stellargirl9 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 We have been together four years- with many great moments and many rocky moments. Most of it has been long distance while we sort out his visa issues with an attorney. Ok so thats the background....here is whats going on. He has a female coworker he was hanging out with from time to time and I was jealous from the start- her husband ended up leaving her cause he was jealous over the situation. Still I convinced myself there is nothing going on. Well.....did some snooping last night (yes I know thats wrong) and found out he has a facebook page where he lists his relationship status as "not saying" and does not have a picture of me on it, yet has a picture of my dog on it. Then I found HER (said coworkers page)- lists herself as single.....BUT found two pictures of her and him from a trip he was supposed to be on with HIS MOM.....then found message she left on another girls page saying she wasnt in on Tuesday cause she normally spends Tuesdays at MY GUYS house (intrestingly enough, me and him spend 5-6 night a week together....on skype)- and now I see whats happening on that one night a week we arent together. When he took this trip I flat out accused him of being with her.....he insisted he was not, said he does NOT cheat, etc etc. Ok so now what? I have photographic evidence he was there with her. He of course doesnt know that. Also what the hell is up??? Why is he spending 5-6 nights a week with ME (online, long distance) and yet spending ONE day a week with a local girl? He mails me gifts all the time, makes up songs for me, etc. I am so confused and I just dont know at all what to think or what to do. He is still declaring his love for me, his plan to move to america, he seriously sleeps on skype with me 5-6 nights a week, sends me long love emails, calls a lot, etc.....why 90% more time and effort on ME (the long distance girl) yet the need for a little time with this local girl?? Is there any way on earth she is just a friend? and if so why does she spend one night a week at his house? what should I do????????????????? I am hurting so bad and I am so confused.
blair08 Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Read back over your post, and I think you might have the answer on whether or not he is playing you. Now its really up to you what to do. Do you want to be with someone who is talking to you online but yet being with other girls in his area?
Ody Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 He's keeping his visa options open. He might like the sex too, when you are in the same place. He's banging this chick for sure. You know what's going on. Dump him.
jerseyboy Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Hes definitely playing you. Although its entirely likely hes not that into the other woman. Which frankly is worse in some ways. Hes not cheating on you because something spectacular happened that caused him to lose sight or become confused abotu the two of you. Its just who he is. And frankly you could of guessed it when she left ehr husband rather than end their friendship. Come on, who does that Hes having sex with her, but it seems like you are the one hes emotionally attached to if that makes you feel any better
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 OMG so Ive just confronted him, it went down BAD. he got angry that i accused him, insisted she is a friend and nothing more and he knew it would make me paranoid cause i get so jealous so he didnt want me to worry over nothing. now he is acting like he is the one mad cause of my lack of trust and now i just dont know what to do say or believe. HELP
jerseyboy Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 OMG so Ive just confronted him, it went down BAD. he got angry that i accused him, insisted she is a friend and nothing more and he knew it would make me paranoid cause i get so jealous so he didnt want me to worry over nothing. now he is acting like he is the one mad cause of my lack of trust and now i just dont know what to do say or believe. HELP You kind of remind me of an Eddie Murphy joke about a wife who walks into her bedroom, catches her husband in bed with another woman, runs out and is chased by the naked cheating husband. Convo goes. wife" Cant believe you cheated on me" hisband "no I didnt" wife" But i just saw you doing it" husband "wasnt me" It ends with her believing it wasnt him Dont be that person
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 JerseyBoy I know you are right. I am just hurting so bad and dont know how to make it stop. What do I do from here?
JackJack Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sure this is a tough situation for you right now. I would imagine, (although I might be wrong) but my guess is he got mad and defensive because he was called out on something he probably was doing. Sure, its possible they are "just friends" nothing more nothing less, BUT she is local you're not. You even said you had seen pics of them together when he had told you he was supposed to be on a trip with his mother. I think you should take a deep breath, take a step back and realize you're better than this and you deserve better. I understand you care for him BUT wouldn't you really rather be with someone who cared and loved you back as well, and is NOT going on trips with other girls, and over at their house or whatever?
norajane Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 He's a big liar and cheater. DUMP HIM. I don't understand what there is to think about. Yes, it hurts to be lied to and cheated on by someone you believe loves you, but that WILL pass. However, if you hold onto this jerk, the hurts will just keep on coming.
jerseyboy Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 JerseyBoy I know you are right. I am just hurting so bad and dont know how to make it stop. What do I do from here? Just have to accept that its part of life. We all know what youre going through, we all know how hard it is, we all know exactly how you feel. And we all wish there was some magical way or answer that could make the pain go away. There just isnt. Which is going to leave you with two choices. Are you going to accept the somewhat lesser pain that will linger for as long as you are in this relationship with a man who doesnt deserver your love, doesnt really appreciate you regardless of his shallow protests, and has already exibited personality traits and a willingness to act on them that absent your feelings for him would clearly evidence he isnt a good choice as a mate. Or suck it up, recognize you are going to be in intense pain for a while when you do, and put an end to it now. Its going to hurt for a long time, dont kid yourself. But in the end far less than what you are doing to yourself now, and itll be a far healthier and healing pain. Also recoignize that however much it doesnt seem as if you ever could, you will feel this way again about other men, likely several times in the future. A lot of what you perceive as "love" is just really your body and its natural wiring intended to keep you with a mate in order to rear children. We are wried to make breaking up "tough" to do, most especially when sex is involved. Nowadays we sort of mitigate that and condition it away with relative promiscuity, that is to say relative to what it was supposed to be. Feelings and love arent the same thing
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 Thank you for your understanding and kindness. Boy this is going to be a rough night. And do you know he has emailed me twice this afternoon saying I am wrong and that he would never cheat on me. He is apparently sticking to that story
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 He called me yesterday and had the audacity to say he never lied to me, he just didnt tell me everything. Insists he has never cheated. Says he doesnt tell me much about the few "female pals" he has cause he knows I get jealous for no reason. He wrote me 2 emails after that I didnt reply to, and he has not contacted me since. I dont know what happens now. Will he just vanish on me? How do I get over him? I definitely should not make contact, right?
norajane Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 It's clear that the only thing that will happen if you contact him is that he will continue to lie to you. So what's the point? Do you want to hear him lie, or worse, pretend that "he just didn't tell you everything" isn't lying and isn't just as deceptive and hurtful? If you do talk to him, introduce him to the concept of "lying by omission".
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Oh I did that yesterday? Can you believe the nerve of him....he said "I didnt lie, I just didnt tell you everything". OH MY GOD is that total predator behaviour or what? Of course its lying! How on earth have I spent 4 years with a man who ended up being such a monster? I am so mad and hurt, but I DO know staying with him would hurt more. But I am still shell shocked right now and I am furious with his whole turn everything around into being MY fault and shift it all to me and make him self blame free tactics. I am not the one who did anything wrong. He is. How do I stop thinking about him though??
norajane Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 It's natural that you'll be thinking about him for a while, and that this will hurt. Just because you finally saw his true colors doesn't mean you can just turn off your emotions like a faucet. You have to do all the things that people do when they break up with someone - allow yourself a few days to cry and eat ice cream and watch sad movies, and lean on your family and friends for emotional support for a while. Then pick yourself up and get back to living your life - go out with your friends, exercise, shop for Christmas presents. Eventually, you'll get him out of your system. For now, hold on to your anger. That will keep you feeling strong, and will remind you that he is definitely NOT the kind of guy you want to be with!
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 20, 2009 Author Posted November 20, 2009 Thanks Norajane. I know its just something I have to go through but its so hard. I just downloaded that book "Its Called a Breakup Because Its Broken" from barnes and noble reader. Hopefully that helps me get through today.
VeveCakes Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 Well you can be a mega biotch like me and contact the other girl. I would message her and say something like are you dating so-and-so? She will let you know one way or the other, she has a right to know too if she left her husband for this douche bag.
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 ok now I wonder if he is just playing games or a total psychopath, here is an email he sent me last night, please read and tell me what you think: To me, besides your mistrust, everything else about you surpasses every woman on earth. If you want to be together heres what you have to do.. give me space accept my life and understand who and what i am. respect my privacy as i do yours. no more questions, if i have something i want you to know i'll tell you get rid of ALL your email and phone numbers, I have no more time for loser freaks following my every move online, or yours. be everything a normal partner is, and nothing you have chosen to be. get psychiatric help and take medication if necessary, which it is. realize i am a human being who has lived a loving time in peace and with a clear heart, and that you have tainted that beyond measure and filled my world with lies and deceit and fear.
looking4 green grass Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 He looks like a nutcase to me. Delete him. Block him from every way he can communicate with you. Yes, you will hurt for a while, but that will eventually go away. Then find someone normal.
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 Thanks for the reply, so I am not the crazy one? This email DOES read as insane right? Not to mention everything else he has done. UGH Why is it STILL so hard to get over someone???
jerseyboy Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Thanks for the reply, so I am not the crazy one? ??? I don't think its an either or situation.
Author stellargirl9 Posted November 23, 2009 Author Posted November 23, 2009 so he clearly is a sick person and there is no question I should leave?
norajane Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Why are you even thinking about staying? You already knew he lied to you. Now he's telling you to take medication. And you're still not sure if you should leave him?
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