black_days Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I cheated on my husband, we have been married for 3 years next Jan. we have not been living together for most of the 3 years due to immigration issues and him serving in the military, I have been desperatly waiting for this day to come for us to finally be together, and it has, last week. We have just been ruinted last week after being apart for a year. During this past summer i started having an affiar with a family friend i have known for years, there was never much contact between me and this man untill just in the last year, we started off as friends and i never hid it from my husband or other friends, i can't even recall the turning point of when the flirtations started, but it slowly went from emails and online to texting and phone calls, he lives a few hours away, we spent one weekend together, and met one more time for a day outing (no sex). when i told him my husband was to be arriving to the states soon, we knew we had to end it, and we did, he is married as well, and we never made any promises to leave our spouses or anything, he loves his wife and i truly love my husband. After my husband came, i was on cloud nine, i couldnt be happier, finally getting to start my life with him, and i left everything behind me, i felt terribly guilty but i just wanted to forget it and move on, then 4 days after his arrival, he asks me about certain pictures of me and the other man on my computer, along with emails, all of which i had thought i deleted. my husband is devestated and so am i, he wants a divorce and says he can never forgive me. I dont know what to do, i cant even talk to anybody about it because nobody knew, and because of the common friends and family we have i can not ever reveal the identity of this man. i tried telling my husband the whole truth, how i never intended to have an affair, how i was very lonley and he just happend to be there, how i dont love him, how it wasnt anything against my husband, that it was all me. he wont listen to me, he wont talk to me, and we have not spoken in days, i try to talk to him but all he keeps telling me is that its over. i want him back, i love him more than anything, and truly never meant to hurt him, but i know i did. how can i fix this. please help
Blindsidedagainalive Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 i never intended to have an affair, how i was very lonley and he just happend to be there, how i dont love him, how it wasnt anything against my husband, that it was all me Who cares what you intended, you had an affair. When you are lonely, you contact FEMALE friends, you write, you volunteer, you get hobbies. At this point, these excuses seem lame to him. With these excuses, he imagines you will do it again if you are lonely. Write him a heartfelt letter expressing your love. Ask him to give it a chance and request marriage councelling. Tell him you will seek individual councelling to discover what your issues are. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES- blame him for ANYTHING at this point. You can work on relationship issues later....if he is willing to work on it. ALWAYS BE 100% HONEST. If he catches you in ANY lies, the trust will be gone again. Your remorse would seem more sincere if you volunteered this affair to your husband. You would not have said anything....he caught you.
Bryanp Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 In addition, you were not honest and upfront about the affair. He had to catch you. He probably feels that you never would have told him. He therefore probably believes that you have no problem lying to him and keeping secrets from him. He feels now you are totally untrustworthy. Assuming he was faithful for three years, he now feels he is the biggest fool on the planet. If the roles had been reversed how do you think you would be feeling now?
hopesndreams Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Why bother trying to fix anything? You are broken and beyond repair. Let him go so he has chance to be with someone faithful and true.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 (edited) i want him back, i love him more than anything bulls##t lady. if you did, you wouldn't have cheated. get real. and truly never meant to hurt him, but i know i did. how can i fix this. please help depends on your husband. If he is like me, and hopefully he is, he'll be asking an attorney if he can still get the marriage annulled. If he is blinded by desperation of losing a marriage and isn't thinking clearly, you might have a shot at snowballing him into thinking this will never happen again. 3 years? dayum. I'd hate to see what happens at 10. ok, all that aside, what can you do? EVERYTHING YOU CAN. You don't do ANYTHING that he doesn't feel comfortable you doing for starters. That means if you want to engage in activities that are more condusive to cheating and where cheating more easily happens(like clubbing, barhopping, staying out til 4am), then you don't do it. If you aren't willing to give up things like that, then you don't deserve to be married. Not saying that when married people have to give up alot.....but you cheated....different story. You have proven you can't handle fidelity without a little policing. he gets all account username and passwords...to ALL your communication mediums. none of this is controlling. its what YOU need to do to show him that if he ever has doubts or questions, that he has the power to find out for himself what you are doing. If you don't like any of it and think you are being controlled, then just get an annullment and move on. Edited November 19, 2009 by Dexter Morgan
Dexter Morgan Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 he wants a divorce and says he can never forgive me. for HIS sake, I hope he goes through with it.
whichwayisup Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 All you can do now is respect HIS choice to walk away.. Understand that he may not forgive you, want to give you a second chance. All the faith and trust he had in you and your marriage is gone and out the window. Get counselling, work on you. Maybe, just maybe if he sees genuine remorse, sees you take total ownership of your choices, he MAY choose one day to talk to you, try to sort things out..But right now he doesn't have it in him, so again, respect his decision, back off and allow him time and space to think about what he wants to do. Just make sure it's COMPLETELY over with the OM and you go into NC (No contact) mode with him.
GetReal Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Well... You did wrong and you confess that. I am a man and if I my girlfriend had done that, I would probably arrange some counselling for both of us, preferably separate (believe me I am very possessive about my girlfriend). If you would have told you H about this 'hanky banky', things would have different. But since, he 'caught' you, you seem untrustworthy but its fixable according to me. We all are humans, and humans make mistakes. Divorce or separation is not the solution of the problem. Ask yourself, how sincere you are with him? Are you really sincere or its just your fear that he will leave you? If he is away for like 10 years (hope he doesn't), is there a minor possibility that you would do that again? Apologize as much as you can. Assure him that you love him and want to continue this relationship. Also reverse the role and think what would you do if your husband do the same to do. You will find much clearer answers. Wish you best of luck!
jnj express Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 Unfortunately you chose to spend your time flirting and getting into an A., You wrecked your life, and your cheating partner, is hiding deception from his own innocent family. Your H. trusted you, you disrespected him. You were so happy he was coming back, meanwhile would you have taken the secret of this A. to your grave. If you are TRULY IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, you don't go flirting with other men, at least women who take their vows seriously DON'T. As to the future, you can only do the best you can to try and show your H. complete and total remorse, transparency, love, and whatever else he would ask of you. Unfortunately he doesn't seem to want any part of you. You cannot control what he will do, you can only control what you will do. You chose to blow up your mge. In this instance if your H. divorces you, you will learn a valuble lesson, If you have a good, loving, true, man don't go off looking in trash bins for something to mess around with. You do realize the OM is trash no matter what you think of him, as he has cheated on his family also!!!!!
samsungxoxo Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 You were just flirting. It's not like you slept with him or kissed him. Might as well send him to hell, I would do that. Then find yourself one that doesn't blow up over just flirting...
lostsunsets Posted November 23, 2009 Posted November 23, 2009 She did sleep with him. Over the weekend. She didn't have sex the second time they met.
samsungxoxo Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 She did sleep with him. Over the weekend. She didn't have sex the second time they met. Oh my... ok thank you for clearing this up. Yes the post was confusing... Then nevermind, I see this as worst because since it was a long distance relationship and only to find out he was cheated on. She would have to be honest with him from now on and never get defensive when he ask for details. If he does want to work it out, go to marriage counseling with him...
MadMission Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 he loves his wife and i truly love my husband Really? Do you really believe OM loves his W? Really? Do you really believe that you love your H? Really? Think about it. Actions speak louder than words. In your mind, turn the tables...with YOU being the one to discover multiple secret e-mail exchanges between your H and another woman...view pictures they exchanged in secret...learn that your H had fun times flirting with this woman, and that your H was touching this woman, etc! Let your H go if he wants to go. Don't make this any harder on him then it already is.
Dexter Morgan Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 Oh my... ok thank you for clearing this up. Yes the post was confusing... Then nevermind, I see this as worst because since it was a long distance relationship and only to find out he was cheated on. She would have to be honest with him from now on and never get defensive when he ask for details. If he does want to work it out, go to marriage counseling with him... even if she didn't sleep with him, it wasn't JUST flirting, as you would have us believe. She would still have been cheating emotionally. It wasn't them just being silly and patting each other on the arm, and her flinging her hair all cutesy like as if it was JUST flirting. it was an emotional affair if it wasn't physical, it WAS cheating.
LakesideDream Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 This is the easiest question to answer in months.. You don't "win" him back, if you actually have the slightest feelings for him at all you encourage him to leave. You are not the right woman for him. You are the "right woman" for a man who wants an open marriage. One where you can have whatever you want, whenever you want it. If you are still reading.. (and you probably are not) make the divorce as simple for your husband is possible. You deserve nothing from this realtionship. Your gifts have reaped their rewards.
samsungxoxo Posted November 24, 2009 Posted November 24, 2009 it was an emotional affair if it wasn't physical, it WAS cheating. I guess, for some reason I always have a hard time with that term. If it had been only emotional then I don't think I would mind at all unless my SO hardly ever spends time with me, then I guess some jealousy would take place but not to the point of crying...
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