cheating and STDs

[catwoman24]

I cheated on my boyfriend of two years last week. I wasn't expecting to have sex, and perhaps it wasn't completely sensual, so I didn't use a condom. I plan to stay with my boyfriend and not tell him about this encounter, but I don't want to put him at physical risk. You can only get tested for a few things reliably immediately after a sexual encounter (i.e. chlymydia), but most you cannot. My doctor said it was pretty unlikely I could have gotten HIV since we're both heterosexual and not involved with iv drug users.

 

I feel fairly confident that the man I slept with wasn't lying to me about not having any STDs, but I'm not sure that he would know for sure about something like herpes if he hasn't had an outbreak.

 

I'm terrified of putting my partner at risk due to my own poor decision making. We haven't been using condoms. If I ask to start using them, is he likely to assume I cheated on him? The main two things I am worried about are herpes and HIV.

[Bejita463]

I suspect that you know what the correct course of action is already.

[Ody]

His assumptions about infidelity will depend on how convincing the lame story you cook up about missing your birth control pill is, as well where he falls on the saavy/sucker scale.

 

You're not going to use condoms with BF no matter what we say. Are you really expecting anything other than condemnation here? C'mon if you couldn't master the jimmy hat with some schmuck you cheated with for one night, you certainly aren't going to be able to for the next two months with your BF until you can get a reliable HIV screening.

 

I suggest you be honest with yourself about the bad things you are capable of doing, and honest with yourself about being willing to use your BF to have things the way you want them. The fact of the matter here is that you don't really care if you give your boyfriend something. Not enough to actually act differently, aside from nitter-nattering on some internet message board. You won't be a better person having been honest with yourself but at least you'll be a more formidable one.

Edited November 19, 2009 by Ody

[mark982]

catwoman, if you actually cared for your bf you would tell him. first tell him you're a cheater(hurts don't it) and second you boinked a guy w/o protection, and he needs to go get checked for std's.

[Dexter Morgan]

I cheated on my boyfriend of two years last week. I wasn't expecting to have sex, and perhaps it wasn't completely sensual, so I didn't use a condom. I plan to stay with my boyfriend and not tell him about this encounter

 

then you are even more selfish as if cheating wasn't already so.

 

 

 

but I don't want to put him at physical risk. You can only get tested for a few things reliably immediately after a sexual encounter (i.e. chlymydia), but most you cannot. My doctor said it was pretty unlikely I could have gotten HIV since we're both heterosexual and not involved with iv drug users.

 

LMFAO, then your doctor is an idiot. Sorry, but unless your doctor is a complete quack, I don't think he/she said this.

 

When you have sex, you are having sex with everyone that person had sex with. So unless you both tested yourselves before screwing each other, thats a pretty dumb statement to make.

 

so either you doc didn't say this, or your doc is a quack....take your pick.

 

 

I'm terrified of putting my partner at risk due to my own poor decision making.

 

then tell him the truth, let him decide if he thinks you are worth the risk.

 

but you are selfish, so something tells me you are going to keep your mouth shut.

 

 

We haven't been using condoms. If I ask to start using them, is he likely to assume I cheated on him?

 

could be. damn this guy deserves better.

 

 

 

The main two things I am worried about are herpes and HIV.

 

I think people should be sued for giving other people STD's, and I think anyone that has HIV or slept with someone that has it, and then has unprotected sex with someone else should be charged with attempted murder, and if said person comes up with HIV, they should be charged with murder, or manslaughter at the very least.

 

Again, you are selfish so I doubt you will do the right thing. But the right thing is to come clean and let your bf decide....or if you are too chicken to come clean, then just break up with him.

[reservoirdog1]

Statistically, I think your doctor is correct.

 

My great concern, however, is that you're going to use that as a justification for not coming clean with the boyfriend you betrayed, and that you'll continue to shyt all over him by taking massive liberties with his health.

 

There's no two ways about it. By taking no precautions, and basically being the other guy's cum dumpster, you're exposed to everything he may have.

 

If you have any respect for your BF at all -- which somehow I doubt -- you'll tell him what you did, so that HE gets to make decisions about HIS LIFE and HIS HEALTH. If you rob him of that right -- and especially if he ends up contracting something from you as a result -- then frankly, you're slime.

[VeveCakes]

My doctor said it was pretty unlikely I could have gotten HIV since we're both heterosexual and not involved with iv drug users.

 

Get a new doctor. HIV is all over, straight, gay, bi....plenty of straight girls and guys get it. You have to wait 3 months to get tested before the test will be accurate. Most other STDS will show up in tests after 2 weeks, however Herpes can be affecting you but stay undetected infinitely. The only way to test for herpes is during an outbreak, and unfortunately you can still get it even if the person you slept with wasn't having an outbreak.

 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. Either withhold sleeping with your boyfriend for 3 months or confess and be done.

[VeveCakes]

 

LMFAO, then your doctor is an idiot. Sorry, but unless your doctor is a complete quack, I don't think he/she said this.

 

When you have sex, you are having sex with everyone that person had sex with. So unless you both tested yourselves before screwing each other, thats a pretty dumb statement to make.

 

 

Sadly I do beleive the doctor said it. I have had doctors tell me I don't need the HIV test because I'm not high risk. After I ASKED several times and they gave me the run around until I explained that my uncled died of HIV/AIDS and this is a very important thing for me to have peace of mind.

 

Scary.

[reservoirdog1]

Statistically, I think your doctor is correct.

Edit -- I think he's correct about the chance of HIV transmission, from a purely statistical standpoint. And that's saying nothing about herpes or any other STDs.

[Ody]

EDIT - never mind, misread a post.

[catwoman24]

It's obvious what the right thing for me to do is. I understand that. Clearly there are a number of circumstances that made all of this happen and reasons why I do or do not feel I should tell my boyfriend. I'm sure in most minds here all of the reasons not to tell are unimportant. The question I asked is a dumb one, and the wrong one. I guess what I am really feeling and wondering is if this is something our relationship could ever move beyond, assuming all health issues are resolved. So for all the self-righteous people who never have or will cheat or tolerate cheating, this is obviously not an issue where your input is useful. To those of us out there - and supposedly it's more than 50% of us - who have cheated, have you ever successfully moved beyond it?

 

I know that if I tell him, our relationship will die. This wasn't a one night stand with a stranger. I'm not sleeping with my boyfriend until health issues are resolved and until I decide whether or not this is an important enough thing to end our relationship over.

[Lizzie60]

I cheated on my boyfriend of two years last week. I wasn't expecting to have sex, and perhaps it wasn't completely sensual, so I didn't use a condom. I plan to stay with my boyfriend and not tell him about this encounter, but I don't want to put him at physical risk. You can only get tested for a few things reliably immediately after a sexual encounter (i.e. chlymydia), but most you cannot. My doctor said it was pretty unlikely I could have gotten HIV since we're both heterosexual and not involved with iv drug users.

 

I feel fairly confident that the man I slept with wasn't lying to me about not having any STDs, but I'm not sure that he would know for sure about something like herpes if he hasn't had an outbreak.

 

I'm terrified of putting my partner at risk due to my own poor decision making. We haven't been using condoms. If I ask to start using them, is he likely to assume I cheated on him? The main two things I am worried about are herpes and HIV.

 

 

I wouldn't worry too much about it.. trust your doctor.. Mine told me the same thing.. (of course she doesn't know anything about my lifestyle)... but she told me that people are scared the shyt by the media for one reason.. 'to scare people off'...(I can understand to some degree)

 

I've just been checked last week.. all my results are not in yet.. but some are.. I'm clean..

 

she even told me that the ones that are not in yet.. gonorrhea and chlamedya is no big deal... at my age.. plus I've had the hysterectomy.. so the damages would be minimal.. she said she's not too concerned..

 

Don't say anything to your bf.. just be careful (condom)... and don't worry about it.. chances are.. you're clean..

[nobmagnet]

I do apologise for maybe upsetting you but my partner did the same to me. He "porked the payroll" didnt use anything and I found out. You are maybe one step better as you acknowledge your bad judgment but the outcome is the same. You must come clean to him/her is just isnt worth putting another persons life at risk. If indeed you have passed on a "nasty" at least you will be protecting them in the future by making them aware. I am sure it is not the easy option but if you love them you have to tell them whatever the consequenses x

[Ody]

Now that you actually asked the right questions, you sound a lot more reasonable.

 

To those of us out there - and supposedly it's more than 50% of us - who have cheated, have you ever successfully moved beyond it?

 

Yes I have.

 

I'm not sleeping with my boyfriend until health issues are resolved and until I decide whether or not this is an important enough thing to end our relationship over.

 

I don't think I would have been able to move beyond it if I had any doubt about whether I wanted to end the relationship after I cheated. It doesn't sound like you are really strongly in love with this guy.

 

I'm on the fence about whether to tell if you want to continue the relationship. In my case I did, immediately. I don't know that's always the best way to continue the relationship though. I can see how burying it forever and never bringing it up would work too - assuming you have no doubt you want to continue and are 100% committed to making it work.

 

I still question whether you will have the willpower to forgoe sex and/or use condoms for the two months or so to have a fully accurate HIV test. Certainly not for the many months it could take for GW or HSV-2 to show. This is not a personal attack. You need to be realistic about things. From the sound of your first post you are going a little easy on yourself.

[lkjh]

honest question, if you dont respect your bf enough to A) stay faithful and B) come clean then why are you with him? Really think about this, he does have a right to know what is going on in his life even if you don't think he does.

 

Do the right thing now before you regret something bigger ten years from now. If you two stay together then there is a big chance that you will be deceiving him for the rest of your lives. He will probably find out later and that it will destroy him. Imagine what that could be like, living with someone for year only to find out that they cheated and was never honest

 

Cheating(if once) doesn't make you a bad person but what you do next will determine who you really are

[catwoman24]

I don't know whether or not to continue the relationship. I've had strong feelings for the person I slept with for three and a half years. It's impossible to have a relationship with him, but that doesn't seem to affect my ability to get over it.

 

The problem is, that I don't want to put my life in paralysis while I wait to get over him. I think I will never get over him. I do love my boyfriend, but the feelings for this guy go beyond our relationship and have always been background noise. Recently, more than that. I don't know if I will ever not love him. And I'm not one that believes all of my feelings for this guy will evaporate if I meet "the right person" or whatever. In many ways, I feel like I'm with the right person, I just really really ****ed up. I'm definitely willing at this point not to be in contact with this guy anymore - I can't handle contact with him, apparently.

 

It's a difficult situation. I can't tell anyone in my life because I am too ashamed, so it's not as though being berated on this site is a surprise to me. So yeah. I guess three issues - the unwavering feelings for the guy I cheated with, the fear of my relationship ending, and the fear of passing on a disease to an unknowing partner.

 

I also feel like if my boyfriend has (had) cheated on me, my lack of knowing about it is better for me than the truth, assuming we're ok and I'm not taking on a disease. I feel like the options both include not telling him what happened - either staying together or breaking up. If we break up, I feel like it would be incredibly painful to add the knowledge that I cheated on top of the dissolution of our relationship.

[Ody]

I also feel like if my boyfriend has (had) cheated on me, my lack of knowing about it is better for me than the truth, assuming we're ok and I'm not taking on a disease. I feel like the options both include not telling him what happened - either staying together or breaking up. If we break up, I feel like it would be incredibly painful to add the knowledge that I cheated on top of the dissolution of our relationship.

 

The problem with not telling him and staying together is that it could apply to either:

 

1 - you making a strong and sincere effort to fix your relationship out of clear feelings of committed love

 

2 - or to you making the situation a bit easier on yourself when in the long run you are not really in a viable relationship.

 

To me it's very very clearly the second option here, but you seem to be on the fence. The reason I feel this way is that people filled with true remorse and full devotion to a relationship don't say focus on things like "don't want to put my life in paralysis", "I can't tell anyone in my life" or most importantly "I've had strong feelings for the person I slept with for three and a half years". I'm not making a character judgement here. In fact remorse and devotion would probably be misplaced given everything else you just said about the relationship.

 

Anyway, if you haven't slept with the BF again, now is your chance to make a clean break. Be strong and do the right thing by breaking up with him. Don't make yet another mistake. I agree with not telling him in this case, but you have to do it before you sleep with him to eliminate health risk. This is your chance to straighten things out, avoid a nasty and heartrbreaking confessional that you already realize really isn't going to help matters. You should take it. It doesn't matter what you say in the breakup really, he'll be heartbroken anyway, telling him about the cheating will only make it worse.

Edited November 19, 2009 by Ody

[TheLoneSock]

The major STD that he would have and not be aware of that would threaten you would be HPV. Get a pap smere and get tested for anything else you can, just because.

 

That's for you.

 

Now thinking with your man in mind, you need to tell him if you haven't already, he has a right to know. Period. For both emotional and health related reasons. Just be prepared to lose him because of it. You reap what you sow, live with your mistakes and just hope he forgives you, and that your health is still the same three months from now.

 

You say you love him, but really you probably don't. This kind of thing isn't done to people you love - no matter how you spin it. Rethink everything.

Edited November 19, 2009 by TheLoneSock
typo

[Ody]

he has a right to know. Period. For both emotional and health related reasons.

 

No disagreement on health.

 

However, do you (or anyone reading I suppose) really think this in all cases? Not trying to be provocative. Genuinely curious. I suspect I have been cheated on and then subsequently dumped, and if so I am so happy that she didn't tell me.

[TheLoneSock]

No disagreement on health.

 

However, do you (or anyone reading I suppose) really think this in all cases? Not trying to be provocative. Genuinely curious. I suspect I have been cheated on and then subsequently dumped, and if so I am so happy that she didn't tell me.

 

I would say yes. Simply because it is a breach of the person's trust. Any reasoning not to tell most likely has a selfish root. The whole "I don't want to tell him because it will devastate him" thing is a cop out. While it's probably true that they'll be devastated, assuming that that gesture is born out of genuine care for the person is incorrect. If they really cared about their feelings they wouldn't have done it in the first place. Saying that you care about them 'too much' to tell them is far too convenient of an excuse. They just don't want to face the music, so to speak. It's just a way to get away with it. For the most part that's why I think the person should always be told.

Edited November 19, 2009 by TheLoneSock
typo

[reservoirdog1]

Cheating(if once) doesn't make you a bad person but what you do next will determine who you really are

Absolutely, 100% spot on. Everybody makes mistakes. Everybody does stupid, thoughtless, selfish things that they later realize they shouldn't have done, and regret. What determines who they really are is whether or not they learn from their actions, or if they simply repeat them.

 

You're at a very crucial point, with a choice between two alternatives. Which one you choose will, from my perspective at least, say a hell of a lot about you as a person.

 

It's understandable that you don't want to lose your relationship as a result of your actions. Obviously you still place some value on it, even though your feelings for him are evidently considerably less than those for the guy you cheated with.

 

However, what you have done could well be a deal breaker. You need to acknowledge that, accept it, and then do the right thing. Your BF is right now living under the incorrect belief that you're faithful to him, and that having unprotected sex with you carries no risks. You say you're going to make him wear condoms until you're confirmed as clean; damned if I know how you're going to avoid him becoming a bit suspicious at the sudden requirement to armour up. Which leads me to wonder whether or not you'll actually insist on it. For his sake, hopefully you will.

 

You say that if the situations were reversed and your BF had cheated, you'd rather not know as long as there was no disease risk. That, however, is YOUR take on it, something that, at least in part, you're telling yourself in order to feel better about keeping the information from him. How you'd feel about it absolutely worthless as an indicator of how he'll feel about it. You're judging his reaction by your own standards, and let's not forget that your own standards recently allowed you to cheat on him.

 

If you don't tell him, and the relationship continues, I suspect you'll cheat again at some future point. After all, in your own mind, you're already a cheater. Doing it again won't make you MORE of a cheater. And when your BF finds out -- and chances are, he probably will, one way or another -- he'll rightly feel like you've defrauded him out of several years of his life. You will have built a fraudulent relationship based on lies. And that will probably kill the relationship ultimately anyway.

[Dexter Morgan]

Sadly I do beleive the doctor said it. I have had doctors tell me I don't need the HIV test because I'm not high risk.

 

if someone has unprotected sex, they are at risk. There aint no high and low to it. Unless you can spot a person with HIV.

 

If OP's doctor and yours, actually said that to you, then they must have been at the bottom of their class and on academic probation most of their college career.

[Dexter Morgan]

So for all the self-righteous people who never have or will cheat or tolerate cheating, this is obviously not an issue where your input is useful.

 

ah, so you are looking for viewpoints that will support your desired outcome and not what actually might happen.

 

of course our input isn't useful to you. we condone you giving your so-called bf the freedom to make decisions about his life and health.

 

He may forgive you, he may not. There is only one reason for you not to tell him......cowardice.

 

 

To those of us out there - and supposedly it's more than 50% of us - who have cheated, have you ever successfully moved beyond it?

 

the only way you are going to "successfully" move beyond it, is if you are faithful and truthful to him. You already blew the former....and you don't want to do that latter either. A relationship built on lies and deception is in no way, shape, or form successful.

 

it will only be successful if the relationship moves beyond your cheating AND he knows what you did so HE can decide if the relationship should survive. Otherwise there is no relationship...only one person deceiving another for their own selfish desired outcome.

 

 

I know that if I tell him, our relationship will die.

 

so lying and being untrustworthy is much better.....no? so basically you are telling us that you are going to rob him of his right to know what kind of person he is involved with and what kind of risks you are putting him at......all for your own selfish needs. nice......real nice.

 

 

 

This wasn't a one night stand with a stranger. I'm not sleeping with my boyfriend until health issues are resolved and until I decide whether or not this is an important enough thing to end our relationship over.

 

Thats not for you to decide for your bf. He has a right to have a say in this.

 

until you decide....thats the real issue here...its all about you...you...you. your bf is insignificant in your grand scheme of things.

[Dexter Morgan]

I also feel like if my boyfriend has (had) cheated on me, my lack of knowing about it is better for me than the truth

 

you, and others that say this, only say it because as far as you know....he hasn't. You also say it because you are the cheater in the relationship and you don't want to tell....so you are going to tell us that if the shoe was on the other foot, you wouldn't want to know.

 

 

assuming we're ok and I'm not taking on a disease. I feel like the options both include not telling him what happened - either staying together or breaking up. If we break up, I feel like it would be incredibly painful to add the knowledge that I cheated on top of the dissolution of our relationship.

 

why not break up? it isn't your boyfriend's problem to have a gf that has feelings for another guy. so basically you are just dangling you bf on a string and using him. you are using him so you aren't lonely, but you have feelings for someone else.

 

I think you need and deserve to be alone for a while. Maybe THEN you will learn your lesson and treat someone decent in the future.

[lkjh]

Look, right now your thinking pattern is based off survival. You are trying to justify what you are doing but saying things like if "if he cheated I wouldn't want to know". If you are going to stay with him, then respect him with the truth. Let him decide what he needs and wants. Don't toy with him, he is a person not a object meant for your amusement.

 

The last point is you need to cut the OM out of your life. You have already said you can't be with him, you think he lied about having an std and now he has helped turn you into a cheater. Think with your head not your emotions