stace79 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 So a mutual friend of mine and my ex-fiance's, who is in communication with both of us, is telling me I need to keep hope and keep in touch with my ex every few days or so, and try to be friendly and let him "build his trust back up in the relationship". I am torn. Everything my ex said to me indicated he thought the chance of us reconciling was slim to none. He said "obviously with this much love here I'd never say never". But he also said he thought it was unlikely based on his current feeling, and he felt it would be unfair to me not to be honest about what his opinion was at the time. So I had gone NC... not spoken to him or anything since Monday. I don't want to just be friends with my ex. It hurts enough thinking he might be gone from my life forever, and it's much worse talking to him and knowing that. What exactly am I supposed to do? If there's a chance, I want to give it an opportunity. But if not, I just want to stop talking to him and move on. How am I supposed to know if he's just telling me that so I don't wait around and be hurt, or if our mutual friend is misunderstanding things? Our mutual friend is an older guy, married, and has always liked us both. I don't believe he would ever purposely mislead me. I'm just concerned that maybe he's misunderstanding what my ex is telling him, or maybe my ex is not being totally honest with him about his feelings on our R. Any insight here folks?
Arabella Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 That's what I did, and we are back together. However, my ex was always clear about wanting to be with me - he just couldn't at the time. If he says he doesn't want you, take him at face value. If he changes his mind, he has your phone number! Arabella
littlebittle Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 i was just talking to someone the other day about the wonky relationship advice i've gotten from mutual friends. i think sometimes it's just as hard for them to be objective as it is for you. also, i've gotten a lot of impractical relationship advice from older people. of course it's absolutely not always the case, but at times they seem to have this sort of c'est la vie attitude that doesn't really help things when you're confused and unhappy. you need to go with your gut. maybe your ex will want to get back together somewhere down the road, but the reality of the present is that he just wants to be friends. that's what you need to accept right now. if you're cool with a friendship, then stay in contact. but if you know that you can't handle being just friends, then i think you know what you need to do. don't torture yourself here.
sean1970 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 What exactly am I supposed to do? If there's a chance, I want to give it an opportunity. But if not, I just want to stop talking to him and move on. How am I supposed to know if he's just telling me that so I don't wait around and be hurt, or if our mutual friend is misunderstanding things? Any insight here folks? Isn't NC that opportunity? Isn't it the only way for you (primary) and him (secondary) to see what you both really want? I'm sure your friend is sincere, but I don't think he would tell you to keep taking a beating emotionally if he could feel how you do now. What the dumped always fails to realize it that the ex rarely knows what they have until they get the feeling of losing it. Instead, we orbit the ex hoping at some point they will "snap out of it" and come to their senses. If he told you that the chances are 'slim to none' (and that is exactly what I heard from mine but still made an ass of myself dragging it out), then take that as your answer and start focusing on you.
Ronni_W Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 telling me I need to keep hope and keep in touch with my ex every few days or so, and try to be friendly and let him "build his trust back up in the relationship". stace, Who is taking care of building back up YOUR trust in the relationship? To me, it's not just on one person to take the responsibility for that, or for the general well-being of a relationship. I mean...if everybody is putting it on you -- that's like saying your ex is the only victim/person who got hurt, and you're the big, bad bully who "did it to him", no? But most often, it's that each person took turns playing BOTH roles, and experiencing the feelings that are inherent in each of them. Maybe you could ask the mutual friend if he believes that you also deserve to be GIVEN some positive signs, and to RECEIVE friendly, hope-inspiring gestures FROM your ex? Hugs, and good wishes for a happy outcome.
Author stace79 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 Thank you everybody. It is a moot point now because I just decided to ask my ex about it. The friend was in fact reading too much in to things, like I suspected. My ex was telling him the same thing he said to me "I'd never say never", but he wasn't as emphatic about it I guess. This friend really wants us to stay together, apparently. So it's back to NC for me. At least I was only 2 days in... Argh.
melja Posted November 21, 2009 Posted November 21, 2009 Your ex is obviously feeling hurt and his mind is made up at the moment. I just broke up with someone and regret my decision because it was impulsive and based on "friends advice". But I have told him that. Your ex has told you to move on. He may change his mind with time, but for now you know where you stand. Don't worry about the friend's advice, he is just trying to be supportive. Tell him to put in a good word for you instead and heal your wounds. Your ex will contact you if he changes his mind, but there is no point waiting around in limbo.
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