Was it worth it?

[heysenberg]

I would like to know from you guys, who have been married for many years, since you were young.

 

Was it worth giving up on everything that a single's life has to offer to be with that one person?

 

(PS: Please say how old you were when you engaged and for how long you've been married)

[giotto]

we got together at 22... was it worth it? I don't know. Our relationship turned out to be a lot more complicated than I thought, because my wife is a complicated person and I'm not! Would I settle down so early in life again - if I could turn the clock back? No. But I couldn't do without my children...

[TaraMaiden]

First of all , your threads all deal with the concern of marriage and commitment to one person, and one person only, for the rest of your life.

I will say two things:

One - Desire is a natural instinct.

Commitment to one person is a choice.

A choice we make through peer pressure, social upbringing, religion and conditioning.

I actually believe humans are neither designed or wired to be faithful to simply one partner.

We're brought up to believe we should be.

 

now, what you do with that information is up to you.

 

I am with a partner, and committed to him, because I want to be.

But I have been married before.

So even though I made marriage vows promising to remain true to my husband 'for as long as you both shall live' - it didn't work out that way for either of

us.

 

I think it's a tall order, myself.

 

Polygamy implies to me that you are looking for a relationship where you would be entitled to have several 'wives'.... but that they would all be faithful to you.

 

polyandry exists, also....

 

Ever thought about Polyamory?

 

Secondly, if you think a commitment to one person is not possible for you, within the society you live - then, don't marry her.

if you don't think you can keep the promise - then don't make it.

 

Simple.

[blair08]

Alot of your threads deal with whether or not you should remain in a relationship, break up or cheat on your g/f. Another thread you've got is about Polamory.

 

Honestly, IMO I think you are making this harder than it needs to be. If you do NOT want to stay in a relationship with just your g/f, you already stated (other women drive you crazy and wonder what it would be like if you were with them) then break things off with your current g/f and go explore what else is out in the world.

 

 

The more threads you make on this, the more I think its clear you really would rather be single and go out and explore. I understand you love her and it would be hard to break up, but I think you'll be ok and so will she.

[allhopelost]

I would like to know from you guys, who have been married for many years, since you were young.

 

Was it worth giving up on everything that a single's life has to offer to be with that one person?

 

(PS: Please say how old you were when you engaged and for how long you've been married)

Started dating at 16, engaged at 19, married at 20, first child at 20, second at 22, third at 24, married total of 19 years, 2 months, days.

Had plans to have our kids grown and out in time to enjoy the rest of our lives together while still young enough to do things.

Now we are almost 40, three years to go for all the kids to be grown, and my wife suddenly decided I wasn't giving her the attention she deserved and started a 3 month affair with a guy she works with.

Do I feel like it was worth giving up the single life and all it has to offer? No, because how can you miss what you never had. Do I feel like I have wasted the best part of my life on someone who could so easily throw her love and respect away for a cheap thrill, someone who I trusted completely and all of the sudden I don't know who the hell she is? Without a doubt YES. All my insecurities about myself have returned stronger than ever. I am realizing there will be no happy ending to my life. All desires and dreams have been destroyed. I am but an echo of who I was once, slowly fading into the distance...repeating the last few months in my head over and over and over... All the good things we shared have been covered in ugliness (not including our children) and all that remains is despair.

If I could do it over again, I would never have fallen in love, ever.

The pain of betrayal is a penalty worse than loneliness and death.

Edited November 19, 2009 by allhopelost

[JamesM]

I won't analyze WHY you are asking this question but rather I will simply answer it....

 

First, I don't think I gave up anything that single life offers...except one thing: the option to have sex with many women. And truthfully, that was never my thing.

 

Second, as was said, just like a bachelor doesn't know what he is missing if he has never been married, a married man doesn't know what it would be like to be a bachelor if he has been married for many years.

 

Third, you give the choice of marriage versus bachelorhood. Yet a third choice is available, and that is a marriage to a different person.

 

That being said...

 

Met at approx 25. Married at approx 26. Been married approx 20 years.

 

Do I feel I lost a single life to be married?

No. I know of a guy who is a bachelor and is around fifty. Do I envy him? Only when my life is hectic or full of problems. But most of the time, I think his life is too lonely for me. Even my wife says if it wasn't her, then it would have been someone else.

 

Would I marry the same woman again?

Yes, despite our problems. Even looking back, I see no woman who I admire or love as I do my wife. Over all of the years, I can say I have met maybe one or two women who struck my fancy enough to think that if I were single, then I would date them. But even as I type them, I cannot remember the name of but one.

 

And has been said, it is very difficult to imagine a future that never happened. It is even more difficult to imagine a future which does happen yet it would be missing my children.

 

The only way to imagine the choices and give a fair answer is to think of a future with the same children (which of course is impossible) and a different mother/wife.

 

I have thought of this very question a number of times over the years. How would I be different if I were single? Or would I rather be single? Or would I have been happier with a different woman?

 

My answer is usually the same. Marriage is for me, and the one I married is the best for me. Perhaps if this question had been asked a few years ago, my answer may have been different. Perhaps in a few years, then the answer may be different.

 

Single or married? That is easy...married.

[GoodOnPaper]

Got together at 24, been together almost 20 years. When I was young, I thought the single life had nothing to offer -- I've always had a very difficult time attracting women. At a very low point, I latched on to the first person who had a legitimate interest in an LTR. She was the driving force behind marriage and kids. Now at midlife, I realize that you don't have to be a player and womanizer to enjoy independence. If I could go back, I would definitely have chosen a different course.

[giotto]

I forgot to say that next year it will be our 20th wedding anniversary... we will be both 47 and together for a grand total of 25 years... gosh!

[heysenberg]

we got together at 22... was it worth it? I don't know. Our relationship turned out to be a lot more complicated than I thought, because my wife is a complicated person and I'm not! Would I settle down so early in life again - if I could turn the clock back? No. But I couldn't do without my children...

 

It's always about the children isn't it?

Thanks for sharing!

 

First of all , your threads all deal with the concern of marriage and commitment to one person, and one person only, for the rest of your life.

I will say two things:

One - Desire is a natural instinct.

Commitment to one person is a choice.

A choice we make through peer pressure, social upbringing, religion and conditioning.

I actually believe humans are neither designed or wired to be faithful to simply one partner.

We're brought up to believe we should be.

 

now, what you do with that information is up to you.

 

I am with a partner, and committed to him, because I want to be.

But I have been married before.

So even though I made marriage vows promising to remain true to my husband 'for as long as you both shall live' - it didn't work out that way for either of

us.

 

I think it's a tall order, myself.

 

Polygamy implies to me that you are looking for a relationship where you would be entitled to have several 'wives'.... but that they would all be faithful to you.

 

polyandry exists, also....

 

Ever thought about Polyamory?

 

Secondly, if you think a commitment to one person is not possible for you, within the society you live - then, don't marry her.

if you don't think you can keep the promise - then don't make it.

 

Simple.

 

How do you guys keep track of my threads?! :p:p

We think the same way about monogamy.

And sure, I won't marry her before I can "clean" my mind of my dirt thoughts. Maybe when I'm 60...

 

Alot of your threads deal with whether or not you should remain in a relationship, break up or cheat on your g/f. Another thread you've got is about Polamory.

 

Honestly, IMO I think you are making this harder than it needs to be. If you do NOT want to stay in a relationship with just your g/f, you already stated (other women drive you crazy and wonder what it would be like if you were with them) then break things off with your current g/f and go explore what else is out in the world.

 

 

The more threads you make on this, the more I think its clear you really would rather be single and go out and explore. I understand you love her and it would be hard to break up, but I think you'll be ok and so will she.

 

The problem is that I get depressed when I'm alone. I don't think I'd be able to keep single for long anyway. I'm such a lost cause

 

Started dating at 16, engaged at 19, married at 20, first child at 20, second at 22, third at 24, married total of 19 years, 2 months, days.

Had plans to have our kids grown and out in time to enjoy the rest of our lives together while still young enough to do things.

Now we are almost 40, three years to go for all the kids to be grown, and my wife suddenly decided I wasn't giving her the attention she deserved and started a 3 month affair with a guy she works with.

Do I feel like it was worth giving up the single life and all it has to offer? No, because how can you miss what you never had. Do I feel like I have wasted the best part of my life on someone who could so easily throw her love and respect away for a cheap thrill, someone who I trusted completely and all of the sudden I don't know who the hell she is? Without a doubt YES. All my insecurities about myself have returned stronger than ever. I am realizing there will be no happy ending to my life. All desires and dreams have been destroyed. I am but an echo of who I was once, slowly fading into the distance...repeating the last few months in my head over and over and over... All the good things we shared have been covered in ugliness (not including our children) and all that remains is despair.

If I could do it over again, I would never have fallen in love, ever.

The pain of betrayal is a penalty worse than loneliness and death.

 

That reminds me I shouldn't cheat on her....

Man, please try to hold on, I'm sure brighter days will come if you keep yourself up. You will fall in love again we always do

 

I won't analyze WHY you are asking this question but rather I will simply answer it....

 

First, I don't think I gave up anything that single life offers...except one thing: the option to have sex with many women. And truthfully, that was never my thing.

 

Second, as was said, just like a bachelor doesn't know what he is missing if he has never been married, a married man doesn't know what it would be like to be a bachelor if he has been married for many years.

 

Third, you give the choice of marriage versus bachelorhood. Yet a third choice is available, and that is a marriage to a different person.

 

That being said...

 

Met at approx 25. Married at approx 26. Been married approx 20 years.

 

Do I feel I lost a single life to be married?

No. I know of a guy who is a bachelor and is around fifty. Do I envy him? Only when my life is hectic or full of problems. But most of the time, I think his life is too lonely for me. Even my wife says if it wasn't her, then it would have been someone else.

 

Would I marry the same woman again?

Yes, despite our problems. Even looking back, I see no woman who I admire or love as I do my wife. Over all of the years, I can say I have met maybe one or two women who struck my fancy enough to think that if I were single, then I would date them. But even as I type them, I cannot remember the name of but one.

 

And has been said, it is very difficult to imagine a future that never happened. It is even more difficult to imagine a future which does happen yet it would be missing my children.

 

The only way to imagine the choices and give a fair answer is to think of a future with the same children (which of course is impossible) and a different mother/wife.

 

I have thought of this very question a number of times over the years. How would I be different if I were single? Or would I rather be single? Or would I have been happier with a different woman?

 

My answer is usually the same. Marriage is for me, and the one I married is the best for me. Perhaps if this question had been asked a few years ago, my answer may have been different. Perhaps in a few years, then the answer may be different.

 

Single or married? That is easy...married.

 

You are extremely loyal in nature. Even though I find it nice, I believe this is something in your genes. Most men are promiscuous by nature...

[JamesM]

You are extremely loyal in nature. Even though I find it nice, I believe this is something in your genes. Most men are promiscuous by nature...

 

They seel my jeans at Sam's Club. All I have in them are my legs, my wallet and my phone. Perhaps it is the phone.

 

Or perhaps it is because I keep my legs IN my jeans.

 

MOST men are promiscuous?

 

Really.

[giotto]

MOST men are promiscuous?

 

Really.

 

 

he said "by nature"... they are not necessarily acting on it... or at least I "read" it like this...

[JamesM]

he said "by nature"... they are not necessarily acting on it... or at least I "read" it like this...

 

Yeah, except to know "by nature," one would think outward evidence would be shown.

 

Using that logic, we could say that "Most men are homosexual by nature...but don't act on it." Or we could say pretty much anything applies to most men...but they don't act on it.

[giotto]

maybe it's because I believe too that most men are promiscuous by nature?

[Spark1111]

I think it is evolutionary biology on the part of a man to desire many women...at least in his mind. I think that is normal.

 

But the more evolved ones realize how lonely that life would be, especially if they had no best friend (a wife) to share it with! HA!

 

When men divorce, their mortality rate jumps 400 Pecent.

 

There is no correlating statistic for women. Maybe, because we process our emotions with other women, we have a sort of a natural, female support system.Hell, most of us can't even go to the bathroom alone.

 

IMHO, a man alone can be just about the lonliest animal on the planet...no matter how much tail he is out and enjoying.

[GorillaTheater]

Married at 21 (my wife was 19) and have been married for almost 26 years. 8 kids.

 

From a sexual standpoint, I don't feel like I've missed out on anything. For most of the time, our sex life has been very good. Nor do I feel the need for variety, though I'd be lying if I said that the thought didn't cross my mind from time to time.

 

But make no mistake, marriage is hard work, more so at some times than others. The emotional connection, in my experience, has a way of ebbing and flowing. That may be the hardest part about marriage, keeping that emotional connection strong, especially since it's not like one spouse can do all or even most of the work on their own.

 

Some sort of "poly" relationship may be best for you. Personally, it would be too complicated for me. I have my hands full with one woman.

[giotto]

I have my hands full with one woman.

 

and the kids...

[GorillaTheater]

and the kids...

 

I can't even begin to tell you.

[OneTwo]

Perhaps I can offer a unique perspective:

 

I was the player type. I learned throughout the years how to attract women. I became very good at it. I never needed a steady girlfriend because I could always find another if the one I was with wasn't working out. I had a new girlfriend about every month or so. A dry spell for me would be about 2 weeks at the most. I could go to a bar, pick out the woman of my choice, and leave with her within a couple of hours, even if it was to only go get coffee. I had major game. I had worked on perfecting my technique and when all the stars lined up just right, it was show time! Women loved me, and guys hated me (except my close friends, they would cheer me on).

 

But, it became a lonely existence. Women began using me as a booty call but would not really take me seriously. I had as many dates as I wanted, but could never get a quality, steady girlfriend. I was going through women like Kleenex tissues. More than likely, most of the women I was meeting were damaged goods. When I would meet a woman that I was interested in that seemed to have her act together and would ask her out, she would say something along the lines of, "I would never go for a guy like you". My wife says that I reminded her of Anthony DiNozzo on NCIS -- if you know what that show is.

 

Anyway, I decided I had to change my ways if I was to ever have a long-term, meaningful relationship. So, I did. I stopped hanging out at the meat-market bars, I started working on my inner self, and quit sleeping with women on the first date (hell within the first couple of hours of meeting them sometimes, lol). And then I met the girl of my dreams.

 

So I settled down and ended up getting married at age 36 (I'm 42 now). Do I miss the single life? Sometimes -- you know, the thrill of the kill and all. But, I definitely got to sew all of my wild oats prior to marriage. I don't think I missed out on much that the single life has to offer, and I really mean that -- I did some crazy things. But marriage has been really great to me, and I was ready to move on to that station in life. It was time and I really needed a woman that I could pour all of my heart and soul into. And, I found my dream girl and would never do anything to jeopardize that.

 

My recommendation to anyone who is having doubts about marriage is to get it all out of your system before you commit. I definitely did, and I am very happy with my married status and have no need whatsoever to go back to the single life.

[Ronni_W]

maybe it's because I believe too that most men are promiscuous by nature?

I believe that most PEOPLE (and animals) are promiscuous by nature; and a few are not. And most PEOPLE do their very best to honour their word; they do not take their own verbal promises, vows and commitments to others lightly. (We tend to be more loosey-goosey with our self-promises and commitments, IME.)

 

heysenberg, it's about being able to uphold your own values and standards, and trust your own word/Self. Integrity and authenticity. When it comes to others, it's a matter of whether or not you want them to see you as honest, trustworthy, reliable, etc., etc.

 

Figure out what you value, how you want to feel about yourself, and how you want others to see you, and then decide what actions would best support all of that. Sometimes you won't hit your mark...but you'll be able to forgive yourself easier when you know 100% that your primary goal had been to live UP to your highest vision of your Self. Something like that.

 

To answer your question for this thread. I met my now-ex at 24, married at 30, separated at 38. But I was not a virgin when I met him, which I think a lot of your concern is around that(?)

Edited November 19, 2009 by Ronni_W
grammar

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Was it worth giving up on everything that a single's life has to offer to be with that one person?

 

Yes and no.

 

I didn't mind giving up the single life.....but I chose the wrong woman to do it with.

I was 21 when we met and now I am 45.

[Love2love7]

I won't analyze WHY you are asking this question but rather I will simply answer it....

 

First, I don't think I gave up anything that single life offers...except one thing: the option to have sex with many women. And truthfully, that was never my thing.

 

Second, as was said, just like a bachelor doesn't know what he is missing if he has never been married, a married man doesn't know what it would be like to be a bachelor if he has been married for many years.

 

Third, you give the choice of marriage versus bachelorhood. Yet a third choice is available, and that is a marriage to a different person.

 

That being said...

 

Met at approx 25. Married at approx 26. Been married approx 20 years.

 

Do I feel I lost a single life to be married?

No. I know of a guy who is a bachelor and is around fifty. Do I envy him? Only when my life is hectic or full of problems. But most of the time, I think his life is too lonely for me. Even my wife says if it wasn't her, then it would have been someone else.

 

Would I marry the same woman again?

Yes, despite our problems. Even looking back, I see no woman who I admire or love as I do my wife. Over all of the years, I can say I have met maybe one or two women who struck my fancy enough to think that if I were single, then I would date them. But even as I type them, I cannot remember the name of but one.

 

And has been said, it is very difficult to imagine a future that never happened. It is even more difficult to imagine a future which does happen yet it would be missing my children.

 

The only way to imagine the choices and give a fair answer is to think of a future with the same children (which of course is impossible) and a different mother/wife.

 

I have thought of this very question a number of times over the years. How would I be different if I were single? Or would I rather be single? Or would I have been happier with a different woman?

 

My answer is usually the same. Marriage is for me, and the one I married is the best for me. Perhaps if this question had been asked a few years ago, my answer may have been different. Perhaps in a few years, then the answer may be different.

 

Single or married? That is easy...married.

 

I admire your response! I can tell you're a good man.