mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 i thought i was doing ok. the tears had settled. i had gotten back to normal life. things are looking up with H. in my heart i feel focused, the feelings are returning stronger than i expected, i have a new confidence that we will be ok. but the last day or two the tears have returned. and its because of xmm. im not even sure what part bothers me. that he could so easily walk away, the fact that last week he said he still loved me, how ugly this whole thing ended, or maybe i miss him. i just dont know. it just seems like everywhere i turn, something reminds me of him and our times together. and it hurts. has anyone had this happen? the pain is as real as it was the day he told me it was over...
Meranna Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 It's been 2 1/2 months since I broke things off with my xMM when I found out he and his wife were going to try counseling. The first month and a half I was a mess, just trying to get through each day, but then things seemed to be getting better. Last week I was driving home after having something good happen to me, and the first thing that entered my mind was that I couldn't wait to tell him. I had to pull over because I was just overcome with sadness and started crying uncontrollably. I don't know where it all came from but I can say it felt good to cry it all out. I guess I noticed him missing from my life. I think during times like these we are just doing our best to keep our head down, ignore the pain and trudge along until we move past them and sometimes that pain catches up with us and takes us by surprise. I hope you start feeling better again.
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 thanks for sharing. i understand your post. hes not only the one i used to turn to when things were bad, but when things were good too. i used to tell him everything about my day, no matter how meaningless. i just hope this ends soon. im not really understaning it, i thought i was starting to get over him.
wheelwright Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 i just hope this ends soon. im not really understaning it, i thought i was starting to get over him. Hi MBEG. As you may know, I too was thrown under the bus. I didn't deal with it with the same hi self regard and rage as you. I grieved without the anger. I have drawn strength from your anger, which I see as healthy after abandonment. Not internalising etc. And I feel angry too now. However, there are bound to be sad feelings for you about it all sometimes. Grieving isn't only the rage. You lost someone in a painful way. Are you letting yourself have these feelings because you feel less angry now he's told you he still loves you? If so, I can understand that. I think there may be lots of feelings to deal with after this kind of loss. I am sure you are starting to get over him, but it takes time and a whole array of feelings. Don't panic! Time is your friend here. Keep strong.
Ronni_W Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 im not really understaning it, i thought i was starting to get over him. Hugs, mbeg. It's about YOU, though. Have you connected with whatever unhappiness, pain, etc., you'd been feeling at the time it all started? Is there some part that you're still angry at yourself -- for any phase of it. Example, have you forgiven yourself for letting your life get to the point where you were able to even get into it with xMM? It can be weird like that...sometimes we have to go digging REAL deep; and give ourselves kindness and compassion. And forgiveness for all of it -- the good feelings, the crappy feelings, our actions, our inactions, weaknesses, strengths...ALL of it. It's fine. You're fine. It's going to be fine. You're still important, valuable and lovable. Yes?
Author mybrowneyedgirl Posted November 19, 2009 Author Posted November 19, 2009 thanks for the kind words guys. i hope this passes quickly.
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 hes not only the one i used to turn to when things were bad, but when things were good too. i used to tell him everything about my day, no matter how meaningless. You miss how he made you feel. And (maybe) because your H doesn't make you feel the same way MM did, that's another reason why you're feeling sad and missing him. Take it one day at a time and don't lose focus of what's real, and what's important.
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 It also could be because NC isn't complete NC. You work with him, know people who know him, so it's not like you can do the out of sight out of mind thing. How can one grieve and really let go if you know you're gonna see/run into him daily.
ladydesigner Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 (((mbeg))) One day at a time. I have been out of my A for 1.5 years and once in a while a song or something that is said will bring a certain memory back. Sometimes I remember it warmly and others with pain and hurt. I think with time eventually it will just be a memory with no feelings attached, kinda like how I feel about my first love. Time heals all. I know it is sounds so cliche but I believe it. When I do have a bad day I just feel the feelings and the next day it is gone. At least now at this point the pain does not last longer than 15 minutes (I will not allow it anymore). Compared to 1.5 years ago when the pain was all consuming. It will get better.
whichwayisup Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 I am replying more to your thread so I won't thread jack the other one.. anyone have any advice on how to achieve this? i work with xmm. i have chosen not to contact him in anyway. he talks to me at work, i always stop the conversation. but just seeing him hurts. knowing hes trying to talk to me, even when i dont respond opens up all of the emotions. its pure painful torture. i want to get over him but every time i see him just brings it all back. Yes, getting another job has to happen if you want to get over him. Not only is this doing damage to you by working with him, but it's killing off what you have at home with your husband. All that honesty and hard work to regain your husband's faith and trust in you again is pointless if you still miss, desire, want MM.. You have to work hard, get therapy and work through the pain, somehow... And stop letting ego get in the way that he chose his wife over you. His feelings and his wife's feelings are more important - Just like YOUR husband's feelings and your feelings should be more important than his. im looking for another job. i havent found one yet, hopefully soon. That's fantastic! but the pain at the moment seems to be getting worse. hes getting his "fix" by being around me, talking to me, whatever. just the thought of him crushes my heart and tears me to shreds. im a mess and im not sure how to make myself not care anymore. 2 choices here..1 confess all this (again) to your H, and/or 2) take a leave of absence from work. Get a DR's note, take stress leave. Seriously consider this because I have no idea how well you're functioning at work if this upsets you so much, consumes you so much.. i can see hes a total jerk. i realize he picked her, loves her, his marriage is much more important that my feelings. my mind knows what kind of person he really is. but my heart hurts over the fact that he easily chose to stay in the marriage and shut me out without a second thought.. ive never wanted him to be my husband. i never wanted it to be forever. but i did trust him as my best friend, i believed he cared about me as a person. and im not sure how to deal with the fact that i meant so little to a man who meant so much to me. STOP looking at him as your bestfriend!! HE ISN'T and he never was!!! He was your affair partner. The man who helped you betray your husband. Your bestfriend should be a woman, someone who loves you genuinally and fully cares about your wellbeing. Not some MM whom you had an affair with! Or, your H could and maybe should be your bestfriend.. It's good you're talking this stuff out, it'll help you figure out/sort out where to go next. What if he had left his wife? Would you have left your H or just continued in the A? What was the point of all this if you never intended him to one day be your husband? I don't understand. I'm sure he did care about you but again, each of you have spouses and the friendship/affair/relationship was UNhealthy for both of you... You know this. I am sorry if some of what I've said is harsh, it's just you're a mess and it's like you start to go down the pathway of recovery, then BAM, you go backwards.. Start accepting things as they are, stop taking it so personally that he made his choice (which he had every right to do at some point, especially since you've said you didn't want him as your husband, which means he supplied some form of ego stroking for you, and I wonder how much of this is hurting because it's ego related?>> just a thought..) Own your part in this.. Stop thinking of the why's and how's of MM, and focus on you. YOU are more important than what MM thinks or feels!!
ladydesigner Posted November 20, 2009 Posted November 20, 2009 STOP looking at him as your bestfriend!! HE ISN'T and he never was!!! He was your affair partner. Yes this is the statement that changes everything and once you realize this you will let him go and move on. I don't know how long it took me before I realized " hey wait a second this man is not my friend, he helped me betray my husband." Plus a best friend would never hurt you, but a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, affair partner can.
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