He stumbled in at 1am...

[NotNow]

This girl (Jane, whom I have met once) emailed my bf and one of his girl friends (Jessica) to say she was going to be in town this week and hoped they would be able to meet up one night.

 

Jane and Jessica are "best friends," but they haven't seen each in 4 years, and they've barely spoken to each other in that time either. My bf knows Jane through Jessica, and he and Jane don't really speak either. He has only seen Jane once in the last four years, and that was the same time I met her.

 

Jessica really wanted my bf to be there (as a "buffer" whatever that means) when she met up with Jane, since they haven't seen or spoken to each other in years.

 

My bf mentioned the email to me and said I could come if I wanted (said as an after-thought). Then he didn't say anything more about it until yesterday morning. When we were getting ready for work he was like "by the way, tonight I'm getting dinner with Jane and Jessica." Because he hadn't included me in the plans (I know he had been texting both of them for a couple days before that), didn't tell me what HIS plan was until last minute, and then told me he was getting dinner and didn't mention me coming, I felt that I wasn't invited. However, I do know I would have been able to go had I said something. I just didn't really feel comfortable at that point, so I chose not to.

 

Last night my bf met these two women out for dinner at 7pm. I know for a fact, because I dropped him off at 7 at this girl's hotel then...which was actually a half hour before they were all supposed to meet, so Jessica wasn't even there yet.

 

Apparently this dinner was more of a drinking kind of get together, as I didn't hear from bf again until he stumbled in, completely wasted, at 1am.

 

I pretended to be asleep when he came in, as I didn't feel like dealing with him then, and I got up for work earlier than usual (while he was still passed out) and left before he woke up so I wouldn't have to try to talk to him before work.

 

I'm furious, as well as disgusted by his behavior. I don't think there is any reason a 33 year old adult needs to stay out that late getting totally hammered on a week night with a girl friend and some random girl neither of them is truly friends with.

 

He think I'm blowing things out of proportion and being ridiculous. What do you think? I don't know what to do right now.

[TaleSpin]

I'm furious, as well as disgusted by his behavior. I don't think there is any reason a 33 year old adult needs to stay out that late getting totally hammered on a week night with a girl friend and some random girl neither of them is truly friends with.

 

33-year-old's can't stay out 'til 1 and get hammered?

 

Man, that sucks. I don't want to be 33.

 

...

 

It's possible you're overreacting, if the girl that is actually his friend is a good friend that you're okay with.

[NotNow]

33-year-old's can't stay out 'til 1 and get hammered?

 

Man, that sucks. I don't want to be 33.

 

...

 

It's possible you're overreacting, if the girl that is actually his friend is a good friend that you're okay with.

 

How old are you?

 

No, I don't think a 33 year old, who spent the last 18 years being a wasted mess and experimenting with drugs and who supposedly wants a mature relationship and to start acting like an adult should be getting so ****-faced on a week night that he can't go to work the next day. Totally inappropriate in my mind.

 

I agree it's possible I'm overreacting.

 

Yes, one of the girls is his good friend that I am OK with (though I'm not OK with him getting totally hammered just the two of them when I'm not invited; he shouldn't be putting himself in that kind of position IMO). However, the girl who is actually a friend and whom I am OK with did NOT stay out until 1am getting wasted. She ate dinner, had a couple drinks, and went home to bed at a reasonable time so she could go to work this morning.

[Enema]

I think you're overreacting too.

 

Is this really about him staying out and getting hammered on a weeknight, or is this about jealousy / insecurity on some level?

 

Do you trust him?

[NotNow]

I think you're overreacting too.

 

Is this really about him staying out and getting hammered on a weeknight, or is this about jealousy / insecurity on some level?

 

Do you trust him?

 

Maybe I've been unclear.

 

My issue is this:

I find it inappropriate for a 33 year old who is in a serious, exclusive relationship with another person he is living with and supposedly wants to marry, to be getting black-out drunk with some for-all-intents-and-puroposes-random girl on a week night.

 

And it's not about insecurity or jealousy, it's about feeling disrespected.

[jerseyboy]

I suspect there is some jealousy underlying it all. Nothing wrong with that, its natural. Often healthier than people give it credit for, as the althernatives also include ambivalence and or obliviousness.

 

But I tend to agree with you actually, although no doubt Ill be in the miniority. Im a little more old fashioned than some when it comes to this stuff though. I dont believe in throwing an ex in your current partners face by maintaining any direct contact. He really doesnt have any necessary business being in a hotel getting hammered with two chicks, including an ex gf (to add insult to injury)

 

But a lot of people think thats normal so what do I know.

 

My philosophy is I dont try to change people and who they are. I just decide what I can or cant live with, and act accordingly.

[Javelin]

I suspect there is some jealousy underlying it all. Nothing wrong with that, its natural. Often healthier than people give it credit for, as the althernatives also include ambivalence and or obliviousness.

 

But I tend to agree with you actually, although no doubt Ill be in the miniority. Im a little more old fashioned than some when it comes to this stuff though. I dont believe in throwing an ex in your current partners face by maintaining any direct contact. He really doesnt have any necessary business being in a hotel getting hammered with two chicks, including an ex gf (to add insult to injury)

 

But a lot of people think thats normal so what do I know.

 

My philosophy is I dont try to change people and who they are. I just decide what I can or cant live with, and act accordingly.

 

I'll also agree, that's not a position that he should have put himself into as a committed partner. Jealousy aside, it's rude & disrespectful and I'm sure if the roles were reversed, he'd be pissed off too.

[NotNow]

I suspect there is some jealousy underlying it all. Nothing wrong with that, its natural. Often healthier than people give it credit for, as the althernatives also include ambivalence and or obliviousness.

 

But I tend to agree with you actually, although no doubt Ill be in the miniority. Im a little more old fashioned than some when it comes to this stuff though. I dont believe in throwing an ex in your current partners face by maintaining any direct contact. He really doesnt have any necessary business being in a hotel getting hammered with two chicks, including an ex gf (to add insult to injury)

 

But a lot of people think thats normal so what do I know.

 

My philosophy is I dont try to change people and who they are. I just decide what I can or cant live with, and act accordingly.

Agreed. I'm trying to decide how big of a deal this is to me. This is the first time this has happened, so in and of itself the drinking thing isn't a huge deal.

 

I'm not sure I want to continue to be in a relationship with someone his age (someone in his mid-30s really should know better by now) who doesn't know how to (or doesn't care to) respect his gf and his relationship with her.

 

Maybe he was just being careless and it didn't occur to him, but still...isn't it reasonable to expect a certain level of AUTOMATIC sensitivity and consideration? He shouldn't have to be told that, IMO. But again, I'm really mad so there's a chance I'm exaggerating and being stubborn.

 

I'll also agree, that's not a position that he should have put himself into as a committed partner. Jealousy aside, it's rude & disrespectful and I'm sure if the roles were reversed, he'd be pissed off too.

 

Probably, but the thing is, I would never put myself in that type of situation. I'm saying this mostly because I'm angry, but right now I can't help but think "Why should he get such an awesome respectful gf that he can trust to do the right thing if he can't reciprocate such behavior?"

[VeveCakes]

I'd be interested in hearing how he would react if you went out drinking with 2 guys until 1am and came home that drunk...

[NotNow]

Jessica just called me about the other night. She didn't stay the whole time, but Jane (her friend) told her what happened after she left, and Jessica just feels so terrible about it and wants to apologize to me, blah blah blah.

 

Apparently what Jane told Jessica is that she and my bf stayed at the bar drinking for several hours after Jessica left. They got pretty drunk. Jane has "always" had a crush on my bf (from the time I met her, my impression is more along the lines of she wants to f*ck any guy who acts semi-nice to her), and she took it as a sign of interest that my bf stayed to drink with her after Jessica left.

 

So when he took her back to her hotel room she made a move on him, and apparently they made out before he left because his "gf is waiting at home."

[Javelin]

Jessica just called me about the other night. She didn't stay the whole time, but Jane (her friend) told her what happened after she left, and Jessica just feels so terrible about it and wants to apologize to me, blah blah blah.

 

Apparently what Jane told Jessica is that she and my bf stayed at the bar drinking for several hours after Jessica left. They got pretty drunk. Jane has "always" had a crush on my bf (from the time I met her, my impression is more along the lines of she wants to f*ck any guy who acts semi-nice to her), and she took it as a sign of interest that my bf stayed to drink with her after Jessica left.

 

So when he took her back to her hotel room she made a move on him, and apparently they made out before he left because his "gf is waiting at home."

 

Please dump this clown.. Obviously he knew what he was doing and didn't care about how you would feel about the situation and if you ask me, you don't need this crap, because you're too good of a person to have to deal with this type of immaturity.

 

Find a guy that would respect you, just as you would respect him.

[Miad's Princess]

OP in your original post you wrote "he thinks I am blowing it out of proportion"

 

Now you find out he cheated on you (he made out with jane)

 

Do you need any other reason to leave!

[Maggotface]

I hope you left this guy. I understand your jelousy, I would be jelous too if my boyfriend wanted to go hang out all night with other girls and I was not invited, especially some girl he barely knew. Not only does he not respect you at all, if you had to hear about what he did from someone else then I can only imagine what else he's done that you dont know about.

[nittanylion]

He was thinking with his d ick, not his head. He is putting himself in tempting situation with Jane. Unfortunetly, he had done the deed with her, and may cause a possible break up with you. Now, your relationship is in dire strait, trust issues will be hard to overcome. I dont blame you for being angry at him. Yeah, he is disrespecting you. He should have gone home the same time as jessica that would be understandable from your perspective, and avoid the problem. There is no excuse for this behavior from a 34 year old man who has to work the next day.

Edited November 25, 2009 by nittanylion

[Skump]

You people downplaying this... are you all 40 going on 16? This guy is behaving like a mental infant. You don't go out getting plastered with other women when you're in a committed relationship - especially when you've a background like his. Jeez Louise, do I really need to explain this?

 

OP, this is going to come across as harsh, but... fact is, losers don't tend to change their stripes. Were I you, I'd be asking myself what I'd advise someone else in your position.

[NotNow]

Yeah.

 

Had he told me up-front what the deal was, we might have been able to work this out (though I doubt it).

 

But the combination of him saying I'm overreacting, and then having someone else tell me what happened is not good.

 

Right now we're spending time apart with our own families for the holidays.

 

My bf says that what Jessica told me never happened; that Jane probably lied to Jessica.

 

I think that his behavior (drinking with some random girl) is not okay, but from the one time I met Jane, I honestly wouldn't be surprised to find out she lied.

 

Trying to figure out what to do here and who to believe.

[Miad's Princess]

Regardless he hasn't made it good for himself, as others have said he should have left when Jessica left instead of staying out till that hour on his own with her.

Being insensitive to your feelings was another f*ck up from him.

 

Think about it did you really think when you confronted him he would turn round as say "sure I cheated on you hon" of course he is going to deny it, it is what cheaters do

[2sunny]

seriously, do you think that a guy goes out drinking until 1am with two gals and some stuff isn't intended? men go because they have a plan. the plans in his head was probably him and the two gals... ya, guys are like that.

 

ask him this - how would he like it if you went out drinking until 1am with two guys and he found out a few days later that you were messing around with the guy and lying about it to him, telling him he's over reacting?

 

google gaslighting - because that's what he was doing to you by saying you're over reacting etc... i've had it done to me and i will tell you this - i will never date a man who even attempts to gaslight me... if he can't even be honest, then why is it worth it?

 

he's showing some majorly bad character in the whole scenario.

[2sunny]

So when he took her back to her hotel room she made a move on him, and apparently they made out before he left because his "gf is waiting at home."

 

wait... HE took her back to her hotel room? WHY would HE need to go there at all? WTF? this tells you his clear intention was to be with her by even going to her room.

 

HE shouldn't have been near her room - unless he intended to have sex with her, which he obviously did.

[phineas]

wait... HE took her back to her hotel room? WHY would HE need to go there at all? WTF? this tells you his clear intention was to be with her by even going to her room.

 

HE shouldn't have been near her room - unless he intended to have sex with her, which he obviously did.

 

and since she let him walk her to her room she most likely had the same thing on her mind also.

She probably did lie to her friend.

The truth is they probably went at it & she used the "we stopped after we got too far" lie because she didn't want her friend mad at her & nobody would believe they shook hands & went their seperate ways after it slipped he went to her hotel room.

Edited November 30, 2009 by phineas