leftyright1 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I'm 33, my girlfriend is 26. We've been dating for 9 months. We both love each other and qualities in each other. Its not perfect, but I'd consider marrying this girl. We've talked about potentially marrying one day. One big issue - money. She's a student and has credit card debt yet is willing to spend $1500 on vacations b/c they are important to her. I'm much more budget oriented and feel like if I had debt (which I don't) that she'd want to pay this down first. I make much more than she does and have a good amount of savings. Granted, she is not working right now in a real job b/c of school (she does do some work but it pays little). I feel like she expects that I should pay for most everything since I am in a better spot financially and pay more for the vacation. I'm willing to pay a little more and I do pick up almost all dinners, etc... but I'm just starting to feel uncomfortable that she handles her money this way and/or that she expects I'd pay for everything now and wondering what she'll expect if we marry. Is it possible this breaks the relationship? Or do you think this can be worked through? Its making me sick.
mark982 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 have you set down and seriously discussed this with her? couldn't tell from your post.
mem11363 Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 Money is such a big cause of stress and ultimately divorce that it is important to sort this out now. How much credit card debt does she have? Do you think she takes it seriously or do you think she simply thinks it is ok to rack it up because in the next couple years she will marry and it will become someone elses problem? Does she want to be a working mom or a stay at home mom? That is a very critical piece of the puzzle. Does she have a problematic sense of entitlement in the day to day? For example if you ask her to go out to dinner and let her pick the place, does she tend to select a very expensive place, a mid ranged place, or a less pricey place? There are books that have lots of good questions about finances for couples to discuss BEFORE getting engaged. For instance: - If your family income was X (pick a number equal to your current salary) how would she like to live: - cars, - house - vacations - other What savings rate will result. Negative savings (uh oh ), no savings, 10 percent, 20 percent. Same question for your income plus her hypothetical income. How many kids to you both want to have? Does she even approach it that way? Some folks approach things in terms of 85% of income. Income (take home pay = x) expenses need to be managed to 85% of x or less. And then everything gets driven backwards from a savings goal. I'm 33, my girlfriend is 26. We've been dating for 9 months. We both love each other and qualities in each other. Its not perfect, but I'd consider marrying this girl. We've talked about potentially marrying one day. One big issue - money. She's a student and has credit card debt yet is willing to spend $1500 on vacations b/c they are important to her. I'm much more budget oriented and feel like if I had debt (which I don't) that she'd want to pay this down first. I make much more than she does and have a good amount of savings. Granted, she is not working right now in a real job b/c of school (she does do some work but it pays little). I feel like she expects that I should pay for most everything since I am in a better spot financially and pay more for the vacation. I'm willing to pay a little more and I do pick up almost all dinners, etc... but I'm just starting to feel uncomfortable that she handles her money this way and/or that she expects I'd pay for everything now and wondering what she'll expect if we marry. Is it possible this breaks the relationship? Or do you think this can be worked through? Its making me sick.
bloggervenus Posted November 18, 2009 Posted November 18, 2009 I applaud you for asking this question now and BEFORE walking down the isle. Money is a major source of arguments and separations. So, you have to talk about all of these issues and meet half way in between. Yes, educate yourself using some of the many books and sources available on the subject. Make sure that you see signs of improvements and real behavioral change before you propose.
Enema Posted November 19, 2009 Posted November 19, 2009 Yes, to both your questions: It can break the relationship and, It can be worked through. You just need to lay all your cards on the table and be perfectly clear so there are no misunderstandings. You're already feeling sick because you feel like things aren't fair. I know exactly how you feel and you're just going to build resentment which will spread cancerously through the relationship. I'm a big proponent of keeping finances separate and equal. It's ok to treat once n' a while, but when it becomes an unspoken expectation, it's time to slap some sense into them.
Author leftyright1 Posted November 24, 2009 Author Posted November 24, 2009 lots of good info here. we have discussed the money issue somewhat but not to the extent outlined in the longer response. part of that is b/c we've only been dating for 9 months and i didn't want to go overboard on the issue -- even though its a really important one. a few responses to the previous post: How much credit card debt does she have? 5K Do you think she takes it seriously or do you think she simply thinks it is ok to rack it up because in the next couple years she will marry and it will become someone elses problem? I go back and forth on this one... i think a lot of her debt stems from not being able to rely on her parents early out of college -- parents are divorced and not supportive for her financially. we both live in nyc which can be touch on the wallet. She has fought for what she has, but i still find it troubling she wants to take a trip so bad and willing to spend 1K when she is in debt and could also use that money to live more comfortably here -- like buying a mattress. she also expects me and would think i would pay more for the trip since i make more, which she thinks is only fair. she was upset when i was only offering to pay $200 more. Does she want to be a working mom or a stay at home mom? That is a very critical piece of the puzzle. she has voiced concern over being stay at home mom and losing "her identity"...but also hints at going back to school for PHd Does she have a problematic sense of entitlement in the day to day? For example if you ask her to go out to dinner and let her pick the place, does she tend to select a very expensive place, a mid ranged place, or a less pricey place? this is another tough one. she says she doesn't care where we eat -- yet she eats a lot of my food and does want to go to nicer places from time to time. i've grown accustomed to her eating my food -- i had a hard time w/ this at first. There are books that have lots of good questions about finances for couples to discuss BEFORE getting engaged. Do you have examples of 1 or 2 books that are really good? For instance: - If your family income was X (pick a number equal to your current salary) how would she like to live: - cars, - house - vacations - other What savings rate will result. Negative savings (uh oh ), no savings, 10 percent, 20 percent. Same question for your income plus her hypothetical income. How many kids to you both want to have? Does she even approach it that way? Some folks approach things in terms of 85% of income. Income (take home pay
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