming the typical dynamic of a committed couple using condoms for birth control instead of the pill/patch/implant method.

 

Tough choice. If your BF has any sensitivity towards you, he probably already senses something is 'different'. I can't explain that concept easily. It's part of being intimate with someone. I hope you find the path that you seek

[reservoirdog1]

OP do you realize you need to wait four months to get tested for HPV and HSV because it can take that long for your body to build up the anti bodies and you can go on forever without showing symptoms? And even if you opt to condoms, they don't protect you 100% since it lays dormant in areas other then just what a condom covers. Not to mention HSV 1 and 2 both can be orally?

That's an excellent point. OP, I don't know if your BF ever goes down on you, and I don't care to know. But if he does, are you actually going to not let him for the next several months? And do you honestly believe it won't raise his suspicions?

 

The more I think about this situation, the more I wonder how you'll ever in a million years be successful at pulling off your contemplated deception. At least if you tell him now, you'll have minimized the amount of time you're continuing to deceive him.

[Ody]

I would say yes. Simply because it is a breach of the person's trust. Any reasoning not to tell most likely has a selfish root. The whole "I don't want to tell him because it will devastate him" thing is a cop out. While it's probably true that they'll be devastated, assuming that that gesture is born out of genuine care for the person is incorrect. If they really cared about their feelings they wouldn't have done it in the first place. Saying that you care about them 'too much' to tell them is far too convenient of an excuse. They just don't want to face the music, so to speak. It's just a way to get away with it. For the most part that's why I think the person should always be told.

 

Agreed on your points - not telling is certainly easier on the cheater in most ways, and there is definitely a selfish motivation there. However my thought is that it also might be easier and healtier on the cheatee, although only in some cases.

 

When I confessed after the one time I cheated (in my case the next day after a drunken infidelity) one of my notions was that I was being completely honest to try to make the relationship work. One of the things my GF said that day was something like "no, if you want to make things work you don't have a teary confessional - what you do is never, ever do it again or even come close, and never ever tell the other person, and you just deal with it and devote yourself to the relationship" It made an impression, and while I'm not sure I agree with this, I can't dismiss it either.

 

It's more clear to me in two cases where the tables were turned, and I was dumped after my GF had an emotional infidelity. Both times, I strongly suspect they also had a physical infidelity and simply sugar coated their story. If that's the case, I'm really happy they did - I pretty much did everything I would have if they had cheated, like getting tested for STDs, etc, and I didn't have with certainty that horrible nagging image of someone else touching the woman I loved. I don't think knowing would have changed anything I did, and it would have just been rougher in those first most difficult months after the breakup. And at this point, much much later, I just don't care about the particular details.

 

Maybe that makes more sense. This would definitely only apply in some cases I think, where personality types are fairly pragmatic like mine, and wouldn't tolerate an ongoing emotional affair any more than they'd tolerate an ongoing physical affair. Some ONSs might apply.

[TheLoneSock]

Agreed on your points - not telling is certainly easier on the cheater in most ways, and there is definitely a selfish motivation there. However my thought is that it also might be easier and healtier on the cheatee, although only in some cases.

 

When I confessed after the one time I cheated (in my case the next day after a drunken infidelity) one of my notions was that I was being completely honest to try to make the relationship work. One of the things my GF said that day was something like "no, if you want to make things work you don't have a teary confessional - what you do is never, ever do it again or even come close, and never ever tell the other person, and you just deal with it and devote yourself to the relationship" It made an impression, and while I'm not sure I agree with this, I can't dismiss it either.

 

It's more clear to me in two cases where the tables were turned, and I was dumped after my GF had an emotional infidelity. Both times, I strongly suspect they also had a physical infidelity and simply sugar coated their story. If that's the case, I'm really happy they did - I pretty much did everything I would have if they had cheated, like getting tested for STDs, etc, and I didn't have with certainty that horrible nagging image of someone else touching the woman I loved. I don't think knowing would have changed anything I did, and it would have just been rougher in those first most difficult months after the breakup. And at this point, much much later, I just don't care about the particular details.

 

Maybe that makes more sense. This would definitely only apply in some cases I think, where personality types are fairly pragmatic like mine, and wouldn't tolerate an ongoing emotional affair any more than they'd tolerate an ongoing physical affair. Some ONSs might apply.

 

I can relate. I had a gf once who told me "If you ever cheat on me, please keep it to yourself, I wouldn't want to know". I never cheated on her obviously, and have never cheated on a girl in my life - she was just the very insecure type. Lol the ironic thing though, was that this same girl cheated on me! And then didn't tell me about it until long after. How you like them apples?

 

My opinion comes from just who I am as a person. I'm the type of guy that my word is my bond, I'll always give it to you straight, and I don't fear consiquence for telling the truth. I am certain that this kind of thing goes on ALL the time, everywhere - I just wouldn't be one of the people that never tells.

 

It reminds me of a Dane Cook quote from 'Vicious Circle':

 

"So I asked the old man, I said: What's the secret? How do I make my relationships last this long?"

 

"And the old man turns to me with a smile and he says: CHEAT. You gotta f*ckin' CHEAT."

 

Haha

 

In this case it works, and is funny. But I still believe the truth should always be out there when it comes to this.

[serialgf]

i am often a proponent for not telling about cheating if, as i believe it was ody who said it in this thread, you are sure this is who you want to be with etc. also IMO if it didn't mean anything to you and your SO won't find out....

 

in your case you obviously have feelings for the person who cheated with which sounds IMO like what you should be working on. i think your two choices are:

 

1. tell your bf

2. break up with your bf and don't tell

 

this is not the advice i typically give, but it seems appropriate for your case... also IMO not using a condom with the man you cheated with is the big NONO here...

 

if my boyfriend cheated on me i really wouldn't want to know UNLESS he didn't use a condom... honestly, if i found out way later (months, years) that he slept with someone else, didn't use a condom, and then didn't tell me i honestly would be LIVID and would break up with him (though if we were together for years at that point breaking up would be super hard for me which would make me even angrier).... eventually i wouldn't be able to see past that... its a huge disrespect

 

i'm sorry... i'm not usually judgmental but just providing my POV

good luck!

[RedDevil66]

I can relate. I had a gf once who told me "If you ever cheat on me, please keep it to yourself, I wouldn't want to know". I never cheated on her obviously, and have never cheated on a girl in my life - she was just the very insecure type. Lol the ironic thing though, was that this same girl cheated on me! And then didn't tell me about it until long after. How you like them apples?

 

My opinion comes from just who I am as a person. I'm the type of guy that my word is my bond, I'll always give it to you straight, and I don't fear consiquence for telling the truth. I am certain that this kind of thing goes on ALL the time, everywhere - I just wouldn't be one of the people that never tells.

 

It reminds me of a Dane Cook quote from 'Vicious Circle':

 

"So I asked the old man, I said: What's the secret? How do I make my relationships last this long?"

 

"And the old man turns to me with a smile and he says: CHEAT. You gotta f*ckin' CHEAT."

 

Haha

 

In this case it works, and is funny. But I still believe the truth should always be out there when it comes to this.

 

 

How refreshing, a commited man who keep his word. You're few and far between.

Will you be my BF? ;-)

[dreamergrl]

I can relate. I had a gf once who told me "If you ever cheat on me, please keep it to yourself, I wouldn't want to know". I never cheated on her obviously, and have never cheated on a girl in my life - she was just the very insecure type. Lol the ironic thing though, was that this same girl cheated on me! And then didn't tell me about it until long after. How you like them apples?

 

Perhaps she didn't want to know if karma came back around? My guess is she cheated in the past.

 

I don't understand why people think they should make choices for their partner. A person has a right to know, and base their choice to be with a person if their SO has cheated.

[jerseyboy]

LOL

 

The one girl (I know of) who cheated on me was the same one who made me listen to endless and repetitive rants about how wrong it would be to cheat and not tell, risking giving her a disease. How shed care mroe about that than the cheating tiself blah blah blah

 

I was more pissed about that in some ways than the fact she cheated. And with a drug user no less

[freestyle]

.OP, let's imagine that you choose the course of not telling and staying

with your bf..........................

 

From this point forward, there will be three parties in your R. And I'm not talking about OM.

 

It will be you, your bf, and your guilt. Once you've crossed that line, your guilt will always be with you. when your bf looks at you with adoration, instead of feeling the joy that love and intimacy can bring,you will feel those pangs. True intimacy cannot exist when one party is withholding

something huge..........

 

Are you prepared to wear that on your back?Please hit your mental fast-forward and really,really think about whether you'll be able to look him in the eye, and be happy,knowing that you're being ingenuine.

[jerseyboy]

.OP, let's imagine that you choose the course of not telling and staying

with your bf..........................

 

From this point forward, there will be three parties in your R. And I'm not talking about OM.

 

It will be you, your bf, and your guilt. Once you've crossed that line, your guilt will always be with you. when your bf looks at you with adoration, instead of feeling the joy that love and intimacy can bring,you will feel those pangs. True intimacy cannot exist when one party is withholding

something huge..........

 

Are you prepared to wear that on your back?Please hit your mental fast-forward and really,really think about whether you'll be able to look him in the eye, and be happy,knowing that you're being ingenuine.

 

I absolutely believe that to be true.

 

What you lose is far more than any temporary thrill someone else can bring.

 

Your relationship is a lie, you always feel as if its a lie, and you have to spend forever faking it.