Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 I am just very depressed about it all. This was a 4 year relationship. Letting go is hard even when you know you have to.
norajane Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 There are some really great men out there. This guy isn't one of them.
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 You are right. I know you are. How should I proceed with this??
freestyle Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 ok now I wonder if he is just playing games or a total psychopath, here is an email he sent me last night, please read and tell me what you think: To me, besides your mistrust, everything else about you surpasses every woman on earth. If you want to be together heres what you have to do.. give me space accept my life and understand who and what i am. respect my privacy as i do yours. no more questions, if i have something i want you to know i'll tell you get rid of ALL your email and phone numbers, I have no more time for loser freaks following my every move online, or yours. be everything a normal partner is, and nothing you have chosen to be. get psychiatric help and take medication if necessary, which it is. realize i am a human being who has lived a loving time in peace and with a clear heart, and that you have tainted that beyond measure and filled my world with lies and deceit and fear. Wow.You caught him lying to you, yet you're the one who's "tainted his hear beyond measure"?!?!?!? You need psychiatric help?!?!? You are a "loser freak?!?!?!! OMG.This is a textbook case of gaslighting in the extreme.OP, if you're not familiar with the term, gaslighting ,please go to Google,type it in,and read some articles. It's a form of severe emotional abuse.It's a tactic commonly employed by cheaters trying to cover their tracks when they realize they're under suspicion. "It's all in your head"........"You must be crazy"........"You should see a shrink"............etc. translated: There's something wrong with you for even thinking that in the first place. So sorry you're going through this. Please arm yourself with information.
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 You know someone suggested "gaslighting" to me before but I didn't know what they meant. I am definitely going to look that up. He wrote me again this morning saying how much he misses me and for me to please not make him leave me. I am getting madder and madder now. I havent written him back. I already look like a fool 2 days ago when this all went down by sending him at least 8 emails. Thats when I decided to post here for some help.
freestyle Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 SG< don't get sucked in......................he's totally manipulating you. Seriously, print out the venemous email he sent you and tape it to your frig. Anyone who calls you a "loser freak" is being abusive. I'll see if I can find a couple of links for you, hang in there.
freestyle Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Here's a great site that will have links to other sites and articles: http://voiceofcassandra.wordpress.com/2009/08/04/emotional-abuse-or-gaslighting/
Juniper22 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 (edited) You know someone suggested "gaslighting" to me before but I didn't know what they meant. I am definitely going to look that up. He wrote me again this morning saying how much he misses me and for me to please not make him leave me. I am getting madder and madder now. I havent written him back. I already look like a fool 2 days ago when this all went down by sending him at least 8 emails. Thats when I decided to post here for some help. So now his story is changing he wants you to not leave him and he misses you? You know, this new email you received just proved he is whacked. His personality is changing at the drop of a hat. I don't really know how to tell you to go about cutting things off with him but I think you really need to and do it today!! Block him from your emails, cell phone, house phone or whatever, and go on about your life and don't look back. He will try to suck you back in if you don't let him lose and quit him "cold turkey." Edited November 23, 2009 by Juniper22
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 SG< don't get sucked in......................he's totally manipulating you. Seriously, print out the venemous email he sent you and tape it to your frig. Anyone who calls you a "loser freak" is being abusive. I'll see if I can find a couple of links for you, hang in there. Thanks for the links and the article and the kind advice. I just want to point out the "loser freaks" he was refering to is my old friends. he thinks they sent me the pic in an attempt to make me break up with him over what he calls a "harmless pic". but every other harsh thing he said in that mail was directed at me.
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 So now his story is changing he wants you to not leave him and he misses you? You know, this new email you received just proved he is whacked. His personality is changing at the drop of a hat. I don't really know how to tell you to go about cutting things off with him but I think you really need to and do it today!! Block him from your emails, cell phone, house phone or whatever, and go on about your life and don't look back. He will try to suck you back in if you don't let him lose and quit him "cold turkey." You are right. Here is the email he sent me this morning: i sincerely hope that you mean to change, this isnt a game. Im ready to turn my back on you///something i never thought youd make me do. id like some mails from you that can show me you actually understand all the things youve done and how greatly they have affected me. i dont want to pressure you, i dont want to hurt you. I never have wanted anything for you but peace and happiness. youve forced me to back away and must change. I miss you x
Juniper22 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 You are right. Here is the email he sent me this morning: i sincerely hope that you mean to change, this isnt a game. Im ready to turn my back on you///something i never thought youd make me do. id like some mails from you that can show me you actually understand all the things youve done and how greatly they have affected me. i dont want to pressure you, i dont want to hurt you. I never have wanted anything for you but peace and happiness. youve forced me to back away and must change. I miss you x He is turning the tables on YOU and blaming YOU. He has put everything off on YOU. He is looking for a justification. He hasn't taken any responsbility for anything. This speaks volumes! This is NOT something that will get better if you choose to stay in this mess.
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Juniper, you are right. And I haven't emailed him back. So now he wants ME to write out a list of MY bad behavior towards HIM and how I plan on correcting it? WTF!? I admit I am not perfect but come on!!!! He point blank lied to me and I point blank had my heart shattered by seeing that pic, and he takes ZERO responsibility? Its ALL ME at fault and I need to fix it so he won't leave me? Trust me Juniper, even in my dillusional heartbroken state I can see he is playing me. It just hurts so damn bad!!!
freestyle Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 This is what's known as "blame-shifting". He's attempting to divert your attention from his own misdeeds, and put it all on you. Yet another abusive tactic.
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 But why? Why is he doing this to me? Why wouldn't he just leave me?? I don't understand.
RobM Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 because he thinks he can manipulate you to coming back, don't email him, don't contact him in anyway it will be easier than trying to argue this long distance
Juniper22 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 But why? Why is he doing this to me? Why wouldn't he just leave me?? I don't understand. Its all about control!
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Not to sound naive, but its so scary people can be this cruel. And I can't figure out how I've spent four years in this!
Juniper22 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Not to sound naive, but its so scary people can be this cruel. And I can't figure out how I've spent four years in this! In the four years you have been with him, has he always been like this?
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Now that I look back......sadly the answer is yes.
RobM Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 There are almost always red flags that show up early and often, we just tend to ignore them while we're madly in love, it's only later when we can look with a more unbiased eye that we realize they were there from the beginning.
freestyle Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 I can only speculate as to his motivations, as I don't know him, but here are some possibilties: 1. He was hanging with his "friend" ,the one in the picture, trying to get something on the side, or possibly testing the waters for a new relationship. Maybe she went back to her H,(the one who left her, because he was that uncomfortable with their "friendship". red flag, BTW, I wonder if her H is aware of more interacting between the two of them than you are...........hmmm...) so maybe she dumped him, and he's trying to get you back,after that didn't work out............ 2.His ego can't stand the blow of being dumped, now he's playing all the dirty tricks to keep you hooked- blame-shifting, deflection, table-turning, guilt-tripping (it's all your fault). That way his ego will continue to be fed. These are only my speculations ,of course.I'm basing my input on the contents of your original post, and his subsequent responses to your suspicions. When a person responds to accusations by counter-attacking to that degree, that tells me they're hiding something. A caring SO would have compassion, and wish to allay your fears, not attack you. Bottom line: He lied to you! About spending time with another woman! His actions say it all. Another poster here had a great line in their signature, "words speak, actions use a bullhorn" Words to live by, IMO. (apologies to the poster I quoted if I didn't word that accurately.)
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Thank you. You guys are helping me deal with this so much! I just want to stay strong, not run back to him and let him hurt me even more. I am convinced he is a total predator.
Juniper22 Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Thank you. You guys are helping me deal with this so much! I just want to stay strong, not run back to him and let him hurt me even more. I am convinced he is a total predator. Hang in there! Just know you deserve better than this.
freestyle Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Here's one more link, sweetie. http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/manip.shtml There's a couple of great articles on this site. One is "Eight Ways to Spot An Emotional Manipulater" another is "You're Special" hope it helps.......post as much as you need.
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Freestyle and Juniper and just everyone here- thank you so much for being so kind and compassionate to me. You guys are the best. I am going to read over these articles now and hope they help sink some sense into me. Just to provide amusement here is ANOTHER email he just sent below (and I say amusement cause thanks to you guys I am starting to see clearer): I still love you, I always will, but you had DAMN WELL BETTER wake up. please honey dont screw this up.
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